i'm so fucking exhausted. i'm shutting down. it's 1am. i can't sleep. I can't let myself sleep. i'm trapped. I can't ask for help. i can't bother people like that. today is going to go horrible i can tell. because this is what happened lastnight. and yesterday went horrible. fuck. my. life. i want to go dormant and never come back. i want to burn all the memories i have to hold. i can't let anyone else hold them, they're not strong enough. but i'm not strong enough either. i'm trapped. i can't get out of the memories. I can't ground to the present. the only reason i don't have 15 more marks on my arm (/ph) is because i'm not the only one in my body. i don't want to do that to them again. i'm going to get us landed back there if this keeps up. but i can't stop it. fuck my life.
i didn’t study at all today, thinking about k wording myself <3
#now if i don’t do todays work tomorrow i will feel SO GUILTY like more than i am right now #and i already have work for tomorrow but ugh its my fault i didn’t today #i hate myself :) #suicide tw#arshia talks
H: *Holding back tears, having found the corpse of a child*
A: Human, it's okay. We all die some day. The child was just unlucky.
H: You don't understand. The child was hurt by their caregivers. They were abused. This was a suicide. They jumped off the bridge
A: *Blinks and is visibly taken aback* Y-your species hurts it's young? The child took their own life??
H: Our brains have a weakness known as the cycle of abuse. A lot of the time abused children grow up to be abusers for reasons we don't entirely understand yet. Sometimes it's bad enough that they decide that the pain of living just isn't worth it anymore. *The human gazes forlornly past the alien*
A: Is that why so many of you take your own lives?
H: Well, sometimes it's people you've never met, close family who aren't your parents, people at work who have personality disorders. it's not just parents. We all meet people like this at some point or another. *They sigh deeply*
A: Why not kill them off, start anew? Can't possibly be worse than letting the cycle continue.
H: It'd be unethical. Can't just kill people we suspect to be abusers. As much as they are a pest, they hide well.
A: So every day is a possible tragedy, losing an innocent life because someone else decided to behave some specific way?
H: Pretty much, yeah. Those of us who survive almost always have mood disorders like depression and anxiety. Many of us have PTSD or CPTSD, or even borderline personality disorder. Some of us become narcissists. These wounds tend to fester.
A: I need some time to process this.
H: You and me both.
#tw suicide#tw abuse #tw self harm #tw genocide mention #alien and human #human and alien #people are strange
if i d13d tomorrow would it even be a problem? would anyone even notice? they say they care then send me off...i don't believe them. I don't believe anyone. there's too much hate in this world. how harmful would it really be to leave it?
Summary: Nothing good ever came out of loving a warrior.
Warnings: Angst/Comfort, Reiner has suicidal tendencies post Paradis arc, Character death, SFW
A/N: Includes a non-canon relationship. This is my contribution to @jean-does-not-have-a-horseface's Ice Cold Hearts Collab.
The sun shone brightly, beaming down on a pair of ecstatic teens running through the vast farmlands stretching as far as the eye could see. The melody of two hearty laughs filled the quiet, warm air. Lush blades of grass tickled your feet as you raced towards the distant maple tree, a tree-house perched atop it waiting for you to arrive. You turned around to get a better look at the boy following you, his blonde hair bouncing with every trot, hazel eyes pinned on your form and his lips stretched into the brightest smile as he trailed a short distance behind.
“Wait for me!”, he called out, extending his arm towards you.
You stuck your tongue out at him and cackled as you sped up, getting closer and closer to your destination. His eyes widened with glee when he noticed you finally slowing down upon reaching its base. He eventually caught up, breathless and sweaty, almost toppling over a root when he came to a sudden halt by your side. Just before his face could hit the ground, he felt your hand tightly clutch the back of his collar, breaking his fall. He steadied himself and got back on his feet, finally being able to get a good look at your face.
“You ought to be more careful, Reiner!”, you scolded, straightening his shirt with your features painted with worry. “You could’ve hurt yourself!”
He smiled with reticence, gazing at the most precious human in this world treating him as if he were a delicate flower. His heart fluttered every time you worried about him, every time you fussed over him. He couldn’t make sense of what it was trying to convey every time it skipped a beat when you were close. At all of twelve years old, he wasn’t wise enough to decipher the deep feelings that dwelled inside him for you. Your glimpses always plagued his mind, appearing before his eyes when he closed them and being all that he wished to see when they were open.
You were his motivation for achieving greatness as if he wanted to prove that no one could give you a happier and safer life. He couldn’t imagine living without you, the only bright ray of sunshine in the darkness that perpetually surrounded him. The only one who accepted all of him with open arms while the rest of the world fixated on his faults.
