today was very hard, but not in the way it usually is. food is always a struggle with me, but today was weird. i couldnt help but think “why are you eating this” and “after your fast, just wait” before eating. i “binged” - in quotes since it isn’t a real binge but hurts like it is - chips around 12 - 1 am, not because i was hungry, but because they were there. it festered in my mind so i didn’t sleep and stayed up and walked around my room for an hour and a half.
it was like when im out of it and not in the best headspace, hasn’t been as regular since school got out, where i wouldn’t think and would just be on autopilot and not really anywhere. im ashamed to say that i s*lf harmed for the first time in around a week and a few days. doesn’t sound like a lot, but it used to be every school day, in the morning to calm me down before the big bad would happen, around 7-21 times (i like multiples of 7).
i feel like such a failure. i shouldn’t of ate that cheesecake. i only ate it because my mom was telling me how skinny ive gotten and that i need to eat something other than pickles. she wanted me to eat a sandwich, with BREAD. BREAD! even before this whole thing started, I couldn’t eat bread because of the mouth feel, made me wanna scratch the inside of my mouth bloody. i usually like cheesecake, but it tasted gross and like defeat. I wanted to get rid of it but i didnt. im proud of that so i guess today wasn’t that bad. oh! also my weight went down. my scale sucks so it usually read a couple pounds heavier, but today it said 145 - 146. imma give it a few days before i update my header tho.
i originally wasnt gonna write about any of this and just make it happy since im ashamed of myself, but realized that this is my vent account and the people who see this will understand and probably have had days like this, probably worse. what we should both remember is that we can have bad days, we’re allowed to get upset and mess up. it will get better. it has to be. im rooting for us.
ANYWHORE, remember you are special, amazing, and a so so beautiful person who’s allowed to fuckup, but will come back from it and be better than ever. and fuck anybody who thinks otherwise. <3
fears. loose sin and stretch stretch marks i guess. though strech marks arent as bad as loose skin would would be. im also a bit afraid that after ill reach my ugw and eat normally ill gain it all back
i wanna lose weight so that shopping can be easier. i am doing it for myself but also because of the media. its inevitable. everything was made for skinny people.
no not really. i only did once and the food wasnt even that good so i regretted it. i have a lot of self control so.
i came out to my friend today that im probably a lesbian,,, since men scare me oop and im scared about it. she’s gay so she obviously wouldnt be a problem, but the ✨shit hole ™️✨ i live in is. my family is like 50/50, the only person i could talk about it to is my gay cousin and my sister, but still. everyone here is racist and homophobic, deadass, cut the cameras ✋🏽. the amount of people ive heard say they will disown/ab*se their kids if they were apart of the alphabet gang is ASTONISHING AND SCARY. that wouldnt happen to me but still. im already scared of people as it is, this would only add more flame to the fire.
i was gonna bring up chest binders and talk about getting one - if these bitches keep testing me imma cut em off, I just wanna look masculine 😔 - but got scared, which is SUPER stupid since she’s bigender (goes by she/he/they) and wouldnt care, but imma little tittybaby so yeah. being yourself is hard.
i fasted for 26 hours, the most for a long time so im happy wahhh!! my scale sucks and doesnt give exact measurement so its a guessing game :( i think im gonna stop weighin myself all the time and do it every couple of days or week, thats gonna be hard, wish me luck!!!! also ive been looking for cal diets, like short themed one because fun, and can’t find jack, if anyone has any, send me some :p
ANYWHORE, drink water and take care of yourselves, lovelies. just in case you forgot, you are wonderful, beautiful, so so important, and fuck anybody who thinks otherwise. <3
So I unfortunately couldn’t complete the fast today :( I woke up at 12 pm and showered at 5pm ( I didn’t eat anything at all) and after the shower I got an awful back pain and I got my period again and ended up eating to get energy. I felt better thankfully but I ate 600 calories :( this was officially the last day of my period cause on the last day whatever 🩸 is left just comes out and the next day it’s over so thank god. I will fast starting tomorrow 😁