#sober Tumblr posts

You have to understand the amount of pain someone has to be in
To pick up heroin again and again
After I told my friends I wouldn’t and after you watched me flush my drugs
Because we knew it was taking over
But you have to understand that I don’t really care anymore
Ever since you left and said you moved on and no longer had feelings for me
And how the sex was still here because you said you were still attracted to me physically, but you’re not attracted to making love to me anymore
You have to understand how much that kills someone inside
I miss your company and I miss us
But there hasn’t been an “us” in years
Just me laying down naked as I fight back tears every time when I feel you inside me and look into your beautiful eyes
That’s why I went back to my drugs:
They won’t destroy me nearly as much as you destroyed my hope for love

i wonder what life would be like if i wasn’t an addict

Heaven I found it
Everyone says it’s bad for me
Really though I feel more productive
On these opiates and
In a state of contentment
Never felt in sobriety

Gotta say, I’m really kinda obsessed with the sober app. It genuinely helped me out so much today. I got offered a brand new job / promotion, and despite telling myself I wanted to quit for lent, it was SO HARD not to go buy something to celebrate (and it would’ve been deserved!). But my brain loves numbers and it’s so cool seeing the timer click up. Highly recommend for anyone trying to stay sober, whether it be from alcohol, drugs, or whatever else

Our actions are what must act as attraction to the newcomer. But ultimately we have no real power over their desires. We can go about our recovery in the same way that has kept us sober and hope that something we do or say is relatable to them. We mustn’t speak in absolutes. For then we sound like trump, or a big book thumper, dogmatic, very few things will scare away a newcomer as quickly. I must remember that what works for me is not a universal truth. I’ve met those who recover through spite, or at least enough time through spite to really get sober. Humility keeps my opinions from staying “I” and “believe” statements, instead of “you” and “have to” statements. I language was introduce to me by Dr. Ernie Williams, philosophy professor at Saint Leo. Who knew how much it would benefit me in my recovery. I will let the thumpers thump and then I will share my experience and hope one of us made a connection to the newcomer. I am not very courageous for myself, but if I remember that something in my experience may save a newcomers life, that is much easier to be courageous for.

50 days clean from all substances

My emotions are prominent and at times, debilitating. This is around the time I pick up drugs to deal with the anxiety that plagues my soul at every waking moment of every single moment of every single day. I don’t know how to go through my feelings, so I usually go around them. I want this time to be different.

As uncomfortable as the flashbacks are, I want to learn how to live with them. As uncomfortable as my racing heart pounds, I want to learn how to take a deep breath and calm myself. As loud as the voice in my head shouts, I want to learn how to talk back; learn how to hush the voice that tells me I am nothing.

I’ve never been clean past 90 days. I’ve never done this without marijuana, either. I’ve never done this on my own, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I CANNOT fight this on my own. I have a therapist. I’m graduating phase 1 of the Kaiser program in 3 days. I’m progressing in outpatient treatment and I feel so fucking proud.

This shit isn’t easy and I always forget to give myself credit. I tend to put myself down. I tell myself that I’m a fuck up and that I’m worth nothing. I tell myself I can never be truly sober. But guess what? I’m doing it. I started this journey 2 fucking years ago and I’m STILL doing it. I’m still trying.

I’ll never stop trying. I can promise you that.

some melodrama posters i made for an assigment at university. couldn’t do Sober II, Writer in the Dark, Supercut & Liability (Reprise) though.

if you wanna buy them and actually hang them up in your rooms, here’s my redbubble page.

Sharing this on tumblr in hopes of support.. today makes a week that I have stayed sober. ❤️❤️❤️

Nearly 3 years alcohol free and you know it doesn’t feel like a terrible thing.

Has anyone done this yet?

She don’t really miss me

It ain’t her I’m talkin’ to

She don’t wanna kiss me

But that’s what whiskey makes her do

In the mornin’ she’ll be sober

She’ll remember that its over

Right now I’m what she thinks she needs

She don’t really miss me

I hate it every time she leaves

But I love the way she feels in my arms

Should I pick it up or just let it ring?

Guess one more time can’t do much crime

-Joe Bryson

Do not fall asleep . Bodily Exercise profits a little , not much. If you focus on so much on your physical health but your heart is full of hatred , pride , lust ..How healthy are you? Cleanse the inside first!

