#self conscious Tumblr posts

  • Once I became awake, I started to detach from everything. Friends, parents, cousins. My nation too. Everything I thought I knew wasn’t making sense anymore. As I was questioning everything, I experienced the kind of loneliness I wish to nobody. 

    When you become spiritually awaken, you are going to face a dark period by yourself. It might last for years. 

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  • Sooner or later I’m gonna be completely alone. Everyone of my friends can replace me. They find someone new. Someone who is prettier, funnier, smarter, nicer, someone who fits in better.

    When they have a boyfriend they lose their interest in me. I’m just not important enough. They have other people who are more important to them.

    Why am I always the replaceable one? Just once I wanna be more than the last choice…

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  • one of the symptoms of growing up a nerd and being bullied for so long is that you never feel pretty ever, because deep down you are still that child who’s confidence was broken

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    I’ve been taking some big steps into self improvement and it’s so exciting, the future holds so much.

    P.S. I wore this out on a little walk with Zo today and felt powerful.

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  • Performative love,

    something nameless

    and thirsty.

    Performing arts,

    bound stage and soul in a grotesque Union of

    superfluity, but still

    the performative life

    haunts and quakes

    with every step I take.

    Performance,

    per for man,

    for a man,

    man gazed

    upon the back of my neck

    and saw the hairs rise as high

    as the performative nature of the

    being

    society

    would have of me.

    Every step I take I turn to see who’s looking.

    Every word I say I lilt to a sickly sweet

    reverberation of the chaste

    style I pretend to

    praise.

    One day I’ll think of how uncomfortable

    the sweat on the back of my knees feels

    before I think of the family across the street

    watching me tie the tarp to the top of my house.

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  • I was diagnosed with Undifferentiated-Unspecified Pelvic Sarcoma at the age of 12, after being on my period on July 11, 2009 until October, almost 120 days straight. Literally bleeding to death. On October 19, 2009, they went in to do a ’D&C’ and discovered a softball size tumor on my uterus, golf ball size tumors on my ovaries and smaller ones other places. They then did an emergency hysterectomy to remove all the tumors and while doing that, they cut my bowels causing me to go septic and within 2 hours of being in recovery my fever spiked to 103+ so they take me back to surgery to see what happened and they placed 2 infection drain tubes to get the infection out and then had to go in again for a reason i can’t remember. So, after all that, I have a huge gaping hole in my abdomen that has to be wound packed. (Remember, im only 12 when all tnis is happening.) One of the nurses at UAB hospital in Birmingham, Alabama, was ridiculously rude to me, my mom and my therapist from Children’s Hospital, telling me her 4 year old grandkid could take the pain I was feeling better than how I was taking the pain. Anyway, my mom ended up going off on her and told her not to come through my hospital room door and that she needed to tell my mom how to unpack/repack my hip to hip incision. So my mom did it until it was healed. That took almost 2 months or more.

    So, since they cut my bowels I had a bowel obstruction that causes so many issues I was in the hospital for almost FOUR months. I wasn’t able to eat for 60 days, had to have TPN and lipids to keep me alive bc I couldn’t eat or else I would throw it up, they also put a drain tube through my nose pulling everything out from my stomach. (They had to replace the tube several times bc i would end up throwing it up or some other reasons, i barely remember.) They eneded up doing a 14 hour emergency surgery to fix their fuck ups, and i come out of surgeey with a colostomy bag. No, its not reversible, its permanent.

    After all the surgeries, I started chemo. I was on Doxorubicin and two other very strong chemotherapy treatments. They made me so sick. I did that for a year and about 6 months into chemo, I started radiation. I did 6 weeks, 5 days a week, of radiation. The radiation damaged my kidneys and bladder to the point I’m in End Stage Renal failure.

    So years of dealing with ureter stints surgeries every 3-4 months for about 4 years, the doctors finally decided to go in and put a ileal conduit (urostomy bag) on july of 2017. While doing that, somehow a staple ended up lodged somewhere in my kidneys or ureters. (We had no idea at the time).

    By the time I was 20 I had, had about 40+ surgeries, 4 or 5 of them being MAJOR surgeries. Over 8 years of surgeries, hospitals stays, extended hospital stays, and at home treatment at one point.

    All that is wrong with me now is that my bladder is in the doctor’s words, (essentially turning to concrete) and my kidneys are damaged beyond any type of repair. On August 3rd, 2020 I went to the ER for severe abdominal pain and turned out I had a 12mm/half inch kidney stone PLUS a CALCIFIED STAPLE they removed from me through my urostomy bag, that had to have been there since 2017, when I got the urostomy bag.

    Shit has been wild.

    And now I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and personality disorder. Me being so young dealing with all of this was so hard. I self harmed, tried to OD all bc i wanted the pain to stop and another part of me wanted to be fucking normal and able to do things kids my age were doing but I couldn’t, unless I wanted to chance getting sick bc my immune system is shit. And I just wanted to look normal. Im so self conscious of my body it has really made me isolate myself so I wouldn’t have to see me and I didn’t have to see them.

