Most days my mind is strong enough to block out the thoughts of you. But lately they just seem to come in waves, one after the other, knocking me down harder each time. I’ve done everything I can to not think about you anymore. I’ve gotten rid of your things, written you a letter, cried about it, got angry about it, tried to drink you away, but you just live in my head. You’ve taken up a permanent residence it seems. I didn’t understand why, how your memory could still be alive in my mind. Sitting on my couch, making me dinner, painting on my floor, and I realized it’s because you made me feel like there was something wrong with me when we ended. Like I wasn’t good enough for you, couldn’t give you what you wanted. You treated me like an object. And the self destruction inside of me enjoys that feeling. Because that’s what I ultimately believe about myself when you boil down to it. When we ended things, you moved on so quickly…I didn’t understand how. At first this hurt me, and I spent my time being upset and hurt by your selfish actions. I stayed in these thoughts because I felt like somehow I deserved it. But now, after a month or so of digging myself a hole, I’m just getting irritated by you taking up space in my thoughts. The healthy side of my brain is continuing to fight those negative thoughts and reminded me that I am worthy. That I am deserving of love, respect, and someone’s world stopping when I come into their lives. I am more than a warm body. So now, now that I am getting healthier, each moment you spend in my mind annoys me. Irritates me. Frustrates me. Angers me. My head logically knows that I deserve better, that I am worth more than how you treated me. But getting my heart to believe it..might take longer.
So thank you, for putting me at a crossroads in my life where I am forced to choose to continuing to be self destructing, or continuing on the journey to my healthy self.
We shared what is possibly the shortest love affair of all time
But I wouldn’t change it for the world
Maybe one day ill be yours
You’ll be mine.
And I hope now that were on our own separate paths
That one day i’ll cross your mind and you’ll look back
You’ll think of me and smile helplessly
And you know that we
Will live forever in our memories
I am afraid
That this is the end for us
But I have to say
One day it could be love
Until then I
Won’t forget you
Won’t regret you
Won’t let you walk away for good
I’ll keep you in my gravity
Hold you close when you’re ready
Make sure you have all you need
We’ll start over just you and me <3
If I was famous my relationship status would always be questionable because the entire world nosey as fuck and judgemental. Anyone I was said to be with I’d just agree. “Sick you were seen leaving the hotel with this one and that one. Care to explain”? Yes. I did that. Lol! Shit I’d admit to all that crazy shit as long as no one came with some bullshit and call me R. Kelly. Other than it’s yes, yes I did whatever y'all said. I am horrible. Then I’d just roll around my place buttass naked happy with the results I got working with my personal trainer all while checking my bank account.
Mushy gay shit ahead
Told my GF that I had straight up decided I’d likely missed my window to meet the perfect lesbian for me since I was married my whole 20s to a complete waste of time.
She said she felt the same and figured that was it for her being single many times in her 30s (she’s 8 yrs older than me).
So we both apparently decided during the first wave of a global pandemic was a safe time to see what’s still out there.
Low and behold we cross paths on Facebook dating of all places, neither of us had ever tried it. We are both germaphobic virgos who hate most people. Yet we met and instantly clicked haha.
Her with no bio, me with “wow what a time to be alive huh?”. We both thought truly nothing would come of fb dating, dating in general, even good conversation was unlikely.
I feel so grateful we both decided to do that at the same time because she’s truly the best person I’ve ever dated and aside from that is just amazing in her own right.
I guess it was unavoidable
So the cynical part of my brain is working at above max capacity today & it’s left me with some thoughts about the Jenna Marbles situation. So as everyone knows Jenna left youtube & all other online activities. Julien has started streaming again, did Aries kitchen & will be doing the podcast on his own for the foreseeable future. While part of my brain says this makes sense because they need some sort of income part of me says “I wonder if Julien is ready to bounce & he’s trying to find out if he can make it without Jenna.” Also they have plenty of income coming in. People are watching the vids like crazy & hanging onto any last bit of Jenna/Julien related material. They both continue to make money from their vlogs,vids & twitch. Now I have no real evidence to back this up but I am always cynical when it comes to relationship & trusting people. Jenna was a huge online personality. Julien met her after she became youtube famous. Nobody really liked him until he started showing up regularly on her videos. His personality is polarizing & I think her being in the mix has helped. But now enough time has passed that maybe he thinks that he could go it alone because he’s built up enough of a fanbase that are loyal to him without Jenna. I don’t see it happening because I don’t think there is a Julien without Jenna but I feel like he’s trying. I don’t know if it’s me being cynical or just my “spidey senses”. In the end I really hope that I am wrong because it would be so sad.
“Falling in love is a terrifying thought—but I don’t mind the fall.”