I hate this so much
I hate living in a world where you can not rest, where you have to be productive every second of every day.
I hate living in a world where the only thing important is grades and being book intelligent, where everything I am is a letter or a number
I hate living in my body, where I do not feel myself, like I do not fit in it, and having people commenting on it like it is something that belongs to them, no me.
I hate that for whatever fucking reason my brain can only write shit on English, which is not my first language, and therefore I can not express myself like I want in my FIRST FUCKING LANGUAGE!
I hate that I have to keep going, that I have to smile and be happy and enjoy life because I did it! I leave my home country to get a better education, so I have to be grateful, and be successful.
I hate that I am not. I miss my family, I miss my country, and I miss my grandparents who right now are in the hospital because of COVID.
I hate that I been crying all day because my grandparents are not getting any better so I am just here, an ocean away, thinking that I gonna lost them. But tomorrow I have a test.
I hate that I may have ADHD, but I can not get a proper diagnosis, just speculations, and when I tell people I can not focus they responses are always "you just have to motivate yourself more"
I hate that my brain does not collaborate with me, I have this test tomorrow and I want to study, I really want, but I just can not. I have everything but where do I start, which part, how.
I hate what I am studying now. And my university, who make me go on this shit, "exchange program", bullshit. I have to take all my test to pass my semester when I am back to my country, so everything I do here does not count.
I hate that they send me to study A DIFFERENT CARRER! "It is not different, you will be fine" yeah, no. It is different, and I am not fine.
I hate living so much right now.