    I dont know why I’m telling you all, all of of this but I feel like my story should be heard and at 23, im finally, mentally able to talk about it. All that I went through has made me hate myself but im getting better now.

    My name is Briana and im a survivor.

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  • “Close your eyes and listen to this song. Let that pain in. Let that scream fill your ears. Let that feeling consume you. Give yourself about a song long to surrender to the thing that broke you. But when it’s over, when you are about to open your eyes, remember that you didn’t lose yourself, remember that you didn’t give much more, remember that all you felt was a pinch of reality. Now that your eyes are open, leave it behind, learn from it, and move on.”

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  • I don’t really have a lot to say about anything.. and that bothers me.. 🤔🤐

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  • When things start going well for me for some reason I can’t just sit back and let it happen. I let my anxiety step in, I think about all my flaws and insecurities. I play future situations out in my head so I don’t just suffer through things once but twice. I think about every negative thing anyone has ever said to me and persuade myself that these things are true. I obsess over the dumbest of stuff and I know it’s stupid but I continue to do it anyway. I get bossy and nitpick everything because I cant control my feelings so I feel the need to control something else. Ugh, why am I like thiiissss

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    Originally posted by blogprofessoroswald

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  • Today is literally one of those days where i just hate everything about myself and everything I wear I hate!

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    officially ripped the bandaid off and I’m truly alone relationship wise, no “situationships” or anything


    P.S. that shit hurted

    #long hair#love#glasses#stoner girl#stoner #broke college student #situation#situationships #no one is alone forever #i am alone #all alone #relationships are complicated #relationships are hard #relationship#best self#self check#self learning#self love#self conscious#selfworth#self healing #note to self #that shit hit me #that shit hit different #for the best #no bra life #no bra club #no big deal #cardigan#mustard yellow
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  • ‪I showed my mom this weird spot from scoliosis that looks like I have a fat roll & she proceeds to say “no that’s not fat but this is” & pokes squishy spots above my hips,, now I’m self conscious >_<) I’m 115 lbs. I have no weight to lose! ‬

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  • Trigger warning. Be safe hun.


    Weird talk about self harm (is it self harm?)


    I was at work today and I was sooo… Idk. The first time since covid crashed the party with a lot of people in a room and it’s just not safe and everything??? But we’ll thanks to my bosses we are there while everyone else got to work at home.

    And I was so stressed because of this and then I just can’t connect to the people in my group and I just felt the worst.

    And then I took my bandana and stopped the blood circulation in my arm with it and it GROUNDED me so hard that I could make out a clear sentence in my head and not just a fog of white noise.

    And… Idk I don’t feel bad because this was my moment, and please, I don’t want to romanticise this, my heart knows its not healthy but my head just kills me with all these thoughts about everyone hating me and being too much of a person, too obnoxious, to loud.

    And this is all I’m doing. Thinking.

    About what I need to do, have to do, had to do, don’t want to do and everything between the lines. It’s so much.

    It’s like one fangirl voice in my head, crying for comfort fanfiction, one adult worker saying to take my job serious, so I don’t have to lose it, my happy voice when I’m with people I love and then, my little every day heartbreak voice, just wanting to rest and sleep.

    And these fuckers just keep talking all together and I just don’t know what the fuck is going on.

    My heart is so heavy and so tired. But it still beats strong for me and keeps me alive.

    But i don’t want to go to work.

    I don’t want to have the need to hurt myself.

    I didn’t do it in years, but atm I’m thinking all the time about it.

    What the fuck dude. It was a good run. It still is.

    I should stop thinking about this.

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  • STOP SAYING NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! YOU’VE GOT YOUR HEAD STUCK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU CAN’T SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY A NICE GUY!!

    JUST CAUSE YOU’RE A “NICE GUY” DOESN’T MEAN WE WILL LIKE YOU, WANT TO DATE YOU, WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, OR SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITH YOU!!

    HOW ABOUT YOU GET OVER YOURSELF AND STOP TRYING TO GUILT TRIP PEOPLE INTO DATING YOU BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY SOMEONE WOULD DATE YOUR SORRY ASS!!

    ALSO MAYBE STOP HAVING UNREALISTIC STANDARDS FOR PEOPLE!! YOU DON’T NEED TO DATE A TALL, SKINNY, BLONDE HAIRED, BLUE EYED MODEL TO BE HAPPY!! APPEARANCE ISN’T EVERYTHING!!

    THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A “NICE GUY” AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE NO ONE WOULD LOVE ME FOR ME BECAUSE I’M 5'4, AND HAVE RED HAIR AND BROWN/GREEN EYES!!

    YOU’RE NOT A NICE GUY! NO ONE HAS TO COMMIT TO YOU! SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST STOP! OKAY!

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  • Do you know what it’s like to love and care for someone who doesn’t feel the same for you? Who doesn’t believe the way you feel? To be with someone who constantly tells you to find a new boyfriend or a fuck buddy. Points out all your flaws making your confidence go to 0 and one look makes you feel uncomfortable self conscious and gross.

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