𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚏 𝙸 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚋𝚘𝚍𝚢 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝. 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚍𝚘.

I got a new phone and it’s gorgeous

Now I take photos of my fat body in super high quality.

“you weren’t who i thought you were.”

- l.r

“As long as I live I let. These feelings pound in my chest. Maybe I am better off dead.”

On Some Emo Shit - Blink-182

I couldnt lie to myself the emotions were too strong, the feeling so crippling that my bed just called my name, the wolves outside howling my pain, the moon lighting up the shadows that consumed me, trying to understand where I went wrong and what I will be..

Trying not to listen to the insecurities

been sad so long i don’t know how to be anything else

An Ode to the girl grace

I couldn’t wait for u my dear

My desires hv worn out

My mind is too heavy

I keep my eyes away from

Ur memories they’re mine only

U keep on the shifting

I'mma keep on grieving for u

My lover the grace of u only hides

In a another dimension but

Ur a different discussion

For u put At a distress

For me this is no fitting end

I could cry the rain for u

And u wouldn’t run to meh

Never I will forget thee

I'mma sympathetic man

A sentimental lover but

U kept distance from me

As if I had malleria i'mma

Have malleria on knees

With silent praises Whnn the backs

Are quivering Whnn the guns are loaded

Whnn the childern be the crying

Whnn the blood is at The end of

A budegeon don’t take me for a seal

My dear am not monkey

Don’t trick the evil we might hear it

I think I talk it that’s why u close

My mouth off and Whnn u see me

Ur eyes are covered ur feet

Never covered ur love cold like

A cadaver like marble ur skin be

Makes meh sick to stomach

Makes we quick to kill

I raise my hands like u will come down to me

Where ever u are u should’ve lied to me

I was frank to love but now I frank

To differ otherwise my heart beats with

Empty u feel but no moral emotion

And ur truth the stars go like u go

U may got me running scared

But I’m teriffied of Loneliness

I’m committing off the deep end

Got me holding hands with myself

To fall to low ground so as above

And so we are always below

And my heart goes to u

BUT TODAY ON SUNKEN ERA

The love is dead and no one wanna

Praise the guud man they want

More bitter men to wrk to death

I scream with their no remorse

So dear still love the grace so don’t run

The love of u caht hide love

And Whnn we meet once again I

Shall see splendor and grandeur

Like far away u are u should

Of the rarest like diamonds

Plz don’t enhance urself u’ll be

Fake before u hit Jeweler doors

Be more modest like emerald jade stones

And ahh Whnn the heartaches

i like…im dying all over Whnn thy

Mind is stuck on it.

-stray

now on to the negative side of everything. we just love those, now don’t we?

so uhmmmm…. shit’s been going on with my parents. well, between them, i guess. and they’re using me as a middle ground to vent to.

on one hand, i’m glad they trust me enough to confide in me.

on the other hand, they aren’t talking to each other and they are piling all of this on their 17 year old child who has a lot on their plate already and really doesn’t need the fact that the two of them will probably getting divorced piled on top of that.

more on that bc i really need to get this out and have no one to vent to and, just a warning, i will probably repeat myself numerous times.

for some good ol’ past reference that i’m sure i’ve mentioned a few times before: at some point either last year or earlier this year, my dad told my mom and i that he liked to wear women’s clothing and makeup. i don’t think much of it because i’m a you do you kind of person. my mother, not so much. she’s trying to be supportive, but it’s not exactly going too well.

a lot of times on the way home from watching a hockey game or whatever, my dad would start talking to me about it and confiding in me. his reasoning for doing so is because “i’m going through the same thing.” like… yeah, but also no. of the four of us in the family, i may be the one who has the capability of understanding the most, but i’m not really going through the same thing. i may be dealing with stupid gender identity shit, but it’s the whole shebang.

he’s not just talking to me about that itself, but he’s also talking to me about what he thinks my mom’s thoughts over this are, and just… a lot of that. i don’t really know how else to explain it.

he keeps saying how he’s feeling like he has to hide it from her and that they’ve been distant and just overall confirming what i’ve noticed for the past few years.

and now the night before we left on the trip, when i was talking with my mom, she just broke down. she was saying that she wasn’t comfortable with it and it was something that… made her less interested in him. i forget the wording she used, but it was something along those lines. and she was saying that she’s lost that connection with him. and i can’t blame her, yknow? because everyone has preferences and certain things are a turn off. it’s not something i can be mad at her over. she’s not a bad person for it; it doesn’t make her in the wrong.

i may not understand, but i can try. and i am, and i do.

and then she goes on to say, in a less-blunt-but-still-blunt way, that she’s been thinking about divorce. she sheltered that by saying she still does love him and still does want him in her life but that the relationship wasn’t what was best for her and she wasn’t happy anymore, nor has she been for a while. and i get that. relationships don’t always last, feelings fade, nothing’s really forever.

and she just felt so bad over it and like she was a bad person for not being able to get past the fact that my dad is more comfortable dressing/presenting effeminately. but she’s really not. it’s not a bad thing in and of itself.

