Itâs weird now how much I used to hate mornings. I woke so mad at the world. Or maybe mad I woke up. Angry at still being alive.
These days, most days, I wake up content. A state of peaceful happiness. My dog chews a bone. My cat cleans his fur with a soft pur. I drink my latte. I meditate and thank a god somewhere for keeping me sober.
On the days Iâm lonely, I miss him. The days I am at peace, I miss someone I have yet to meet. Someone who will love my bed full of animals and my almond milk latte.
active addiction vs 9 months completely sober
from hopeless junkie surviving on a diet of meth, Gatorade, and sugar free gum
to a hopeful mommy to be with something worth living for
we can and do recover. if you are struggling, please do not hesitate to reach out. we need each other to get through this. we cannot do it alone.
responded to my former therapistâs email about âthis is whatâs bestâ explaining the specific reasons why i feel like my individual situation doesnât lend itself well to sober living (see prior text post) and she was like âsorry itâs not great, but you said youâd give it 30 days, and youâre almost halfway there so try harder to connect with the other women and fulfill your commitmentâ
ugh. but whyy. do i really have to listen to her?
i know i donât, but my parents said they 'will support your recovery, not your alcoholismâ and i fear that they will no longer talk to me/support my recovery if i choose to 'defyâ the 'clinical recommendationâ
itâs been 10 daysâŚ20 more seems like an eternityy
Iâm not too sure whatâs brought me here - I suppose Iâm looking for some kind of release.Â
I am overwhelmed with the mundanity of life and the isolation that this pandemic has inflicted on all of us in Recovery.Â
I spent 6 weeks last year in a Rehabilitation Facility to treat my alcohol and cocaine addiction.Â
It was here I was taught the fundamentals of how to lead a life free of drugs, how to deal with my trauma and how to cope in a world that I couldnât make sense of.Â
Iâm approaching my 11 month of being clean and I am still struggling to make sense of this life.Â
I have frequent bouts of existentialism, that often result in the statement that I started this post with, Why am I here?Â
Iâm fortunate enough to reel off enough reasons for living, yet iâm unable to ascertain my purpose; I feel so broken still.Â
Recovery can be so conflicting, it forces you to feel your emotions, confront your actions and accept yourself.Â
Which can be devastating when youâre trying to decipher who you are and who you want to be.Â
For a time I felt that if I waited long enough maybe everyone would forget; maybe I would forget.Â
Shame and guilt linger.Â
This may be part of my process in taking accountability.Â
A word, I know that even the addicts with numbers of years of clean time under their belt still struggle with.Â
Accountability? I certainly couldnât fathom it in early recovery.
 It was the worlds fault. Not mine.Â
Itâs now my opinion, that accountability is what distinguishes us from active addicts to addicts in recovery.Â
And thank GOD for recovery.Â
My newest #idea : #goal kind of want it to happen asap⌠I have a lot of #dreams and #todolists but last year my mom made some wonderful changes, it wasnât easy but she did baby steps to be a healthier person, the sad truth is that she even said âdonât tell my family Iâve sobered upâ now to me that sounds wild, what do you mean donât tell these people who supposedly #love you that youâve made #positivechanges ? Yet I have learned some people fake it⌠they pretend they #havelove but they do not, and others can be like a leech if you even mention the word #sobriety they want to take your time, #timeisprecious , and just ask question after question without paying you like theyâd pay a therapist yet they want to speak with you like oneâŚ. now I keep it #sober but I smoke cigs and drink coffee so I canât really judge others⌠but my Mom is kind of stuck in a small town around people she cannot even speak about #positivity and #bethechange âŚ. some #irony is that my best abstract #art print photographs in my opinion are all unreleased sitting on memory drives. Some real #goodart that as I was just browsing the photos months ago I said to myself âthese are dang gallery print photosâ and I have enough #roses between now 4 storage units to fill a few shopsâŚ. donât let me forget people if somehow things bounce financially I need to offer full benefits for at least one employee and get my mom out of cold small town sheâs in, and have her be the register CEO and shop manager of a lot of #handmaderoses . Sheâs been there at times and though I donât like to mention the subject much I keep it #sober no drugs no booze and I do know from experience if you decide to do that, life may become a bit more stressful and more work, I do try and support others whatever they decide yet I disconnected from a lot of people when I made the journeyâŚ. and it can be hard to say goodbye to people we love but if theyâre not pulling you up theyâre pulling you downâŚ. and that is that. The better question how to make the goal happen sooner than later.
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#versatilestyle77
another sober living âcomplaintâ
i was literally kicked out of the kitchen in the middle of making dinner because the house manager was doing an intake. she said âcan you give us some privacy here?â
a.) no one told me i wasnât supposed to be present during an intake
b.) i have to make dinner because i have to eat because i have a fucking eating disorder (not sure she knows/understands all that; no one eats regularly here or cooks)
c.) itâs 6pm, weâre going to an AA meeting as a house at 7 soâŚ
d.) i went back downstairs (to turn off the oven & stove) after i heard her go over the new clientâs history and progressed to house rules (ie no personal info) and again she asked me to leave. mk sorry iâm trying not to burn down the house?
e.) she [the house manager] was also complaining that no one told her we were getting an intake today, but i definitely remember someone mentioning it during the sunday house meeting
ughh. THIS. IS. NOT. WORKING.
i emailed my therapist from rehab to ask her opinion on sober living (ie i donât feel like iâm getting any benefit from being here)
and she pretty much [keeps] saying âthatâs what most people do and thatâs what gives people the highest chance of successâ
âŚyes, but why? and are those things applicable to me/my situation? i feel like she was saying similar things about standard of care prior to my discharge, and i understand that sheâs young/relatively new in this field but just because something works for other people doesnât mean itâs right for meâŚ(?)
i really donât think iâm trying to make excuses/rationalize but i need an expert opinion hereâŚ
Guys am sorry for all the Daft Punk content Iâve been reblogging but-
Theyâre truly the first electronic music I got into back in the 2000s! I remember watching their animated videos on old school Toonami back in 2002-2003. I think even before that when MTV actually played music! Theyâve always been part of my early life when getting into anime and videogames.
A huge part of my childhood was listing to Daft Punk and going into other worlds in my head because of their music. Whatever they do now in life I hope Guy and Tom keep being amazing artists and keeping doing it right.
And you know what- when I was a very unhealthy person and doing bad substances, Daft Punk always brought me to a happy and safe place. Never any harsh vibes and they really made me feel the music. Now being clean for the past 4 years I can still listen to their music and still feel what they gave me. Nothing but positive feelings from their art.
Thank you Daft Punk for being part of my life and being my Superheroesâ¨đđšđśđđ§đżđĽ