Just how amazingly these memories work, in a moment make the strongest of men feeble!
“Why don’t you hate me?”
To put it simply,
Hating you would force me to hate everything about this world I hold dear.
I find you in the little things.
You still linger within all that makes me smile.
Everything I enjoy has your name carved deep in the very essence of it.
I couldn’t tell you any of this in person,
I just said that I’m not able to,
That I wasn’t sure.
The truth is,
I could never hate the one who taught me what love is.
I am constantly wondering what it’d be like to be pretty. To be wanted. To be able to look in the mirror and not want to break it into a thousand little pieces.
I always wonder how different life would’ve been if I was pretty in society’s eyes, and to my own eyes too. But I just make do with what I have. I can’t change it so I just try and accept it for what it is.
The reason you start to hate yourself is when you start to compare yourself with others .
You are the only one who can light up your own life.
The molecules that hold my frame, their
vibrations are now dying.
The old gates to the living, I can
find no more. Doves are crying.
Hope is diminished. Along with
the dying vibrations.
Old molecules removed. New bonds are
made. God my salvation.
The molecular structure that makes
me human, strange and altered.
The longer I remain lost, the more
Beast I become. Altered
No human could love me now. I must
find solace in the arms
of the dead. A small gravestone as
my fractured crown, crows as charms.
And so many didn’t notice…
Your smile can make someone’s day.
I don’t look back often, it doesn’t do any good. The answers are ahead of all of us.
But, I’d go back to this.
To the days when I carried them, but they carried me too.
I can stand alone… I didn’t want to have to, but I can…
oh, my, I am so drained,
my skin is aching,
bleeding under boiling water,
bones are showing
but I keep rubbing, scratching,
I’m covered up in soap,
blood, tears, salt,
violence and vanilla.
Trying to wash away every scent of you,
of me, of us,
Would you trade everything for that one thing?
Give anything to get that certain thing? Would you trade?
Think about that. Would you trade all that you have now, to get that one thing you think you’d like the most? Would you give up a life’s work, a lifetime of achievements to this point, to have what you think you’d like to have more than anything. A relationship for what looks like a “better” choice. It’s a tough, tough question.
What if you were right?
But, what if you were wrong?
Is the “best thing ever”, the best thing ever? What if you realized the path you’re on is truly your calling? How sad would it be that looking over the fence at the greener grass made you want it so much, that you stepped into the wrong yard? And on a pile of their dogs shit…..
Would you trade everything?
That’s the question.
You think you’re right, but you’re wrong. You think you’re on top of the world, then the rug gets pulled out from under you. You think it’s light out side and something shades everything. There’s no evil because there’s no good. Beauty is only skin deep, and ugly is an opinion. When you climb a mountain you may roll down the other side and cause an avalanche. A disease does not kill, because you are dying everyday. It’s a matter of time. The ocean comes in and goes out, but it waves hello and goodbye…..
I don’t know what it’s like to rely on someone else.
I never have but hopefully I will.
Right now what I need is a hug and some hope
but those things are in short supply.
I know how to provide.
I can give when my heart is empty, even when my well runs dry.
But receiving is something I know little of.
What does it mean to be loved, to be cared about,
to be treated like something precious?
I have no one to hide behind in times of crises,
I bear the brunt alone.
I don’t know what it means to be shielded or held in times of trouble -
Is that what love is supposed to look like?
Each time life preys upon me all I can do
is hope that I don’t collapse under its weight again
because if I fall, there’s no one to catch me or raise me up.
Is it too much to want someone I can lean on
during the times when I grow weary and my legs become weak?
Am I selfish for wanting to receive the things I give to others so freely?
This strength I supposedly have is what’s keeping me alive
but at this stage, I wish it would stop.
Am I good enough? If you are thinking this let me tell you
Yeah you are good enough to be where you want to be , and to be with that person you always want to be.
So never look down on yourself .