Desdemona’s hero card, normal and maxed
(Fallout Shelter Online)
hi i hope everyone is well i am here to cry about forehead and undercut
so the update for Binding isn’t happening today bc my brain is complete mush after trying to aggressively finish my thesis yesterday and i decided to give my brain two days off bc of that. also, i promised @ashenwren some time to beta read the ending part (which they already did but! now i need some time with it myself) so i am leaving everybody to wait until saturday.
meanwhile, i am offering yall a sneak peek/first look at my heihua fic which is very loosely tied to my pingxie. basically, this is just me playing around with hei xiazi as a character and his and xiao hua’s dynamics more... tender side.
i know that @jockvillagersonly and ashen have already read this which has been amazing so thank you for your love ♥ but take this again ^^ also thanks to @cross-d-a for listening to me ramble about heihua and sharing this idea with me. and thank you to @i-am-just-a-kiddo who i’m doing all of this for ♥ you are the best parent-in-law for these two and this fandom!
It’s a bad week for him.
First, it’s the girl he finds while raiding a warehouse full of smuggled weapons and possibly, most likely, drugs. She’s maybe twelve, eyes wide and hair messy, bones poking her skin where Hei Xiazi can see her elbows flashing under her short sleeves. There are bruises around her wrists and burn marks on the inside of her arms. She doesn’t speak but she doesn’t have to, all of her screaming of experiences worthy of a hundred years instead of a dozen.
She presses her face into her hands when Hei Xiazi fires his gun, and he feels something come loose inside of him at the broken, aborted noise she makes that rings louder than the shot itself.
Hei Xiazi carries her kicking and screaming out of the warehouse, leaving behind the slowly ending gun fight and the smell of gasoline. She only goes silent once Hei Xiazi puts her down, flinching bodily away from him but not going far. She hovers, fingers slowly curling around the hem of his long jacket while they wait, shoulders hunching against the cold. Hei Xiazi offers her his jacket with a smile, buys her a sandwich which she then throws up, and helps her into a hospital once they’re safe to leave.
No one else stays behind with her. All the other people they found from that warehouse scattered as soon as the fight began and only she remained, lost in the thought of having to leave the premises that had become her world. She has no family, no house, no money. Hei Xiazi watches her leave with the social workers, bones of her wrists like twigs threatening to snap even after some proper meals and eyes so big they seem to swallow the light around her. She still hasn’t said a word. Hei Xiazi doubts she ever will.
Her pale face looks like a ghost as she turns to give Hei Xiazi one last glance over her shoulder, and that’s what she becomes to him once he goes home and puts that warehouse out of his mind. It’s hard and he feels himself haunted, and whatever it was that got loose in his chest rattles like the tail of a snake.
Then, he hears about Su Wan. Hears about the mission that went south with the three youngsters. Hears about Su Wan getting hurt.
It isn’t anything new in their line of business to get hurt, to even die. When he first met the boy in the desert, he predicted he would find him six feet under after only a day. There was too much softness in Su Wan, too much trust, too much naivete. He had a big brain and clever ideas but his core was gooey, leaking out in way too telling bursts, leaving nothing hidden.
Su Wan had reminded Hei Xiazi of young Wu Xie. Even his floundering with his knife had reminded him of Wu Xie. Even his adaptability had been annoyingly similar to Wu Xie’s, and Hei Xiazi had questioned his taste in students. At least the boy had paid better. At least the boy hadn’t been wishing to die.
He had not expected, after knowing all of that, to experience such fear when he first heard that Su Wan had gotten himself stabbed and had almost bled out in a cave, with only Li Cu and Yang Hao to look after himself and a saving bed of a hospital hours away. His hands had shook, making it impossible to hold anything while trying to breathe, and he had quickly been reminded of the little girl, torn open and going a bit feral just because she didn’t know what to do.
It was a surprisingly new thing to care. As surprising as the fact that he still knew of such things.
“I thought I had taught you better, kid,” he says as he goes to the hospital, in the middle of the night of all things, having to cover Su Wan’s mouth so that he doesn’t scream and wake up the better half of the city. The boy’s eyes are wide and heartbeat rapid under his fingers where he can feel it pulsing against Su Wan’s jaw. Then the boy is scrambling at his fingers to speak from between them. He pulls his hand away.
“Hei-ye!” the boy whispers fervently, like an anchor casted in water. “I thought you were out of the country!”
“I was until yesterday when I heard that you got stabbed,” he explains, voice leaning more towards mockery than any actual care. Su Wan knows what that means. The boy knows more than anyone else has ever known about a person like Hei Xiazi. It’s a strange thing but Hei Xiazi has come to almost like it.
