Sometimes when I can't turn my sadness into poetry, I paint them on my wrists.
Sometimes when I can't turn my sadness into poetry, I paint them on my wrists.
En el que me sentí la peor basura del mundo,en el que no dejaba de pensar en porque se estaba alejando,en porque me dejaba luego de tres años,me sentí tan insignificante,tan pequeña en el sentido más triste del mundo, algo se quebró dentro de mi,algo se terminó de romper, la única parte que en mi vivía, ahora ya había muerto. Mis lagrimas corrían por mis mejillas,mis ojos se habían inchado de tanto llorar,las dudas aparecían por mi mente,en mi cabeza se repetian las últimas palabras que el me dijo fueron "Es todo tu culpa" "Tú lo arruinaste" "Sé que no te vas a matar" "No podes hacerlo,no tienes el valor" quería probárselo, quería probarle que si podía hacerlo,por el amor que le tenia,por que sus palabras causaron en mi una herida. Lo extrañaría,y hasta el hecho de pensarlo me dolía,dolía saber que el se iría,que el se había ido hace tiempo,todo le daba igual...Me sentía tan mal al contarle cosas y que a él no le importará,me dolió todo lo que hizo..Me dolió que me dejará cómo la mala cuando quien salio más dañada fui yo..Me dolía ser su segunda opción, me dolía perderlo...Quise desahogarme, y pase una navaja por mi piel,dejando su nombre grabado en mi,para siempre recordarlo...Por que si se fue,quizás el tenia razón ,era mi culpa,yo era la causante de todo..La culpa me seguiría a todos lados,leería nuestros mensajes cuando lo echará de menos,recordaría cada momento ,bueno y malo,cada pelea,cada discusión,recordaría sus celos y lloraría,y su nombre en mi por siempre llevaría...
How can you miss someone you've never met?
cause I need you now, but I don't know you yet
i’ve never been enough for anyone, why would i suddenly be now?
It is sad, but sometimes we have to tuck things — people and memories — away in the tiny pockets of our hearts and carry them around in a manner that makes it seem that they do not exist.
Así soy yo.
Y difícil de querer
Que no me podrás entender.
I am running on no sleep. Like none. At all. I think I am only half sane at this point and my playlists is weird so that doesn't help...
So I slit your soul open and symphonies pour out the wound
Puddles of harmonies accumulate
Your tears falling in metronomic dissonance
The sound echos through every hollow chamber of my heart
Shattering the stones walls
Back arching with the crescendo
Drowning out any terrifying thoughts that would interrupt this concluding rhythm
But now it slows
The melodies seeping into the floorboards
Slicking the marble tiles
Someone will slip on these dead treble clefs
Whoever is unfortunate enough to happen upon the aftermath of this grand finale
But for now, there is you,
Bleeding out overtures next to me
Interludes of betrayal
You have found yourself choking on 'why'
And I hold you
Some pieces are better
Your breath a conductor slowing its orchestra
The distance between notes swells and they are quiet when they come
Though perhaps they are not
Perhaps it is just our hearing that is slipping
Into that place that songs go when they are over
If we will survive as ghosts haunting the audience long after the performance
Until they cannot help but resurrect the tune on their lips
But the last chords of you drip onto my skin
I hear and feel them all at once
An inseparable duet between the senses
As all timeless pieces are
A whole note
Warm and beautiful
So at last the music fades
And I with it
And we rest
This is Goodbye Beautiful Human - by Illneas
If I was in the library of your mind for a while
I would place the smell of coffee next to the memory of you learning how to ride the bicycle
So you would remember that you have to start
in order to find your balance
I would erase the feeling of sunlight on your skin So you would experience it again for the first time I would help you blur the mental image of your self-imposed imperfections
Because feeling beautiful is a decision
Maybe tamper with the spelling of your name, Just to mess with you
I realized that our existence can only be mirrored in the minds of others
And my favorite reflection was in yours
So I won't touch your memory of me
But I would selfishly hide a tiny piece of my laugh into your favorite song
So you would remember my stupid jokes
And maybe laugh alone like the weirdo you are
I won't read any of the things you didn't tell me about you
This is goodbye, oh beautiful human
But before I disappear from your head
Ι would immerse myself into the deepest shadows of your unconscious mind
And I would hide these lines into your nightmares
So the next time you face your demons
You might think that
someone loved you
So focused on their
bleeding, wounding words
I wonder what caused
their words to bleed.
