#self hate Tumblr posts

  • So I meant to get this out earlier than I did. However its here now!

    The idea started from an ask @random-fander sent (You’re amazing btw, thank you so much)

    Warnings: Unsympathetic Virgil, claustrophobia, panic attacks, panic attacks described in detail, self hate, self hate talk, Virgil being a dick, mind manipulation, Remus being Remus (including-body gore, gore, food metion, burns, gross talk, being trapped, spiders, spider horror, caps) , ducking out being talked about, ducking out being a form of sh, slfhrm

    This gets dark so be careful

    This is split into four parts. All of the parts flow together in the order they are in, but if you need to skip a part, it should still make sense. Stay safe y'all

    Anxiety vs The Brain - Logan pov

    Anxiety vs The Ego- Romans pov

    Anxiety vs The Rejected- Remus and a little bit of Thomas pov

    Anxiety vs The Snake- Janus and Virgil pov

    Each part is split up with ~~~~~~

    Enjoy~

    [Also I’m on mobile tumblr, and it won’t let me put a read more. My apologies]


    The Fight of Anxiety


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    ~Anxiety vs The Brain~

    Logan was mildly upset. No, correction. He was… frustrated. Another pointless argument. More time wasted when something actually productive could have happened. Overwhelming heat swirled pushed against his ribs as he briskly walked towards his room. He was in desperate need of a break from the others. He needed to be somewhere spacious. His room, where he could let his feelings, the burning heat, out.

    “Hey Teach?” He knew that voice, he didn’t want to deal with the side who owned that voice at the moment. But he did the polite thing and turned around to face Virgil.

    “Is there anything I can assist you with?” He asked, his voice flat like that a cool glass filled with ice water. Something he had practiced, it was easier to deal with the temperatures in his chest with the others being unaware that it even existed. So he gave no signs that things were off, if just to keep things running smoothly.

    The sound of the others shoes squeaking against the floor, raised the temperature a few degrees inside Logan, as Virgil made he’s way over to him. “Lets just walk for a bit, okay Lo?”

    Logans fingers were about to burst from the heat that laid just below his skin. He’s nickname left a ugly taste, like burnt coffee beans, in his mouth when it came from this side. However he just gave a short nod and continued walking down the hall, now with Virgil along side of him.

    They walked in an uncomfortable silence for a while, the only sound was the squeaking of those shoes and light breathing. Logan refused to look at the other. That was until they got to Logans door. A sigh of relief escaped him as they both stopped, his shoulders relaxing just slightly.

    Now all that was between him and being able to cool down: was simple door.

    “I’m afraid this is my stop.” He stated to Virgil, a small forced smile on his face.

    When he didn’t get a response, not even a shrug, Logan turned and faced his door. The deep blue paint was starting to chip in places, he would need to remember to borrow some paint from Roman later. The tips of Logans fingers cooled against the smooth metal of the doorknob as he grasped it. He turned the handle and opened it, and a sour taste nipped at his mouth. Hadn’t he left his lamp on? Why was it so dark?

    A pair of hands where on his back suddenly, causing him to flinch hard. But before he could turn around and inquire what the hell was going on, he was shoved past the door frame and into the dark, into something that felt like a boxes. He turned around in time to see Virgil.

    His hair a mess, his eyes a deep cold purple (as cold when you forget a coat durning a winter storm) but worse of all was his smirk. The smirk that said Virgil knew exactly what he was doing. And he didn’t regret it at all. And then Logan couldn’t see him at all, as the door slammed shut.

    The door made a harsh noise when shut, like a piano stopped midsong, never to finish the piece, leaving an empty feeling. Logans breathing speed up as his hands searched for a doorknob. But there was nothing on this side of the door. He put his arms to the side, just to find out he barely had a couple inches on either side. His breathing hitched, the heat swirled faster, making his chest feel like it was break open. An empty feeling clouded his head as he fall back against a tower of boxes. The tower swayed, threatening to fall.

    Heat spilled from his eyes painfully, as he tried to feel for anyway out. Empty whimpers crawled out of his mouth, but were to quite for anyone to hear. The heat swirled with the empty from his head, both of them feeling like to much. It was to much as the sound of squeaking shoes started up and started going away from him.