“I’m fine!” the boy chirps, lighting up like a lightbulb. Hei Xiazi helps him sit in his bed, snatching a chair for himself from the corner, and then evaluates the damage. Su Wan is smiling while a thick roll of bandages circle his stomach. There are at least thirty stitches there, curving along his side. Some more adorn his bicep where he tried to evade another blade. A darkening bruise is making his cheek swell, casting an extra shadow under his chin.
Hei Xiazi sighs and closes his eyes when Su Wan starts to tell the story, his voice a soft whisper made even softer with lingering sleep. The beep of the machines tell Hei Xiazi the boy is alive. The painful thrum of his own heart tells him he’s alive too.
Su Wan falls asleep holding onto Hei Xiazi’s sleeve. He cannot remember how the boy got the leather between his fingers but prying his hold away is like bending steel. It feels impossible and burns equal amounts.
Finally, he slips back into the cold night.
He doesn’t go to his apartment, the one he’s currently occupying, his few belongings strewn across the floor and nothing making the place feel like his. Even after years and years and years, some part of him still feels sick at the thought of emptiness. He’s tried his hardest to carve his bones empty and chest clean but after each year spent alone or with someone or wanting, he realizes it’s a battle he cannot win. There’s something terribly strong under his ribs. It refuses to die even before his curse of immortality and the knowledge that goes beyond his comprehension. It refuses to die even when facing the cold, cruel world.
The walls surrounding the Xie Manor are high but not high enough to keep him at bay. If they were, he would’ve never come here. He would’ve never returned, not after he once left.
Climbing up the wall of the manor to the third floor makes his lungs burn, but then he’s pushing the window open already, stepping silently onto the polished floor.
“Xiazi,” a familiar voice says, not even pretending to sound sleepy. “It’s three in the morning. Is it really a suitable time to be visiting the head of Xie family?”
Hei Xiazi smiles, shrugging off his leather jacket and placing it onto the back of a chair beside him. The air in the room feels chilly with the window open but he likes to hear the noises from outside and he likes the line of silver painted onto the floor and across the luxurious double bed. He likes that he can pretend his vision is so clear just because of the moon.
“Hua’er-ye,” he says back, voice like honey because he loves to tease this man and loves how the tone makes his perfect eyebrows pinch. “Are you sure this isn’t a dream?”
“I would dream you naked at least, not dripping mud all over my floors.”
“As you wish,” he says and reaches for his own belt before moving closer to the bed, toeing his shoes off on the first two steps.
Xie Yuchen is warm but firm when Hei Xiazi meets his body, crashing into his lips and then slipping hands down his silk covered spine. He hums, hiding his laugh. He’s always loved the absolute brilliance and practicality and strength of this man but under all that, Xie Yuchen is a little spoiled. A rich family head. A powerful man with more money than Hei Xiazi could possibly imagine. He’s never tried, not really caring. For all his acting, he’s never gone for Xie Yuchen for his money.
He takes care of helping Xie Yuchen out of his expensive pajamas, kissing him wet and shivering after each uncovered piece of skin. There is something beautiful about Xie Yuchen in the stark light of the moon, eyes burning bright and the line of his throat like an invitation. Hei Xiazi wishes he could tell him that, sometimes, but he’s preferred to seal his lips. His poetry would not suit the ears of Xie Yuchen.
He’s never been one for pretty words, crude and almost barbaric instead, tongue made out of barbwire and mind of a strategic plan. Between them, all those edges exist in harmony, and so he’s never felt the need for anything more, enjoying the simplicity of just being.
Ironically, as the sun is already rising, coloring the horizon with its colorless light, he still descends into words. It’s like something is pulling them out of his chest, and when there’s a force outside of his control beneath his ribs, he cannot do anything but unravel upon Xie Yuchen’s white satin sheets.
“There was this girl,” he says, looking into the still remaining dark – or as dark as anything can be for his eyes, that comfort taken from him ages ago. “I saved her from a warehouse a couple of days ago. She didn’t speak, couldn’t eat because she’d been kept hungry for so long. There were burn marks on her arms, probably from cigarettes or a lighter. They told me she was thirteen. She didn’t look like she was thirteen.”
Xie Yuchen’s hands are on his back, brushing lightly against his shoulder blades, drawing something there. His heartbeat is steady under Hei Xiazi’s cheek and his skin burns, burns, burns. He remembers how he had looked at that girl in the eyes and seen himself there.
“I remember,” he says quietly, closing his eyes, “feeling the same burn on my skin. I have no memories of when or why but I know there were cigarettes. I know her pain. I know the scars.”
