Maddie talks about depression.
Talking about depression is kinda hard because every time I do, I start to feel guilty because I know there are so many other people who have it worse than me. It’s not like I’m starving or abused or homeless. All my problems are just in my head, and a lot of it is my own laziness.
My depression comes from my anxiety and stress. While certain stressors are no longer part of my life —school was hell, and I’m very glad I don’t have to be there anymore— there are still many things which stress me out. First is my general incompetency and fear of never accomplishing anything.
Truth be told, I kinda suck at... everything. I can’t cook anything complicated, I don’t know how to pay taxes or bills, I can’t learn to drive because I’m terrified of death, I suck at social skills, and I’ve never had a job. In other words, I’m not independent, and it’s honestly really embarrassing and makes me feel guilty.
While I could learn how to do those first two more easily than the others, I really am genuinely scared of driving and I don’t know how to fix that. Quick candid run-down, I’ve tried antidepressants and therapy, but the only thing that’s helped is anti-anxiety medication (buspirone, for the curious). Even then, it’s not a magic fix.
For social skills... That’s a tough one. I have trouble making a keeping friends. Just a couple months ago I had a falling out with a friend, and it’s really bummed me out. I feel lonely a lot of the time. I don’t really know if social skills are something that can be learned. It doesn’t help that I have social anxiety on top of everything else.
As for a job... Just thinking about it causes me anxiety. I know it’s both a social obligation and (supposed to be) a point of pride, not to mention the money, but I’m terrified of feeling trapped again in the same way I did at school. Plus, to have a job I need to drive, which brings us back to my fear of death.
I’ve realized the only thing that can partially help that fear would be having children, but I don’t know how I’m going to manage that either. I’m not attractive, my personality isn’t that likable, and what’s worse I’m running out of time to find a husband. If a woman is over thirty, chances of her children being born unhealthy start to increase. That’s only five years away for me.
Of course before I can even start thinking of marriage and kids, I have to get my own life together, because how am I supposed to care for kids if I can’t even care for myself? Which brings me back to getting a job. The only thing I’m really good at is writing. My art is still too lacking for me to rely on it. I’m both a perfectionist and a procrastinator, which makes me feel even more guilty for being lazy if I’m not constantly working on something.
My greatest accomplishment in life is a half-finished rarepair fanfic featuring a character who— Well. I don’t even know if I know him anymore. For years I poured everything I had into Vanitas, and... I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say this whole KHUX situation has broken my spirit.
I know that it’s ‘just fiction’ and I keep trying to tell myself that, but I know the truth is that Vanitas means so much more to me than ‘just fiction’. I’m not sure I could say exactly why he’s so important to me —though I have tried— but he just... is.
I’ve already gone over my stress from online harassment. In some ways that, combined with the TOS on every website telling me that my art isn’t allowed, has really worn me down. Overall, everything combined makes me... not really want to create Kingdom Hearts content anymore. Which isn’t something anyone wants to hear. Trust me, I don’t want to stop, either, but... sometimes I wonder if I need to stop.
I feel like I need to stop thinking about Kingdom Hearts, about Vanitas, and focus on my own original writing, since thinking about what’s happening to him is making me so miserable. With original writing, there wouldn’t be any stupid retcons because I could control the characters. I could make all the characters 18+ to satisfy the stupid antis and TOS. I could sell my work and maybe that could become my job. I wouldn’t need to drive yet because I could do it in my own home.
But...
But if I abandon my fanfics, even just to go on a hiatus, then I’ll disappoint everyone. That’s my rock and my hard place. That’s guilt.
My mom paid $120,000 on my college tuition, and I wasted it and four whole years in a tiny dorm room on an animation degree that I’ll never use. That’s guilt.
Guilt is stress and stress is anxiety and anxiety is depression.
Everything, everything here, is just too much for me to handle and my mind gets overwhelmed and collapses and swirls into this abyss of grey. I just feel stuck in one place that I can’t get out of.
For the last couple weeks I’ve been a depression blob. That is to say, laying around and not doing anything. Not working because it’s too much effort. Not doing anything fun, because it’s too much effort. Not getting up to eat until I’m starving, because it’s too much effort. Just typing this all out is almost too much effort.
And this is where I come across as lazy and a complainer, because as I said, it’s all just in my head, and the guilt from that just makes me feel even worse. Other people handle life just fine. Why am I so bad at it?
...My biggest stressor right now is finishing this Venqua fic and making sure it’s perfect. It’s supposed to be funny and sexy but I feel like neither right now. But I really do want to finish it, and as soon as possible, because I know everyone’s excited and waiting on me.
I want to be able to have fun when I write. I don’t want it to feel like a chore. I think if I could just get through this one fic, then I can start on my original work and learn the life skills I need. But even then, chapter thirteen of A Heart and a Half would be next, and then fourteen, and so on. I don’t have time to do all these things at once.
I just don’t want to feel trapped.
