you deserve the best out of life. you deserve the best out of people, and yourself. i hope you get it. i hope you get the life that doesn’t leave you laying up at night with an empty feeling within you. you deserve happiness and joy about who you are, how far you’ve come, and who is in your life. i hope you get it. i hope this day goes decent enough that you smile at least once. an actual smile. you truly do deserve it
How odd is it that the world has shut down. The times we wished to be other places or tucked away in our room are upon us. I am feeling grateful for this time of being locked away because it has given me time to pull myself together. I am trying to be better when it seems everything is getting worse.
“Егоизъм”
А може би така се чувствам. Но как? Не зная. Наистина не знам. А може би не чувствам? Дали? Възможно е. Но усещам, че чувствам. Ами ако чувството е, че не чувствам? Душата ми се губи някъде. Като ключовете, които се загубват някъде из дивана. Или като портфейл паднал на задната седалка на колата. Усещането не е нещо просто. Чувството също. Има разлика. Усещането е нещо, което отключва чувството. Усещаш допира на любим човек и чувстваш любов, например. Как всъщност човек би разбрал как се чувства, когато не знае и това го ръчка? Ами ако решението е просто да не разбира? Ами ако просто трябва да изчакаш, за да разбереш? Или може би…това е начина по който ще се чувстваш? В такива моменти просто оставям нещата да се случват. Прави това, което искаш. Което наистина искаш. Няма нито един ангажимент, който да е по-важен от теб самия. Звучи ужасно егоистично нали? Да, така е. Егоистично е. Но ако човек загуби себе си, как ще помогне на някой друг? Как ще извършва каквито и да е дейности и ще изпълнява каквито и да е ангажименти, ако него самият го няма.
“Егоизъм” - поредния наложен стериотип: “Лошо е да си егоист”, казват хората. Защо? Грижата за теб самия лошо нещо ли е? Преди да можем да помогнем на някой друг, не би ли било хубаво да можем да помогнем първо на себе си?
“Егоизъм” - нещо хубаво:
Да, както всяко нещо си има и минуси, но защо виждаме само тях? Защо за пореден път спускаме перде за хубавите страни на нещата? Не е ли всъщност логично да бъдем егоисти до определена степен? За да можем да помогнем на себе си, да знаем как се чувстваме и най-важното - да не затрием себе си. Нека вместо това да намираме себе си и да го градим, а това няма как да стане без капчица егоизъм.
✨ MENTAL HEALTH AND QUARANTINE ✨ by a disabled folk who lives this life every day ✨
All are ideas and suggestions - please don’t force yourself to do too much. I have entire days when I do literally nothing but Netflix and that’s okay! 💕 Remember this WILL end and life will go on. Things will be different but it will be okay. You got this. 👊
• Keep the curtains open and the lights on - you NEED sunshine right now! ☀️
• Get outside and enjoy the fresh air! Go for a walk, learn wildflowers, look for birds, or just stand outside your front door for a minute or two! 🌷🌸
• Exercise! This can be when you go outside or done indoors! Do yoga, steps, dance, push-ups, etc. Listen to fun music while you do it. 💃🏼🕺🏽
• Drink lots of water! Add lemon juice or cucumbers if it gets boring. 🥤
• Avoid junk food. Fresh food, especially fruits and veggies (canned, frozen, and dried are acceptable!) will keep you feeling energized. 🥕🍓
• Eat at least three meals a day to stay on schedule for your health! 🍽
• Try using a habit tracker. I highly recommend the app Habit. ☑️
• Try to stick to a sleep schedule. If mental health is keeping you from sleeping, try melatonin or Benadryl and listen to a meditation. 😴
• Meditate! Even just for a few minutes. I love using the app Insight Timer for guided meditation. 🧘🏼♀️
• Keep up with your regular hygiene practice. Shower, brush your teeth, wash your face. If you want, occasionally put on makeup if that’s something you usually do - it’ll help you feel fresh! 🧖♀️
• Avoid too much social media and The News™️. 🗯
• Read, watch, or listen to something fun and educational! Let me know if you want podcast recommendations! 📖
• Do something creative you’ve wanted to do but haven’t had time for - paint, bake bread, write a song, program a game! 🎨
• Talk with a friend - they need it too! FaceTime and play games like 20 questions, FMK, etc. Do Buzzfeed quizzes together! Text someone just to check in or chat. If you don’t know who to reach out to, I’m here. 💞
• Clean at least one small thing a day (cat box, bedside table, phone dashboard, etc.) 🧹
• Do one thing each day that feels productive to you - not necessarily a chore! 🌟
Please reblog/copy and paste to other social media accounts. (Just remove this line to fit the character limit on IG) We’ll get through this together. 🥰
[30/03, 2:55 pm]
We’ve talked about this. I would have loved for you to be a huge part of it but you can’t, right? You have other things to focus on first.
You may witness growth and change but you can’t be an active part of my healing journey. You can ‘be there for me’ by listening to me you mean?