“Were you a child back then?” Xie Yuchen asks, his body a strong, sturdy thing against him. A rock. A mountain. He never thought he would feel lost in this world but there is something about himself in every child he’s ever saved, in all of their wide, fearful eyes, in all of their screams, their desperate fight, their bared teeth and messy heads of hair. There’s something about him in all of their thrumming, wild panic, like a bird under their skin; in their desperation to get away, to find a place to belong, to find safety and food and trust. To heal a body that has not been their own or has felt like an enemy or a liability or a curse.
He cannot remember the time he was a child, cannot remember the time before he went blind and began to see too much, cannot remember being anything but this eternal man on the outskirts of the world. He cannot remember ever having a family or feeling the absence of it.
But then, there’s this echo in his mind. It rings back from the eyes of every child he’s ever tried to help. He thinks, maybe, he still knows how he lost.
“I only remember being burned,” he says. “I only remember the pain and being afraid. And isn’t that a stupid thing to remember when it could be so many things?” He laughs, as much as it can be a laugh when something twists inside of his chest, bringing tightly together that something that was let loose. He chokes on it, feeling his voice die down. Xie Yuchen turns beside him so that they both lie on their sides, looking at each other. The line of the moon falls over Xie Yuchen’s hips and almost lands on Hei Xiazi’s waiting hand.
“Bad things linger,” Xie Yuchen says with a certainty of a man who knows this to be true. During the years, Hei Xiazi has learned a couple of the bad things that happened to this proud man. “But you are turning them into something good.”
“And how much does it change to save a couple of children?” he huffs, tired of the heart that cannot leave him at peace.
“For them, everything.”
@birdcvged | @taleofwomen | @ofwindsweptpines | the psd is by the wonderful @theshebb the template can be found (Here)
Time for yandere aesthetics for the sake of it.
'stop homebrewing d&d to do things it's not designed to do when there are games out there that do what you want' is a p good rule in general
but also like. hey mcelroys?
I think any sane persons would be terrified if their mother could kill them with a single touch
( lovely mc belongs to @spencerkeg )
Lovely Writer Episode 11 - analysis
I'm still not quite over yesterday's episode and I have a lot of thoughts about it, so I just need to get it out of my system and write yet another analysis because I'm so much invested.
I saw some people saying this week's episode was the weakest of them all and I can only disagree because in my opinion, Lovely Writer gets better week after week. The weakest episode so far was the first one. The truth about Nubsib is revealed pretty slowly and you can only see the entire picture after ep 7 or something and I believe this is very well done. First, Lovely Writer is about Nubsib and who he is and this show thankfully doesn't get boring as soon as we get to know everything. Then, another conflict steps up and they deal with he angst of them coming out to, not only their parents, but basically the whole world. It's just a very interesting and clever storywriting because it feels like the creators of this show know what they are talking about.
Just because I've seen a post about the dinner Gene has with his friends in ep 4, I'm gonna talk about how his sexuality is handled here and how much he grows with it. Gene never has a real conflict with his sexuality, at least it never seems that way. He has his moments with Nubsib and when they kiss, he likes it a lot but it's never a topic here. He never says "I'm gay" but you can feel that he's not uncomfortable because Nubsib is a man but because Nubsib is invading his personal space. When Gene has dinner with his friends, they ask him more than once if he is gay or not. This whole scene was just very awkward and Gene doesn't really give them an answer. He doesn't deny it but he doesn't clarify it either. It's just a vibe we're getting that he's sure he's not straight. But this is an unspoken truth and I believe, he is not ready to clarify it yet because he doesn't want to say anything about it if he's not 100% sure.
Later in the show, Gene clarifies his sexuality alongside his sort of love confession when he shouts at his father. This is extremely powerful because Gene waits until he's really in love with someone until he says anything about it. Like him falling for a man was his verification. And after he said it and stood up for it, he's a lot more relaxed and self-confident. He never denies it, even when his father first looks like he's not approving the relationship, because that's who he is. That is his identity.
Them vs the outside
It's something I've already addressed in my other analyses, but this devide returns every single episode. The first 20mins of this episode, we get cute SibGene scenes in Nubsib's apartment and it's basically them just being happy boyfriends. But then, Hin calls and they talk. The fairytale is over, the real world is back and it's again nothing positive. As soon as the outside invades their lives again, the amount of couple moments stops and things are more serious now. Here, the problem grows slowly until it's huge and over these, I guess, 70mins, every argument and point of view is presented to then draw a big picture of the whole conflict itself and the tough decision they have to make. First, we have Gene not worrying, then him saying their love is between two people only, then Bua saying others rely on this and then Tum's sister saying Fans are going wild. It's a lot to take and right before the big blow, we get a scene of Gene and Nubsib just holding each other. They still haven't seen the entirety of this problem.
They feel sort of untouchable now that they have promised each other grand things and all that. They overcame the fight with the parents and bonded even more over it, so nothing could come between them. That's why we don't get their reactions to the Tweets, because they feel invincible and don't really worry about it. It is a sign of their seriousness and belief that they are strong together.
