Looking through my own selfies like ‘oh she cute’
Looking through my own selfies like ‘oh she cute’
In a whirlwind of emotions the world never stops moving. My world may have paused for a moment but one day something just clicks. I realise that I don’t need someone to make me feel important, wanted, or needed.
I had to take a moment to remember a time before I knew what love was, before heartbreak. How I used to be. I used to be so charismatic and charming, I smiled all of the time. I would give you a look with just my eyes that would tell you everything you needed to know. I would tease you with a smirk and a swish of hips as I bounced away with the freedom of me. I loved me, all of me. I was at my happiest just shy of 16 and I was so confident and full of life.
Like a double edged sword I would welcome people into my life with trust and love but I could also cut you from my life with as much sting with my words and a stern glare.
I was sharp and witty, always so clever with my answers. I was smart and challenged the system in which I felt cheated. I had so much passion and ambitions to strive for. The future was in my grasp.
One fateful afternoon my world turned upside down, I lost everything in a matter of days. ‘May never walk again’ 'lifelong condition’ 'disabled’ 'so strong’ I hated it all. I hated myself I hated my body for betraying me just like everything else in my life. I was always cold, disconnected and unaffected by the harshness of the world because I was made that way, I was built for survival. Never accured to me that it would take me longer to learn to accept this new version of me.
Then I met a boy who plucked me from my self destruction and broke all of my walls down brick by brick. For one who never cried, I found myself highly emotional, only he got to see the vulnerability underneath the surface. He loved me, a stranger of who he only knew from the classroom who was happy. I couldn’t understand why he would willingly want a broken me when it was the whole me he really wanted. I did not love him. I was still independent and stubborn dispite my unfortunate events.
He was there when I was alone, he saved me, encouraged me to get back on my feet and so I did. I learned how to let someone in and depend on them in my time of need. It wasn’t long before I fell in love with him and meant the words 'I love you’. I said them before for months but I never meant it, until I did. Dependency is a dangerous game, instead of co-dependancy, I lost my independence and relied on him for everything for years, I forgot how to be on my own and to be my own person as I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend for him as I felt guilty that we couldn’t do normal relationship things.
I slowly got stronger and more confident in my abilities thankfully through my time at college. But I was held back by the foundations on which my first love and I built on, I didn’t allow myself to fully explore that independence, I continued to take advantage of his help, his car, and his time. He would belittle me, call me a child and distant himself from me. The one who fell in love first, fell out of love first, whereas I loved him so much I was blinded by my own need I forgot that he had needs too and didn’t see the signs of the incoming doom. Heartbreak was imminent.
I was terrified of being alone I couldn’t picture my life without him. I needed him so much I felt sick to my stomach. I was afraid of the future, of the unknown. I faught so hard to win him back and I did using our history and sex. I finally won and got what I wanted, but before too long we were engaged. Suddenly it was like an ice bucket of water shot down over my entire body and I realized this is not right. I learned a hard lesson that love is not everything, you can still care and love that person but be strong enough to let them go because you deserve better. We both did. I read somewhere that truly resonates us, 'he was a hurricane and she was a tornado, they just didn’t mix like the light wind and soft drizzle like they used too’
And now I’m in this strange limbo where I’m figuring myself out, what I want, my ambition, my independence. I hate being single but I need to be to rediscover this new chapter of my life and who I am now. I now realised that I need to love myself and be happy with myself and find a life partner who adds to my happiness not make me happy. I have grown up alot since my 16 year old self, but now at 21 I need to install a little bit of her alongside the other parts of me to become this strong, well rounded woman that I can be today.
Make up not perfect ,I refuse to use filters
It’s ok not have top notch professional make up skills because we all have our own unique look and styles
Its good to feel fabulous about yourself
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Sometimes I distract myself with myself by coming up with ways to prevent myself from moving forward and achieving my goals. Like self doubt… Mentally sabotaging myself by telling myself I’m not good enough, I’m too old or I’m too fat.“ (its weird how I never doubt myself on Talent what skill. Just on self image and worth.) Or I’ll do the polar opposite - Think I’m the shit, and destract myself with women. Here’s my remedy… I find that with just a little bit of weed, ( #420friendly ) my true self awakens and I tell myself "Get your shit together. We have way too much to accomplish and a very short period of time. We don’t have time for your self pity, doubt or your loathing.” I tell myself to do what the fuck we came here to do and let’s get it. There ain’t nothing holding me back but myself. If I’m ever to have hate in my heart for anyone in this life it would be towards myself. For allowing myself to waist valuable time and energy, when it can be directed towards accomplishing “our” goals and achieving “our” dreams. I say all of that..only to say this… I understand why someone could say…
I have to stop thinking I need to change myself to be desirable. It’s okay that I’m too loud and laugh too much and am the most unsubtle person in the world. It’s okay that the my footsteps are heavy and I can’t touch my toes and you can tell everything I’m feeling by looking at my face. Someday someone is going to look at me and love me because of all that, not in spite of it
Please, try not to take it personally. I know, it’s hard and they’re not treating you fairly. This is not your fault
The source of happiness is within us. Happiness starts from within us. Outer events might awaken happiness, but the the real source of happiness comes from within you.
Happiness often seems to be the result of external factors, but actually, it starts and comes out into the open from inside us.
There is inner happiness within everyone, but it is covered by layers of negative thoughts, fears and anxieties. Inner happiness is an inseparable part of our inner being, of our essence, but we often allow various factors to hide it.
This inner happiness appears when thoughts and worries calm down. There is a deep correlation between inner happiness and inner peace. When one is the present the other one is present too.
Felt like posting
to whomever is reading this,
i hope you’re having an amazing morning/afternoon/night.
if you haven’t already had your daily dose of water, do so right now!
if you haven’t eaten, go do that as well!
take a refreshing shower.
set your device down for a while.
go get some fresh air.
everything will get better.
we’re going to get through this together, okay?
take a deep breath. stand up straight. keep your head up and smile for me!
i love and appriciate everything you do! i’m so proud of you for making it this far.
Try as she may no one knows her truly. She forgets how many layers her wall has…you know what she let’s you know. Shes tired shes so tired sometimes. She loves herself but she has a hard time letting people love her.
dependency is alright.
its okay if you depend on someone else a bit. it doesn’t make you any weaker or them any stronger. its a building block of civilization.
however, it’s always good to know you are enough for yourself too, shall the need arise! ✨
Tumblr blocked my other photo :(
i did my makeup today. My lipstick was literally shit brown and i still felt good, for the first time in SO fucking long
Taking a step back from it all.
Gonna worry about the fine details later.