If so the yah we already do that, but I guess i always longed for more than just that. I’m not asking you for it because seriously, what i need is a fucking therapist and that’s a job not a level of friendship.
I always wanted to go to a therapist, i always wanted to let go and let someone who knows best do the healing for me or take me through it. I wanna be taken care of, not the opposite. I got really tired, i was just in constant fear that I can’t get what I want. My parents denied me help. They covered everything like none of it happened and i was only 14. I had to grow up so fast to be someone no one else can be for me. I had to be completely responsible for everything i felt and because no one else cared or wanted to care for how i feel. I know deep down my parents denied things because they didn’t even think i was in pain enough to go to such extremes, they were pretty much disgusted of me. Fucking ignorant people. They sympathize with characters in books they read but not their own daughter.
I’m still just a child, i really am. But i just have to keep it strong all the time because that was my coping mechanism. And i want to let go.
Will i still fit in?
Will i be considered a responsible person?
Will i be seen as worthy in my parents eyes?
I don’t know
Everything i did physical was an apology to my parents, it was so they see me as worthy of being alive in a way.
Like “please don’t give up on me, look I can still score high grades”, “you’re friends think I’m such a good kid, hope that makes you not want to give up on me”, “i won’t ever love a boy again or let myself slip, just please keep me and don’t get rid of me”.
Because when you’re locked in a room and your siblings won’t talk to you, your parents are too busy to think of your emotions but would punish you to be a good kid through withdrawing from you, when you have no friends to make your mind a happy place and when love is a test god put on you to see if you’ll disobey him, trust me the whole world has already given up on you. And what’s so bad about that? I had a fear deep down, a knowing, that if i continued in that state any longer i was gonna kill myself and it was like i was forced to do so, it wasn’t a choice that I get to make.
There are times in life when you realize that you are not at peace with your past and then you decide to withdraw and to fix it.
I discovered that I am not at peace with being myself. I wrestle with negative thoughts a lot. And since I started turning them into prayers, my mind is less negative. My aches are becoming voiced questions, my tormenting thoughts requests, my deep longings a burden not only carried by me.
And this is why I created this blog, as well. I want to set out on a journey, a journey of rediscovering what it means to be a woman. A making peace with my past and maybe, helping and encouraging you a little to do the same.
Ten years ago, when I was 23 an old friend introduced me to @taylorswift music. I had just gone through a horrendous breakup to a guy named John and she mentioned how she felt I would appreciate the song “Dear John.” To my surprise it resonated every thought and feeling I was going through. It didn’t take long before I begged her to let me borrow her Speak Now album. I’ll admit here and now that it was one of the fundemental albums I listened to help me recover from one of the worst relationships I’ve ever been in.
Two years later in 2012, history repeated itself. The relationship wasn’t as dramatic or eventful but it still hurt like hell. I mean, how could it not? when no matter how many times you put your love out there they never want to stay. To my surprise Taylor Swift put out her singles for her Red album that fall and I can’t even begin to describe how therapeutic it was to listen to “I knew you were trouble” but also how much I cried every time I listened to “Red” because it really did feel like driving a Maserati down a dead end street *cries even now*
Two years after that in 2014, Taylor’s 1989 album was released and at the time I hadn’t really cared to date anymore. I was happy being on my own and wasn’t looking to detox of any sad emotions but I bought the album because “Shake it off” was just super fun to listen to and I’m so glad that one song convinced me to buy the album because that year I had a falling out with the very friend who introduced me to Taylor’s music. So one can only imagine what song I had on repeat that fall. You guessed it “Bad Blood” it was almost as if she had premeditated my life. Like she knew what was coming before I did and said, “here. This might help”
In 2015, an ex bf from 2006 (my first real bf) sent me a text one night after not speaking for about six years because he was in a new relationship and wouldn’t stop messaging me. Keep in mind, I had never gotten over this guy because he was my first everything. It was hard to forget him (up until this series of events of course) but as hard as it was to ignore him i knew it wasn’t right to talk to him while he had a girlfriend because yes, I believe in karma. The night he textd me we talked for hours. He says “we broke up” and “she wasn’t you” I fight it for a bit but eventually I bite. Not long after, I see him and get to kiss him again. It felt like magic all over again, he even mentioned going on vacation together and getting married but as fast as he came he left. Turns out he was still seeing his “at the time ex” (you can see where this is going) I eventually put all the pieces together and tell him to never speak to me again. I felt so broken and stupid for believing every word he said and for thinking that I could even mean anything to him when he had been with this other girl for 7 years at that point. So what did I do to heal? Like most people I hung out with friends and kept busy but honestly, none of that helped as much as listening to “You’re not Sorry” from the Fearless album on repeat. It was the one album I hadn’t listened to in its entirety yet and when I heard that song I cried like someone spilled onion juice in my eyes but I kept moving forward and eventually got out of my depressive state. So again, thank you for that. Btw fast forward to present time and they’re now married. So, congratulations Mr and Mrs Muir. Side note: there are so many details missing from this but I don’t want to bore anyone with that in the middle of an already long post.
