This is my third time moving in the last 6 months. At least this one will last until may or so. Maybe my next move will be the last for awhile. We’ll see….

This stress will never leave me, so I might as well accept it now. Goddamn it.

Saturday 09.26.2020 | 8:54 CST

Alright so I didn’t get to update yesterday because it was kind of busy with my other classes and grocery shopping and just completely pooped out (I also have so many sausages in the fridge it’s kind of insane but there’s a reason behind it) but I’m here now!

I actually did pretty good on the exam surprisingly! I know what I need to go over for that class now for the next exam so I’ll prepare earlier and not be so stressed. My next couple exams are coming up though in less than two weeks. Three of them are consecutively next to each other so I really need to prepare. 

Lowkey already stressing me out but I’ll give myself a relaxing weekend. Also, my little kitten, Boba, is doing great. I woke up to him sleeping right by me so I scooped him up and he’s just– he’s actually trying to get to these new rat toys I got him right now, but yeah anyways he was just laying on my shoulder and it was the cutest thing.

Stay well, stay healthy, drink lots of water,

𝐿𝒶𝒹𝓎 𝑀𝒾𝓃𝓊𝒾𝓉 ❀

i hate being chronically stressed by default bc i’m mentally ill and neurodivergent n people around me just fucking???? refuse to understand???? like bitch if i say you’re stressing me out to an extreme and causing violent panic attacks don’t fuckingg get so offended????? wHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY THOSE jusT tO Be mEAN??! stop fucking whining jesus christ, you can’t vibe with everyone. denying that you’re stressing me out won’t fucking do shit???? just fucking accept that you’re horrible to be around for me??? you’re not pleasant, your vibes are fucking off and you’re panic inducing and stressful. get the stick out of your ass and stop thinking you’re such a good presence for literally everybody ever to exist. you’re not the fucking saint you think you are

Every day we encounter things that affect us in some way. Some are more positive and some are

How I am getting ready for job interview

I’m also listening BW and WW theme and trailer songs.

Geez, it can last up to 30 minutes

#14

Die zweite Phase der Trauma-Therapie hat begonnen..

Meine Therapeutin sagte, dass wenn ich dieses Trauma mit ihm aufarbeite, dinge aus meiner Vergangenheit auch hochkommen können, dadurch ich nicht nur dieses Erlebnis hatte..

Es ist ok.. Das andere Akzeptiere ich und belastet mich nicht mehr, doch die Zeit mit ihm, mit diesen Flashbacks, den Panikattacken und dieser Angst ist es schwierig zu Leben..

Ich muss es verarbeiten!..

Die frage, meiner Therapeutin war "warum hast du das mit dir machen lassen" ..

Meine Antwort war "ich hatte Angst vor ihm.. Sein bösartiger Blick hat mir Angst gemacht"…

Die nächste frage meiner Therapeutin

“hat dich dieser Blick an jemanden erinnert?”..

.. Und dann passierte es, da wurde mir klar von was sie geredet hat mit meiner Vergangenheit..

Ich schweifte mit meinen Gedanken ab,

ich war wieder dort bei ihm.. Vor ihm.. Er schaute mich an mit seinem bösartigen Blick und seinem arroganten Grinsen, so wie es immer war..

Es fühlt sich wirklich an als wär man dort, als wär das real, als ob man einen Zeitsprung gemacht hat und man nicht mehr in der Gegenwart ist..

Ich sah ihn an und dann war er dieser eine Mann, der mich als Teenager sexuell missbraucht hat…

Da ist es mir wieder eingefallen, dieser selbe Blick.. Dasselbe Arrogante lächeln..

Mir wurde wieder schwindlig.. Ich bekam keine Luft und konnte mich nicht mehr bewegen…

Meine Therapeutin weiß wie man Menschen sofort wieder in die Gegenwart bringt!…

Es fängt jetzt langsam an Sinn zu machen..

Mein Unterbewusstsein hat sich bei ihm an das Erlebnis als Kind erinnert, deshalb hatte ich so Angst vor ihm..

Das mit dem "nicht bewegen können" wenn ich an ihn denke, ist vielleicht auch wegen dem "nicht bewegen können" als ich den sexuellen Missbrauch erlebt habe.

Von selbst wär ich vermutlich nie darauf gekommen..

Ich hab schon ewig nicht mehr bewusst über das Erlebnis in meiner Kindheit nachgedacht, weil es für mich nicht mehr Thema ist..

Nach der Therapie Stunde kreisten meine Gedanken und ich war einfach traurig, doch jetzt ein paar Tage später, bin ich irgendwie erleichtert..

Erleichtert, weil meine Frage "Warum?“ endlich Antworten bekommt..

Es wird bestimmt ein sehr schwieriger weg, doch am Ende hab ich es geschafft!..

Nur das zählt!

How to not stress eat when you’re stressed 24/7 ??

Fasciathérapie Deux-Sèvres médecine chinoise

Are you a forex newbie? Here are some tips to improve your learning curve.

Husband: I was thinking I’d get a medium. What were you thinking?

Me: I was gonna get a large cuz I’m eating my feelings today

today I noticed the little things. the fresh scent of a new bar of soap, the cozy warmth of slipping on a pair of socks, the sweet flavor of peach tea. it gave me a sense of control, a break from the stress of the weekdays, the anxiety and the overwhelming feeling I get from schoolwork.

