I say i moved on but i catch myself daydreaming about you sometimes, remembering only the happy memories- i guess i missed the person i used to know and the person you used to be.
“If you could say it in words, there would be no reason to paint.”
Safe in your arms
I trust the pain in your grip
It won’t be long
Until your hands print on my hips
Your teeth sink into my lips
You’ve never felt love like this
A shiver down my spine
You tighten the straps
On my wrists
Your eyes grow wide
My stomach twists
You are the master
Of turning pain
i keep thinking something is majorly wrong with me since i don’t know who i am, what my hobbies entail, my stance on politics, views in general, how i like to spend my time alone, what makes me tick/what makes me happy but how am i meant to know when everyone is constantly telling me how to be? when i have been brought up in an environment when i try to express myself i am silenced or turned away, i am at the age now where i am considered to be an adult but i feel like a hopeless child running to strangers for confirmation and i am so tired of running
She had enough hard times trying to get used to it. Darlin’ if you have no intention to ever coming back again, please don’t bother reminding her about ending.
— Ps. 11:11
If u hurt my heart probably it’s gonna be a second chance for u still,
but once u’re against my thoughts, once u disrespect my brain and question my intelligence, onetime u foolly my intuition (just cos it is no-touchable object so u think u can)
u can walk on ur mothafucka lashes idc
I don’t see u any longer
no soldiers are made that way - ever
Just imagine if we preached love and mercy,
instead of pushing power.
Just imagine if we were prone to compassion and forgiveness,
instead of hate.
Could you imagine what our world would be like,
if we smiled and laughed,
instead of crying tears?
If we gave each other a chance to succeed at being?
i’m fucking TIRED.
I sincerely freak out to be a 30+ woman in the next decade. I wasn’t ready to turn 30 years old this year and right now, I just wonder what is going to happen to me in the next decade. Will I get a job ? Will I fall in love ? Will I be successful ? Will I meet some new people who will become my friends with time ? Will I see places in the world I always wanted to see ? Will I be finally happy after all I got through in my twenties ? Will I leave a mark in this world ? All these questions freak the shit out of me.
“I swear if you get out of here I’m drinking your blood.”
I was always afraid to change the way I looked, mostly because i knew if i started i would almost always find another thing and eventually i would end up looking like someone that my mother would look at and think : did she really hate the way she looked that much? Where was the girl who used to argue with me at each step that her weight and looks were a part of her and she loved them both just the same? And now I don’t want to change it, i want someone else, someone else who wants to change the way their hair fits on their head, the way their eyebrows sit beautifully above their eyes, their small moles that only they notice, their dark circles from working too hard, the small hair on their face that makes them feel less feminine, something, something, everything,i want someone to look at me and think : hey, it’s probably not that bad? She’s fucking happy and in love with herself.
-gazergirl // i love myself a bit everyday
Mornings come with hope
The filtered light through the window
The soft colors of life
Yellow, green and blue lay down
On the landscape
The blue and purple shadows hold promise
The tussled bed tries to stretch
Bundles of white unfold into mounds
Eyes peel open
Blinking away dreams
You have this day ahead
You have this life
What will you do
With your waking morning
What will you do
With all the things you have before you
Oh, the choices in morning
That you can pluck from the newly lit air
Are the most important ones
Build your path
Build your path
The dark, late-night summer sky,
The stars against the indigo backdrop
And the stormy sea contained in your eyes.
Holding my breath at the first sight of snow,
The reflection of streetlamps in a puddle;
City lights through a rainy window.
Tree branches black in the grey, ebbing light,
A field of wildflowers, a bed of pink roses,
Evergreen trees in the fog, headlights cutting through the night.
People, slipping through my fingers like sand at the beach
Sunlight dancing on your skin at daybreak,
And the clouds lit up by the moon, just out of reach.
- a short list of things that remind me of you
So I finished my half marathon about 3 weeks ago. It was so much cooler than I thought it was going to be. I crossed that finish line and I felt like: hell yeah, I can do ANYTHING. Definitely want to run more races. And generally do more things that I don’t think I can do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so accomplished before.
Now my boyfriend and I are packing up to move locally, to a place with a yard for our pooch. When I was a teenager, my mom and I lived with a boyfriend of hers (they’ve since broken up) in his house. He used to throw us out sometimes when they fought. We stayed in hotel rooms, on the floors of friends, once in a shitty one bedroom apartment for a couple of weeks. I’ve hurriedly packed a bag a lot of times and had no idea how long I was packing for (we always came back).
All that to say that moving gets me into a weird space, even if I try to be rational about how none of that is a thing anymore.
Christmas gets me into a weird space too, since it fell on me as soon as I could drive to shuttle between my parents with my little sister in tow. Back and forth so many times. Here on the 24th, six hour drive from there on the 25th, three hour drive from there on the 26th. Back to the the second place if it’s high school. Back to the second place and then the first place again if it’s college. I’ve got some heavy holiday boundaries that I abide by now, but I still always struggle with December.
Plus December is the time of holiday parties with work colleagues, extended family, whoever and that kind of thing sends my social anxiety into overdrive. Constantly trying not to assess all of my interactions.
All THIS to say that we’re picking up the uhaul in an hour, and my alarm is going off in 20 minutes, and I’ve just been laying awake for 40 minutes feeling my stomach hurting and trying not to feel panicked about the lovely things happening in my life right now.
Once I finished my half marathon I lost the structure of daily exercise in an “I’ve got to pack and do all other things moving” mentality that has not served me well. I also stopped writing. My meditation slipped. I’ve been reading less. I stopped going to therapy a couple months ago but it seems like maybe that was premature. These are the things that got me out of my mental hole this year, and these are the things I’ll turn back to now. It’ll be fine.
I’m gonna start my 2020 goals soon. The idea of doing that makes me feel a little better. Stay tuned :)
“ I left this town and everything it represents behind, I thought I had fixed myself that I was finally okay. That no one could hurt me anymore. But two years later I came back thinking nothing could go wrong.
But I’m in the car with my family on the way to get dinner and all I can think of, is how badly I want to die.
What people say is true, you can’t fix yourself in the same place that broke you. But maybe there should be an added phrase, you can’t fix yourself in the same place that broke you; you can never go back there either.”
- // is it too early to leave?//