Flash forward to 2016, there wasn’t a new Taylor Swift album. Which almost felt odd considering there had been 2 year gaps between her albums before but I did read a lot about her in the tabloids that year so I figured her absence might’ve been related to it. Regardless, my own personal and very unrealistic agenda for Taylor made me angry with her that year. 2016, was the year Trump ran for President, and as we all know he won. For some crazy reason my head went crazy. I strongly believed that Taylor could’ve kept that man from winning had she used her voice because of how strong her following is but we couldn’t find her until voting day. I conjured up this idea in my head that she was more concerned about losing followers over where she stood in politics than what actually happened to us as a nation. I really don’t know what I was going through that year to be so delusional. It probably didn’t even have to do with Taylor Swift but I did become angry. There was just so much uncertainty by the end of that year that maybe I used her as a scape goat and just started believing all of the negative things that were being posted online about her which in retrospect, wasn’t right and wasn’t fair. She’s still a person with not only her own thoughts and feelings but also her own struggles. So if by any crazy chance you happen to read this I want to say I am deeply sorry.
Okay, so now it’s the year 2017 and I am celebrating one year of living with my awesome new roommate, who legitimately has been one of the bestest if not thee best friend I have ever had and Taylor has released her Reputation album BUT I do a personal protest to not listen to it (because remember? I’m still angry) but it was inevitable. She was everywhere! and while I may not have been a huge fan of the first single, I have to admit when I heard “Ready for it” in that one commercial it got so hard to not want to just listen to it on Spotify because the whole song just sounded so good. Yet, somehow I kept strong.
Flash forward to 2018, and what is this I see? Taylor Swift finally voiced her opinion on politics? Let me tell you, when I say I ran so fast to the Spotify app so fast it felt like my life was depending on it. I relapsed the second Taylor Swift announces her political stance because I may have been wrong about her but I was wrong for a good reason. She showed what she truly valued and it wasn’t numbers. Thank you by the way because I was aching to listen to “Ready for it” on repeat for about a year at this point. Not only that! But she released her 2 hour Reputation Tour documentary on Netflix that year and now I was upset that I let my emotions get the best of me because it looked like such a fun tour to be a part of.
2019, wasn’t too eventful from what I can remember. Well, with the exception of Taylor fighting for the rights to her music which by the way, what the hell is up with that? Just give her work back! Still I hoped that regardless of that her and her boo Joe Alwyn were doing well. I personally loved the story I read somewhere about how he told you he wasn’t giving up that easy or something along those lines. I’m personally a hopeless romantic and like cheesy stuff like that even though I may come across as tough ogre. In the words of Shrek himself, I’m like an onion. I’ve got layers.
So now we’ve finally reached present year 2020, a whole 4 years since I got irrationally upset with a person I’ve never met before except through her work. It’s 6 days before my 33rd bday and the Miss Americana documentary is released on Netflix. I felt angry once again but this time at myself. I was upset with this artist I had admired for so long who had helped me mend wounds and collect broken heart pieces. All while she was dealing with her own family issues, her breakups, sexual abuse, body image issues, scandal, and finding the strength to voice her political opinions. I really had the nerve to be upset? I’ll admit another thing on here at the risk of someone I know reading this and thinking I’m overdramatic for doing so but I cried. I genuinely felt terrible. How she’s been able to keep such a strong and wise head on those shoulders after everything that’s been thrown at her is admirable. I can only dream of being that damn strong and I find refuge in the fact that while everything may not be perfect in her life at least she has a good support system whether that be in the shape of her parents, her brother, her boyfriend, or her friends (yes, that includes fans.)
Anyway, I wrote all of that to show you guys that while we’ve been in quarantine I’ve found solace in bullet journaling and had added a bunch of my favorite Taylor Swift lyrics from the last 4 albums she’s released. It helped me let go of a lot of old thoughts and emotions to rewrite them myself. Your music, your words, and your values have helped me and so many others so much Taylor. I know it’s selfish to ask but please keep writing even when you get married or when you have kids and they need their diaper changed (shoot I’ll babysit if you need me to) or til you get old lady fingers and they’re all spotty and wrinkly. I’ll even send cookies as a thank you. If you’ve read this far I hope Ive made you laugh even a little. Stay, stay, stay, safe and quarantined guys :)
have you ever noticed you pick up little habits and phrases from the people you love? it’s no wonder our hearts are so easily broken when people leave. we become a reflection of the people that we care about and those personality traits stick with us even if the people don’t
In attempt to keep myself for self harming, I’m instead using makeup to create the visual I feel when I self harm, it doesn’t replace the physical pain I crave but it was able to calm me down enough to where it’s not the only thing screaming at me, I hope this helps someone else as well.
Reaching Out in Rainbow (2020)
Inspired by light. Shared to break the onslaught of darkness.