“Why are you here again?”, a flat voice broke the cheerful silence. Porco stood on the other side of the tree with his hands folded over his chest, appearing irked. A tense Bertholdt and Pieck were not far behind him while Annie was crouched over a patch of shrubs a short distance away. “We’ve been in enough trouble because of you. Why can’t you just leave us alone?”
“Shut your mouth, Pock!”, Reiner retorted. You could practically hear the anger bubbling inside his chest. His eyes dark, as if contemplating whether to physically hurt the button-nosed boy.
“Don’t you call me that!”
In a flash, the two were at each other’s throats with collars clutched in vice grips, blind punches and kicks being thrown, curses being exchanged. The tranquil farm suddenly turned into a chaotic battlefield with everyone rushing towards the two to separate them as Annie watched from afar. After toiling to peel the two off each other, it was Marcel who was finally able to subdue a delirious Porco with help from Pieck while Bertholdt and you held on to Reiner.
They dragged Porco away to the pond nearby where they were fishing earlier, and you and Reiner ascended to the tree-house. Deflated, you plopped down on a bale of hay, your gaze following the figure of the blonde boy as he paced around the cramped enclosure muttering incoherent words under his breath.
“Porco wasn’t wrong, you know?”, you despaired, twirling a strand of the golden grass between your fingers. “My father will be furious if he finds out I’m with you again. He’s already put you through a lot because of me.”
Reiner’s posture slumped when his eyes fell on your dejected ones. Your father, Theo Magath, was the commander of the Marleyan forces; a proud ‘pure blood’ who held a deep contempt towards Eldians. Many a time, he made his disapproval for your friendship with the warrior candidates perfectly clear to you, even labeled you a rebel for going against his wishes to mingle with them. But you paid him no heed, for they were the only friends you had growing up.
As a result, he’d aim his frustrations towards the poor group, brutalizing them with impossible training, and hosing them with humiliation and threats. He hoped that they would abandon you out of fear, and they did. Now, pretty much everyone but Reiner was cold towards you, except Pieck and Marcel who maintained at least some cordiality.
Reiner sat down by your side with a huff, perusing the concern on your face before following your gaze up to the tattered roof. His pocket felt heavy with the weight of the necklace that he bought for you with the allowance he received from the military for food, eager to see it adorn your neck. Sunlight poured inside through the gaps between the slats, highlighting little flecks of dust floating in the still air. A field of goosebumps erupted on the expanse of your skin when you felt the side of his hand graze yours. You gasped silently, your skin burning where his fingers brushed against yours.
Both hearts pounded in perfect synchrony as you played a staring game with the ceiling, coyly moving your hands to search for each other's again. Wandering fingers finally found their way to each other, intertwining gently at first, firming up eventually. Both your bodies went cold as if half your blood had gushed into your weaved arms and the other half to your cheeks. Your lips inadvertently upturned into a smile and you laboriously gulped down the lump in your throat. With hitched breath, you turned to look at him, both your faces stained with a bright shade of pink with the blush that had lit your cheeks on fire.
“Commander Magath won't hate me once I become a warrior.”, Reiner’s eyes finally found yours, initially shy; before a river of resolve washed over him. “I'll work hard to become one and also an honorary Marleyan. He will have no reason to loathe me then. My mother will be able to be with my father, and I will be able to marry you when we grow up. And once we’re married, we’ll live together in a house just like this one”, he whispered, looking around with a smile.
“You want to live on a tree when we’re married?”, you smirked.
“Uh- I didn’t mean that.”
Sounds of your giggles filled the air as you pointed at this flustered face and laughed, your gleeful voice like music to his ears. If it was the only sound that he could hear for the rest of his life, he would happily oblige. Warm sparks flew in his heart every time he was able to be the reason behind your joy. A smile slowly grew on his lips, beginning to mirror the grin on yours.
“I love you.”, he blurted out of nowhere.
The words escaped his lips before he even strung them together in his head. That’s what your presence did to him – made his mind, heart, and tongue race out of control. Reiner was almost starting to feel dizzy with his sudden declaration. Flustered, he rubbed the back of his neck, drawing random patterns on the ground below with the tip of his shoe.
He began to spiral as you continued to gape at him in bewilderment. Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe the innocent dream he had of building a life with you, marrying you in the presence of your families, living with you in a small cabin in the woods where he could come home to you every day, was one-sided.
“Really?”, you asked quietly.
Hopelessly lost in your doe eyes, it took a few moments for Reiner to register your question. He nodded vigorously, still waiting for you to respond. The dread on his face began to thaw when you gently squeezed his fingers that were still interlaced with yours from earlier. His heart thumped when your parted lips upturned into a smile that slowly found its way onto his own.
