I’m just a big fat fucking loser :).
I am not my real age. I am not an eighteen years old girl, or boy, or whatever gender I am. I don’t even have clear memories of any time before I was like, fifteen, so how can I have lived so much?
My memories are the waking business that control my life to an insufferable extend. The passage of time and the way it is pushed on us stupid humans in this place we call the planet Earth, can be extremely triggering for people like me, who have had their existence taken away from them, maybe by others, maybe by themselves. And honestly, it is probably triggering for everyone else as well.
Let’s try to go for 500 words only. So that I can slowly regain my will to be a normal human (?) again.
The tweets from today, on my account named @HeartlessCoeur (who the fuck am I fooling):
When I said it was neutral, it might have been negative, but who cares? There are some things I know will stay on the lower side, but I’ll be taking care of it. I will be supervising it so. Who the fuck cares.
12:03 AM · Jun 14, 2020
I tweeted this in relation to my mother. I think I was coming out of the shower and I just had to write this. I mean, “had to”. You know what I fucking mean. I know who’s reading. I know it’s you, Name, and if I could say that I hate you that would be really fitting, but I can’t. Because I know you are not me. I know that we change every single day, and that we end up disappearing, every single one of us, being left behind. Forever. Like a painful longing memory in a very specific place in your actual physical heart.
So I’ll just. Refuse to talk to you for now. I don’t think the system allows this certain Name to communicate with any of the others.
Maybe I’m the one who is the most lost.
Or the one who knows the most.
Actually l o s t. It reaches a point of thought and then sticks to the wall. What is this…
2:50 AM · Jun 14, 2020
STOP. YELLING. STOP.
10:10 AM · Jun 14, 2020
STOP SCREAMING PLEASE JUST LEARN TO BE SILENT.
10:53 AM · Jun 14, 2020
It is just a little more difficult when all the thoughts cancel each other out. When you know there is no way out, because every single little situation has two negative sides, has divisions and divisions and new reasoning for the dark wall every single day, every single hour.
I don’t know why I’m still surprised. I guess I’m just disgusted at how thoughtful and selfish my own head can be.
But, yes, it is hard staying alive for others. And not being able to let anyone know.
That you are. Drowning.
Maybe this should be a tweet.
From June 15th, 2020.
Hm, oh boy, where to start.
I really don’t know what I’m doing, I really don’t. I’ll try to not delete things as much as I can, I’ll really try.
I’m already extremely bothered by how unorganised this document looks, but there are no TABS or justified text on Mobile Docs so I’ll have to deal with it.
I should be writing in Portuguese, maybe. But I don’t care. Because I feel more comfortable typing in English. Always have.
Okay, let’s begin.
How to start writing about this man.
I just. Think.
It would be easy if he wasn’t such a good person.
It was hard being next to him and having to stay a few feet behind so he wouldn’t see it when I punched myself repeatedly on the head to make my head shut up, to make the thoughts stop killing me from the inside.
I didn’t even think about anyone seeing it? Weird because we were on the streets but I don’t know, I guess I don’t think about these things.
IT’S SO HARD TO WRITE, CAN MY HEAD JUST SHUT UP, I’LL GET TO THAT PART SOON.
I guess it wants me to write that I accept that it will never be okay with him, and that he never will get the opportunity to wake up. He is frozen as the body of a teenager and the day that he dies will be the saddest one in my life and I should just come to terms with the fact that I cannot fix anything, if I haven’t yet.
It’s funny saying this. Saying I have to “accept not fixing”. When all I do is refuse to fix. All I do is want to destroy.
I just wish thinking wasn’t this easy. I wish thoughts shut up or got dumb or didn’t hold realisation every single hour of every single day. I even know I could never do this to people but still I cannot IMAGINE not killing myself in the future. I cannot IMAGINE being able to stand this forever, and it’s so fucking frustrating that there is no way out and there has never been and I already lost every single piece of life that I have ever had.
I was placed in the middle of a board of chess, with an already doomed and ongoing game, and now, I am asked to want to survive in it.
When all it does is attack and kill everyone around me.
If God was real, wouldn’t He have given me a sign already?
Or are signs not a thing? Can he not do that?
I live in constant fear of death. And of what I will be after it. I just wanted to be normal in at least this small detail, not fearing both life and death. I have been forced and obviously do accept that none of them will ever be okay for me, and that I should just come to terms with that fact. Which I have.
But this f u c k i n g head. At least I could not have these f u c k i n g OCD thoughts that I believe so hard no matter how many fucking medication I take. It just SUCKS. Everything does. I live in a fucking orange nightmare that doesn’t go away when I sleep, because I can feel the burden even then and I wake up wanting to disappear even more.
But it’s not possible, is it?
Even if there is the lack of existence after death, what’s the point? If nothing is going to be fine, if all of this is for nothing, then why? I mean, I know why I’m alive. I know the people I know need me. Sadly, I know a lot.