    “No- Virgil!” He cried as loud as he could, but the heat & emptiness muffled his words, “Please- I, please… Can’t…” His voice burned from the bottom of his lungs to the roof of his mouth. There was so much pain, so much heat, so much of everything. But there wasn’t enough space. No room to breath, no room to move. No room.

    No room

    No room

    Not enough room to breath

    Not enough room to move

    Not enough room

    No way for Logan to let go of anything, so it stayed in him. Trapped in him. The heat was trapped, and same with the emptiness. Suck in him. Just wanting out, where he could breath.

    But he was stuck in his own hell, behind a simple door.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    ~Anxiety vs The Ego~


    Roman hummed softly, humming always helped seemed to help soften other noises. And oh boy, he had a killer headache at the moment. It felt like all of the Disney songs had played at once at the loudest volume, and as much as he loved Disney, it was overwhelming.

    However it hadn’t been all of the Disney songs at once, it had been everyone arguing about Thomas hopes and dreams! Well, perhaps it hadn’t only been about that… But that was the part that had made Romans head pound like a drum!

    He tapped his fingers to the beat of the song he hummed softly as he headed towards Logans room. After the debate the normally calm logically side looked distressed, and if any side knew what distressed looked liked it would be Roman!

    So, like the hero he likes to think he was, Roman decided to ignore the beat in his head and go check in on the distressed side who needed his help!

    Although, “How can you think that ‘you’ could help anyone?” Virgil asked at breakfast interrupting Romans explanation of Thomas’ dream from the night before. “Really Roman, how could you be a hero?” the memory pounded in his head, his humming got louder.

    Maybe he could check on Logan as a friend, he didn’t always need to be a hero anyways. Sometimes friends are needed, not hero’s. Roman gave a nod at the idea, and continue walking, unaware that he had even stopped.

    “Really Roman, how can you be our friend if it always has to be about you?” Virgil’s voice seemed to whisper in his ear, repeating something he had said earlier. Romans breath hitched, his humming coming to a harsh stop.

    “You act like you’re better than us, look in a mirror once in a while Princy.” Roman squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. He really didn’t think he was better than any of them. Virgil must have been upset, which is fair he had to deal with Roman after all.

    Roman cover his face with his hands, hiding large tears rolling down his face. His back against the hall wall. His head pounding with the crude words of the anxious sides.

    “Oh my fucking God Roman. Can’t you do anything right?”

    “It’s not surprising that Thomas didn’t get the part. You’re his creativity after all.”

    “I’m not even surprised that you failed. Again.”

    Roman was on the floor now curled up against the wall, his body was shaking with heavy loud sobs. It was to loud, his voice was to loud.

    “Wow.” Romans head shot up, this time the voice wasn’t just in his head, it was right in front of him. Virgil looked disgusted, as if looking at something worse then trash… And maybe he was. “Do you have to make yourself everyone else’s problem? No one wants to see you like this. I thought Princes where strong. I guess not.”

    His words replayed in Romans head, like a skipping CD raising in volume every repeat. “W-What?” Roman asked, his voice broken and far to quiet.

    But Virgil heard him just fine. “I know you heard me just fine Princey. Why do you lie like he does? Maybe you should join them. I wouldn’t be surprised if you do. You would betray us, wouldn’t you??” Virgil yelled, small tears running down his checks smearing his makeup.

    Roman blinked, when did he start crying. Oh god he made Virgil cry. Oh god oh god. No, no he didn’t mean to. He was sorry- oh god how horrid was he to make Verge cry. He stood up as fast as he could on shaky legs. “Oh god, Virgil I’m sorry-”

    Virgil scoffed, “You are just like them, aren’t you?” He wiped his eyes and shook his head. “I thought I could trust you..” He whispered before putting his hood on and walking away from Roman.

    Roman hurt, his head hurt, his eyes hurt. The ego himself hurt.

    He was broken. He couldn’t breath. He sunk out of the hall, and into his room. The mirrors that once had been whole, were now shattered. Thomas’s ego threw himself onto his bed. Bruised and broken, vowing not to come out unless absolutely necessary. Completing forgetting about looking for Thomas’ logical side.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    ~Anxiety vs The Rejected~


    Remus swung a baseball bat as hard as he could into basically anything in his room. His own laughter bouncing off the walls. He was upsettie spaghetti, Thommie didn’t like his ideas as much as Romans. Not that Romans weren’t good, but they didn’t have Remus flair!

