#spilled journal Tumblr posts

I been trying to tell myself encouraging words. Things that will lift up the veil of my sadness. Make it smile. Make it laugh. Make it forget its sadness for awhile. I would love to say this works everytime. But my sadness is still dark and lonely a lot of the time. Encouraging words dont always work. But I’ve survived every single day up till this point. I’ve survived all the days I thought I wouldnt make it, all the days I thought I wasnt strong enough. Somewhere deep inside me there was that strength. So although I still have a lot of bad days, days i dont think I’ll make it, i know i can. I know I’ll get through all this too and live to see happier days. I know I can do it because I’ve done it so many times before.

L.L

Loving him feels like life gets better, loving him feels like another chance to breathe, loving him feels like life itself, because without the love, i don’t know where i would go. Loving him feels like the first smile after a life of crying. Loving him is my spring after years of winter. And what would life be without flowers?

What do you do when the person you want to escape from is yourself? When the person you hate the most is yourself?

I think about love and loss, of a lifetime of never being enough. I fall apart over and over and over, and wonder how much grief one person can endure? Maybe there are just people who are meant to never get what they want, no matter how close it might have felt.

Maybe I’m not meant to be any one’s great love, or closest friend, or most important. Maybe there are just placeholder people, and I am meant to be one of them.

Every thought I have, every move I make feels wrong. I don’t know how to be okay, or even what okay felt like.

I run until my lungs burn and my legs throb, and I still can’t outpace my demons.

I carry myself like a zombie though the days, going through the motions just enough to get by.

I wait for sleep that doesn’t come, and peace that seems elusive.

I keep taking breaths, even when it feels like I am going to break with each one.

I watch the world keep moving around me and I am just paralyzed.

I am broken, I feel shattered and worthless and empty. And all I can to is watch everyone keep living, while all I can do is stand still in the shadows of what used to be.

Ms.Cellophane,

your presence is clearly there,

as you raise your voice to the air.

How resilient you are,

as you preserve others just to be discarded for another.

How reliable does your ability to be pliable have to be?

How much reliance do you have to maintain to no longer be a convenience?

It’s apparent, you no longer want to be transparent.

Unfortunately, your fragility hinders your visibility.

Ms.Cellophane,

you must face reality that you were created as a nonce,

but don’t fret my dear, that does not correlate to a dunce.

So save your tears, although you remain sheer.

You’re comprised of material that’s not easily destructible. 

Your being is tangible,Interchangeable,remarkable,

and if the world lacked your existence 

they would soon recognize their pittance, 

and seek you once again for your assistance. 

Ms.Cellophane,

your necessity is plain to see.

Try to be more forgiving,

many don’t possess your degree of sensitivity.

You’ve been naturally gifted with undeniable clarity.

Try to be more patient,

while you hold on to your sanity.

The trials against humanity undermine your sense of vanity.

You must allow leniency for their vision.

Your glint may just not fall in their prism.

Your worth is your decision.

-JDF

blooming on my own tonight
why would you come back?
all i needed was myself
maybe do some art
maybe cry for awhile
i promise i’ll be back
but this time for myself

to some it might seem odd

some quiver to the bone

they’d rather be peas in a pod

but she takes delight at being alone

her smile came from peace

it could brighten the night sky

her presence was so sweet

you’d hardly ever want to say bye

if only you could meet her

maybe one day she’ll come around

she lost like some other creatures

but she is a treasure once found

it’s been cold in here
i don’t know how to feel
my hands shake and my stomach aches
i’m lonely once again
my eyes get watery when i think about that feeling

without you everything seems old again
like dreamy music playing from the other room
like that summer dress i wore when i was 12
but i know that finally embracing goodbye was the right thing
because i feel free to be who i am

maybe there’s beauty in this sadness
or maybe it’s just sadness

I always think about the fact that I am not a singular person. I have little microbiomes inside of me that digest my food for me. And my cells are constantly being replaced. It’s freaky to think that “I” is subjective. And if my microbiomes are technically “me” and I they, then I contain multitudes of possible outcomes. And every single time 2 people kiss they exchange billions of microbiomes and they settle in your gut and slowly start to change your own little organisms. So in all reality, I am not me at all. And I will never be the same “me” I was 2 seconds ago. Anyways, it’s been a weird day. I’m moving and tonight is the first clear night in almost a week and I am hyped up to go out with my telescope tonight

I’ll never regret having my children but apart of me yearns for the simple times before them. When I could wake up whenever and do whatever. I wish my boyfriend and I had more time just us two. I wish we were able to have done more things before almost automatically getting pregnant. We jumped into a relationship and then jumped onto being parents before hardly anytime had passed. It makes me a little sad well never really have those moments or times alone again.

I think I’m falling in love with him…

January 1 2021

you are under the watchful eye of a sick angel

a broken angel

still doing their best

their vision is blurry

their cognition is low

their wings are hurt

and their heart is ripped open

pull out the thread of this heart out

sew this angels wings back together

an angel, fall in love with a human?

how peculiar something could take place

this angel’s so broken

their heart cant take much more

will love open the right door?

i am once again asking [me]

to allow my-Self to simply be.

do you think that if bad people felt the pain they caused, they would see their victims differently? would they become tendered souls in repentance? Or scoff at the old and too familiar suffering?

Some people were designed to kick dirt into your eyes with their boots.

Why didn’t you ask me?
I already know the answer.
You can never be sure. You can’t assume.
I am pretty sure about this one.
You know, your fears aren’t always right.
…
And you can’t always outrun them.
I can try.

I think of your hands. I think about how sometimes I don’t need to try something to see if it’s right. I don’t know if I believe in fate, an invisible string. I’d like to think the universe writes down our love stories this way. The kind of rain that you only see in a certain angle in the taillights is my favourite. I’d like to meet you again; beautiful things usually last so little. The world is becoming a dream, stuck in limbo, dissociating. I like staying home on a Sunday. I don’t want to look back as I write but with no fail, I will mention it. Life isn’t what I thought, and most of it we spend working through things that have happened long before we even started taking ourselves seriously. We’d have to be crazy not to meet again. We’d need a little madness to stay sane.

I came here by chance, 03/02/2021

hellos my name is xanthe ^-^ dis will be my writing account! everything here will be my own work unless specified! msg me & interact plz :3

it scares me to think,

what if he doesn’t come back,

what if he’s the one that gets away…

Tuesday February 16th 4:03 AM

Im writing this so damn early because I guess I just needed to spill my problems ya know. I was born and raised into a good and supportive family. But I was given all the medical problems. OCD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression the list goes on. I guess that’s why I have so many online friends huh? But whatever I just feel like I’m all alone in this world. I have no one to really talk to so that’s why I came here. I needed a way out I guess. But we all know that we can’t escape now huh?

Getting to the root cause of why I’m so fixated on her is like setting a wash mode on high and trying to pick out one item of clothing. Every emotion, thought, and memory swirls together in one unidentifiable jumble. There is no pulling a part this mess to decipher. No words that can possibly articulate this disaster. There is no stop button to this kind of pain.