#self-hatred Tumblr posts

  • it was a nice day, i was quite happy, watched funny things. and one photo decided to destroy everything.

    i know i should stop caring about my high school friends and what they’re doing… we’re not friends anymore, it shouldn’t concern me anymore, yet it does. it still does.

    we were a pack of friends. the best friends forever, like in this cliche teenage movies, and we stopped be when we graduated. everyone just went their own way and started doing their own things. yet they still keep in touch. they talk. they meet up. they do stuff we used to do when we were friends.

    but i’m not part of that. and i don’t have a fucking idea why. i get it that we parted, but they united, and forgot to tell me or something?? i don’t know. i don’t understand. and i see these photos they upload on sns and i start crying immediately because why it ended up like that. why.

    today i was supposed to meet with the only friend i have a contact with and she canceled it. of course. who would want to meet up with the loser like me? i hate myself.

    i hate all of them, but i hate myself more. so much more. and one minute i feel like life’s not that bad, and another i want to kill myself. there’s so many reasons for me to kill myself, and so few to not doing that. 

    everyday i am actually closer to dying, and i just want to speed it up. let’s speed my death up, because there’s no reason to wait. why should i?

    because of the quarantinne and the whole pandemic i feel like i’m trapped at my own house, with mom and brother and i hate it. and i know that technically i can go out and do whatever i fancy, yet i have no motivation and will to actually do that.

    i’m just really tired and i don’t have anyone - literally no one - i can talk to.

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  • All that thinking must have given me a brain clot. Excess tissue in the brain preventing me from acting. Debridement for the brain. Unmarry me from that thought.

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  • an overwhelming amount of self hatred is flooding me.

    hatred for who i am

    for how i feel

    for my fucking body

    for the lack of confidence and courage to be truly myself.

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  • I’m a monster and you know, I deserve to hurt myself as punishment for being so awful and useless. It’s okay if I get hurt because that way everything is balanced out. 

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  • I must be a bad person because more than one person has called me a bad person so it must be true.

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  • So this thought has been sitting on me today, so I’m going to try to put it into words. It’s one of those things that was exceptionally hard for me to really get in my recovery, so if you dont want to deal with hard concepts right now, I suggest moving on. Its one of those things that makes sense, but it hurts to hear if you are used to functioning in a certain way.

    Self hatred is not a form of gratitude or apology. If person A has done something nice like an act of service for person B, it makes the relationship incredibly difficult to navigate if they respond with “oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, i cant believe I didnt do that already, I’m such an idiot, I’ll do it next time i swear.” Bonus points for difficulty if person B starts crying.

    And like, I GET that reaction. Painfully so. That is a trauma reaction from abusive environments growing up, and I get it. I have reacted that way hundreds of times. I am so guilty of this that it hurts.

    But person A was genuinely trying to do something nice for person B. There was no implicit guilt trip involved. It was probably more “I noticed you were struggling and stressing over getting this thing done, so I did it for you.” Its an expression of love. They wanted to see person B relax and smile. Instead, they appear to have made everything worse. A thank you never happens.

    An even harder situation is if person A notices person B is struggling to get something done (say struggling in with basic house chores like cleaning up after themself), so person A gently tries to address it with person B and person B implodes in self hatred. This is really important in people who live together, as someone failing to take care of themselves and living area can impact the person they’re living with. Person A might be frustrated but is ultimately trying to help, trying to figure out whats wrong, trying to be supportive. Person B has most likely been acutely aware of the thing not getting done and is so buried in self hatred that they dont know what to do. No thank you is given for being willing to address the issue, no apology is ever given for the thing not getting done. Just panicked appeasing of person Bs implosion.

    Trauma reactions are uneblievably difficult to conquer. But this is one worth focusing on. And im not trying to guilt anyone who does this. If you react this way, then chances are reading this is making you feel guilty inherently. Its OKAY to struggle. Its okay if trauma is eating you alive, choking your throat, and clouding your mind. I want to reiterate ITS OKAY and a PERFECTLY understandable reaction.

    Whats not okay is never trying to fix it. For abandoning any idea of trying to fix it. This reaction can really strain relationships in even the most compassionate people. Especially long term.

