I’m not sure I can write about you yet because maybe I want this to all be for you, all that’s in my head and in my heart. Maybe because it’s real and I know this won’t rip me apart. Thank you. Thank you for showing up when I needed you and thank you for staying when you heard I could be broken. That I’m not perfect. Thank you.
This is my mind
Please maintain it’s sanctity
If you tread here with trembling steps,
It is a matter of seconds
Before you sink into nothing
once i hurt myself
in this bad horrible place
but once is enough
i want no more, no longer,
i don’t want to feel
i guess that’s why i did it;
its a distraction
from the pain that i do feel
at least then it stops
if for a second
it is very much worth it,
please, i am sorry
i am sorry
about the time
i freaked out hard
all were concerned
including you
and all you did
was tell them all
“let Rascal in”
and the dog ran
he ran inside
he jumped on me
60 pounds heavy
on top my lap
i was sobbing
but then i stopped.
So often I’m haunted by grief
Of the sort that wrings me
I have no feeling,
Like a drained hole
And my heart
It’s remained so bold
But I mourn my life
What it’s been and
What it might be
Sadness shadows my soul
Carves it
A knife sawing flesh
Thanksgiving turkey
I am so stricken
I am so deeply pained
I cannot hide in metaphors
As my will wanes
I suffer in silence
I’ve said many times before
I would never burden me
Upon someone else
Devils are eating me alive
And I pretend—
BY GOD I PRETEND
It’s not alright,
I’ll admit
But grief envelopes me
It’s a heavy weight
On my conscience
It prevents me
From waking
So often I feel
Someone taking
A hydraulic press
And pinning me down
I’m crushed
My bones crackling
As my sadness bores
Like light on an ant
From a magnifying glass
And I fucking
Hate to admit
But I’m as weak
As any human being
she is younger
she is taller
she is smarter
& she married at 20
i am older
i am shorter
i just started college
& i married at 21.
she is more faithful
than i ever was.
she is grace
and i am spite.
but the truth?
i would never
ever
ever
change her
& then i realized
i would never ever
change me either
“But you see, the monsters that claw me out, you won’t see them hide. Because they’re not around me, no. They’re all hidden deep inside.”
- Summer @impossiblewritingrebel
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you’d think
And if I’m being honest
It might have been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
Thought I could fly
So I stepped off the golden
Nobody cried
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say
As long as I’m here
No one can hurt you
Don’t wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change the way that you see yourself
You wouldn’t wonder why you hear
“They don’t deserve you”
Lyrics by Billie Eilish - Everything I Wanted
MissUnsolicited
I wish you saw yourself the way I see you
“I don’t know.”
It’s such a simple answer to all those big questions people throw at me. Most of the time, I’ve no clue about things happening around and within me. It’s nothing but an uncertainty, right? I can’t predict and hold onto that hope of something happening that I really want. My grades are fine, my family fights, things happen, life happens. All I say in return is those three words because I can’t let everything mean something. I can’t put meaning to every damn thing because that means I’m letting it matter - it hurts when it matters.
I thought I had purged you. I thought I was done. But I can’t stop seeing you everywhere I go. I close my eyes and still perfectly picture your hair, your eyes, your wings. My heart still drops when I open my front door to see you not there, waiting for me. My throat still chokes on the words that never left my lips that night as you walked away.
How did you work your way inside me to the point you have become part of me? How did each word yelled in anger become an irrevertible truth carved into my very being? How am I still yours, even now when no threads between us remain?
Our story was twisted and perfect and toxic and wholesome and I don’t know what’s the truth or what’s the lie anymore beyond the realization that I may be broken beyond repair.
I want to escape into crowded streets and traverse new worlds. I want to reach the sky and make each electric illumination another chance at a wishing star. I want to hear the music resonate with my pulse and feel my synapses fire with each sip from my glass.
I want to see you, haloed by the night, tall but never imposing. Never far away but just impossible enough to reach.
I just want to feel alive again.
February
I began to learn that progress isn’t linear and it’s okay that it isn’t. Progress is progress. I was tired a lot. I allowed people to anger me when the correct response would have been to walk away. I didn’t allow myself to cry because that would mean the mood tracker in my bullet journal would be full of blue hearts instead of the magenta ones that signify a good day. I have fallen deeper in love with the man who I’ve had feelings for since I was 18. I allowed myself to let go and I’m not scared. It’s freeing. I made time for God, family, and other loved ones. Allowing school and work to take precedence in my life can’t happen again. I had wanted this month to be full of love and it was. But I somehow forgot to remember that I need to also give myself love. I cannot continue to give out honey if my pot is empty.
“I don’t want you anymore. But without you to want, I can’t remember who I am”
- S. C. C.
I ripped my heart out for you.
Held it bleeding in my hand
while I offered it to the other half of my soul.
We both watched as it slipped
through my fingers to land in your hands
but they weren’t there to catch it,
you’d dropped back
and I haven’t ever been good at catch.
What’s being mean going to do for you? I just don’t get it; you’re birthing people’s insecurities. Your comment is what they’ll think of when they look in the mirror, when they get called on in class, when they’re with someone they love but they can’t trust because you encouraged their self-doubt, their self-esteem, confidence, and love. Why? Seriously, why?
At one point in my life…
I hungered for change as I stalked unfertile grounds, hunting and starving, being stretched to an unforeseen limit, I was parched thirsting for something new in a barren wasteland longing for the moon to pull me to a sea.
I was desperate to grow in a cold impotent, completely fruitless wretched world of desolate badlands depleted of life aching for the sun.
Suddenly a germination process began, forming me into who I have long been eager to bloom into, flowering into an untainted source free from the poisonous realms of human involvement.
I am a wild wallflower with roots grounded in rich soil, growing in an environment where the air is clean, the rain is refreshing and the light never vanishes.
Now, love nurtures my garden everyday.
Terry Lee
2/26/2020
i think i’ll find god, one day, sitting on a bench
in central park or in tower grove or somewhere nice,
in some oasis away from the danger.
i think i’ll find god, one day, sitting on a bench
with their head tipped to the sky or bowed to the earth,
contemplating love or christ or something i could never hope to understand.
i think i’ll find god, one day, and sit down beside them
and they will not look me in the eye, out of
pride or dismissal or shame, perhaps.
and when i ask where they’ve been, and what
their plan is, or something else that’s stupid and impossible to explain,
they’ll smile and hold my hand and tell me to ask them again.
These past few days I’ve just let myself go
I haven’t eaten, slept, felt happy.
I’ve cried to much to be okay for a while
I’m so sorry I hurt all the time.
