#spilled emotions Tumblr posts

I think I’m addicted to hurting myself. I can’t seem to stop. I’m getting so good at fighting off the darkness of my illness.

And yet. And yet.

I used to cut, to soil my skin with my pain. I fixed that, worked through it and it’s been years since I’ve thought about it.

Then came the cigarettes. That one was sneaky. I didn’t realize right away that I was hoping poisoning my lungs would take days off my life that I didn’t want. I quit for me and my love, and my family.

The eating problems have been haunting me all my life. A shadow clinging to me no matter how healthy I get. I’m working on that now.

But I always seem to find something, anything to self sabotage. Automatically. Without recognition.

I work hard in therapy and yet my brain does not care. It wants out. I know that I cant do anything obvious to hurt myself now.

But honestly I’m terrified of what will happen next. I can’t seem to stop wanting to punish myself for things that were never my fault. I did nothing wrong.

My brain doesn’t care. It tells me I deserve to suffer. I try to quiet this voice, but it’s always there.

Lingering in the back of my mind.

A Late Morning Entry

I woke up this morning, missing someone… I turned around and searched for him but he wasn’t there. I don’t know why I always expect to wake up next to him. With this whole pandemic going on I haven’t been able to see him much… instead I sit with daily messages, late night calls and surprise letters in the post. All of which make me tremendously happy- but it’s not the same. I can’t wait for things to get better, and I know that it’s selfish of me, but I want to be with him…

12. Someone once told me that sleep is for the weak and I think he was joking but he had a point. Sleep is for the weak. Sleep is a solace for those who’re not strong enough to deal with life nonstop. Sleep is for those who need a regular escape from being alive.

you love is the color

of sunset; so luminous

and bright and vivacious

and fading all too damn fast.

(and not enough appreciation

for the everlasting blue behind it.)

~kairos

my mind burns cold

disappeared in this snowstorm

with no one to hold

as the tea

cools

meditation

dancing

alone at home

carefree

I’m tired

I’m so tired

are you?

Everything feels fucking fake

This world is a lie

Fuck the moon, the sun and you

For all 3 breaking my damn heart

Again and again and again.

stoner sesh tip: get your drink of choice and j leave it open during the sesh. trust me. it’ll save your throat. extra brownie pts if it’s water.

I am no longer

searching for my

other half, and

through you, I’ve

realized that I

am completely whole

all the time, that

it just takes a

lot of time for me

to know that I’m

just undergoing

through a lot of

different phases.

Semjase 6: 58 / 02-27-21

Of all the

beautiful things

happened to me,

you were the most

beautiful.

Semjase 6: 54 / 02-27-21

Honestly, it was a privilege to have my heart broken by you.

I often think of this,

As confusing as it gets,

I remember how you were confusing to me,

And I don’t want to think,

But wander if I was confusing to you as well.

My tastes are weird, I drown in the things people call bitter

My sorrow is an ocean

Im not afraid to dive deep in it

But still I drowned inside of a cup of water

Its the small cuts that hurts the most

Little things that kill us.

Somewhere behind my back I hide a knife

Stabbed by my dearest one

Stuck there,

I hide the pain of betrayal like how my ribcage hides my heart.

Sunset

You riot against thousand bloody clouds,

To take angels down

Hoping that you will win this time

As you watch the sunset,

Colors in your eyes start to surge,

Preparing for the storm.

All the personalities of you fight

The man in you looses,

The woman in you cries.

The demon in you always wins,

The angel in you dies.

You ask me why are you so tired?

But if you are constantly in war with yourself

It’s likely for you to feel defeated

Wasting my last breath on you, I fall down

My tears are one in a million,

Pouring into the ocean.

In blood red, sun sets into my soul,

But the bloodshed sets in you.