The Martyr Mask

Humans have massive savior complexes – myself included. Think about it – how often have you thought ‘I could have done more for them’ Or I haven’t done enough Or I’ve failed them Or… I could go on for days with these suggestions. I think the martyr complex, probably goes back to learning about Jesus on the cross to save us, and is ingrained in many of us. We wouldn’t get into the line of…

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Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light...

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You live for yourself first

Practice makes perfect. The more chances you give to [an abuser] the better they’ll become at manipulating you. Abusers don’t get better with time, they get worse.

recoveringfromnarcabuse

BURYING KNIVES/ CONTINUOUS STABBING my personal ramble on morality , values, pain cycle,lessons in suffering

The second you become so jaded that you toss out your moral compass and decide with intention that you are going to hurt, steal from, use, rob, betray, fuck over, exploit, manipulate people just because you can. You drew a distinct line separating you and everyone “less than”, and beneath you, with whatever false justifications you spin the wheel on each day.

It is then when your soul starts to rot. Those lines you drew , each day will get tighter around you , weaving you a cocoon of self delusion, and bitterness that you yourself will choke on.

When everyone around you look like pawns, even guilt becomes a dried fossil, everything has a price and there’s always an excuse, you’ve disemboweled and gutted your humanity.

Hollowed out what was once holding a live beating heart that loved, now organ-harvesting empty, black , echoing. You are spitting in the face of God.

And then maybe you got here in the first place because you have suffered , the pain you’ve went through. The hardships, the experiences, being robbed, fucked over, used , the betrayals. Just as unfair and cruel. Took a toll on you.

But where there is hurt there is hope. In the midst of tragedy there is always a path to transcendence. With loss and loneliness come lessons. All of the awful things we go through in life , they hurt, but they can heal us. To harden and simply turn the knives that were cutting us outward to cut others is the lazy way out.

Then starts the cycle over and over and over again. You’ll be on a loop for the rest of your life of hurt and hurting, frozen in time, growth stops, no progression just regression.

Imagine you don’t turn the knives in or out you take a little more time and thought to find them all, and one by one, you pull them out and you bury them once and for all. No one would need to be cut anymore not them , not you.

Because when you drown your values, you drown too because you become less solid and the water causes you to collapse in on yourself, so weak you cannot stand. Without dignity, without strength.

When you lose touch with humanity , you lose touch with empathy, and without empathy you lose love, you lose yourself. And the rotting will continue as your deteriorating soul harbors maggots and that cocoon is just about tight enough to take your last breath away.

Cut yourself loose. See the beauty again. See people.

Chisel away your concrete shell. Be vulnerable and exposed

Believe in love.

See you in everyone.

See everyone in you.

See them too.

Be able to jump behind every pair of eyes and feel what they feel.

Kill Me, Heal Me - Ep. 6

“The “Hood”

There’s something about growing up in the hood that makes you a certain kind of way. I was born and raised in “Spanish Harlem” NYC… I came from a very tough neighborhood. A place where it was literally the jungle. No one cared about how hard you had it because in their eyes someone had it that much harder. I saw and experienced so much that often times I find myself looking back like “wow I really survived all of that”… I always knew that I needed to get away, get out of that “trap”.. I always knew that although that was my home I wouldn’t stay there my entire life the way others before me has. It’s now that im miles and miles away that I’m truly able to sit back and think about everything that place not only gives you but takes from you in the same breath. How much it teaches you and reveals to you at the same time. I find myself looking for some chaos during my time of peace, and it’s like the “trap” still has a grip around my throat just enough to remind me that I’m never too far from it all. I guess the point of this is no matter where you come from or how much shit has happened you can find a way out. Just know that life is about being humble and not taking anything for granted. Cause just as you find your peace, something from the past can still apply some pressure like a “hand around your throat“…

Dawn of the dust bunnies

I confess that I haven’t been cleaning the house for weeks now. I do the bare minimum: I scoop the poop, wash the dishes, and sweep the floor where I practice yoga. The rest of the areas… I just pretend that they don’t bother me. The truth is, it reached a point where they really didn’t bother me at all. For real. The ball of fur that was growing bigger by the day? Nah, that’s fine! I can easily…

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none of that shit is welcome here

After you’ve suffered abuse and before you’ve healed, you tend to attract and search for partners that remind you of your abuser.

recoveringfromnarcabuse

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