Remembering me
In a whirlwind of emotions the world never stops moving. My world may have paused for a moment but one day something just clicks. I realise that I don’t need someone to make me feel important, wanted, or needed.
I had to take a moment to remember a time before I knew what love was, before heartbreak. How I used to be. I used to be so charismatic and charming, I smiled all of the time. I would give you a look with just my eyes that would tell you everything you needed to know. I would tease you with a smirk and a swish of hips as I bounced away with the freedom of me. I loved me, all of me. I was at my happiest just shy of 16 and I was so confident and full of life.
Like a double edged sword I would welcome people into my life with trust and love but I could also cut you from my life with as much sting with my words and a stern glare.
I was sharp and witty, always so clever with my answers. I was smart and challenged the system in which I felt cheated. I had so much passion and ambitions to strive for. The future was in my grasp.
One fateful afternoon my world turned upside down, I lost everything in a matter of days. ‘May never walk again’ 'lifelong condition’ 'disabled’ 'so strong’ I hated it all. I hated myself I hated my body for betraying me just like everything else in my life. I was always cold, disconnected and unaffected by the harshness of the world because I was made that way, I was built for survival. Never accured to me that it would take me longer to learn to accept this new version of me.
Then I met a boy who plucked me from my self destruction and broke all of my walls down brick by brick. For one who never cried, I found myself highly emotional, only he got to see the vulnerability underneath the surface. He loved me, a stranger of who he only knew from the classroom who was happy. I couldn’t understand why he would willingly want a broken me when it was the whole me he really wanted. I did not love him. I was still independent and stubborn dispite my unfortunate events.
He was there when I was alone, he saved me, encouraged me to get back on my feet and so I did. I learned how to let someone in and depend on them in my time of need. It wasn’t long before I fell in love with him and meant the words 'I love you’. I said them before for months but I never meant it, until I did. Dependency is a dangerous game, instead of co-dependancy, I lost my independence and relied on him for everything for years, I forgot how to be on my own and to be my own person as I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend for him as I felt guilty that we couldn’t do normal relationship things.
I slowly got stronger and more confident in my abilities thankfully through my time at college. But I was held back by the foundations on which my first love and I built on, I didn’t allow myself to fully explore that independence, I continued to take advantage of his help, his car, and his time. He would belittle me, call me a child and distant himself from me. The one who fell in love first, fell out of love first, whereas I loved him so much I was blinded by my own need I forgot that he had needs too and didn’t see the signs of the incoming doom. Heartbreak was imminent.
I was terrified of being alone I couldn’t picture my life without him. I needed him so much I felt sick to my stomach. I was afraid of the future, of the unknown. I faught so hard to win him back and I did using our history and sex. I finally won and got what I wanted, but before too long we were engaged. Suddenly it was like an ice bucket of water shot down over my entire body and I realized this is not right. I learned a hard lesson that love is not everything, you can still care and love that person but be strong enough to let them go because you deserve better. We both did. I read somewhere that truly resonates us, 'he was a hurricane and she was a tornado, they just didn’t mix like the light wind and soft drizzle like they used too’
And now I’m in this strange limbo where I’m figuring myself out, what I want, my ambition, my independence. I hate being single but I need to be to rediscover this new chapter of my life and who I am now. I now realised that I need to love myself and be happy with myself and find a life partner who adds to my happiness not make me happy. I have grown up alot since my 16 year old self, but now at 21 I need to install a little bit of her alongside the other parts of me to become this strong, well rounded woman that I can be today.
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okay time for another one of these!! self positivity coming your way!! basically I have been/am self conscious of every part of my body, including hands and arms. so ima recognise them today uwu
I have tiny lil baby hands that can barely hold a regular sized iPhone in it but they’re also v soft and warm to hold!! my arms are chubby but also like v comfy to lay in apparently (friends can back this up) also my arms are full of faded scars but like idk it’s a story of my survival now;; either way, these are perfect cuddling/hand holding tools that ima use to my advantage soooooo!!! yeah!
if anyone wanna cuddle pls hmu im sad boy rn
1Either I’m overly confident and giving myself confidence or i’m bashing my brains out with roasts, normally in the same sentence.
