#sarcasm Tumblr posts

  • I love how this app refuses to even comprehend an image existing

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  • You bet your ass I am….Motivation doesn’t come often and doesn’t last long. 

    #fuck #im going to hate tomorrow #schoolwork #perks of being a retail employee #we dont get to stay home #yay#sarcasm #i feel sorry for my coworkers tomorrow #coronavirus #my taste in music is all over the place #music
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  • tumblr’s a good website that updates in a normal way like you’d expect a website to do. the dashboards on all my accounts look the same. This Is Perfectly Normal.

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  • Yes, I have not watched ALL the episodes.

    Oh my god, I’m not a true fan, noooooooo

    #ooc#sarcasm #i actually refuse to watch a few episodes tho
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  • On top of abandonment issues and bad memories I’m having self image problems again oh boy this is fun :,) /s

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  • please censor d*ku

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  • Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

    Tony: no

    Judge: *covers mic* what do I do?

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  • y’all good news the tumblr update on computer makes it so we can also now see the blue squares instead of pictures isn’t that great?

    #sarcasm #naima.txt
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  • I feel like I can’t be the only person who is utterly confused about the /sarcasm marker.

    like, yes it mask sarcasm, but what is sarcasm? What about other jokes, what if it’s meant sarcastic but also true?

    #Not asking for advice #just reblog if you agree #actuallyautistic#sarcasm #I mean it‘s not but it‘s the topic...
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  • Sarcasm went from being impossible to read in text, to being the underlying theme of every sentence.

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  • Sarcasm went from being impossible to read in text, to being the underlying theme of every sentence.

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  • You’ve got to admire the press these days. Not only do they seem to carry an immunity to the pandemic they do gleefully report about, one so powerful they can ignore the rules on social spacing and lockdown, but they still have time to carry out their bullying campaigns.

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  • Dermotilomania infections are fun :)

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  • A veces por la noche me pongo los audífonos para escuchar nuestras canciones , recordarte y sufrir por la falta que me haces

    -Moon🌙

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  • Oh wow I just love how the app my school is using for online schooling has me under my deadname and I can’t change it so I’m not gonna be able to avoid being deadnamed for however long this bs is gonna go on for

    That’s just fucking great

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  • A/N: so this is the first time I’ve posted any of my writing on here, mostly it’s just reblogs but this is a story I wrote myself

    Warnings: Some slightly graphic violence, death, demons, and spirits (I dunno if that is a warning but maybe it is), sarcasm…

    I never meant to kill her. Really, I didn’t. That’s not who I am, I don’t do drugs, I’m not mean, I’m not violent, and I definitely don’t believe in magic or sorcery. You might say, “yeah sure, this guy is totally lying”. But you don’t know me, and I’m telling you, it was an accident. Maybe I did kill her but I didn’t mean to and I certainly didn’t want to. I’m an average guy with an average life… Well not anymore.

    It all started at my friend’s house. We were playing Robotron: 2084 on a home arcade system. It was a strange old game from the ’80s based on the idea that robots had turned against humans. I was losing majorly when one of my friends said to me, “Hey Ollie! Bet you won’t try out my new Ouija Board!” He was egging me on, giving me a challenge, and any one of my friends knows that I can’t resist a challenge. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place.

    There I was, sitting in my friend’s basement, alone, hunched over an Ouija Board with a flashlight. The board looked old. It was flimsy like cardboard and felt like it might crumble if I touched it too much. Adding onto the creepy vibe, the basement wasn’t finished and you could see where the concrete walls were stained. There was insulation visible in the walls but I couldn’t shake the feeling that my body being cold wasn’t from a lack of warm air circulating in the basement. To humor myself and my friends, I asked a question to the void. “Is there someone here?”

    Slowly, I felt my hands move the planchette across the board until the word yes was shown in the opening.  It was chilling. The feeling that I wasn’t the one controlling my movements made me shiver. The type of shiver where you feel like something is passing through you. I took a deep breath. “What are you?” I asked.

    My hands moved bit by bit and I mentally took note of the letters that showed up. D, E, M, I knew where this was going, O - great. The last letter was an N. As you could probably guess.

    I was alone with a demon. And I wasn’t even in my own house. By this point I was a little spooked, don’t get me wrong, I still don’t really believe in magic or anything. It’s just that witchcraft was something of myth and fairytales. And yet here it was, undeniably real. Okay, maybe not undeniably real, but I was pretty convinced at that point. It was late at night, my friends were all upstairs probably laughing at me, it was dark, and there was a demon somewhere.

