Ascension Diary 4
I think I still need to talk about what happened in December. I can feel the trauma beneath my skin, it is still there. It just comes into my mind and like this I am thinking about it again. The hurt. The pain. Even it it’s stuff I don’t clearly understand myself.
I was turned into a portal for some dark creatures to come through. I still feel guilt about it. How come ? I knew I could provide passage for the dead but not for dark entities. How come they managed to change my field like this ? And then I feel terrible for letting enter into our dimension, what entered. Those entities weren’t nice in the slightest. They were dark and horrifying.
The one that keeps getting in my mind is the one that tortured me for hours. When he entered through me, I actually saw with my eyes a small, dark shadow on my wall. He came down from the ceiling and jumped behind me. He was like an elf but a dark one, with slim legs and long hair. Then I saw bars onto the walls of my room, like I was in prison. He mocked me a lot. He said he was coming and he was an eater, he was coming to eat my brain out. I was petrified. Then he proceeded by doing just that, I slowly felt something on my skull, I felt something poking right inside my brain kind of nibbling it. It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever felt.
Then the time loop began. He used magic I guess to put me in a time loop and this loop consisted of me having my brain sucked off by some crazy ass lunatic. This guy…was somber. Really there was an aura about him that screamed psycho. And I was trapped in this torture time loop for god knows how many hours.
I managed to get out of the loop when I realised there was one. I checked the clock and thought “But I have already seen this hour before how is this possible ?” I recongnised the loop and bam, I was out of it. I escaped this room and never slept in it again.
I still feel a sort of shame about something else. Something they tried to make me shameful about. They used my energetic field and turned me into a weapon. Yes, spiritual weapons exist and I didn’t even know about it. They made me believe they were using my energy field to hit other entities. I felt like canon balls were coming out of my aura. I felt like a killing machine. I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried but failed to stop them.
So I don’t know if I actually hurted other entities. I hope not. It wasn’t my purpose. But if I did I am so incredibely sorry. I can’t believe they managed to turn me into a weapon, how ? My healer talked about etheric implants that even some angels use like Metatron to modify the energetic field so it might be it but I’ll never know.
You don’t know how much they laughed about me those entities. They laughed and laughed and laughed they said I should be ashamed for doing this, that I was a bitch, worthless.
I also feel shameful because there were times where I was actually enjoying it. I was enjoying the power and the thrill. I was fighting but I felt all powerful, in a way I felt like the closest thing to the truest me there is. I felt myself in the fight, using magic, manipulating energy so they leave me alone. It’s the first time in my life I felt this much alive. Alive. In this fight or die mode, in the verge of completely losing my sanity.
When 7 personnalities inside me appeared in the midst of the madness I knew I was fucked. I knew I got splintered somehow, that my soul couldn’t take it and yet, yet I felt so alive.
When I thought I was losing my life that’s when I saw how alive I could be.
And then in the end when actual Death, the entity appeared to take me with her that’s when I felt the most fear. It wasn’t the nice angel of death it was grim and black and like a ghost. I saw the own reflection of my ghost self in the mirror and it was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. It was floating behind me, gripping me, waiting for me to die. Illusions I know but still. Still.
How do you ever recover from any of it.
It thought I lost my soul. They made me believe I lost my soul. And I FELT IT. I felt something leave my body and be replaced by something else, something not organic but manufactured, something dead. I don’t know what it was but it made me believe it, that I lost my soul, my spark. And I cried and cried but I didn’t cry enough. I feel I could cry a lifetime and it wouldn’t be enough for the pain I suffered.
So many gruesome things went through the portal. So many monsters. So many terrible entities and I don’t know what these entities will do to the people they come accross now. I don’t know. But I am sorry. I did everything I could thing of and it wasn’t enough.
And I thought I saw god. Once.
I raised my freqency so high trying to fight them, I raised it and raised it and I had a moment of grace.
A moment when I thought I all figured it out. I was walking and I was one with everything and with my higher self. I felt like Jesus. And I heard a voice “Do you see your design now ? Do you see your creation ?” I went walking that day and my mom thought I went out to kill myself off a bridge but in truth at that moment I saw what life was all about. I was life. I was god.
And I enjoyed it.
So not everything was bad.
But almost everything wasn’t right.
In truth my psyche was only trying to survive. In splitting it was trying to survive. In making me do moves to delay the time of death I was trying to survive. Waiting for death but trying to live.
And when Death came I didn’t want to follow her. She was so aweful and tried to make me do deals that were unbearable.
I can feel her grasp in my root chakra still and I shiver. So cold. So demanding.
What did I do to deserve to live this. What. I’ve never done harm in my life. Was it karma ? Did I do something like this to someone else in a past life ?
This was the most terrifying experience in my life.
Aliens poking in my head. Demons raping me. Being shamed. The time loop. Magic. Death paying me a visit. Almost getting posessed with my body not obeying me anymore and moving on it’s own. All my worst nightmares I never even thought about coming to life and for what ?
For what purpose ?
It just happens, bad luck ? Fuck this.
I didn’t deserve this. No one does. No one.
I don’t even know how I am alive right now and how I am not still stuck in it.
I got out. I got help. I cleaned everything and healed. I picked what was left of my brain and rebuilt my mind. Rebuilt my thinking. Rebuilt my courage.
I survived. And I am proud.
It will still haunt me. But I am here, safe and sound and those horrible entities are gone.
I hope for good.
I hope no one will ever experience what I’ve experienced.
I hope I get to help people with similar issues. I pray for them.
Thank you for reading