#selfreflective Tumblr posts

  • Valentine’s Day


    Every since I was a little girl my mommy gave my sister and I gifts on valentine’s day. She always wanted to make sure we felt special and loved, especially on that day. She taught us the importance of not waiting for a significant other to make you feel special. Do things for yourself and your family, that always stucked with me. So every valentine’s day, single or not, I make it a habit to make sure I am doing something for me.


    This valentine’s day, I would love to be wrapped up in a special someone’s arms but im not. Instead I went to work were I was surprised with a performance from a comedian and motivational speaker. This helped me confirm some of my callings in life and reflect on my toxic controlling behaviors ( long story). I got out of work early, cooked a nice dinner, masturbated 2x, took a nap, went to the gym, and cleaned up. What an awesome valentine’s day.


    Here’s to self care days, reflecting, and romancing your damn self.

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    Originally posted by sbrown82

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  • Do you ever feel like you’ve grown so much as a human, overcome obstacles, expanded forgiveness, broadened understanding and acceptance, and yet feel like one action you do could set you back five steps. A temptation to control a scenario you might be in or a situation you’d like to change. Not anything bad, or tainted but a human moment of emotional weakness, a moment of too much forgiveness, understanding and acceptance. Ethically speaking there isn’t a scale that measures these things but ultimately a reflection of the type of person you want to be. Balance between a good scaled growth and a small hard hearted set back is really an inner confliction I have. Temptation is just as real as growth.

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  • Tentang Menangis

    Saya dulunya adalah orang yang sulit menangis.

    Saya bisa merasa sedih, marah, kecewa, bahagia, putus asa, dan lain sebagainya tapi saya sulit meneteskan air mata (kecuali pas nguap dan ngantuk banget). Beberapa kali menonton film sedih dengan teman-teman, yang lain pada sesenggukan saya berkaca-kaca saja sudah paling maksimal. Hingga pada suatu momen patah hati yang pada waktu itu terasa begitu dramatis seperti di drama Korea. Awalnya saya berusaha tegar tapi lama-lama saya justru merasa hampa sehingga pecahlah tangis saya setelah beberapa hari mati-matian saya bendung.

    Saya marah, kecewa, sedih, putus asa, merasa terbuang.

    Saya mengutuk, meratapi, menyesali, memaki. Tanpa suara. Karena saya melakukan di rumah dan tidak ingin membuat kehebohan.

    Saya butuh waktu lebih dari seminggu, dua minggu, atau mungkin lebih (maaf agak lupa) untuk menangis setiap harinya. Entah itu di kamar mandi, di kamar sebelum tidur, atau usai shalat, di jalan, atau saat rumah sepi. Waktu-waktu di mana saya sedang sendiri. Saya mengijinkan diri saya menangis sampai saya merasa lelah dan bosan. Intensitasnya lama kelamaan makin berkurang. Tidak begitu ingat berapa lama karena tidak saya catat, mungkin sekitar 2-3 bulan.

    Lama ya?

    Setelah itu ya masih nangis-nangis dengan banyak pergulatan batin. Saya masih belum bisa berdamai dengan realita. Dua tahun, kurang lebih, saya baru bisa menerima luka-luka. Saya banyak belajar. Mungkin cara saya tidak sepenuhnya benar. Tapi ada satu hal penting yang saya pelajari bahwa menangis itu tidak apa-apa.

    Kita kadangkala berjarak pada diri sendiri dengan mengabaikan hal-hal tidak menyenangkan. Padahal yang namanya hidup itu tidak selalu ada hal baik, peristiwa buruk juga terjadi. Tapi demi tetap ‘tampak baik-baik saja’ kita menolak rasa sakit, membenamkannya supaya tidak muncul ke permukaan. Berharap dia menjadi tumpul. Kenyataannya tidak, justru semakin ditekan semakin kuat dorongannya hingga pada suatu waktu meluber ke permukaan. Itulah yang menjadi momen puncaknya.

    Balik lagi ke persoalan menangis itu tidak apa-apa. Menangis itu harusnya justru disyukuri karena ada orang-orang yang sulit atau bahkan tidak bisa menangis. Orang yang sulit menangis saja sebenarnya tidak lapang perasaannya apalagi mereka yang tidak bisa menangis. Betapa menderitanya orang yang tidak bisa menangis, ada kehampaan yang setiap waktu melingkupinya. Dia sebenarnya merasa kesepian tapi tidak ada orang yang mengetahuinya. Dia butuh merasakan kehangatan tapi situasi tidak menawarkan.

    Menangislah selagi kamu bisa. Menangis itu sehat.

    Namun, berdasar pada, segala sesuatu yang berlebihan itu tidak baik. Begitupun menangis. Meskipun menangis itu boleh dan faktanya menyehatkan, jika berlebihan tentu jadi tidak baik juga. Berlebihan jika terlalu sering menangis membuatmu mengalami sejumlah kesulitan dalam melakukan aktivitas harian. Berlebihan jika menangis hampir selalu dijadikan senjata untuk memanipulasi situasi. Berlebihan jika menangis adalah satu-satunya solusi di setiap masalah tanpa ada usaha lebih untuk problem solving.

    Sesekali ambil jarak dari keriuhan dunia dan mendekatlah pada dirimu sendiri. Peluk dirimu. Sadari kebutuhan tubuhmu. Terima segala rasamu. Kosongkan wadah emosimu dan alirkan dengan penuh kelembutan. Ijinkan semua keluar begitu saja. Cukupkan jika sudah merasa cukup. Ulangi sesuai kebutuhan. Selamat mencoba!

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  • Have you ever attracted someone who you weren’t into and the main reason for why you even attracted them in the first place was because you didn’t love yourself? Like you don’t live your life the way you want to etc?

