man at my work that talks to me about sonic and sometimes nights but he only knows about the 90s classic versions and asks me what the things on my chao shirt are and i go into detail about their a-life system being based on the nightopian a-life system:
truly from the bottom of my heart, fuck my stupid baka life
#mentally illing again #negative #god everything sucks so bad i just wanna fucking kms #its like all i can think about. i shouldve done it sooner. it shouldve done it when i started getting suicidal at 12 or 13 #i shouldve died in an accident #i shouldve died those couple times i almost did from illness in the hospital #i shouldve died mid 2018 when my life was the best its ever been #so i couldve died knowing happiness #i should do it now because my bf will get over it and be happier without me #i should. . shouldve... #what the fuck #my heads so full of this fuck shit 24 7 #and my utter social incompetence has me here with no one but my bf to turn to for support #and he gets so sick of it like every fucking normal person because no one wants to hear someone talking abt killing themselves every single #fucking day #fuck fuck fuck #fuck #im tired of this #ive tried meds ive tried therapy but its just. man #idk anymore #i dont want to feel like this #suicide
I made (well, remade) this song in honor of suicide awareness month. For more information, please refer to the link I have enclosed below. Mental health concerns are nothing to dismiss, so please remember to be considerate of others, and if you are struggling, please make it known, you are very much worthy of help. Please enjoy, and thank you for listening!
#personal #okay so uhhhh #watching 11x17 #and its been great so far #but at the moment where dean is gonna OD to bargain for his brothers life and i just #nope#quit it #bc ive seen those pills in my hand and it was literally #after dan died and #i thought it was to get him back too #its too close to home #suicide cw
Top ten freak Nick moments (Tw discussion of a past suicide attempt)
"What about the Vespa?"
"It's yours. Keep it." Nick puffs his cigarette. "I'll just throw myself down the stairs or something and tell him I crashed it."
"You really don't have to do that, Nick."
"It's fine, Beto."
"I don't want the Vespa if it's just gonna get you in trouble."
Nick leans down, tilting Alberto's chin up with one gloved hand so their gazes meet. "I want you to have it. You don't have to worry about me. I'll take care of it." He plants a firm kiss between Alberto's eyes, straightens. "Besides, this wouldn't be the first time I've "gotten drunk" and "crashed" something."
"What do you mean?"
Nick blows out his cheeks, looks up at some point on the roof. "Oh, just some stupid shit I did when I was-- yeah, I think I was around 16, too. I maybe wrapped my uncle's car around a tree and broke my leg. And he maybe pretends the .02 I blew means I was totally hammered and definitely not trying to get myself killed." Nick gives a little jazz-hands. "It's a mystery!" The smile falls and Nick's eyes roll. "He'll get on my ass for like a day and then pretend it never happened. Trust me, it'll be fine."
"I just don't like it when you get hurt," Alberto says in a small voice.
Nick chuckles, leans down again. "You're so sweet, Beto." And here he reaches for Alberto's hand, holds it just to tap on the ends of Alberto's fingers as if he could pop each claw out. Staring at Alberto with that sly, knowing smirk. "But we both know I have a high pain tolerance."
I had a dream last night that I was sadly walking along a river/canal way thing, thigh-deep in water, knowing and willingly walking towards a dangerous drop off/rapids/something bad. And I was singing sadly- it was some serious Les Mis shit.
Then I heard a tiny meow
And there was a rocky outcropping nearby, and a cat had just given birth to 3 beautiful tiny kittens. And it was so cold out, and here they were stranded in the river.
So I gathered them up and took them home to keep them warm and safe.
Laying it on a little thick today, aren't we, brain?
Drew two more members of Suicide's Circus. Everyone, meet Soap and Rope! 💧Soap is always soaking wet, but she doesn't mind. Surprisingly, she doesn't smell very good, despite what her name might make you think.
☂️Rope has a tight rope balancing act, so she uses her umbrella to do impressive tricks (it's purely decorative; she doesn't want to get it wet!) Rope is also great with ribbon wands and ballet, so she can do multiple acts at Suicide's Circus!
I had a dream that there was a new book/movie was really hyped. The book is like Christmas/Romance movie, although some people do tend to try not call categorise it as a Christmas and instead a "Movie that is released during Christmas and has some Christmas themes." Because of its plot.
So basically it's about a girl and a guy who probably like eachother and then they get separated in the chaos of the bustling city for a while, and there's a part where they think the girl died by committing suicide jumping off a building (This is why some don't want to call it a Christmas movie). I honestly have no idea what else happens, but basically the writing and story is good, and it's popular because everyone is talking about how they put a suicide in a Christmas movie, even if it turned out to be fake, and imagine if it was real and what kind of a ruckus that would have caused.
I legitimately thought this might be referencing a real thing, and if it isn't I really hope someone makes it real.
There should be this thing and this will be a bad explanation but let me explain
So let's say you are watching a movie on Netflix. And you see the warning like "suicide and nudity". If you don't want to watch a movie with suicide in it then you will just skip that movie that's great that they warned you. But if you don't care about that they you just might have gotten something spoiled. Also there are some more specific triggers that aren't usually put there because that would be a mess. It would be good if you could choose the triggers you don't want to see and the ones you want to be warned about. This way let's say you search a movie and it has suicide in it and you don't want to see it. So on it it says this has a trigger you don't want to see. This way nothing is spoiled to anyone and if you want to see a clarification then you can click on it and check. If you want to be informed about a trigger then a similar thing would happen. It's like this movie contains a trigger you asked to be warned about and you click on it and you can check what it is and decide if you are in the mood for it.