(***i just woke up from a nap…I haven’t listened to a lot of music tonight, because someone with demon possession took my hand last night at a rite-aid and I’m too sensitive to

Not take that in ((that’s another story but I don’t have

Time for that right

Now..my mother says with

The virus, we have to be super careful with touch, and i don’t disagree)), and so today I’ve had a

Lot to move through. I played a lot

Of reiki music to calm down my nervous system while I slept (the playlist is called sei he ki, if you’re interested in hearing it; the first song was played for me as an introduction into meditation with alan watts, who they’re trying to…oh i guess he’s trying to come through, because

My

Legs and back just started buzzing hardcore, which is how A Presence shows itself…)

Anyway I went to

Hit shuffle and this started to play.

It has played a lot lot lot but I always thought

It was about needing to get sober, as Dec 30 2017- to dec 29th 2019 was the worst drug addiction of my life ((which I was

Led into by a spirit pretending to be my niece, which I documented on video for the one I call braintwin,

More on that later)).

I had never looked at the words before. As I did, my nervous system started to scream (sounds dramatic,

But that’s the right word. )

Here We Go. Cut and paste the lyrics at 4:44…..

Night, midnight

Lose my mind

Night, midnight

Lose my mind

Night, midnight

Lose my mind

(This

Is where the psychological/psychic terrorizing started. Do you get that? This was

Month 1 out of…..43 they are saying. Well, we’re in month 39, so

It must have started earlier than that. May 2016. That makes sense. That’s when Jakk and I had our last anniversary together, and then I never really saw

Him again. Except

For a “moment” on the street that ended us,

And a night in july 2017 where he came

To get his belongings.

He looked like Hell. )

Night, midnight

Oh god, I’m clean out of air in my lungs

It’s all gone

Played it so nonchalant

It’s time we danced with the truth

(***so,

I danced for

The pictures pretty much regularly. Danced and sang. At one point I was given a

List of ways the tarot reader had been cursing

My life for a long time, and somehow I was shown that I was meant to be a teenage singing sensation. Did

She have anything to do with that? Not sure. But I know I wanted to be a singer long before I saw myself as a movie star.

My niece was close to God in a way that was deeply missing in my life til I was forced out of desperation to start relying

On him in the beginning of 2017. And the characters involved used Him, too. I have recorded convos where He was supposedly giving me counsel.

Let’s just say I know the difference now. )

Move along with the truth

Ooh (hey)

We’re sleeping through all the days

I’m acting like I don’t see(these lines are about

My drug addiction )

Every ribbon you used to tie yourself to me

(As

Uncomfortable as it is to show my less ideal side,

These are the “ribbons” that were used to psychically control me. I was constantly tortured about blondrichclosetwitch being pregnant,

Or that Jakk and I were getting married under the tree in September 2017,…or

Who caused my

Accident. When that was shown

To me in December 2016, taunted with

It really, i almost had to go to a

Hospital: and yes, I have that on tape.)

But my hips have missed your hips

So let’s get to know the kicks

Will you sway with me?

Go astray with me? (aha)

King and Queen of the weekend

Ain’t a pill that could touch our rush

But what will we do when we’re sober?

Ah, when you dream with the fever

Bet you wish you could touch our rush

But what will we do when we’re sober?

These are the games of the weekend

We pretend that we just don’t care

But we care (but what will we do when we’re sober?)

Ah, when you dream with the fever

Bet you wish you could touch our rush

But what will we do when we’re sober?

Oh God, I’m closing my teeth

( spirits definitely want me

To talk

About what happened to my teeth

First; one

Of

My two front teeth got massively chipped from being hit by a car.

But then, I started using the pendulum august

Of 2016

Day and night,

Until I could feel a pendulum moving. First it was in my

Chest/stomach, then it was my sex ((that just went away,

But I had

To throw

Out

My vibrator for that to happen)), and then

My

Mouth started to

Move

In a circular motion; especially during the night. At one point, I could barely open my jaw.

I started waking

Up with

Blood in my mouth from clenching down my teeth from the psychic attacks I would get in the night. It lasted about a year. I

I rarely wake up with

Blood now.)

Around this liquor-wet lime

Night, lose my mind

I know you’re feeling it too

Can we keep up with the ruse?

Ah ah (hey)

B-bodies all through my house

I know this story by heart

(So, blood was put

On my

Wall hanging, my walls, and my

Bed. Feathers were left in

My apartment. I’m still finding places they left scratches and burn marks. The letter T was left in scratches, markings and rose petals. I still haven’t found them all

I’m guessing.)