    I took out my phone and searched for ways to get rid of demons on google. It took a couple of seconds to load, but when it did I was disappointed. There’s apparently a movie about demons, a whole book titled “How To Get Rid of Demons and Evil Spirits” that you can get on Kindle, and a book you can get on amazon titled “Exorcising Your Ex: How to Get Rid of the Demons of Relationships Past”. Not very helpful. I tried a different search. “How to exorcise a demon”. Now we were getting somewhere. I clicked on a link titled “Five Steps to Exorcising a Demon”. The page was archaic. That should’ve been my first clue. It clearly hadn’t been edited in a long time, but nevertheless, I continued on. The website overviewed what demons were, and how to tell if they had malicious intentions. I’m not sure what exactly was in there because I skipped right over a large section to read something with the heading, “Getting Rid of a Demon”.

    Next thing I knew, I was messing with demons and spirits because I’d drawn some strange symbols on the floor and every light that was on in the basement was extinguished, which included my phone. Wonderful.

    Now I don’t really know what exactly was supposed to happen, or what any of those symbols meant, but something must have gone wrong because I’m pretty sure that my body isn’t supposed to ever noticeably grow a foot in just a couple of seconds. Crouching down, I grabbed one of the candles I had borrowed from upstairs and lit a match. It was strange, from what I could see of it in this light, my body wasn’t right. At least, it wasn’t my body. I didn’t know whose body this was, but last time I checked, my skin wasn’t calloused and, red? Nope. Nothing was wrong. Certainly not. I was just spooked. It was a trick of the light. It only looked like a recent sunburn because of the candlelight. Yes, that had been it, I only needed to take a deep breath and-

    “Hello?” a voice called out.

    “Ah!” I jumped and dropped the burning candle on the ground. It had shattered into pieces upon impact and the flame went out. The pieces of glass were scattered across the floor around me. “Who are you? What are you-”

    “Relax. It’s only me, Ryan. I just came to check on you, you’ve been down there forever and my mom wants to know if you’re staying the night or not.”

    “Umm no, I think I’m gonna go home, I’m not feeling myself right now,” I replied.

    I guess I should’ve just slept over because as it turns out I wasn’t myself. To add to that I messed up writing one of the symbols and drew something that would bring a spirit out into the real world.  At that point, our antagonistic demon friend tried to possess my body. But luckily, or rather, unluckily I had tried to draw an anti-possession mark on my arm. Only, I messed that up too. With those amateur mistakes combined the demon had been able to take form, however latching onto me was necessary, then, boom! I was possessing a demon. Not your average Florida man now.

    Fast forward 10 minutes and I’d left my friend’s house through the back door because “Jeez! You scared me!” and “My mom will freak out if she sees you like that. You look like a crappy Halloween costume come to life.” I guess Ryan isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he was in the shed. He wasn’t the one sitting outside in the type of rain that soaked through your clothing and left you feeling slimy and chilled to the bone when you sat in the puddle of water you wore as clothing. He wasn’t the one contemplating whether or not he could go into his own warm house because he wasn’t in his proper body.

    I was having a crisis. Not some dainty little heartbreak or broken friendship, but an actual crisis. I mean, how exactly was I supposed to go through my life looking like somebody else? This kind of stuff just didn’t happen to other people. Was I just supposed to explain the situation to my mom and hope for the best? No. My throat would get all dry and taste like sandpaper. I wouldn’t be able to get any words out. My mouth would open but no sound would leave it. Instead, I was going to sit out in the rain until I figured out a plan.

    I probably sat there on the ground for an hour at least. Maybe more. During that period of torture, I stared at the trees surrounding me. They were tall. Not as tall as a four-story building, but compared to the height of my watching eyes they were like high schoolers vs elementary kids. The leaves danced when the wind blew and slumped when the rain fell. My brain hurt. At that point, it was probably midnight. I had no idea what time it really was. I didn’t have a watch and my phone was long dead by then. There I was, sitting in the dark, it was raining, my phone was dead, and I had no clue what was going on. What great luck I had. It was so quiet that you could hear the silence in the air. Then-

    “Hey, what are you?-“ some girl came up from behind me, which scared the bejesus outta me, and I was thinking I needed to protect myself. Only she was the one who needed protection. I didn’t know that I had powers or super strength. And I didn’t know that by swinging around and giving her my best right hook that I would end up breaking her jaw easily as cracking eggs. I didn’t think that I would end up breaking anything, I don’t know that I even expected to give my alleged assailant a bruise, let alone break her jaw.

    I heard a great crack as my fist met face. It sounded as if a great big tree had finally fallen in the forest after years of resisting the weather’s assault. She fell on the ground and let out a cry of pain and I was freaking out thinking “oh gosh what did I do to her”. All at once, my movements weren’t of my design. I was no longer the one orchestrating the opera that was this body. Without warning I was dragging her unconscious body towards the shed in my backyard, shaking, and thinking “Holy crap, what’ve I done? What’s happening to me?”

