“Cover up with make up in the mirror….tell yourself it’s never gonna happen again….you cry alone…and then he swears he loves you….”
For a really long time,
when I would drive by my ex boyfriend,
I would have an anxiety attack.
I would not leave my apartment when we first broke up.
I was ALWAYS drunk.
I was scared.
When I first saw him I would drive by him a couple times and just stare at him.
I don’t know if he ever saw me.
I would black out.
Somehow make it home.
and not leave my apartment for days.
How could I have hated myself so much that I would continue to associate with someone who hit me?
I am smarter than that?
When did I start hating myself so much that I allowed someone else to treat me like that?
Well, I drove by him yesterday for the first time in months.
To be honest it made me sad.
I did not do anything to ever allow him to put his hands on me.
I do not feel anger anymore when I see him.
I don’t start to feel my whole body tense up.
I can breath and my heart doesn’t race.
I don’t feel like I am going to pass out.
My chest doesn’t tighten up anymore.
I don’t feel like I am going to throw up.
I don’t black out.
I still have nightmares but they’re better.
I don’t hold myself up in my apartment for days after I see him now.
I feel my feelings.
Who knows what will happen if I ever am face to face with him but just for right now I know..
….. I am healing.