Was it a stab of disappointment,
or maybe the hate crushing their windpipe.
The strong with the words
they aren't strong enough to say.
Resorting to weak jabs.
So how could they jab
at those already with
their own blood strewn over them?
Those already covered
Taking it with patience,
laughing it off.
and bleeds and cries and suffers
So what makes it okay to take one more?
We are all wounded
Some wounds hide better
I have so much of you in my system that when I tried to get you out,
it nearly killed me.
(oo) Nga pala may sasabihin ako
Espesyal to kung nauna ako
Kung hindi edi good for you
Ewan ko pero ang cute mo
Sa height mo pa lang nanghihina na ko
Ano pa kaya nung nasulyapan mo ko
O baka yung chicks lang sa likod ko
Inisip ko na lang na ako
Kasi inlove talaga ko sayo
Ang gwapo mo sa buhok mo
Dumagdag pa yung mata mo
Ang pungay, nakamamatay
Kagat-labi akong mag-aantay
Sana sakin ka ibigay
Di ko sasayangin iyong laway
Humihiling ako na hindi lang hanggang titig
Mahagkan ko sana pati iyong bibig
Pagkkwentuhan natin kahit patak ng tubig
Habang umuulan, nakasandal sayong bisig
Gusto kong makipagkulitan sayo
Kulitang may motibo
Pero sayo ko lang gagawin to
Sana talaga magkatotoo
*I wrote this last May 07, 2020
i am here and i wish you could see me. see it all.
it rarely snows and when it does
it’s just a kiss on the tip of your tongue
you don’t even realize that the snow is cold
because the pure white is like a blanket, covering everything in its fine powder
and that sun, you would just love it
don’t you remember how we used to lay perfectly still
on our backs, floating on the surface of the water at the pool? how the sun just warmed up your skin
and it was like one big bath tub?
every. single. day.
is like that.
and the people. oh, the people.
everybody here is so completely beautiful
but not in that way that makes you feel unwanted or small
all of their faces look like mine but i don’t mind.
there’s a woman who sounds like my favorite song,
even though i don’t even have a favorite song
and there’s a man with green eyes
and raindrops drip from his fingertips when he smiles and his skin emits a soft, soft glow when he walks into the room.
and when i go to sleep at night it’s
hard to tell whether im dreaming or my
just. that. good.
here i sleep in a field of wildflowers along with the newborn fawns and budding roses and fireflies and
under a pillow of comets and shooting stars
but. you. don’t. know.
you don’t know any of it
because you left before it could get this good
that snow will always make you bitterly shiver and
that sun will burn your porcelain skin
and you will always be a beautiful person that i will never understand,
sleeping in your ordinary bed of grief and static night.
i wish you were here,
but you didn’t care to watch this garden grow,
'di pa rin makapaniwalang wala ka na
Pakiramdam ko'y babalik ka pa
Lagi kang bibisitahin
Bubulong sa hangin
Pasensya na, kung nagkulang ako
Bilang kaibigan mo
Sana mapatawad mo 'ko
Para mapatawad ko na rin ang sarili ko
Lagi kang pupuntahan
Lungkot ay pasan
Magtitirik ng kandila
Tirik ng araw 'di alintana
Naaalala ka parati
Na sana tulad na lang ng dati
*I wrote this last May 10, 2021
Today, I feel like a pale, dead earthworm at the bottom of a lake,
left over by a fisherman or a bird.
Or a dead, rotting, pinkish gray eel,
Under a dark, dirty dock in a briny pond,
My soft belly facing upwards, my limp body rolls in the currents of the mostly still water.
I am only held together by my soft, weak spine.
In a few days, or a week,
Most of my flesh will rot off
And float away in thin, translucent flakes.
My remains will be consumed by a swarm
of small carnivorous snails
And pale crabs, lightly covered in dirt and algae
And the tiny, invisible, ghost like shrimp
That flick away with a light pinch at the curious fingers of children,
Who search and poke around the shallow salt water
And brush over the rocks covered in grayish algae
And kick up the black sand and old pieces of seaweed.
The children will see no sign of me,
Only the tiny whitish debris of my decayed self
Which will wash over their feet unnoticed
And by the time next summer when they return again
My bones will melt into the stinking black sand.
I still think of you.
No, not once in a while,
It ebbs, it flows.
Like the tides,
like the ocean.
Your a fantasy grand,
you swallow my reality,
At times, yes.
I will never be sure of myself
and how I feel.
You never were.