    I was midway through unlocking the latch on the shed when I heard my porch doors sliding open. My movements got faster and sloppier as I scrambled to open the doors. Not to mention also while dragging a body inside, and hiding the fact that I look like your not so friendly neighborhood murderer. One who doesn’t want to get caught. Finally, when the stubborn latch was unlocked and I was about to drag myself and this random girl inside, I heard my younger sister Lily call out for my dog.

    “SPARKY!” she proclaimed, “C'MERE BOY! TIME TO COME INSIDE!” Declaring that it was time for my dog to come inside meant trouble for me, wherever he was, he hadn’t spotted us yet. But if he made his way around the yard he would find us unless I hurried.

    Disorderly, I clambered through the open door, hoping that the darkness and the rain would shroud me. I turned and bent over, pulling the girl’s body through the holy gates and made the final stretch.

    “What are you doing in my body?” a voice asked.

    As you can imagine this was unexpected for me and I whipped around to see why Ryan Reynolds might’ve been hiding in my shed. Only nobody was there and I hit my head on a weak shelf that was housing an ax. A really sharp one at that, probably about as sharp as your frail, old grandpa who won’t let you touch the cookie jar in his kitchen. As I jumped out of the way I saw the ax falling. Now, I didn’t really want to become cat food so I didn’t try to catch the ax. Big mistake. The ax was falling directly towards Becky- that’s her name now, I decided to call her Becky. So Becky is heading towards certain death and I let out a loud “NO!” because contrary to popular belief I didn’t want to murder her. My scream alerted Sparky and Lily, thus putting me on the path of doom.

    So I was freaking out, standing next to our beloved Becky who had an ax in her throat when the mysterious voice returned.

    “Great job. You’ve just killed her,” it said.

    “No! I didn’t mean to. You were the one who scared me and made me knock over that stupid shelf. This whole thing wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you. Speaking of which, who are you?” I asked. “And, where are you?”

    “I, my friend, am the lovely demon that you summoned. The name’s Bond. James Bond,” they replied.

    “No, it’s not. That’s not your name. And I didn’t summon anyone, let alone a demon,” I fought.

    “Alright, alright. You got me. Obviously, I’m not James Bond. My name is Casus Inimicus and you actually did summon me. It was around a week ago but you did it so terribly that I only appeared today in your friend’s basement,” he said. “By the way, you might want to do something about… that,” he pointed to Becky lying on the ground.

    This was nothing like the movies. It was disgusting, really. She was gasping for air and her throat was like a fountain, only it was gurgling blood instead of water, and it was horrifying. Now that I think about it, it was nothing like a fountain and she was dying right in front of me.

    “Well, you severed her windpipe,” Casus said. “And her carotid artery, which means her brain isn’t getting any more oxygenated blood. And you severed her-”

    “Alright, alright stop it that’s disgusting,” I interrupted. “Why do you know all of this anyway?” I asked.

    “Funny thing really, demons have to take classes so we know how to properly torture people, and how to kill them the best way for certain situations. We are prepared for anything,” Casus said.

    “Well were you prepared for this? Because I don’t know about you but I have no idea what to do about this. And I just KILLED SOMEONE!” I yelled. I was shaking and felt awful. Almost like I would throw up if I didn’t wake up from this nightmare.

    “Great job. Now everyone knows you killed her. Nice knowing you muchacho,” he remarked.

    In only seconds my life was ruined. Lily was screaming in horror at now noticing me being in the shed with a dead girl and I was about to be attacked by an enraged dog. Frantically I tried to close the shed doors to protect myself but I knew it was fruitless. Eventually, Lily’s screaming would alert my parents. Then they would call the cops and I would be courting disaster. In the heat of the moment, I became tired of conflict and left Becky in my shed. I ran away because I was scared.

    “Freeze!” A voice called out. “Put your hands in the air and stand down!”

    Shoot. I was in hot water. I’d been spotted. I wouldn’t say I’d been caught because that would require me to be guilty and I never meant to hurt Becky.

    “You are under arrest for suspicion of murder.” They told me. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be provided to you by the state.”

    “And that’s where you come in, officer,” I said. “That’s my confession. It was an accident. You arrested me for suspicion of murder. But don’t you see that I’m just a troubled kid who doesn’t know what is going on and only accidentally murdered someone?” I inquired.

    “Even if this ridiculous story is true, which I refuse to believe it is. You still attacked a civilian and tried to cover it up,” she said. “Then you supposedly committed involuntary manslaughter. Do you have a lawyer?” she questioned.

    “Umm, I don’t know? Even if I did, would you believe me?” I tried to counter.

    “Well, because of your confession, you are sentenced to 12 months of prison with probation and fines.”

    I was done for…

    #not sure if there will be a part two #original work #original short story #Oliver Beckett#demons#possession#ouija board#death#violence#ryan reynolds#sarcasm#graphic#blood#spirits #The Haphazard Possession of Oliver Beckett
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