none of this whole situation is, except for one little detail that has probably gone unnoticed by you dear readers.

they haven’t fucking talked to each other once about this.

not. once. 

about A N Y of this.

so here i am, having both sides of this piled on top of me.

here i am, not being able to say anything about either side to the other.

here i am, having my suspicions confirmed time and time again.

here i am, consoling my crying mother that my dad will understand.

here i am, trying to let them know what the other has said without actually saying it because it isn’t my place.

i just want to shove them both in a room and tell them to talk to each other, but i can’t because i know they both need to be ready to talk about it with each other. but at the same time, they aren’t going to be. and this is just going to get worse and weigh down on both of them and make things worse.

and as much as i want to help them, i am not qualified to. i am 17 fucking years old, still a god damn child, and in no way do i know how to deal with this. i hate being selfish, especially when i know the other needs to vent, but i am not in the right state of mind.

talk about this to each other. get some fucking couples counseling. whatever. just please stop unloading all this on to a child who is very much dealing with a lot of shit on their own.

my brother doesn’t even know any of this. they just keep piling it all up on me and i don’t know how to tell them to stop and talk to each other instead and.. i just… i feel so stupidly bad over it, but i can’t be this middle ground for them to throw all their shit at.

i understand needing to vent, but to force it all on your kid while not talking to one another about it, and said kid not being able to say anything about it to the other adult because it’s not their place?

i don’t want to take an outlet away from either of them, but…. fuck.

i really don’t know what to do.

Te imaginas? Ahí, contando los últimos 10 segundos del año. Con toda tu familia expectante y todo el mundo queriendo saludarse. De verdad no te da pena que la persona con la que estuviste todo el año no esté contigo justo ahí?

Y que personas que “conociste” en días que no han logrado que me olvides, si lo estén?

Navidad es la época más melancólica, porque sin importar que tanto observé la puerta, no volverás.

“I’m just scared to say the word

Every time I open up my mouth I end up hurt

And I might seem a little heartless I might come off insecure

But I just play off all my fears by acting odd and immature

I’m like a broken record but on the inside

I’m feeling like they hate me even though I get the invite

I’m afraid to say that all my thoughts keeping me up til midnight

I can’t even let you in when I’m afraid of what you’ll find

It’s irrational I know it, I can’t even tell you so I’m acting like a poet

Man I’m writing all these songs to let the demons out

I’m seeing now, you became someone I couldn’t breathe without

Now I’m hearing people shout

"Let me in, let me in” the closest I can get is with the words up off this pen

So I think I’m inadequate, never good enough for you or anybody

And for that I’m feeling stupid and for that I’m feeling sorry

I can’t stop, I’m nervous, a wreck, a cunt

I’ll take it, call me whatever the fuck you want

Call me scared, call me ugly, call me dumb, something else

But don’t ever call me friend cause I feel better by myself

Tell me tell me, why do you think that I want to be anything more than I am

Tell me tell me why, do you wanna try, to break me from my shell

And raise me from this hell, to get me off this shelf

Just leave me here alone, I’ll sit here on my own

Content with what it is, I’ll turn it to a myth

I’m so scared, that you’ll fall in love too, to fall in love with you

So tell me why I fall in love with you, you let me fall in love with you

Again"

-Tell Me by love-sadKiD

You wiped my tears but it was you who made me cry

Hoy por la mañana en el cole, me pregunte como mierda algunas personas hacen para ser tan feliz y poder mirarse a un espejo diciendo los lindas que son, como hay personas que se aman tal como son y como se se dan amor propio , quisiera ser una de ellas, quisiera ser igual de feliz como ellas no sentirme mal por mi estado fisico o no sentirme culpale por las cosas malas que le pasan a mis amigos o familiares, pero por donde veo siempre soy yo el problema, quiero ver las cosas positivas que dicen que hay en la vida, pero no, parece que no hay, a veces me pregunto si algun dia sere feliz, de verdad feliz, no un cliche barato, quiero sentirme bien, bien con todo, bien conmigo mismo, con mis cosas, pero me aterra pensar que no va a lograr, que no va a funcionar. que mierda voy hacer si no funciona, no quiero eso para mi. -M.

fuckkkk

i just looked at what i bought and..okay so

the serving size for the breadsticks is 70 cals

the seeving size for the banana chips is 150 cals..

i bought a peppermint thing and thats 150..

and then i bought a drink..for the whole bottle ots 220..

now what i plan to eat will amount to 590…hhh i want to cry..im normally not this bad but like..theres another guy i like that’s actually so sweet and..he makes me feel better cause he makes me smile and laugh and i hate it cause ik i dont deserve it..so im both punishing myself and..trying to look better for someone now..hes also way lighter than me..but i think he is like..boarding underweight cause of metabolism things and just..forgetting but im so worried about his eating atm but i shouldnt be cause it isnt my place..i just hope im not dumb and hes..suffering too..

Do not hear if sad, n escute se triste

Mire ki tudtam mondani, hogy “szeretlek”, Te már rég nem szerettél.

No matter how much the truth hurts, it’s always better than being lied to

This isn’t fucking fun anymore.