    Quite honestly speaking, this is probably why I had a really hard time keeping friendships for the first 20 years of my life. I burnt out the people around me. And I have slowly, very slowly learned to forgive myself for that. I was struggling from immense trauma, and things just sort of play out certain ways on the way to recovery. It doesnt make it okay. It doesnt mean I didnt hurt those friends. But I get it. I get that I was an exasperating person to deal with. I get that I had reacted violently so many times to the most gentle things that people became SCARED to help me, support me, do nice things for me, approach me at all. I get it. I have worked to fix it, and I have forgiven myself for the pain I caused. I have apologized to these people where I can. I have taken that anger directed at myself, and I have directed it at my abusers instead.

    I am responsible for my own actions yes. 100% But I can also simultaneously recognize that my actions were heavily influenced by things that were done to me that I had no control over. I can be angry at my abusers, mourn the loss of those friendships, apologize for those actions, and work on myself all at the same time. Without hating myself.

    I am still learning when to say thank you and when to say I’m sorry. Sometimes I still react violently, but rather than lay that reaction on the people around me, I have learned to calm down on my own, and THEN communicate what it was that upset me so. When I couldnt calm myself down and needed the other person to help, i have still waited to situate my thoughts first before talking to them about the problem.

    Communicating through both rational and irrational thoughts and emotions is one of the hardest things to learn. And im still learning. But its WORTH working on, no matter how hard it is. The family you have made for yourself LOVES YOU. They wouldn’t be there if they didnt. So dont give up on yourself, cause they havent either. I am learning to love myself enough to fix myself, if not FOR myself then for the people I love. And when I see someone else doing the same negative reaction over and over, I do my best to have both compassion for their struggle and support them AND compassion for myself enough to take care of myself.

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  • my mental health has never gotten this bad before, and i’m genuinely terrified. i feel like everybody hates me, and that all of my past actions are unforgivable, and i’m literally the biggest shit on this planet, and it would be better if i was just unalive. i don’t want to talk to my friends about it bc i don’t want to bother them and at this point i’ve isolated myself so much that i’m not even sure that we’re friends anymore and everything just hurts.

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  • image

    please take this low-quality meme

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  • Why do I hate myself so much :( and why do I get bored so easily :(

    #thoughts.txt #boredom#self-hatred
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  • TW: Self-hatred, swearing

    You ever just hate yourself? I mean, a lot? And you don’t even know why? It’s not even dysphoria related? You just feel like a burden because you have emotions and have been sharing them? Like, what the fucking hell brain? Let me share my thoughts and feelings without hating myself? Please???

    #I know this isn't the content y'all are here for but... #not dysphoria related #vent#self-hatred #i hate myself #haha joking... #unless?
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  • this one was kinda pointless, just wanted to draw a sadpost


    #art#comic#mental illness#self-hatred #rly i don't know why i drew this one #cute outfit though u gotta admit
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  • Sometimes I forget how worthless and idiotic and stupid life makes me feel. But then I leave my house, and lo and behold, life comes along, smacks me in the face, and there it is. My reminder that I am positively useless and moronic as a human.

    #depression #i really am a stupid and worthless piece of shit #self hatred
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  • This book is making me cry. I love Alex and Henry so much. They are such an adorable couple. And Henry saying these things brings back memories of a time when I hated myself, not because of my sexuality, but just because I was me. And this line got me thinking that no one deserves to feel like that.

    If anyone reading this is feeling any type of self-hatred, then please understand that there are people who care about you. You are loved. You are amazing.

    Please let people know that they are loved and amazing in their own way. Spread positivity and love and acceptance.

    And also Happy belated Bisexuality Day!!!

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  • Seeing blood drip down my arms is probably the most satisfying thing in the world

    #self hatred#selfharm#depressed#depression tw#death tw #i've never felt as suicidal as now #suicidal #suicide ideation tw #suicide#tw suicide #i want to die #blood
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  • avpd brain b like “sorry to everyone I’ve ever interacted with, u deserve better than to have to perceive my wretched existence”

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  • facing my own appearance in the mirror is the worst punishment i can think of.

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  • I hate how the teachers have high expectations of you and you just see the disappointment and hurt behind their eyes when they see you slowly reach the breaking point, the point where you don’t give a fuck about anything and you pass your school day with your head on your desk or staring at nothing while self-harming with your own nails

    #depression#depression tw#self hatred#self harm#hurt #i've never felt as suicidal as now #suicide thoughts#tw suicide#suicide #i want to die #i'm just a disappointment #failure #i'm so useless
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  • Well I realized that by hating myself I hurt people I love and I never ever wanted that. But how in the world am I suppose to stop hating myself?

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