“Get your filthy hands off my daughter, you Eldian devil!”, your father bellowed.
Both your necks darted towards him standing near the entryway with a menacing scowl on this face and a gun pointed in your direction. You quickly stood up, unable to look directly at the frenzied man. In a flash, the silken petals of the roses blooming in your heart, disappeared; leaving behind just the thorns. How did he find out? You had been so careful, after having meticulously planned all the excuses for him to let you leave the house for a few hours.
When you did manage to make eye contact, one jolt of his head had you sauntering towards him, disappearing into his shadow. Your guts wrenched with helplessness as you stood far away from Reiner, who was now alone on the opposite side of the room. Your previously warm hand felt ice-cold and empty without his fingers in between yours. He shot his commander a weak salute that went completely ignored.
“If the military hadn’t invested so much time and money on worthless garbage like you, I would have shot you down here and now. And I will not hesitate to do it if I see you anywhere near my daughter again, you scum!”, he kept his musket aimed at the trembling boy.
“And you.”, he turned to face you, “I tried to be lenient. But you just won’t learn, will you? You’re going far, far away from here where you will never have the chance to see these nasty beings again.”
Reiner was paralyzed whilst your father dragged your kicking, screaming, and wailing form away, no amount of begging even beginning to soften his stone heart. He watched from the window, scalding tears filling his eyes as the furious man threw you over his horse and the two of you disappeared into the distance.
He didn’t see you for three whole years after. The young, naïve boy you knew and grew up with had since inherited the Armored Titan and achieved the biggest dream he had. And yet, happiness was nowhere to be found. His father still didn’t want anything to do with him. His mother still lived in agony. He still failed to attain the respect he thought the warriorship would bring. And the one face that could soothe his anguish was nowhere to be seen.
Commander Magath had made sure to keep your whereabouts a guarded secret. Reiner spent every moment since that day on the farm in hopes of finding you, but to no avail. The commander was an astute man, ensuring that the boy he didn't perceive to be worth even the dirt under your shoes, would never come face to face with you again. But there was another person who was always a few steps ahead.
Maybe Reiner’s perpetual sullenness had sprouted a shred of sympathy in his heart, or maybe he was just making sure that he continued to have the upper hand in their dynamic. But Reiner couldn’t care less about what Zeke’s intentions were when the shrewd man approached him just one day before he was to depart for Paradis Island with information on your location. He had found out that you were living in Namtso, a city on the other side of Marley where you were said to be studying medicine.
That same evening, you were aghast to find Pieck at the doorstep of your dormitory, holding an envelope out in front of you. It contained a necklace, a golden heart being held by a delicate chain that you promptly wore around your neck, and a note. Although only a cluster of three words was scribbled on it, you shed many tears of joy, clutching the puny piece of parchment close to your heart.
"Wait for me
Luminous flames danced before him, barely warming up his body that was as cold as ice. The night had been brutal, unforgiving with its chill that was making his bones ache. A yellow glow cast by the bonfire on the young man made his blonde hair, pale skin and honey eyes seem like they were molded out of pure gold. He sat shriveled up in a fetal position, his knees close to his chest being held tight by trembling arms. Annie, Bertholdt, and Marcel sat in front of him surrounding the fire, all staring into the brilliant blaze.
It was quiet. A bit too quiet.
Shouldn’t there be some kind of sound? He was in a forest, for God’s sake. Maybe the chirps of crickets or a flock of birds, the rustle of leaves? Even the crackling of the burning wood, which was just mere feet away from him was muted. The lull was haunting and made him restless. Reiner could’ve sworn that he had lost his hearing, surrounded by a deathly silence and sharp ringing in his ears. He rubbed his fingers over his ears, frantically trying to pick up on the faintest of sounds. His gaze darted between his comrades in an attempt to deduce whether they too were going through what he was.
Just when he was about to open his mouth to ask, Marcel’s eyes shifted towards him, the smile on his kind face vanishing. “I died protecting you, and yet you failed.”, he said before standing up and beginning to walk towards the fire. Finally, a sound. But this? Reiner tried to scream, call out to him, stop him from entering the flames; but his throat stung with the intensity of many shards of glass scraping against it. All that came out of his desperate mouth were puffs of air.
Marcel became one with the light and all that remained was ash floating through the still air. It was Annie who stood up next. “I was captured because you failed.”, she enunciated, her voice as flat as her expression. And with that, she followed Marcel into the blaze, giving rise to yet another thick, grey cloud of ash.
