So Some deep and depressing thoughts. Depression Sucks. It’s not new, and it’s not old. It sucks but at the same time, no one really gets it if they don’t have it. And the best way I can explain it is, when you want something so bad, you are willing to hurt yourself for it, but when it’s given to you, you can’t believe it’s there.
It’s a stupid idiotic tick in my head. Like for example, me. I want someone to make me feel safe. Like safe to be me, to explore who I am, and grow with that. Cultivate what i want, and what’s good about me. To be frank, to be loved. But not like love as in a partner, but a family. To pretty much feel like, if something happens, you’ll get a hug and be told everything is going to be ok. You know it isn’t, or you can think it isn’t. but you want to believe it.
Yet, get this, this stupid thing is, when I finally get it. I don’t think I actually got it. Like if I have friends who try to cheer me up or talk to me. People who care and want to try. I think of them like people who will just give up on me. No matter what. Granted, it’s stupid, and a self defense mechanism. I mean… I don’t want to trust someone, feel hopeful, and get shot down because I did something.
That feeling of betrayal. When you are so needy, and hungry for someone to make you feel better when you are down, to the point you’ll open yourself up to it. But the next moment, feels like you took a bullet to the heart when you just fall from a flight of stairs wondering why the hell did I bother trusting them?
Now, I try to be a little more open. I mean ridiculously open. So much so, I don’t really hold anything back. I just expect everyone to leave me. If I just disappeared, I eventually fade from their memories.
It’s weird, to hide nothing, but at the same time, to hide something else.Like, if you hide nothing about yourself, you hide the one thing that really matters, your trust in people. You can say something and no one can listen. If someone does, well it’s nice, but it won’t last. Eventually people will get tired of you whining about shit. And truth be told I would too. Yet I don’t feel like anyone is just there for me. It’s dark to say, but the feeling that If I get lost, I want someone to find me. To tempt to try it, is to see if someone does. Yet eventually there is a disconnect from that. If I get lost, I can be alone.
It’s not dark, just, a little happy. No one to bother you, no one to bother with. It’s nice being alone. It’s peaceful, it’s quiet. No one wants you, and you can just be who you are, alone and safe. There’s no need to hide, no need to be somewhere crept away from the world. You’re already alone and it’s nice.
It would be nicer if there was people in it. Where you can paint color into your world. You realize the moment you do, your world was black and white. So emotionless and only focused on you. But when you can bring someone else in, the world bursts into color. And I mean color, as in , the world has meaning. Things you may have felt once, feel different, because at first, it was just you who likes it, where you share your color with it, but now, it has some color of it’s own, since others fill it with color too.
The world can be a magical place. That’s what this means. That’s what everything is, potentially can be. Yet, it still needs people, and I’m the only one living in it. When people leaving, their colors disappear with them. Slowly sinking away into the black of this grey world. But it’s ok, when you have some light, you can just make it comfortable for yourself. Eventually, you might find something. But if you don’t, it’s ok. The world still has your color. And that’s all the matters
I do some sort of metaphor and go on some allegorical track
Crazy thoughts, meet the mad man
Yeah, I don’t think if it’s not stated, or picked up. I mostly just talk to myself in these rants.
I’m not really trying to talk to anyone.
Just, weird thoughts buried deep inside and just shot out like a potato in a canon
It’ll hit a wall and go kablooey
it’s actually kind of fun