Blue Black Permanent (Margaret Tait, 1992)
Blue Black Permanent (Margaret Tait, 1992)
Everything is going good but it’s time to mess things up
young l3x - drown pt.2
ifb similar blogs♡
bad to being sad
(tw: abuse, self-harm, depression, suicide)
it’s been a year, it’s been a motherfucking year.
i saved a log of our messages during our break up month. i wanted to see if i was the one at fault, if i was really a bad girlfriend like what he says. but i never really had the guts to thoroughly read our convos and recall what happened. i wasnt really ready to feel the pain once again. after our break up, i distracted myself with a whole lot of things, created a lot of coping mechanisms, and just ran away from the thought of him. i can barely talk about him without feeling like shit whenever im sober . i made up with the girl that i thought he used to cheat with me. she was my friend and she said that they didnt have a thing before we broke up. i dont know if that made me feel better because i also knew that he went out with other girls probably just for sex. it felt less painful because i only heard about that months after our break up so i was kinda moved on. i actually moved on with him a bit quickly. i didnt feel sad because we ended our relationship, i felt sad because of the bullshits that he had done to me.
being manipulated really sucks. he was my first boyfriend and he gave me trust issues, he brought back my self-harm issues, and my depression issues. i was at my lowest after our 3 months of relationship and i suffered for another 4 months. i hated him for being the reason why i almost killed myself and i dont think that i could ever forgive him for that. he didnt even sincerely apologized after all that bullshits. he made me look bad to my friends and tried to tell our classmates that i was the bad one. in the end of the year, he was the one left alone because everyone knew that he was the trashy one.
i dont even know what benefit i could get from re-reading our conversation, besides from laughing at how idiotic my ex was and how cringey i am as a girlfriend. im honestly not sure if seeing how vulnerable i was and how he was able to remarkably manipulate me would do me any good. im still not even done reading all of it, i just read partially and yet i already feel like shit. i am trying to learn my lesson, i am now fully aware of those red flags that i should avoid and how to keep my guards up. but still, why does it hurt my heart while reading our arguments? why does it still pains me to see how he tells me those hurtful words? why does it still saddens me to remember how he made me cry and feel miserable?
i thought i could heal through time, but its already been a year and i’m still in pain.
Once again. Everyone tells me to get help and reach out.
But help is getting told I’m inconvenient and overreacting.
Telling me that my ED that I’ve battled for 13 years will go away if I “just eat”.
Or my personal favorite… that I just need to breathe and relax ￼.
May is “We acknowledge mental health is a big deal but we also don’t give a shit” Month.
I’m so tired of fighting for my own life when all it comes with is misery and exhaustion
Just let me die so I can finally sleep and be at peace.
Mmm love waking up first thing in the morning to take 10 Tylenol PM and drink two cups of coffee
My former student( when she was in Grade 7) commit suicide today. This news saddened me. I always remember her for she is one of the few students who never forget her teacher even if I am not her teacher anymore. In fact, in random occasion, she would ask for a hug but she never told me the things bothering her. I wish then, I was able to hug her tighter and tell her how I appreciate her.
ne1 with a car wanna run me over?
Topie smutki w alkoholu
Może i ja sie kiedyś w nim utopie…
It gets lonely when you know you’re in a bad place so for once you decide to try and reach out but simply end up blankly staring at the phone screen looking at the names of you’re friends and realising you can’t actually talk to any of them
I knew I could never open up to my parents the day I found out my mother told my father the one thing I asked her not to. She promised she wouldn’t and then she did it anyway. When I told my father between sobs that I wanted to hurt myself he asked “how do you want to hurt yourself? Tell me. I’ll slap you twice and you’ll feel all the pain you want”. He said my anxiety was due to my lack of interest in everything around me. He said that me saying I wanted to hurt myself was just me trying to make up excuses. When I told him about my trauma he said it didn’t matter because it was a really long time ago and I was too young anyway. He went on about how so many other people had it worse and I should just move on. I was sobbing in front of my parents and neither of them gave a fuck. They blamed me. They told me everything I was doing and saying was a tactic to gain fake sympathy. That’s the day I realized I hate my parents. That’s the day I knew I could never open up to them again.
is it possible to have episodes of depersonalisation/derealisation without having the disorder?
and/or is it just indicative that things are getting bad again?
nothing feels real. i dont feel any connection to myself. i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant concentrate. when i talk im either really loud and fast, stuttering, mumbling, rambling and repeating myself or not engaging whatsoever
im having more common and severe intrusive thoughts, self harm urges, reckless behaviour and suicidal thoughts/ideation. but im constantly filled with anxiety and im always shaky and it’s so hard to breathe all the time and im so afraid of everything
**i havent been diagnosed yet (for several reasons) but im 99.8% sure i have bipolar disorder. i have a lot of the symptoms for bipolar, but i cant really tell which type because i can only base it purely on my own experiences with my emotions. a psychiatrist would be able to compare my situation with a specific rubric or checklist i guess
**ive felt like this before; that nothing is real. but it’s not constant. it’s usually only when things get really, really bad either way. i havent been hospitalised, but i’ve had two suicide attempts. i’ve had many more suicidal behaviours and ““minor”” attempts (doing something that could kill me, but probably wont, in the hopes that i will actually die) but only really two major attempts
i dont know anymore.
Just let me die
Seriously i don’t belong here
I don’t know where i belong
I am so lost
Constantly anxious is exhausting
I don’t even have anywhere or anybody
I could go to
Just to feel safe again
To speak with out constant commentary or advice
To just be heard
Although i don’t deserve kindness
I should die
Nowhere feels safe
Day off today, kinda wishing I didn’t exist