Pillory

—After Wyatt

The pillar perished | along with deeds | rendered multiple

Is whereto I leant | a subjectivity lent by ways of | pillage substitute

For village | filled with music | anatomy & design | soon to be

From inside me | tools manifest on canvas | laid flat on a steel surface.

Rendered | thus damaged | changed in unutterable unmappable ways.

Cartographer without a compass | trade logistical engineer 

Though algebra I loved | outside institution rooms | don’t let go

Cargo lexicographer | your words are fucked up | police uniform—

From East | to West | still seeking | though he went | unhappy chance

Still | my muzzle load | detraction tractor trawls | aimless & blind

Dangerous reproduction capacity | representation ease | distance maker

But sins | that thus | it is | by destiny | what can I | more but have

A woeful heart? | A desert nation. A century of fallen mint molars.

Dreadful death | a solar maximum idiom | absolute disappearance.  

“so.. can we talk about him? are you over it? have you moved on?” she asked, looking at me for an answer.

“oh, yeah, for sure. I’m over him, we’re cool. We actually just talked last week..” I said, shifting in place, knowing damn well that I’m a fucking liar.

I didn’t want to admit that I think I might never get over you. I don’t think that I will ever be able to explain in proper words the things that go through my body and mind whenever someone mentions you. How can I put in words the way you made me feel? The hurt that I’ve felt? The sadness and heartache that has taken over my whole fucking entire body for the past 4 months.

I don’t want to admit that after 4 months I’m still not over someone who was never mine to begin with. You were never mine, you just acted as if you were. You were never mine, you just called me your second half and introduced me as the love of your life to strangers. You were never mine, but you built this type of atmosphere around us, that made me believe that perhaps, maybe, you’re mine as much as I’m yours.

Demon in Disguise

You had a blackhole as a heart

An abyss as a mind

And your whirlpool eyes,

Pulling me to the ocean inside.

You had to wear a humans skin

To cover the darkness within.

To hide what you are really inside

The demon in disguise…

“We cry because our lot is that of transformation. Our bones are cracking, our skin is stretching, our souls are spilling. We have no understanding of what we presently are even as we attempt to predict what we will be.”

‘the self,’ - Megan’s Poetry #780

Hearing her cries, I jump into the water without a care for the clothes on my back. I could see her little hands flailing above the water, before she began to sink. She was sinking deeper and deeper. But, the adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream powered my limbs, as I followed her into the dark depths of the water. No longer would she succumb to the embrace of the water. I wrapped an arm around her and swam towards the surface with all the strength I could muster. No longer would I let her drown.

—self-healing

I’d lock her away her,

in the back of my mind.

I’d throw the key into the bushes

upon walking into school each morning.

I’d wipe away the remnants of her soul from my tongue and paint my mouth white with the language they all spoke.

Still, her words rung sweetly

through my mind.

Every thought was hers

before it was theirs.

The longer my voice stayed with them,

the more we estranged grew.

But, no longer would

I keep her locked away.

I’d bring her out

and present her to the world.

Her melody was as soothing

as the rivers that ran through her.

Every phrase,

every fragment,

of every sentence,

echoed the voices

of all those that surrendered

their words to her.

Long before I lived,

centuries of stories were sung

in her sweet tone.

There’s no doubt,

she always had my heart and soul.

—punjabi, my mother tongue

Kapag mas lalo mong pinapakita na nag hahabol ka mas hahayaan ka lang niya.

reconnecting with my inner child

friendly reminder:

if you see someone contributing to self-destructive behavior (years of substance abuse, self harm or an unhealthy lifestyle in general) please don’t believe that they will be able to treat you like you deserve to be treated. because someone who isn’t even treating himself well, sure as hell won’t have the energy to treat you well.

• The empty spaces between us
• and the insurmountable distance
• between us, may separate our
• physical contact with each other,
• but our souls remained intact
• and connected towards one another,
• and with that I feel home.
• Semjase 23: 44 pm

• Her obsession with the cosmos will never fades
• Semjase 24: 33 pm

CRUEL SUMMER

I don’t wanna *wild hand movements* keep secrets just to *bang head* keep you 

And I, *roll eyes* snuck in through the garden gate  

Every night that summer *angst* just to seal my fate (oh) 

And I screamed *intense face expression* for whatever it’s worth  

*scream* I love you, ain’t that the worst thing *point vigorously* you ever heard? 

*howl* He looks up, grinning like a devil  

@taylorswift ​ @taylornation

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t cling to you. It’s not becuse I’m not you’re little girl no more. Or that I hate you. I don’t hate you. I love you so much. So much that I refuse to believe all the things that I know about you. I’m sorry that I can’t trust you, and belive me I’m trying so damn hard. Growing up is hard and I don’t know who to trust because I’ve seen and learn things that I wished I didn’t. You’ve told me things that should’ve never left you mouth or at least should never of been spoken around me. I’m fragile I guess. I admit it. I always thought I was so strong, so strong in fact that I never thought I needed a hug, kiss, snuggle, safety blanket, or anything. I can see it now. So clearly. I need it, no, I crave it. I crave affection ever since I learned I have no one to trust. And oh God, how I wished I had someone to trust but I don’t. I will never tell you how broken I really am. I will never tell you about my bloodiest fought battles. Vulnerability is my fatal flaw. Oh, how I wish I could hug someone right now.

None of this
Seems real to me anymore
Brief inspiration that draws out memories

Don’t cry for me
Please it’s almost over
I’m purging myself of it all

Tore myself apart
Until there was nothing left
And still I called it sanctuary

Even as I bled out
I cried for you to come
But it was too late to change a thing

I broke myself in two
Trying to bend backwards for you
But you just laughed and asked for more

These are the incessant rantings
Of a broken man lonely for platitudes
That in the wake of death have left him lacking

I’m sorry your name still lingers
Like rose thorns caught on my skin
Unable to be torn out, for fear of drawing blood

It was just a dream
Only a childhood fantasy
Wanting to be a husband and father

Wanted to feel at home
Wanted that beautiful wife
Sexy legs, humble breasts, I digress

Just an image painted in my head
Beautiful long hair and fair complexion
Strong feminine facial features, just a dream

Now settling for less
You were as close as I could get
Is that why I still want you instead of her

When you said they were pretty
And I said, “None of them were as beautiful as you”
It was the truth, that made your face light up, anew

Saw our future from day one
The supplications of a boy in love
Wanting to find his happily ever after

I painted you the picture
But you thought it was just the hook
But I was already on the line sinking for you

Dreams bring you back to me
And I remember you as you were
And it breaks my heart in two that I hurt you

“İ saw you at night between my sheets,

Something between a nightmare and a dream… ”

i feel like time is slipping through my fingers

no matter how hard i try to catch it

it just falls

i fall

i am weak

my body is weak

i don’t know how to continue

when all i want to do 

is rest my heavy heart