a story a don’t tell
When I was 14, I started talking to my best friends boyfriend. it began with relationship advice, he didn’t understand what he was doing wrong/what he could do better in his relationship with her. He told me everything about himself, his family, his relationship, and in turn I told him everything about me. My absent father, my sisters who ran away from home, my tough mother. He was my best friend, so when he ran away from home one night in the winter and was sleeping on a bench, I stayed on the phone with him all night Because his girlfriend fell asleep. Obviously looking back I feel like a horrible person because I was interjecting myself into their relationship. What I didn’t realize was he was just lining me up as his next conquest.
Then, on January 6th, I went over to his place without telling anyone. I knew at this point I felt strongly about him. I sat on the edge of his bed, in silence, as he laid over his sheet with his head on his pillow. I laid back, still not that near him, still in silence. Eventually I made my way next to him, and laid my head on his chest. I looked up at him, and he looked at me, and we kissed. He was still dating my best friend. I knew this, and still did it. He justified it by saying he would break up with her. In the end he couldnt, instead he treated her like shit until she broke up with him. After that, I asked her if it was okay for me to date him. She said yes. Later that day she said if I wanted to date him, we could not be friends anymore. I was devastated. I was losing my best friend.
eventually she changed her mind and said it was fine. We started dating and I was in heaven. I loved him so much. I turned 15 with him, and we did everything together. I went over to his place after school, on the weekends and in the summer. When summer school started, something changed...
he told me he needed a break. It took me completely by surprise... my world was ending... I cried for days, I cut my wrists, I didn’t eat. I was a shell. I had to see him every day in class, and he flaunted girls in front of me, saying they’re his new friends since his friends were too busy comforting me.I pled with him that I loved him and missed him... and finally one day he said he missed me too. Suddenly, we were together again. Everything was great and amazing.
when sophomore year started, we were great again, I was in love as always, and I thought he loved me too.
but just as soon as we were good, he needed another “break”. This time, I couldn’t handle it... I was starving, cutting, using lighters to burn my thighs, smoking cigarettes and sneaking alcohol at night. I was on auto pilot, going to school, then home. I spoke to no one, and my friend were scared of my mental health. One of them told a counselor who made to speak to a social worker. They thought something was wrong at home, I told them no. It was just about a boy and I was fine. This interaction woke me up from my fog. In the time we weren’t together he dated someone else. Someone I knew. That hurt too. This lasted about two months, then one day he texted me, said he missed me and wanted me back.
I was so excited I could cry, I did cry. I say yes without a second thought. I had my angel back. We were together again, but something was different. I was constantly on guard that he would leave me, constantly jealous that he would cheat or was cheating. I couldn’t be away from him.
one day we were hanging out and play wrestling, he hurt me pretty badly, I was bleeding. His excuse was that we were just messing around and to lighten up... this made me realize he didn’t physically care about me...
that night he call and said he needed a break. This was spring now.... just after spring break. I finally told him to make a choice, stay with me and tell me what I’m doing wrong so we won’t need a break, or leave and don’t come back to me. He said it’s over.
I cried, I was hysterical. I took all the items that reminded me of him, threw them in a bag, and left them in his garage on a Saturday morning.
after this, we spoke once or twice, he came up to me at my prom, and even sent me a Facebook message 4 years after our break up.
what I didn’t tell you in all this, was the emotional and physical abuse I endured. He constantly hung out and invited girls to his home, and made sure I knew, taunting me. All spring break he was in Israel with his family. I said nothing. While I was in Wisconsin for a weekend, he constantly baratead me with call and messages, accusing me of cheating, saying he was going to kill himself, and describing the cuts he was make on his body. I cried most of my trip.
he came to class with two girls, both wearing hooters shirts, soaking wet and all three covered in whip cream. He described their very fun morning of massages and such. While I again, wanted to die. He would pull my arm behind my back, even when it hurt.
he told me he didn’t like when I ate, because I got “dumb like my sister”. So I starved. I went from 180lbs to 125lbs in less than a year.
All the while, I loved him. Whole heartedly. We had baby names. I think if I didn’t give him an ultimatum, I would have been with him for years if not still. I didn’t see the abuse until I was out of it.
even after the four years, his Facebook message still sounded hopefully that we could be friends. Never did he acknowledge the mental and physical abuse. And I never saw it until others pointed it out.
I wanted to tell this story, because manipulators and abusers are all around, and you would never know.
if by some chance you read this, I won’t ever be your friend. Sorry not sorry.