One of my uni friends and i were talking about possibly having a dress up Halloween party even though Halloween is not such a thing here, because we are all a bit bored and need to add excitement to our lives. Even though it's more than a month away, planning and creating costumes in lockdown is difficult so we should probably Officially float the idea in the group chat soon. Hopefully restrictions will ease enough for us to have a proper party but we can always just have a stupid looking picnic outside all distanced and masked if worst comes to worst.
Anyway I just had The Best idea and i really really really hope we can do it also I'm terrible at keeping secrets because i just like sharing exciting things so this is going to be a difficult month for me.
#i wanted to do a vintage black and white clown with sad black and white make up #but then!! #thought instead of half being black and half being white #i could replace the white with the exact fabric we use for green screen in our silly at home pop up studios #now i am a sad zoom clown that reminds us not only of the circus but also of the hell that is remote presenting :') #truly a scary clown
#okay so!!! I got diagnosed with adhd today #and like obviously yes it’s good cause it means treatment #but also it makes me really sad about however long I’ve gone without knowing I had it #like where would I be if had gotten treatment a year ago? 6 years ago? #I’m not like sad or anything tonight don’t worry #I should be sleeping actually #I’m just like ? wishing #I know that’s probably some depression thoughts #and if I was being smart I would challenge them #but cbt is hard sometimes so we let it be #also I have medicine and it’s wild as shit #I’m sure I’ll feel good about it after a bit but like also the shits hard as hell to do anything on #I’m sure it’s actually easier but like it’s different #rant over girls
She was tired last night , her feet were in pain and seeing her in pain is something I can't stand , so I soothed her I told her a funny story to divert her mind from the pain
I made up that story two weeks before , it was quite funny , I was waiting to tell her but never had a long conversation with her but yeah I told her that yesterday she was smiling I waited for this too long but it totally worth it , may be she laughed out for a while and that's what all I want .
She told me about her bestie some guy I don't know she hangout with him, it's fine no complaints at all neither I'm jealous 'cuz I have never been someone's priority...ever and I'm used to being an option to everyone so I'm good with that thing.
But I do realised one thing may be she's the one I been looking for years but I'm not the kind of guy she will ever look up or wanna spend life with.
First she had a boyfriend that's make things all end here already but even though if she was single I don't think I will be able to get together with her.
Look at me I'm don't have that good looks , neither I'm cute enough , I'm just a normal average looking skinny guy
I never met her in person , she likes to hangout , see his lover everyday but I can't do it and for how long text will workout , all I can do is just write poems about her , sometime pass some cheesy lines or to soothe her when she have a bad day but I can't hold her hand and tell her "Hey everything will fine I'm with you " , I can't hug her when she's crying , I can't take her out on Sundays and much more , I can't do .
She told me about her best friend , her bestie , her love but I never had this courage to ask her what we are ?
But I know what she will say we are friends and for me it's like "okay I'm ready to get hurt again" no seriously look at me I never asked her phone number because yes she would obviously "No I can't" forget about number I'm not even worth her single voice note . So I guess it's good idea not to ask about myself to her .
I can give 100 more reason for not loving me but you know what I really want , what my heart want is just a reason to love me to be with me because I love her , I love her more than anything else in my life and I wanna be with her . And I really wanna hear it from her that " I don't care about those reason Sahil I just care for one reason is that I love you" hmm sounds fantasy I know it will remain a fantasy forever I guess.
And I suck in love and like every another unrequited love story I'll end up alone
But I won't regret my decision 'cuz now I'm really tired of this pain, fake smile , pretence of a happy life and I'm out of love and also she no longer have to wait for me to go offline 'cuz I'm boring may be too much .
And the family I thought about with her 2 daughters I have stopped dreaming about that too , but I'll adopt a baby girl and I'll take care of her this is thing best thing that could ever happen to me and I'll name her after my pie 🧡
Going away from my pie doesn't mean I'll stop loving her , I'll keep loving her forever and also I'll be praying for happiness always...
This is something I always dream about yeah with her 🧡
I’m so tired. And just why can’t I be happy. Why am I not allowed. I’d be happier with content, joy, literally anything positive that lasts longer than 2 secs.
I’m so tired. My entire day is just anxiety, panic, stres, and depression. And I’m so tired of it. I get tired of being anxious all the time, of second guessing myself.
I’m just so tired, but I can’t even sleep man
#just ignore this shit #I’m just so tired #fucking late thoughts #sad boy hours
#so last academic year when it got to the point that all of my friends were returning to school except me (like genuinely every one) #they asked me ‘nullspace how would you like for us to handle discussing events that you would have been invited to if you’d been in town #but because you aren’t in town you can’t come to them?’ which was very thoughtful of them to ask #and i responded ‘just act like id been invited and i had to call in sick: dont hide from me that the activity happened #but also don’t rub it in my face that i couldnt be there/maybe do recaps about it when im not around thanks’ #which they’re all doing a great job with! and i super appreciate all of the thoughtfulness and consideration going into this whole shying!!! #however;; it still sucks to miss things and i am sad and frustrated that things are happening without me #and like; i don’t expect things to /not/ happen without me because that would be shitty and unfair and id never ask my friends to do that #but also fomo sucks! like it’s not even the fear of missing out it’s like i am 100% certain im missing out! ive seen the snap stories!!! #my dnd group got everyone (except me) together for a non-dnd hangout tonight and it hit different from regular dnd #bc i was kinda emotionally prepared to not be physically in the room for dnd once our dm moved back to being closer to school #but all of the extra non-dnd bonding just didn’t rlly happen before now and now it’s going to happen semi frequently and it sucks!!!!! #also people at work are starting to talk about ‘when we all slowly start to go back to the office’ and like;; lmao some of us r fully remote #and i know they don’t mean anything by it and it’s just thoughtlessness but i just didn’t think this kinda stuff would still sting this bad #a year and a half into this whole thing :/ #ugh and since im the only person in all of my friends who is my level of Having To Be Extra Careful i can’t even hang out with the few local #friends that i have but they still get to hang out with each other and other people and it just!!!!! sucks #i didn’t think the beginning of the school year would hit this hard considering im not even in school and also i have a new job keeping me #quite busy; but here we are ://// #ugh sorry for the rant yall i just needed to get that off my chest and i don’t have therapy for another few weeks #and all my friends are part of The Situation and so i can only rlly talk to them about this so much
#chatter#ask#answered#damngirlyou#-Mod Scout#deltarune spoilers #? #(i didnt wanna get my hopes up in case i was disappointed but now im SAD i didnt get my hopes up) #(toby just makes incredible games) #(hope twitter doesnt somehow cancel him like theyve done for other indie developers whether theyve deserves it or not..) #(twitter has a bad habit of doxxing and canceling people for just having opinions) #(which isnt ok because opinions dont dictate if youre a bad person or not) #(you can be a bad person but have 'good opinions') #(i think its actions over words etc. in most cases since really) #(nobody is truly evil. theres only bad that clouds the good in others) #(and unfortunately some people are way too far gone to be saved 🤷) #(but thats just food for thought) #caps
#[ MY LOVELY ] … ANSWERED ! #[ MY LOVELY ] … CHLOE KWON ! #chloe thought long and hard about her title tracks for color theory #everything needed to be perfect #she started with red to pull that big jump from the beginning #then blue to show her sad side while she was on hiatus #then yellow to her hopefulness before she came back #and then colorful to show her whole sound that she wanted to go for #ughh her MIND
