“You walk SO fast…” I called, struggling to keep up with his pace.
“I’m trained, babe”
“Look. Ready. Left, left, left…” He slowed down.
He stared downward as I attempted to mimic his footsteps.
“There.. you got it” he smiled warmly.
-I miss him sometimes
That was the thing though. He moved so quickly. I just couldn’t keep up. I could never keep up.
I have NEVER done any of this before. Try experiencing tons of new things every day, try feeling new feelings, try wanting to be better, try wanting to impress him non-stop, but try it while you’re exiting all of your comfort zones, try it while your mental health is still weak, try it while you’re still testing new anti-depressants, try it while you’re still a guinea pig for your med-provider, try it while you’re trying to keep your panic attacks at bay but there’s a chance this pill is going to have crazy side effects, try it while your parents don’t stop screaming at you, try it while your grades are dropping, try it while you’re working long hours and everyone’s sick of hearing about your problems, try it while you’re between therapists, try it while your anxiety has stopped your appetite and you haven’t eaten for three days, try it while he’s giving you his all but for some reason you CANNOT, no matter what, open up to him, try it while there’s this wall that you didn’t even know was there and it won’t come down, I’m trying to knock it down!, it won’t come down!
Yes, I searched for the bad in him. I wanted to find a reason to stop moving for just a second. Yes, I started a fight that I don’t even remember my argument. I didn’t expect him to never speak to me again though. I just wanted a moment, a reason to pour my heart out to him. Because unless I had intense emotion behind it, I wasn’t going to do it.
But he left instead… and I don’t blame him… I really don’t…
And I can’t help but think that it was all my fault… and it was… and that’s okay… because I’m not done with my mental health… I’m nowhere near done…
I just needed more time. I needed a slower pace… and for the life of me, I couldn’t convey that to him.