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I was inspired from a TED talk video for this blog post. I was reminded that we are not our illnesses. We shouldn’t allow our disabilities to define us. I know it can be hard when we have so much against us in this life. The world isn’t always nice and of course the medical industry isn’t easy to deal with either. Yet we can’t allow others to limit us if we are not limiting ourselves. I realized saying I am disable was saying I’m limited. I don’t want to be limited and I have always thought of myself as limitless. So I was inspired to remind you that you are differently abled. Just because we have to use medical devices and equipment to get around doesn’t mean we are limited to a certain way of life. I know that I can do whatever I want! I may have to do it differently that I did before yet I am still doing and living my life the way I want to. Free and limitless! Keep fighting!!
Ana 🦓💪🏾💖
1The world tells you to lower your personal expectations.
What the world doesn’t realize is that it is the
sellout, the whore, the socialite.
The world has taken the easy way out, and to that I say
Raise your game.Your success is not measured by the world’s worth.
Your success is your success.It’s not going to be easy, this journey.
It’s going to be rough and ragged and trip you up and skin you down.
But if it saves your soul the struggle will be worth it in the end.Because what if, somewhere out in the world, someone else is watching?
Would you tell the child looking up to lower his/her expectations?
Would you tell that child not to dream?So the world will tell you to lower your personal expectations,
but I say no.
The world can lower its expectations about you and you
should dream. Just dream.
Please.
For the sake of the world. Dream.0My Self-Care Routine
Every morning, I wake up at the same time, using one of my favorite songs as my alarm. I begin by brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, and washing my face. Then, I do some housekeeping, like making my bed and lighting a candle.
I drink tea for breakfast and use this time to catch up on the news and check my emails. Afterwards, I get fully dressed and begin work.
I break at noon for lunch, and then I take a shorter break later in the afternoon for another cup of tea.
My evening routine varies depending on what is happening that day. Ideally, I will eat an early dinner, go for a walk, and shower. After my shower, I always brush my teeth and apply lotion. Since I have bangs, it is also important that I brush my hair while it is wet so that it dries in the proper direction.
I always feel like I am at my best when I follow this routine. Even if nothing else is going right, I can at least take pride in my personal care. 💕
0Pro recovery
Ok disclaimer hear me out my plz opinions are my own I am just here to give my input now that that’s out of the way
I may not know you but you are all special 😘 your perfect just the way you are I’ve fell into a deep hole of 5 year of self harm suicide and eating disorders I be been to 43 different hospitals for this I’ve been in the ICU 12 times it’s not fun this shit fucks you up it addictive I love you and want the best for you all I’ve had my share of shit of pro Ana and Mia that shit is sick please reblog if you fell the same
3When I look at you,
I don’t feel anger towards you.
What I feel is,
Simply,
Disappointment.
3Great advice for everyone but particularly for men who want to be the Loving Authority in their relationships
11Intention for accepting your darker nature
I will embrace my darkness and my darkest self in my magic. I will break things, smite enemies, overcome obstacles, and persevere through my use and acceptance of my darkest instincts. I will no longer resist my fear, sadness, or anger, as they are a natural part of me.
I will blend the light and dark sides of my self to truly find peace and acceptance. I will never again live in fear of my rage, but embrace it as a force to be used by me and for me. All of my emotional power will be tended to and fed until I am unstoppable. -sw
33Today.
Today I woke up but I didn’t wake up, anyone familiar with psychopharmacs knows that feeling of dumbness. I still practiced yoga today, focusing on the new asanas I’ve learnt from a book I’m studying. I still studied for an exam I’m preparing and I still exercised playing the ukulele, still chanted the mantras. All of a sudden I felt awake. It’s really important to keep up with the good stuff pursuing the goals we setted for ourselves. Sometimes the journey can be really tirening, difficult to get into, hard to be on track but I’m grateful. For my therapy, for learning things that I feel belonging to my soul, for finding myself back. That’s the most important thing in life never forget our true self. Regardless what the world taught us what really matters is to find that fire, that strength inside of us and carry on, even on the “no days” everything is still flowing it’s only matter of willingness.
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