“We are always in motion, evolving and changing . How will you handle the change?”
So it took me a while to write this blog post and now that I’m sitting here I’m laughing at myself as I begin to purge. If you didn’t know, I spent the last 10 months in Istanbul, Turkey…evolving. Cracking open my cocoon if you will.
It was hard to accept the light that was seeping in through the cracks, but gradually, my vision adjusted and I was able to see clearly.
I found myself proverbially ‘alone’ and at a crossroads; the same question swirling around my head: “What is it you actually want from life!?”
After being swindled by a job, falling off with friends, bad dates and a stint in the hospital after a dance with mold, I thought I was going to lose it.
It was in that moment I began to rediscover me…that I began to take full responsibility for my actions…and when the light finally broke through exposing the wings of my imagination.
This discovery was very big you see; I was feeling stagnant, trapped in my mind and held up by that annoying friend, anxiety who loved to talk me out of moving forward.
It wasn’t so much that I had an epiphany, it was more something very strangely simple that happened. I shifted, once again, and began to feel grateful for where I was sitting. Grateful for change, and completely overjoyed with the idea of motion.
It meant that I wasn’t in the midst of a breakdown, I was becoming the breakthrough.
And so, I sat on my living room floor with journals and little notepads and plans all around me trying to splash my creativity onto a canvas that was more tamed and organized. I had to share this message with the world.
There was my friend anxiety again, creeping up with ideas about tedious details and money I don’t have. And for a while I let that friend prevail again; stopping me right in my tracks. My delivery had to be perfect. My message had to be serious.
I thought that until, I really listened to that Gandhi quote , you know the one where he says, “My life is my Message”. At that moment, all the color blocks on my mental rubix cube slid together and there it was.
My truth: is to live purposefully in hopes that someone will see me and think, why can’t I?
That question means so much to me. I think back to the Fall of 2006, a year after I had began suffering PTSD; I sat in my New Orleans Dorm and thought Of my counselor Karalyn. “Sometimes light comes from dark places” she said. I thought she was crazy, I’m broken I’m dirty I’m so stupid…!!
It was on that day in New Orleans I thought to myself wait….why should my life be the currency used to pay for someone else’s mistake….
Why can’t I …be successful and travel like I always dreamed…
Why can’t I….feel safe and free around strangers
Why can’t i… Graduate from college
Why can’t i…why can’t i…accept and embrace change while evolving gracefully…?
Gandhi was right, My life IS my message and if I had to spell it out, this is my message to you:
…you are more than your past, and you’re only as great as your wildest dreams.
This is my dream…to share with you.