    Remus wanted to be noticed not rejected! He really wanted even just one of his ideas to be at least considered- But if they wouldn’t listen, he could make him self heard!

    Remus let out a blood curdling scream, the baseball bat changing to a sword as he stabbed a wall and leaving it there. He let out a laugh before letting out a sob. But normal tears where Roman thing! So boring! So he cried battery acid, it burned, but at least it was interesting!

    He tried to rub it away, but it only made it worse and more painful the more he rubbed. He let out a frustrated scream as it burned, snapping his fingers and the acid was gone, no marks on his skin.

    “Haha Remus, maybe acid wasn’t the best idea! Maybe milk! Ooooo chunky milk tears!” He started to cry again but with chucky milk, it smelled horrid, perfect!


    Thomas cringed at the idea of chunky milk tears, but pushed the thought back. He hugged a pillow to his chest, his eyes where glued to the TV. He didn’t understand why he felt so shitty today. Sure he and his side got into a argument, but he normally didn’t feel this bad afterwards.


    Remus snicker and wiped away the tears, grabbing a stuffie (a Pumbaa stuffie from lion king, Janus had given it to him, and Remus had given him Timon) hugging it close to his chest. “Pumbaa? Imagine if you had real organs and not fluff? Well not you. JayJay spent a long time working on you, so maybe a different stuffie, cool idea right?” Remus bit his lip in thought. His mind spiraling down a rabbit hole- pfht- of that idea.

    He set Pumbaa down on his one nightstand, and grabbed a notebook and a simple blue pen and started scribbling down notes against the wall. Randomly yelling out what he was writing, or letting out a laugh. His mood going up now that he could write out an idea. That he could do it with out being told what he was doing was bad. It felt amazing.

    There was a knock on his door, and Remus’ face split into a grin. “Come right on in hoe bag!” The door opened and Remus spun around notebook held out in front of him, excitement flooding him. “Look at this Janu- hold on, your not Double Dee!”

    Virgil stood in his doorway, eyes glancing around the room, the disgust evident on his face. “I see you still don’t know how to clean.”

    Remus quickly closed his notebook and held it to his chest. “Nope! Cleaning is for losers who don’t like the adventure of trying to find shit!” Remus said, feeling that he had been a bit to loud. And the worry was proven right when Virgil flinched at his voice and looked away.

    Remus cleared his throat and made sure his voice was at a more 'inside’ volume. “So, um,” he cleared his throat, holding the notebook tighter. “Whatca doing here raccoon bitch?”

    Virgil eyes jumped up to Remus and down to his notebook, “Isn’t that your idea notebook or some shit?” Virgil asked, ignoring his question.

    Not very sneakily, Remus thought, but had something else he was more forced on. “Its none of your business, maybe it’s porn!” He giggled, knowing it wasn’t the best lie, but it really could be porn, if he knew himself.

    “You know Thomas doesn’t like your ideas, right?” Virgil asked with a sneer. His voice heavy and gross. But not in a gross way that Remus liked, this gross felt heavy and sticky. It felt like his words clinged to his very skin. And no matter how hard he rubbed at his skin the feeling wouldn’t leave.

    Remus did not like sticky.

    “Well you know Thomas doesn’t like being anxious right??” Remus snapped back, a moment or two late. Making it noticeable that he was affected by his words.

    Virgil smirked, having noticed that his words had the affect he wanted. “Well at least I have a purpose, I keep him safe. Not tear him down.”

    Remus huffed, his hands starting to rip at the edge of the notebook. “What do you want Anxiety?” He asked, his voice dark. It washed over his room marking the temperature drop a degree or two.

    Virgil finally walked out of the doorway and into the others room. Stepping over and around anything on his floor. “I want you to stop existing.” He said bluntly. Stopping once he was an arm length away from Remus.

    Remus snorted and then started full on laughing. Even going to the extent to slap his knee, once he caught his breath and straightened (ha) he looked at Virgil, raising one of his eyebrows. However Virgil didn’t look as amused. “What? I’m a part of Thomas. He needs me to be whole! I can’t just stop, ya know, being. Like, I’m not you! I’m not gonna be a dramatic duck and duck out- oh, oh shit.” Remus’ eyes went wide, one even popped out of his socket which he quickly pushed it back in. “That’s not what you meant, right Verge?”