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  • My mind is a mess. My life is a mess. I push everybody away. I pull everybody so close that they push me away. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, abused, suicidal. I’ve been through some things. But nothing compares to what I do to myself.


    I convince myself I’m crazy. I never change. I ruin every chance at happiness that I stumble upon. I never work at anything so I’m always mediocore. And sometimes I just want to end it.


    Not really kill myself. Just not be here anymore. Because I honestly can’t handle my own head and the ghosts from my past that keep telling me I’m not worth anything.

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  • Because there’s something about you baby
    That makes me want to give it to you ….

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  • Hopefully, you got that one. I can no longer hope that most people are contemplative, #deepthinkers or #selfreflective —those things don’t serve a narrative of victimhood, powerlessness, or lack of accountability. Over the course of my life time I’ve been asked if I always say what I think. Answer: YEP. But, my delivery has been honed and shaped. I’ve been told that I’m off-putting. I’ve got wonder why some people haven’t realized, that was intentional. Not everyone is seeking your approval. I’ve also been asked if I care if people like me. Answer: No. See, I learned in my teenage years, MOST people don’t like THEMSELVES, so, I’m irrelevant with those odds. 😂 What’s important is everyday, I am someone I LIKE. I am someone I #LOVE and #RESPECT. One day— some people will realize, that sweetness is understanding the critical difference between being cake, regardless of any additives such as artificial icing, sprinkles and toppings. 😉

    #theconduitofhealing #deepthoughts #selflove #whatmattersmost #sacredrelationships #criticalthinking #ascension #starseed #enlightened #spiritualawareness
    https://www.instagram.com/p/B4DuZMCFfGv/?igshid=6huo5ac4pps0

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  • One of my children’s favourite books: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore. Because the #bestbooks have one thing in common - less is more. #editordie #bookeditor #williamjoyce #intratextualreference #selfreflective #fourthwall #fiction

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  • I’ve begun to see myself as a loner. 

    Today is Canada Day and all my friends have broken off into little groups to celebrate; I have been invited to these celebrations but have politely refused. I was content with cooking a nice meal and staying in with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, his work day has been significantly extended (as he works at a restaurant downtown which is very much overcrowded at this point). 

    I should be content. 
    I always want to spend time alone. I find the company of others draining and I often set limits when I do go out. As much as I crave my alone time, when I do get it - sometimes it can be too lonely. What a weird confliction - my brain must be so backward. 

    I haven’t actively tried to pursue my passions or hobbies, so perhaps I should force myself to engage. Finding that essential motivation is hard. 

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  • I haven’t had the energy to do much lately, although I’ve been trying to change that. Small things make me feel a little bit later, but I’m starting to lose words. I write things down to make sense of them, but the words start to lose sense. 

    I watched Howl’s Moving Castle the other day (which explains all the reblogs). The theme song is really lovely…

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  • @spectacularly-bored: I agree, it is a shame. With the financial mess so many countries are in, it will be even harder to justify the spending to those who oppose. 

    @selfreflective: 2150 is still pretty generous. :D That will be great progress.

    @olena: Interesting idea! That would be a good substitute if we are unable to leave. Significant advances in robotics, virtual reality, telepresence, and remote sensing can allow us to explore/experience beyond our normal reach.

    (Olena posted her answer here

    @jtem: I think we’ll get it before 2300, my guess is sometime in the 2200’s. The people that do take part in interstellar travel will probably be trans or post humans though — may have a hard time calling them ‘human’ — but whatever our descendants are, I think they’ll do it around that time.

    Thanks for the responses :) I’ll think of another one this weekend.

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  • Time is passing by and I still want things I cannot achieve. Its been the hardest year of my life personal failures that include my: first grown-up heartbreak, rejection from academia, dependence on my family and I can throw in a couple of more problems on top of that. Every one tells me it will get better, things will change, pray to God, be more determined and blah,blah, blah. Have I not been doing that already? I guess no one really knows how I feel about my time passing. And I can tell you why. I am empty with nothing to fill the void. Although I aspire to be a great individual, its nearly impossible regardless if I had everything. Having everything covers up the void but cannot fill it up. I am just existing at this point and I am not even sure what that means. But I do know I have alot of distractions in my life to prevent me from thinking about this.

    If I could live my life over again or more so the last five years I would not have gone to college. I would have learned different crafts maybe travel and then decided to pursue a highe education. Its funny because when I was younger I remember watching an episode of Everybody Hates Chris and the main character Chris Rock’s younger self saw his guidance counselor for some “mandatory help.” The scene played out like this, the guidance counselor told the character Chris do not go to college because its the right thing to do but go because you want to. At first, I though how could an adult give such bad advice. Fast forward a few years in my own life, I wish someone had the balls to tell me this same advice.

    I honestly do not regret going to college when I did (at the ripe age of 18). I just think college was a distraction for me. I am still trying to figure out if that is a good thing or bad thing. However, I know college made me hyper-aware of my surroundings and allowed me to stay stuck in my own head. Something I never did before. So what’s the verdict?

    I think I am utterly confused and not sure what my purpose in life is anymore. Sure, I still want to accomplish certain goals but like I said early on I do things to distract me. Distractions are not bad things but for me they balance me out. However, if I know what my distractions ar, can they still be classified as distractions. Then, I guess I need more distractions!!! Well, maybe not- I think feeling an empty is a legit feeling that needs more understanding.

    Have you ever felt that you could….. But have you ever felt… Again, this ever felt thing vary amongst individuals and its hard to pinpoint if my perspective or my feelings can be shared with another individual. I mean I guess I could die and then maybe find someone who can relate to me! JUST KIDDING… But seriously JUST KIDDING.

    Anywhoo, I think I just wanted to share my feeling in some way..

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