Hey. Hi.

I’m fucking stressed.

The Dreams

(For context, the tattoo I have is very meaningful to me and represents someone very close to me.)

° 9/22 ° Boating on the bayou is surely no simple task, given there’s bound to be an alligator or two somewhere along with all of the dense reeds. Yet here I am with two or three other people that seem to be my friends. The sky a patchwork quilt of soft blues and greys above us as old abandoned fun houses sit peacefully along the waters edge. Our boats drift about aimlessly as we enjoy eachothers company. And somehow I end up in the murky brown. We all have a good laugh as I tread water before being able to find my footing along the bottom.

I feel something change, my stomach drops, and I’m suddenly filled with a panic as my forearm tingles ever so slightly. Gently even. I look, and in terror watch as the ink of my dragonfly releases from my skin and fades into the surrounding water. The blue, the black, the gold, all drifting away to disappear into the brown. By the time I am able to react and pull my arm away, only a small fragment of the heart on its chest is left.

An alligator would be welcome compared to the absolute terror I woke up in.

° 9/23 ° Under a dark and dreary sky the decay of an old barn beckons to me. Almost completely enshrouded in tangled vines and twisting trees, one would miss it if they did not look close enough. Excitement bubbles lightly inside me as I approach. Others are with me, possibly the same from the bayou, but I am unable to recognize them and they seem to be hidden from sight. As if they are figments of my imagination. Or ghosts. Inside it is barren, devoid of anything but cobwebs hanging from the old beams and livestock stalls.

This barn was well loved at one time in its day. The stone troughs are worn along the edges by the feeding animals and the care that must have gone into building and maintaining has created such a long lasting structure. Scenes of the barn filled with light and bustling with activity flash in front of me before quietly fading away.

I make my way down the center isle and climb the ladder into the loft. From here I admire the rafters and watch the dust particles drift along, feeling at peace. Crouching down to look over the stalls, I catch something out of the corner of my eye. My arm. The dragonfly is still gone. That small piece of thorax with the visible heart still the only thing left.

I, again, wake up in a panic.

° 9/24 ° I don’t remember much of this dream. All that is prevalent to me is that I hit you. I have NEVER been able to hit ANYTHING in my dreams before. As hard as I’ve tried. As much as I’ve wanted to. The dream was fun, I remember that. I was hanging out with people I didn’t know but seemed to be my friends. And then you were there, said some very shitty things, and I slapped you. I hate to say it felt good.

But it did.

I don’t want to lose you.

— Stressed and Confused

YEAH I’VE GAINED WEIGHT BUT MY MIND IS STILL THE SAME 

[a 24/7 hel7l7]

Und ich hab schon jetzt keine Lust auf Weihnachten…. Es verliert mit jedem Jahr mehr und mehr an Spaß… Ich hab auf das ganze einfach keine Lust mehr…. Am liebsten würde ich mich für die Feiertage einfach in Koma legen lassen…. Wird wieder eine super Zeit bis Januar…

Today been a SPICY day:

• coming back after a multi-day switch
• Trauma theme bad dreams
• got called into work to cover for a coworker, WHERE MY BRAND NEW MANAGER QUIT ON THE SPOT TODAY AND LEFT (lots of gossip)
• and I’ve been questioning my gender lately and on the drive home I was kind of hit with that big ol’ reminder since I haven’t really thought about in a minute..
• I’m generally stressed and frustrated with a lot of things and today felt like a really heavy day.

The brain spice is really spicy today.

Heading into Friday with a lecture to prep and record about perception, 20ish assignments to grade about online impression management, and 25 papers to grade on listening to silence (deep thoughts, right?).

I’m so tired y’all. I know many of you can relate. My jaw hurts from it being tense all day. The attachment therapist never called me back this week. I tried to reach her this afternoon, but it was a no go.

I have a pot roast cooking in the oven and my house smells amazing. Waiting for Ms. 6 to return from CC practice so we can dig in. Lest you think I make amazing meals all the time, we partook in Fast Food Friday for lunch today which was the drive thru at the very high brow Golden Arches.

I finally got Ms. 6 and DS going in school this week. DS got the last of his curriculum yesterday. Finally. DS is attending band in regular public school as well as running CC there. I still need to round our curriculum for Ms. 6 with foreign language and math. I actually have a math curriculum here (well, two), but I need to really look at it to see if it will work for her.

Today I took DS to get a haircut, shuttled Ms. 6 to and from work, managed NB at home, who is feeling under the weather with a cold, walked Baby and E to school (E goes for services like OT), picked E up from school, ran to the butcher to pick up our order, shuttled DS back and forth to band, got Baby off the bus, graded a couple of discussion questions for different classes, and did a load of laundry.

I had hoped to sleep last night and watch TV, but because NB wasn’t feeling well, neither of those things materialized. Hoping it will tonight. (Also, cue all of the anxiety because we have TPR trial soon, which means we have a pre-trial hearing next week where it will be decided if we are actually going to go forward with the trial. 800 things have occurred this week leaving me wondering if this is actually going to be a go or not.)