    Virgil smiled sickly, “I’m glad you figured it out so quickly. I was worried I would have to explain it for your tiny dumb brain.” He took half a step closer, and Remus tensed up.

    Remus dropped his notebook. And summoned his morning star, “I think its time for you to leave. You’re not welcome here anymore.” His voice dropped to gravely tone. His room walls shook violently, as stuff fell off. Pumbaa took a dive off the table to the floor.

    Virgil’s face pinched as he seemed to think it over. He gave a bitter sweet fake smile. “I don’t think I will Remus.” And with that he jumped at Remus.

    Remus went to swing the moment Virgil moved but something held back his morning star, he glanced over his shoulder to see webs over it, connecting it to the wall. Oh fuck- and then he was knocked into the wall. He immediately started to struggle and screaming.

    Webs were sticky, webs could caught you and keep you there.

    And Remus was fucking shit his pants scared.

    Virgil growled and covered his mouth, a sticky substance climbing from his sleeve and covering his mouth.

    “No! Fuck no!” Remus tried to screamed, some of it going into his mouth. He gagged and threw his head back and forth.

    The webs covered his arms and legs, pinning him to the wall. Virgil stepped back, panting lightly while smiling at his handy work. He wiped his brow before bending down and picking up Remus notebook and opened it.

    Remus struggled harder, Virgil wasn’t suppose to look though it, fuck! The stickyness of the webs made him so uncomfortable, he wanted to rub his skin with an metal sponge until it was all gone. He gagged at the feeling of it over his mouth, and tried to scream, but barely any noise got through the thick web covering his mouth.

    Virgil tutted as he looked through the note book. “All of these are horrid- and I thought Romans ideas were shit!” He let out a chuckle before ripping out a few sheets.

    Remus whimpered, eyes going wide. He shook his head wildly. Those where his ideas! He didn’t care if Virgil liked them, he didn’t care if everybody hated them! He just couldn’t have them ruined, they were his! And he loved them-

    Virgil rolled his eyes and rip the papers in half and then into quarters, and he kept going until the papers where confetti sized.

    Remus had thick milk tears running down his face, pooling on the web gag. He wanted to yell, he wanted to hit Virgil. He just wanted Virgil out. But he was stuck. Quiet literally. 

    Virgil tore up the rest of his ideas, and then threw it like confetti into the air. He smiled and dropped the cover of the notebook before turning around and walking towards the door. While going out of his way to stomp onto Pumbaa.

    Remus growled as loud as he could, thrashing against the webs. Don’t fucking leave me like this, you motherfucker! Fuck you piss bitch! He tried to yell against the gag.

    Virgil smirked, and opened his door. “Wouldn’t it be such a shame if your door lock? So no one could come in?” He chuckled darkly, “Or get out?”

    Remus was rightfully freaked out, No! Satan’s asshole, please no! The idea of being alone, no one knowing, no one being able to hear him shook him to his core. Whether or not Virgil could do it, didn’t matter. Remus’ thoughts were already running wild. What if he died here? Alone, even unable to scream?? What if there was spider babies in the sack on his mouth and they hatch and eat his face???

    His thoughts were interrupted by his door closing, and the sound of a lock clicking. If he was freaking out before, he was losing his goddamn mind now. He couldn’t make sense of his thoughts, the sticky webs seemed to be more sticky and climbing over his skin.

    I need out, I need out, I NEED TO GET OUT!

    That one solid fact stuck out in his mind, and he tried to sink out, only to find out.

    That he can’t. He just can’t, no matter how hard he tried.

    His mind turned from painfully full to excruciating empty.

    Milk tears ran down his face and dripping around the web mask as he sobs went unheard.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    ~Anxiety vs The Protector~


    Janus gripped the plate harder than needed, as the sound of squeaking shoes came down the stairs. He set the plate into the soapy water, clenching his jaw. The horrid squeaking made its way to the kitchen to right behind him. His back was stiff as he grabbed a sponge and started washing the plate.

    He wasn’t dumb, this wasn’t the first time. It just had never been this extreme. As Self preservation he could always tell the stability of the mind as a whole, and right now everything was crashing to the ground.