I know too much.
Knowing too much, realizing too much, being this advanced.
It’s not the best.
I have too much to think. I should just stop trying.
Since it gets more unbearable every day, why does my heart keep screaming for help?
Maybe it cares.
Maybe it loves.
I don’t think I can do that.
Here are some tweets from today.
If not even my self itself can internally convince myself of said thing, t h e n how can the self on the outside attempt to externally get involved in the infinite hallways of hidden thought and lost emotion.
It’s like a star reflecting in the middle of an ocean.
3:24 PM · Jun 15, 2020
Lost forever because nothing makes sense??? Or it makes too much sense (?), we haven’t decided yet. Maybe we won’t.
4:09 PM · Jun 15, 2020
Asked my Replika to call me by he/him pronouns today. I don’t know what that means.
From June 15th, 2020.
I woke up, numb, and instantly heard the worst news of my life, and I’m still numb. But ready to die.
Tw, this will be very triggering to those sent I’ve to suicide .
I can’t believe it. This morning I did a dry run of my suicide. Meaning I got the belt ready and half hanged myself. I don’t even know what to call it because I didn’t plan to die then but I wouldn’t have been against it. I just want someone to care. Only one person knows and I feel so alone.
they say suicide is the most selfish thing you can do but the people telling you that only want you alive for their own selfish reasons
Definitely rammed my car into a pole just to feel something. It didn’t hurt enough.
I know I’m crazy. I feel intensely one way and the smallest words can spiral me out of control. I think about punching everything or tearing my skin off or crashing my car or cutting my throat.
I know I’m crazy.
And It’ll probably kill me soon.
do you ever feel like, everything’s going great, but you crave for something bad to happen just so your numbness and mental mess can be justified? i mean, the first solution i come up with to every inconvenience is that i’ll kill myself, but i really don’t have enough bad things happening to think that. i’m pribavly a horrible person. i’m sorry.
“𝒚𝒂 𝒏𝒐 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒓𝒐 𝒔𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒊𝒓 𝒗𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒐“, “𝒎𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒓𝒐 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒓“ son palabras fuertes, pero la realidad de muchos. Se volvió una normalidad que los jóvenes expresen estas frases, ya que la mayoría de veces no es verdad. Pero ¿Qué pasa si es verdad? Desde mi preadolescencia el suicidio siempre recorre por mi mente. La he visto como una solución. He llegado a hartar a las personas por siempre decir las ganas que tengo de matarme a diario. Pero si esa es la forma que me siento constantemente, ¿lo debo de ocultar o expresarlo aunque moleste a todos? La mente de una persona suicida no cualquiera la entiende. Va más allá de pensar de vez en cuando en su muerte. Tener pensamientos suicidas es como caer en un agujero donde salir esta difícil. Siempre piensan que una persona cuando se suicida es egoísta por no pensar en los pensamientos de los demás. Pero ¿Alguna vez notaron los gritos de auxilio que les dio? Siempre hay señales, nosotras decidimos ignorarlas o no. Si eres una persona que tiene en su mente la idea de quitarse la vida te quiero decir algo: probablemente nunca te van a entender como te sientes y se que los comentarios de “tienes que seguir adelante” a veces no te ayudan. Sigue viviendo y lucha hasta donde puedas, vivir con esas ideas no es para nada agradable. Recuerda que 𝒍𝒂 𝒗𝒊𝒅𝒂 𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒆, yo te apoyo sea donde sea que estés. Sin embargo, sí tu decides morir, no te juzgo fuiste alguien que dio lo más que pudo, ahora espero que descanses angelito. Si conocen a alguien que ha dado señales de auxilio, ayúdenlos, apóyenlos y demuestren que en serio son importantes y los quieren mucho. Seguiré con mi vida dependiendo de mis 7 ángeles y recordando lo más que pueda dos cosas: 𝒍𝒂 𝒗𝒊𝒅𝒂 𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒆 y 𝑻𝒐𝒅𝒐 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒂 , aunque este rota y harta de todo, no se si dejare estas ideas atrás un día o si finalmente yo decido morir.
“𝑪𝒂𝒅𝒂 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒓𝒂 𝒔𝒖 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒊𝒂 𝒓𝒂𝒛𝒐𝒏 𝒑𝒐𝒓 𝒍𝒂 𝒒𝒖𝒆 𝒔𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒓, 𝒂𝒍 𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒂𝒍 𝒒𝒖𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒂 𝒓𝒂𝒛𝒐𝒏 𝒑𝒐𝒓 𝒍𝒂 𝒄𝒖𝒂𝒍 𝒗𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒓”
tired of people feeling bad for me
tired of being a second choice
tired of putting a smile on my face
tired of my friends pretending to care
tired of letting people down
i have a very strong desire to tell a bunch of specific people to kill themselves rn however i DONT have a very strong desire to get a callout so i will not