Well hello everybody.
Shit has been getting harder for me. I’m always angry. I’m always yelling and arguing with my mom. But on the flip side I’ve formed a stronger bond with my daughter.
One evening I told my daughter about the mean things my mother said and did to me as a child. My daughter has always been a softy but she cried as I told her my story. I think it’s because as much as I fought the tears I cried a little too. I told her she’s an only child just like I am, but her loneliness isn’t as bad as mine. She has me and a grandmother she is close to. I only ever had myself. I wasn’t close to my grandparents and my parents enjoyed smoking and spending time with their friends. I’ve always hated the smell of smoke. It makes me gag. So I was always on my own in my room playing with my toys or watching cartoons.
At some point during my early teens I developed a habit of talking to myself, having conversations with an invisible friend basically. I told a therapist about it and she said it was a coping mechanism for my loneliness. I’m just glad she didn’t say I was crazy.
I realise I’m having a highly functioning depressive spell and I’ve developed a new coping mechanism: cleaning. The kitchen and bathroom have never looked so good. I thought it was a positive sign that my depression is leaving but I realise all it has done is morph itself into an OCD. I get out of bed at 5 or 6am (after being awake since 2am) looking forward to cleaning or fixing stuff. I already have an OCD issue with shoes. I always imagine them having dog shit on them so I bought three shoe racks. I got one by the front door and the other two set aside as back ups. Whenever somebody leaves, they put their shoes on by the front door and leave their slippers in their place until they come back home and they can take their shoes off and switch. No potential trailing of dog shit in my house because the thought of having to clean it up makes me physically sick. I literally may pass out at the sight of dog shit on a shoe in my house. Whole shoe gotta go in the trash.
Insomnia is kicking my ass. I got a new bed and a new mattress. Both feel divine. But same shit keeps happening. I get super tired at about 10 or 11pm, fall asleep hard and wake up refreshed at 2am. Then that’s it. I’m wide awake until about 8am and then I’m ready to fall into a deep sleep. Thank goodness my daughter isn’t a baby or heavily dependant on me any more. I don’t know how I would have coped.
Spiritually I need to work on healing. I keep meditating trying to find the source of my deep seated anger and it comes down to my mother. I dislike that woman so much and I know it’s ever since something happened to me at 4 years old and she blamed me. She has never apologised because she doesn’t care. I told her about it one time and told her how it made me feel and she just looked at me blank as hell. She said she still believes it was my fault.
Just thinking about that conversation made me get angry again that it must be the thorn in my side. Another thing that hurts me is that after that incident I displayed behavior that was not age appropriate and in retrospect I just wish somebody cared enough to investigate. Up until recently I was still displaying odd habits because of it and I immediately stopped because I figured out why I was doing it.
Then I looked within and discovered why I overeat. I do it to feel. Feeling full feels so satisfying, eating new and great tasting food is entertaining. Eating unusual foods replaces the lack of discovery in life I was denied from being able to do by my parents. Eating was my only escape, and I say was because now I know what’s happening eating feels different.
I need a lot of healing.