This episode started with their "love being between two people" and ended with their "love breaking beause of other people".
Love vs reputation
This brings me to this section of my analysis. The problem with this conflict is that there is no right solution and I still don't know what I would've done. Nubsib doesn't care about others and Gene does. It's a dilemma with no right or wrong. Both sides are understandable. The problem is that they both misunderstand each other. Gene thinks Nubsib is selfish and Nubsib thinks Gene only cares about others. Right now, they can't have both: love and the others. It's either one of them and both options mean a great sacrifice.
Repuation means a lot in the show business and even though Nubsib doesn't seem to care about it, it's very important and what the film industry relies on. His love for Gene causes the whole production to collapse and backfire because "SibAoey is not true". Their real love feels like a crime because it could mean the end for a few people (talking about Tum). So, it's love vs reputation, truth vs lie and them vs the outside.
In the end, Gene doesn't want to cause even more damage. He choses to damage two lives in order to keep hundreds save and I totally get where he is coming from but he's sacrificing his happiness. Nubsib was his redemption. A door to love and the end of loneliness. Now, Gene is back where he was and even more closeted now.
But his decision is very in character because he has proven before that he has his shell he's crawling into whenever things get too tense. He shuts the world and everyone else out in order to be alone in his head. So, he even pushes Nubsib away even though Nubsib showed him a happy life outside of that shell which is why Gene porbably feels really depressed living alone. If you once get to see, taste and feel happiness, you can't just let go and forget it.
This protection of what's very dear to them got puched in the face during the tough meeting. There's a lot of pressure and they have to decide what to do. They have no time to discuss and come to an agreement. People want answers right now, so each of them doesn't know what to do and just seeks understanding in each other's face. Nubsib and Gene don't sit next to each other to make the decision together, unlike the coming out to the parents when Nubsib took Gene's hand. This time, they look at each other with a look of horror and that's simply all they can do. They can't hold hands to reasure each other they will endure this no matter what. What this show always showed is that Gene and Nubsib are strong together. They might act tough sometimes but they are both weak in a way that they need each other, that they need to lean onto each other. But that's not possible here and this protection of the fairytale no longer exists and is no longer possible. They can't protect their hearts right now and don't even have a chance. It feels like a metaphor to predict what is about to come. "A heart ripped in two" or "two hands ripped apart".
As I already said, Gene and Nubsib live in their fairytale and up until now we only thought, Nubsib is the only one who would do everything to protect it and prevent the outside from stepping in, and people still think that. But guys, don't forget that Gene knew about the Twitter thing as well the whole time. He also didn't address the issue. He also wanted to protect this faitytale and happiness.
I still can't tell who Nubsib is. I feel we're lacking of information about him. Does he have any hobbies? Does he have at least one friend? Does he have a life apart from Gene? I feel like I'm watching Twilight. When Gene was driving back to his apartment and left Nubsib on the bed, I got really excited for a second we would finally see what he does in his alonetime but no, they cut to Gene and Hin's talk.
But really guys, what does Nubsib do when he's alone? Gene seems to be his hobby, his friend, his life...talking about toxicness here. And Gene still doesn't see it...
Well, what should I say? I have no sympathy or pity left for him. I already analyzed his behavior this episode here and don't want to repeat myself.
This episode, again, contained a lot of angst, tension and uncomfort. Things were crashing down again and I just have to shout out to the actors and director and all of them. The scene of the break-up had me crying for 10mins and when Nubsib said "don't cry", I broke. Honestly. This made everything even more bittersweet and painful because you can feel the love they have and Nubsib still cares a lot, so he tries to comfort Gene but Gene pushes him away. It is an act of desperation. Nubsib doesn't want Gene to leave and tries to make it better but in the end Gene has made his decision.
But, but, but, what is going on with Tiffy? Why is she mistrusting Tum so much and pushes him away again? And why the hell doesn't she say anything to Aoey and believes his mindgames? Does she know something I don't? Can she tell what's real and what isn't? Because I can't and I'm usually good at reading people. And where is Mhok? Did Aoey scare him away? Did he just give up? So many questions and no answers.
I'm excited for next week!
u ever accidentally say hi to someone in public but theyre actually not who you thought they were in fact theyre a total stranger and you just. jus
Made some scribbles during school yesterday and wanted to share them with everyone.
First we’ve got Spam®.
Next up is Goog.
And lastly, my personal favorite, Bo.
Lovely Writer ep 11: The one with the PAIN and the TEARS and the AGONY and the breaking over EVERYONE. There are very few characters I did not feel some empathy for in this episode... though there were some, yes, definitely.
But, oh, the pain of the penultimate episode. And this one was MASTERFUL.