    “What the hell have you done to everyone Virgil?” Janus said in a calm voice, his angry barely noticeable. Like the last burning coal in a fire pit filled with charcoal, hard to see, but still able to burn. And if the right breeze blew, that single coal could start the spark to burn down a forest.

    He kept his hands hidden in the soapy water, scrubbing the plate, hiding the ever so slight shake of his hands.

    “Why do you think I had anything to do with it? We both know your the one that hurts Thomas.” Virgil replied, his voice oddly soft which was off putting.

    Deceit, gave a dry single 'Ha’ as he lift the plate out of the soapy water and into the clear rinse water. The soap bubbles from the plate and his shiny gloves spreading out on the clear water. “Now Virgil, I’m suppose to be the lying side. You wouldn’t want to be like evil old me, right?” He chastised lightly, shoving down any of his fear. He needed answers, he needed to know what happened so he could help others. To get Thomas stable.

    Virgil growled softly, inching closer to Janus’ back. “Deceit, you fucking snake. Trying to turn my own words against me?”

    Janus rolled his eyes pulling the plate out of the water and placing it in the already half filled dish drainer. “Well, Anxiety, you shouldn’t have said it then.” He pulled out the plugs from both sinks and watched the water spin down the drains.

    Virgil hissed, standing right behind him now. His eyes watched over his shoulder as Janus pulled off the bight yellow rubber washing gloves from his hands showing his scaled hands. “How does it feel to be the monster of the group?” Virgil’s voice dripped in false honey, as if asking how Janus’ day was going.

    His breath hitched, it stung him somewhere deep. It hurt. But he couldn’t focus on it at the moment. He needed to stay focused.

    He pulled a pair of soft yellow cotton gloves from his pants pocket, slipping them on over his scaley, bumpy ugly hands. Hiding the sight of his hands from both of them. He turned to face Virgil, keeping his face blank. “I don’t know, how does it feel?”

    Virgils face flushed in anger. Unlike Janus, he felt no need to hide his emotions. His emotions fueled him, pushed him to do what he was doing. “Shut your fucking mouth!” He shouted, getting even closer to Janus face.

    The threatened snake growled in warning. His scaled half of his jaw dislocated and dropped, showing off his sharp teeth.

    Virgils brow furrowed as if in thought, and Janus felt a cooling pressure surrounding his head, pushing into his brain. “No-” he gasped out as he fell back, his hands catching on the counter, holding him up. Water droplets from the sink darkening his gloves. “You don’t get to fucking try that shit on me!” Janus hissed, the pressure intensified before backing off. He winced, eyeing the other in front of him.


    Virgil had a shit eating grin on his face, the rest of his face was relaxed. He had found what he needed, and Oh good God was this going to be fun-


    “Do you know the real reason I left DeeDee?” Virgils voice was fluffy and sweet like cotton candy. Janus didn’t trust it, he didn’t trust him. His head ached from the earlier pressure. But maybe if he let Virgil talk he could figure out just what happened.

    “I totally do, VeeVee,” he spat out the nickname harshly like it had burned his mouth, “You defiantly told Remus and I the reason why, before you left. You, for sure, didn’t just leave one day. No note or anything.”

    Virgil rolled his eyes with a sigh. He looked down at the ground and scoffed the floor with marks with his shoes, “Deceit. You’re the reason. You’re the reason I left, I couldn’t handle you. Always lying about the simplest things.  Not caring about us. Me and Remus. You only ever cared about yourself!” When he started his voice had been soft, but by the end of his rant he was yelling and his voice was breaking… In pain?

    Janus mouth was open, he couldn’t help it. He was in shock. Damn, he was expecting it, but it still pained him. His brain seemed to grow heavy, he blinked hard, his mouth closing, and refocused his brain. No. He couldn’t give in, Thomas needed him.


    But Virgil wasn’t done.

    “Deceit…” He let out a soft, wet chuckle, “You’re the reason I ducked out. Your voice haunts me every moment of everyday of my life. I can’t stand you. You hurt everybody, you infect everyone you come in contact with.” He was staring holes into Janus, the other was breaking before him. His eyes were clouded over, his human eye had a single tear drop out and roll down his cheek. And oh, did it feel great to break him. He just needed to do one last hard hit to get him to completely fall.


