vegan for the animals 🐷 sober for my brain
vegan for the animals 🐷 sober for my brain
Good morning #Sober
I don’t send my selfies to anyone. I don’t know why I take them even.
I am struggling with recognizing myself.
What even can I say.
W h a t e v e r .
#Sober live on Audio,
Oh it was a beautiful morning ♥️🤙😊☀️
“Don’t look back. You can never look back!”
It’s weird now how much I used to hate mornings. I woke so mad at the world. Or maybe mad I woke up. Angry at still being alive.
These days, most days, I wake up content. A state of peaceful happiness. My dog chews a bone. My cat cleans his fur with a soft pur. I drink my latte. I meditate and thank a god somewhere for keeping me sober.
On the days I’m lonely, I miss him. The days I am at peace, I miss someone I have yet to meet. Someone who will love my bed full of animals and my almond milk latte.
The tiara gives me Princess Protection Program vibes
active addiction vs 9 months completely sober
from hopeless junkie surviving on a diet of meth, Gatorade, and sugar free gum
to a hopeful mommy to be with something worth living for
we can and do recover. if you are struggling, please do not hesitate to reach out. we need each other to get through this. we cannot do it alone.
responded to my former therapist’s email about ‘this is what’s best’ explaining the specific reasons why i feel like my individual situation doesn’t lend itself well to sober living (see prior text post) and she was like “sorry it’s not great, but you said you’d give it 30 days, and you’re almost halfway there so try harder to connect with the other women and fulfill your commitment”
ugh. but whyy. do i really have to listen to her?
i know i don’t, but my parents said they 'will support your recovery, not your alcoholism’ and i fear that they will no longer talk to me/support my recovery if i choose to 'defy’ the 'clinical recommendation’
it’s been 10 days…20 more seems like an eternityy
I’m not too sure what’s brought me here - I suppose I’m looking for some kind of release.
I am overwhelmed with the mundanity of life and the isolation that this pandemic has inflicted on all of us in Recovery.
I spent 6 weeks last year in a Rehabilitation Facility to treat my alcohol and cocaine addiction.
It was here I was taught the fundamentals of how to lead a life free of drugs, how to deal with my trauma and how to cope in a world that I couldn’t make sense of.
I’m approaching my 11 month of being clean and I am still struggling to make sense of this life.
I have frequent bouts of existentialism, that often result in the statement that I started this post with, Why am I here?
I’m fortunate enough to reel off enough reasons for living, yet i’m unable to ascertain my purpose; I feel so broken still.
Recovery can be so conflicting, it forces you to feel your emotions, confront your actions and accept yourself.
Which can be devastating when you’re trying to decipher who you are and who you want to be.
For a time I felt that if I waited long enough maybe everyone would forget; maybe I would forget.
Shame and guilt linger.
This may be part of my process in taking accountability.
A word, I know that even the addicts with numbers of years of clean time under their belt still struggle with.
Accountability? I certainly couldn’t fathom it in early recovery.
It was the worlds fault. Not mine.
It’s now my opinion, that accountability is what distinguishes us from active addicts to addicts in recovery.
And thank GOD for recovery.
My newest #idea : #goal kind of want it to happen asap… I have a lot of #dreams and #todolists but last year my mom made some wonderful changes, it wasn’t easy but she did baby steps to be a healthier person, the sad truth is that she even said “don’t tell my family I’ve sobered up” now to me that sounds wild, what do you mean don’t tell these people who supposedly #love you that you’ve made #positivechanges ? Yet I have learned some people fake it… they pretend they #havelove but they do not, and others can be like a leech if you even mention the word #sobriety they want to take your time, #timeisprecious , and just ask question after question without paying you like they’d pay a therapist yet they want to speak with you like one…. now I keep it #sober but I smoke cigs and drink coffee so I can’t really judge others… but my Mom is kind of stuck in a small town around people she cannot even speak about #positivity and #bethechange …. some #irony is that my best abstract #art print photographs in my opinion are all unreleased sitting on memory drives. Some real #goodart that as I was just browsing the photos months ago I said to myself “these are dang gallery print photos” and I have enough #roses between now 4 storage units to fill a few shops…. don’t let me forget people if somehow things bounce financially I need to offer full benefits for at least one employee and get my mom out of cold small town she’s in, and have her be the register CEO and shop manager of a lot of #handmaderoses . She’s been there at times and though I don’t like to mention the subject much I keep it #sober no drugs no booze and I do know from experience if you decide to do that, life may become a bit more stressful and more work, I do try and support others whatever they decide yet I disconnected from a lot of people when I made the journey…. and it can be hard to say goodbye to people we love but if they’re not pulling you up they’re pulling you down…. and that is that. The better question how to make the goal happen sooner than later.
another sober living ‘complaint’
i was literally kicked out of the kitchen in the middle of making dinner because the house manager was doing an intake. she said “can you give us some privacy here?”
a.) no one told me i wasn’t supposed to be present during an intake
b.) i have to make dinner because i have to eat because i have a fucking eating disorder (not sure she knows/understands all that; no one eats regularly here or cooks)
c.) it’s 6pm, we’re going to an AA meeting as a house at 7 so…
d.) i went back downstairs (to turn off the oven & stove) after i heard her go over the new client’s history and progressed to house rules (ie no personal info) and again she asked me to leave. mk sorry i’m trying not to burn down the house?
e.) she [the house manager] was also complaining that no one told her we were getting an intake today, but i definitely remember someone mentioning it during the sunday house meeting
ughh. THIS. IS. NOT. WORKING.
i emailed my therapist from rehab to ask her opinion on sober living (ie i don’t feel like i’m getting any benefit from being here)
and she pretty much [keeps] saying “that’s what most people do and that’s what gives people the highest chance of success”
…yes, but why? and are those things applicable to me/my situation? i feel like she was saying similar things about standard of care prior to my discharge, and i understand that she’s young/relatively new in this field but just because something works for other people doesn’t mean it’s right for me…(?)
i really don’t think i’m trying to make excuses/rationalize but i need an expert opinion here…
Guys am sorry for all the Daft Punk content I’ve been reblogging but-
They’re truly the first electronic music I got into back in the 2000s! I remember watching their animated videos on old school Toonami back in 2002-2003. I think even before that when MTV actually played music! They’ve always been part of my early life when getting into anime and videogames.
A huge part of my childhood was listing to Daft Punk and going into other worlds in my head because of their music. Whatever they do now in life I hope Guy and Tom keep being amazing artists and keeping doing it right.
And you know what- when I was a very unhealthy person and doing bad substances, Daft Punk always brought me to a happy and safe place. Never any harsh vibes and they really made me feel the music. Now being clean for the past 4 years I can still listen to their music and still feel what they gave me. Nothing but positive feelings from their art.
Thank you Daft Punk for being part of my life and being my Superheroes✨💜🎹🎶💙🎧💿🖥