Jack and Jill got fucked up and possessive

When they get dark

((This is a reference

To how they had dominion over me(maybe us, spirits say us) when we would have sexual thoughts of each other. I was told for months that I needed to “have sex” whenever “psychic Jakk” asked

For it to help

Him not

Go crazy. So,

That was a nightly practice, though he would request

It

Often

In

THe daytime. )

But my hips have missed your hips

So let’s get to know the kicks

Will you sway with me?

Go astray with me? (aha)

King and Queen of the weekend

Ain’t a pill that could touch our rush

But what will we do when we’re sober?

Ah, when you dream with the fever

Bet you wish you could touch our rush

But what will we do when we’re sober?

These are the games of the weekend

We pretend that we just don’t care

But we care (but what will we do when we’re sober?)

Ah, when you dream with the fever

(Many

Times I dreamed

Of blond. I messaged her a few

Times because it was confusing as to whether she loved me or hated me.

Imagine a dream of being in her house and her giving me

Books,

But me only wanting

To know her

Thoughts, and then

Finding this the next

Morning. Spirits want me

To tell you there is something with her health. For many many months I thought

It was me who had the medical affliction, because we were so

Psychically bound. It was the first thing a spiritualist told me when I called her,

Hysterical after I got led to a physical location where a small tree

Got run over by a rentable car. She told me that tree took a hit

For me, and that what she was doing to me was karmically affecting her. )

Bet you wish you could touch our rush

But what will we do when we’re sober?

Midnight, we’re fading

‘Til daylight, we’re jaded

We know that it’s over

In the morning, you’ll be dancing with all the heartache

And the treason, the fantasies of leaving

But we know that, when it’s over

In the morning, you’ll be dancing with us

Oh, dancing with us

Oh, (but what will we do when we’re sober?) you’ll be dancing with us

(Can you feel it, can you, can you feel it)

Dancing with us, us

But what will we do when we’re sober? Us

When you get to my high (midnight, lose my mind)

When you get to my (midnight, lose my mind)

From our G&H are for Grumbly Hateful or Humbly Grateful episode. Gratitude is everything. It is not always an easy choice for anyone let alone an alcoholic but it helps in setting the mind right. Finding perspective and just being happy. Thanks for listening.
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#aisforalcoholic #soberiety #sober #soberlife #soberaf #recovery #recoverywin #soberliving #sobermovement #recovery #recoverinalcoholic #recoveryispossible #recoveryisworthit #recoverywarrior #odaat #podcast #podcasts #podcasting #easydoesit #lifeonlifesterms #cunningbafflingpowerful #grateful #gratefulalcoholic #cleanandsober #2020 (at Sonoma Valley)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8_5Zsngpft/?igshid=1jlp3xm6c7ebi

Ohhh I just thought, Ronen mentioned in an IG story a few weeks ago how episode 8 was ‘the most fulfilling storyline he’s ever done’ and it’s got me thinking, what if TK gets shot but it’s not too major, then its more about him either being given pain meds by mistake, detoxing all over again, or him trying to fight the need for them, forcing him to explain to everyone about his past?!?

Edit: Omg and the ep is called Monsters Inside, I think I cracked it guys!!!

🤞 we get some Tarlos action of him rescuing him and/or helping him resist the pills

this job is a toxic swamp and I hate being here.  Coming here today felt like betraying myself.  I feel like I am just finding a new, socially acceptable way to hurt myself, by continuing to work here (just like I did when I was drinking, when it felt like that was an okay way to punish myself/that was what I deserved.)  simultaneously I don’t feel like I can leave until June when the school year ends.  

Sitting at my desk tearing up because I just hate it here. I am so so unhappy.  It’s so fake and full of ridiculous expectations.

Trying to say the serenity prayer but like….it all feels useless

So I just got health insurance finally and I can now afford to go to a really nice rehab that worked for a lot of my friends. No more excuses it’s time to progress and leave some shit in the rearview.

Not gonna lie it does kinda scare me a little because I need it to help me. I’ll try anything at this point.

One last clip of our boy Ryan from @relapserow

We’ve gotten an incredibly positive response for this episode and couldn’t be…

124 Days Later..

I have been sober from Dilaudid and alcohol for 124 days. That’s 4 months and it’s mindblowing. Dilaudid was a rather easy thing for me to give up all and all, but at times I still crave it. But let me tell you something about alcohol.. I crave it constantly. I miss it like I miss a really abusive lover. I know it’s not good and leads to trouble but fuck what I would give for the drunken oblivion I use to fall into daily. I just miss it.