    Janus was shattering like glass, and he knew it. He just needed to hold out a little longer. He wasn’t sure what he was holding out for any more at this point, he just needed to hold on.

    But Virgil sound hurt, maybe he really was that horrid. To dive someone to stop doing what they are made to- to drive someone to try to not be. Dear lord, he was a monster. A tear welled in his human eye and slipped down his check.

    “You pushed Remus to it too…” Virgil muttered, pulling his hood over his head. He brought his hand up to his face as if wiping away tears.

    The snakes legs shook, barely holding him up. “What do you mean, Virgil?” He ask softly. His voice was laced in pain. Virgil had to be lying, right? Remus was his best friend. They shared ideas, watched movies, made dumb plans on how to bug the others. Janus didn’t hurt him, like that.

    Right?

    Virgil sighed, tired, as if he was explaining something simple to a child. “I meant what I said Deceit. Remus has ducked out, and you pushed him to it.” Virgil let out a sob, “He ducked out because of you.” He lifted his head to look at Janus, “Why can’t you just let us be happy?”

    Janus shattered into a thousand pieces. His legs gave out and he fell to the floor. He was the one to protect them, not hurt them. He had caused pain. He hurt Thomas, the main person he was suppose to care for. And now his best friend was- no! He could fix this. The lights had helped Virgil, he could help Remus.

    He got back up, it was hard too, but he needed to correct this. He had too. He could feel the very foundations of the mind splint like old wood. He needed to fix this. He took a step towards the stairs, up the stairs was his and Remus’ room. And once he figured out how to get in his room, he would help his best friend. Because that’s what friends do. He had tunnel vision, all he could focus on was the stairs, and getting up those stairs and to Remus-

    He took another step towards the stairs, but hand on his chest pushed him back. He turned his head to the owner of the hand, Virgil.

    Virgil gave a shake of his head, “Janus,” Janus felt a shiver run through his body, this was the first time his name had pasted his mouth, “Do you really think he would want to see you?”

    He slowly sat down on the floor again, pulling his knees to his chest. The sound of shoes squeaking echoed in his head, even after the actual noise was to far away to hear. He couldn’t really see anything, everything was to blurry with tears. He felt broken and dumb. How could he have been so selfish and not notice what Remus was going though?

    Janus gasped, maybe Virgil was right. Virgil would be the one to understand what Remus was going through. Janus nodded, he would give Remus time.

    He really was a monster, wasn’t he?

    #unsympathetic virgil #u!virgil #u! virgil #virgil is a dick #abusive virgil #logan sanders angst #roman angst #remus sanders angst #janus sanders angst #cursing#tw cursing#body gore#panic attack#panic#self hate #self hate talk #tw food#gross talk #remus being remus #spider virgil#spider horror#long post #the fight of anxeity #my writing
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  • don’t let anyone fool you into thinking it hurts any less once you stop blaming yourself for everything. it still hurts when you stand up for yourself. it still hurts when you cut them off. it still hurts when you realize you’re alone and have to start from square one. it still hurts to wake up in the morning and realize you have zero notifications. being alone is not easier simply because you did the right thing for yourself.

    the difference is, you’ve given yourself a fighting chance. this time, you can heal, and stay healed. 

    it hurts. and it is worth the investment. do it for you.

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  • Mi sento un disturbo e di troppo anche con chi non dovrei sentirmi in questo modo.

