I won’t ever be the one you love.
I won’t ever be the one you love.
Self destruction looks so enticing when it takes the illusion of comfort…
One day you’ll wake up and realise
I’m not who you wanted
You won’t find home in my blue eyes
My laugh will turn you off
You’ll shy away from my touch
And your heart will stop whispering my name
- Only a matter of time
The fact that some people in the system still believe we are locked up…
That moment when you check your phone in order to see if it’s on silent, bc you didn’t get any text at all . But its not…
Could never happen to me
tw: cutting, suicide
Eh life is good? Fine? Ish? I mean, I haven’t cut since then sooo…progress?
Eh who knows. It is what it is? Hell if I know.
I’m tired for always being available for you when you only there for me when it’s convenient for you.
every relationship you’ve ever been in
is just someone
that they didn’t like you
as much as they hoped they would
tw: suicide, cutting
It is exactly 10:23pm on Monday, October 19, 2020. I have a calculus test in the morning that I have to get up at 7am for, and I just cut my wrist with a razor for the first time on the floor of a fucking dorm shower that I share with two other people.
I just had my usual every-Monday night breakdown earlier. My roommate was here so I obviously went to the bathroom to handle it. Decided taking a shower was a good excuse as to not look weird. Sat down on the floor of the shower. Had an anxiety attack. Held the razor for a long time. Did the slightest amount of “damage” — if it can even be called that. It’s not like I have any experience with cutting with a razor.
I was definitely not expecting the high I felt afterwards though.
So I am now sitting on the floor in my dorm room eating chips a’hoy cookies and contemplating how my life managed to lead to this.
I hadn’t even thought about suicide since probably last Thursday! What the hell?? I thought I was getting somewhere?? Ya know, I had a little improvement. Just to relapse into something worse than before.
See, before all I had done was use a stupid mechanical pencil to drag sharp lines on my wrist. If you do it enough times and hard enough, it can actually draw a bit of blood. Plus, the sting feels pretty good. And afterwards the skin there is raised and honestly kind of stunning.
So, here we are. But honestly, I’m feeling pretty good right now. My wrist has started to itch slightly due to the tiny abrasions I created on it. I’ll truly be surprised if the marks are even still there in the morning though.
I thought I was screaming
I reached out and hoped you would take it
But as you see my hand, you retreat
Do you not hear me? Or did you just choose to ignore this piercing scream which makes my throat hurts?
I learned this one once with another
It was the same,
But I had hope
That it wouldn’t happen with you
Yet I realized you’re someone who wouldn’t move an inch
If I were drowning in my own blood
My brother pointed out that stories are created as and for ‘an escape from real life because you don’t like your life’.
I was reading an x reader fanfic as he said this. And I suddenly remembered why I like reading those.
Because I don’t like that these fictional character aren’t in real life and I can’t be with them.
So you’re saying that you’d be okay with this if roles were reverse?..
I see pictures, and honestly, I never knew him. His picture makes no sense to me. My brain refuses to recognize him. He is someone I never knew. It is very confusing. He never felt real. And he definitely does not feel real now — today.
You know what is really bad, about being the therapist in your friend group? You know exactly what you should do. But you just want to hear it from someone else
You never know how words are hurtful, it is hard for you to decide if you’ll gonna shrug it and keep yourself blinded and pretend to hear nothing to any insult or hurtful words. You allow people to pin you down and be a slave of pain and sadness..
just found out that there was a smudge of chocolate on the corner of my mouth and there was no one there to tell me to wipe it off and then when i try to i don’t know where it is exactly and then they lean in and tell me they’ll just do it and then they kiss it away instead siGh😔
I logged onto my goodreads account and ended up seeing that I’ve only read five books this year. FIVE! It is the end of March. I am one of those people who’s known to always have a book with them. How could this have happened!
I’m so disappointed in myself.
I just realized that May raised Peter for almost all of his life. From when he was one to the present, he’s been her kid. IDK why but in my head I’ve always had this vision of her adopting him when he was a teen??? But she was there the whole time. She saw him take his first steps and say his first complete sentence. She was the one he drew preschool pictures for and she helped him on his projects while Ben was at work. She’s the one who tucked him in every night and did his laundry and signed permission slips. She’s taken care of him his whole life. I never realized that.