I know this would be kinda a lot of work but for some things it would really help
Like I'm paranoid and I once watched a movie where a plot twist was something I'm paranoid about. So obviously I wouldn't want that warning to be displayed when you start watching it but because of this I was pretty paranoid for the rest of the day. So if I chose it as something I don't wanna see/I want to be warned about I would know what I'm signing up for without spoiling the movie to anyone (and by having 2 levels of triggers like I said I wouldn't need to check the triggers and spoil anything if it was something that doesn't bother me THAT much)
This way this shit wouldn't ruin my day (honestly it ruined 2 days) but again without spoilers.
I know it's a lot of work I'm just saying there are lists of triggers like that already why not just use one of them I feel like it wouldn't be that hard and it would be so fucking helpful and would get rid of the fucking spoilers.
#I mentioned suicide and paranoia here but just mentioned the fact that it exists so idk if that needs a trigger warning or not #But since this is about trigger warnings #Veryyyy slight suicide and paranoia mention tw
Connor hugged Ava outside of the restaurant, and held her tight for a few moments, "That was a terrifying video."
Ava nodded, giving a half-hearted chuckle as she pulled away, "It was a lot. There's a lot that the media is getting wrong, or just making up."
"I don't read tabloids to get my information, Ava, you know me."
The two were seated at a secluded table in the corner of the restaurant. The average dining guest wouldn't be able to see whether someone was in the booth, much less recognize who was in the booth.
"How did Jaffrey take all of this?" Connor questioned, once drinks were well on their way.
Ava snorted, "Terribly. Had a meeting yesterday, I've got a fake dating situation heading my way."
Connor fake-gagged, "Gross. Who with?"
"Give you one guess. Model-influencer turned singer-songwriter."
"Yeah, Sarah Reese," Ava took a bite of complimentary bread slathered in butter, "I don't think I know anyone that's worked with her."
"I mean, I worked near her like four years ago on a Gucci shoot, but that wasn't really together and there's been nothing since then," Connor shrugged, spreading butter on a piece of his own bread, "She seemed fine back then, though."
"Wow, glowing review for someone I'm about to date. Thanks, Connor, you've really comforted my fears," She rolled her eyes, "But, I don't know, all I need to do is pretend to date her, speak highly of her, and have her on tour. I don't have to love her, I just have to work with her."
"It helps to not hate the people you work with, though. How long will you be together?"
"I don't know," Ava groaned, "It's TBD. We really only have a fleshed out plan for the next, what, two weeks?"
"When do you go public?"
"Sometime during pride month, that's all I know," The waiter brought their drinks: A bottle of some sort of red wine for them to share, a coke for Ava, and a glass of water for Connor.
"I don't understand how you can pair soda with wine," Connor shook his head, sipping the maroon liquid, "Weirdo."
"Can't say no to a good coke," Ava shrugged, "Plus, all they had was lukewarm apple juice in the psych ward. Let me have this."
"I suppose I can make an exception. Anyways, 'sometime during pride month' isn't too long from now. June's in like, a week and a half. So you've got what, a month at most?"
"I will enjoy my month of freedom, thank you very much," She said, sarcastically, "Just kidding, we have to do this whole build-up to make it seem real."
"Hm, what's the schedule look like?"
"Well, this week I have two talk shows, and some charity event for the therapy dog organization that works with the hospital I was in, and then next week Sarah and I have our first outing, another talk show, another outing, another talk show, and then a few more outings before we announce the song we're doing together, do some talk shows, and then go public. Busy."
"Busy," Connor agreed, "What shows?"
"This week? Hot on Humpday and The Saturday Grapevine."
"Hah, you're interviewing with Doris? That'll be good!"
"Good? More like obnoxious and intrusive. Whatever though, I'm supposed to be as open as possible so nobody thinks I'm trying to hide anything."
"Are you going to lie or tell the truth?" Connor inquired, sipping on his wine.
"I'm going to tell the truth: I was sick, now I'm better," She shrugged, stuffing her face with bread.
"You've been sick for a long time, Ava."
"Yeah, but now I'm better."
They ordered their meals shortly after. Lasagna for Ava, a childhood favorite, and Melanzane di Parmigiana for Connor.
"I don't understand how you can enjoy eggplant," Ava made a face, "That alone would be enough to send me back to the mental illness prison."
Connor laughed, "It's an acquired taste! You have to eat it multiple times before you enjoy it."
"Yeah, I'm not a masochist, sorry."
"So what about your real love life?" Connor pried after a moment.
"I met and slept with this chick this last weekend at a party," She sipped her coke, "She was fine I think, I don't know, and I got her number but I don't think I'm going to do anything else with her."
"They really do just fall at your feet, don't they?" Connor looked off, surveying the restaurant, "You could probably put together an orgy just in this restaurant."
"Ugh, don't even get me started about it," Ava rolled her eyes sarcastically, "Being sexy is such a burden."
Connor choked on his water, coughing up a storm. Ava laughed, throwing several napkins at him and earning dirty looks from some of the finer patrons of the restaurant.
"You're awful," Connor remarked, regaining his breath, "You're going to get us kicked out."
A short while later, their meals arrived. Ava rolled her eyes in ecstasy when she tasted her food, "After the psych ward, everything tastes like heaven. And I can use a fork."
Connor shook his head with a smile, "I still wouldn't trust you with a fork."
They ate quietly for a few minutes, occasionally sipping their drinks or wiping their faces of sauce.
"You should have visited," Ava looked up from her meal at him, "You would have thought it was hilarious."
Connor hesitated, "I wasn't allowed to."
"I don't know, Downey wouldn't even tell me where you were being kept, or even a phone number. I guess Jaffrey didn't want anyone visiting you, they were worried that it would tip off the press."
Ava hummed, "That makes sense, I guess," She poked at her food, "Shame. Whatever, I'll live."
"You wish you wouldn't."
"Connor, that was wildly inappropriate. What would you do if I actually killed myself?"