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  • You take my money when you are here at home. And you take my money when you’re in jail. I can’t get a break from this hellhole. And I only have myself to blame considering I let it go and continue to send money to you while you are there. I hope they send you to prison just like mom for 10+ years like they had said they would. Till you had gotten away out and only sent for 1 year while she was there for 3 years. Now look at y’all both in the same place waiting for trial to see whether you get sent to prison again or not. I hate this feeling when I think about y’all because I know you have to love your parents unconditionally. But I can’t help but think if y’all weren’t here I would be thriving and my family would be stable. My grandma wouldn’t have to struggle with money while they threaten to turn our electricity off. I wouldn’t have to overwork myself so we could have food on our plates. Having to worry about new clothes and school supplies for my little brother. Breaking myself so he wouldn’t have to know the struggle my sister and I knew at his age. Just wanting him to live a normal life and not have to worry about the things his older sisters had to worry about at a young age. Dropping out of college to help here at home because I’m so tired I can’t do both anymore. But pushing myself at this shit job just so my shit father can steal my paychecks and leave us in more debt while he uses the money on drugs and alcohol. And to help his methhead girlfriend who is as useless as he is. But yet here I am hating myself because I still forgive him and allow he to do it over and over and over. Canceling dentist appointments to get my tooth extracted because I’m getting bad infections. Canceling other things that I had wanted because I don’t ever buy myself nice things and I had to cancel it to pay for the overdue bills I had no idea about. Using up all the money I was trying to save because my dad spent half of it, ran up our electricity and water bills and left me to pay for all of it. The worst thing about it is he doesn’t even care. He only cares about himself and doesn’t care about his mother and the three kids he’s drowning. He doesn’t care that I’m ruining my future career just to help this family to help the mess he created. We’ve always been last option to him.

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  • I’m scared to tell anyone that I’m this fucking depressed because I doubt they’d care and I don’t want to bother them with my bullshit. It obviously never mattered in the first place. No one knows that it’s getting harder for me to hold back myself from myself.

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  • The only thing I would regret is disappointing my brother, sister and parents and leave my tumblr friends (because I don’t even have irl friends anymore).

    But what needs to be done have to be done, so really. I wouldn’t even blame anyone if they just decide to forget me.

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  • When I told some people close to me irl that I suffered a lot, they looked at me like I had two heads.

    The told it was impossible. “Why do you have depression? You have a nice family and everything you need!”

    But really, depression isn’t always dressing all black and never smile.

    Sure, I smile. I laugh. I play with my baby sister.

    But depression is also doing so without feeling anything.

    When I smile, laugh, talk, play with my sister I don’t feel anything.

    I just hate myself more and more. I think how people don’t have to act as they’re having fun.

    And I realise I’m not normal.

    So yeah, I don’t have depression huh?

    #depression#depression tw#self hate#self destruction #i hate my brain #i hate everything #i hate myself
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  • (tw: depression, ed, self harm, suicidal thoughts)

    today was terrible

    all my sister does is make fun of me. she tells me so often to just go die and i cant wait for the day that i finally do it. i look and feel like shit. i dont know what to do about eating bc when i eat i feel fat but i have to eat so my mom thinks im all better and my ed has just magically went away (yeah right) and im stuck between throwing up my food and feeling extremely bad ab throwing up food that my mom put sm work into (she hadda long talk with me ab that and guilt tripped me). i started cutting again and i still hate my scars sm but i keep making more bc i like watching myself bleed bc i deserve it aha and i have basically no friends and the friends i do have i feel i cant talk to and so i drown myself in my homework and good grades are the only thing i really got going for me until those go down the drain too ((:

    #depression#suicide #tw suicidal thoughts #tw#self harm #tw self harm #ed#bulimia#anorexia#tw ed#anxiety#social anxiety#tired#self hate #i hate myself #why is this happening again i thought i was ok for a while #i wanna kms
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  • I’m never enough

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  • I just want to sleep at nights

    And get things done in the daytime

    Is that too much to ask now?


    It’s like my body itself wants to give up on life but it’s not quite how it works. I either kms in a quick way or live and function. There’s no in between, come on bloodbag, cooperate 🙄

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  • you made attempts to break me time after time and I tried my best to deny the truth until I realized that you were a pathological liar in disguised always talking and forcing your filth down my throat knowing I would eventually suffocate from it. I now rise from the ashes and no longer fear you like I use to.

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    13.08.20

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  • I want to spill my guts about everything that happened between him and I. I want to tell someone in detail what i did for him.

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  • To my mutuals and followers

    I’m so sorry for everything I putted on depression related.

    I’m so sorry to have triggered anyone.

    I will not do anything like that anymore…

    I’ll probably do something to get rid of this problems, this time definitively…

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  • The saddest thing

    Is knowing

    That in five days

    I will not be able

    To eat my own birthday cake

    I will not be able to have a party

    I will not feel anything but guilt when receiving gifts


    But I’ll smile anyway

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  • I’m not allowed to feel

    I’m not allowed to want

    Please fucking hurt me for affording that

    Please fucking show me my place

    Which is to be no one

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