It’s always a different one
Sometimes it’s the girl with gold hoops
And those delicious red lips in red lipstick, Ocasio

Sometimes it’s the girl in gap clothes
With Vans that looks the part of a wife
Comfortably beautiful, not even trying, Mila Kunis

Sometimes it’s the girl in leather jacket
Who walks up to me in flannel and black jeans
Combat boots black eyeliner, come hither look, Jessie Reyez

Sometimes it’s the girl with tattoos
Long legs and pale skin supple movements
Almond shaped eyes, those perfect bangs, Julia Kugel

Sometimes it’s the girl with the belly ring
And the tongue piercing with a short dress and heels
And a thong outline, blatantly aware that looks can kill

But here I am again, alone again
Still looking for you in every woman I see
Every glimpse that I get lost in, enamored of you

You were everything
That is why your name
Still fizzes on my tongue waiting to escape
Like an exhale when you’ve held your breath too long

I just wanted a pretty wife
Someone I could carry over the threshold
Still fantasizing about you, I’ll call them all by your name
And even though It’s just a dream, I’ll take the blue pill, once again

I don’t wanna know this feeling unless it’s you and me. I don’t wanna waste a moment. I dont want to give the better part of me. I would rather wait for you.

I’ll never love again//Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Am I always gonna be this way?

So empty, so estranged?

Now my soul has grown too old

It can’t handle your intensity anymore

Now instead of thrills and adrenaline

It yearns for idylls and home

Sucks when the only person you wanna talk to makes you feel like you’re annoying them.

Thank you for setting me free. For choosing to let go. For giving up on me. You know how I broke the moment your footsteps died in the hall. Tore my heart out when the truth that we’re finally over dawned. I was desperate, crying for hours over a love I thought would last. For weeks I kept imploring the gods. In grief, I was begging you to come back.

Then suddenly, I was no longer grieving. Suddenly, I was no longer pained. Suddenly, I was no longer mumbling your name.

For in the darkness, he found me. Brave as Lochinvar, he took my hand. Suddenly, I am looking at the sunset. Suddenly, I notice his eyes are golden. Suddenly he becomes my one and only. Suddenly, he means the world to me.

-He means the world to me,

Katie, 20:00

I’m getting away. I’m isolating myself from you. I think it’s for the best because recently I’ve been drowning in my memories of us.

She told me I was a nice guy and I deserved a nice girl…. but I was only truly nice to her because I love her…

So I stepped off the golden,

Nobody cried,

Nobody even noticed,

I saw them standing right there

Kinda thought they might care

— Everything I Wanted, Billie Eilish

The hollow word

Claws at my heart

How can I shield myself

From another load of pain.

Friend, I see your loneliest on a window ledge. Watching the rain drops trickle down your cheeks,

I hope you know it’s not loneliness,

it’s connection, and I can’t connect with you.

— Transparent reflection

I live my life sat in a little glass box. 

It’s small and cramped and never quite comfortable. 

I can’t go anywhere. I can barely move a lot of the time. 

That isn’t the worst thing though. 

The worst part is that sometimes I forget there’s a wall

I stretch out my hand to a future

Step forwards to try and follow everyone else 

Only to be met with a cold impenetrable pane of glass. 

And then I get to watch

As everyone dances away into their sunlit lives not knowing that I can’t follow

Nobody looks back

Why would they. 

And so I am left behind 

As the sun disappears over the horizon and I know I will never catch it. 

So I sit by myself 

In my little invisible box 

As the darkness consumes me

And the mind forged walls close in. 

I thought of you when I was at work. I got yelled at by my supervisor. I have no one to vent to about it but if I talked to you it would make me feel better. I don’t understand why you’re still on my mind. I look at all the stuff I recieved from you. It puts tears in my eyes. I always wonder if you miss me….

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that they have more power over you than you do. Whether they show it with their actions or their words, you have to let them know that you are in complete control over your own life. Every decision you make should always be under your authority. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different, not even for a second.

I can smell my own sickness

Seeping out

I am merely skin and bones

“Falling into your arms feels like coming home.”

i still can’t get over you not being here physically. i don’t know if i’ll ever fully cope with the fact that you’re no longer here with me in the physical realm. i know that you’re here with me in spirit though. i know that you’re watching over me and that, no matter how much i say you’d be disappointed in me if you were here, you’re actually proud of me. you’re proud of the fact that i’m; finding myself, finding my voice, now allowing myself to live for me, finally following a path that’s going to lead me toward bliss and fulfillment.

i printed out a picture of you and i talk to it from time to time hoping you’ll hear me. sometimes i feel so alone, but the thought of you reassures me that i’m not and when i’m thinking of you i can feel your warmth embracing me from the other side. i know that you’re there cheering me on and sending me love just like you used to do when you were here. you’re my reason to keep living even though you’re no longer alive. knowing that you’re watching over me and guiding me motivates me to keep going.

i really love and miss you, writing this feels so surreal. no matter how tough or dark shit gets, i promise you that i’m going to always give this life shit all that i have and make you proud until it’s over and we can unite again.

n.j. // A Letter To You 🕊

One minute I’m happy, an hour later I can’t think of a reason to live!