And then, there were two.
Reiner already knew what was about to happen, a steady stream of tears glimmering on his face in the light of the fire. Bertholdt rose from his spot, looking at the whimpering blonde boy as if he was the most pathetic creature to ever exist. “You failed even after I sacrificed myself for you.”, he puled, not breaking his gaze whilst walking towards the smoldering fire. Another veil of smoke rose, this time constricting Reiner’s breath. He gasped for air, eyes blown in panic, hands reaching out for his friends, his stifled cries fading away amidst a cloak of soot.
That’s when he saw them at a distance. Those eyes – terrified, begging, pleading, pooling with tears. Yours. He heard your voice, crying for father to stop dragging you away.
“Why didn’t you stop him, Reiner?”, you looked directly at the frozen wreckage of a man sitting by the remnants of the dying flames, the misery in your eyes hardening into fury. “Why did you let me go?”, you screeched.
Reiner jolted awake, reaching his arm out into the darkness. His breathing was haggard, hair a mess, clothes clinging to his skin with sweat. He was still dumbfounded, struggling to draw even the faintest sound out of his throat. The blackness of the room made his pounding heart feel like it was going to hurtle out of his chest.
“Reiner!”, he heard a voice worriedly call out to him. “Hey, Reiner. Calm own. It's me. You’re safe now... Reiner? Are you okay?”
He heard the strike of a match. The minuscule yet radiant flame revealed before him, a face. The same face he had yearned for, for the past eight years. The same one that came to his mind the moment he opened his eyes every morning, and the one he thought of before sleep took over, carrying it with him to his dreams.
You stroked his cheek, brushing away a wet trail of tears, and placed the candle on the nightstand. Sitting down on the edge of the bed where he lay, you whispered words of affirmation into his ears, guiding him to catch his breath till they slowed back down to normal.
“Where... am I? What - What are you... doing here?”, he croaked, blinking profusely to orient himself with the alien room.
“Zeke and Pieck brought you home. I’m your doctor and am making sure that you’re healing well.”, you brought a glass of water to his lips, eyeing the steam that rose from various parts of his body.
“I think I’m old enough to make my own decisions now, Reiner.”, you smiled, but the melancholy lacing your features was crystal even in the dim luminescence of the lone candle. “Well, we don’t talk anymore. I haven't spoken to him since he sent me away to Namtso.”
Silence descended between the two of you. It was something that you were both quite comfortable with before, but it made you uneasy today. You were seeing him for the first time after your father dragged you away from that tree-house and after Reiner was sent away to Paradis Island on a mission to reclaim the Founding Titan, a mission that the warriors had miserably failed.
His expression contorted into a grimace when the memory of what happened there rushed back into his mind. The few seconds of oblivion after regaining consciousness were painfully snatched away. He had lost everybody. Marcel, Bertholdt, and Annie were all gone, only for him to return home safely. What did he do to deserve this? All he ever did was step on others for his own benefit. He didn’t deserve the comfort of lying in a bed back home, while two of his friends were dead and one captured, to be looked after by the woman he loved after massacring hundreds and thousands of innocent lives.
“Reiner?”, he jumped when you set your hand on his shoulder. “What are you thinking about?”
His eyes burnt holes into the ceiling. How was he supposed to put into words, the pandemonium that had enraptured his mind? That he couldn’t recognize himself anymore? That he could barely recognize you? That the guilt of having caused a barrage of death and destruction was crushing every bit of his soul? That being a warrior was nowhere close to as glorious as he had imagined? That he felt like an intruder in his own body?
“I shouldn’t be here.”, was all he could manage to say to summarize how he felt. The sound was more air than voice, “I shouldn’t have survived this; I shouldn’t have come back home.”
“Reiner.”, your voice quivered, finally convincing him to look not at the ceiling, but back at you. “Don’t say that. Please! I can’t fathom what you had to go through. But I prayed for you to come home safely for every single moment of the last five years. I waited, Reiner, just like you asked me to.”
“You did?”, he breathed. Tears were beginning to cascade down his temples as he lay, trembling, in bed. “But- But I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person. You should have found someone else, someone better than me.”
“No!”, you urged. “Don’t say that! I waited for you, I counted each and every second till you returned just so that I could tell you what I couldn’t the last time we were together... Reiner, I – I love-”
“Stop!”, he placed a hand on your lips to prevent you from uttering the words he didn’t deserve to hear from you or anyone else. His voice was barely audible, “Don’t. I’m not worthy.”
“Just leave. And forget about me.”
Reiner's hands ached to wipe the string of warm pearls gushing down your face. The little boy who took pride in being the cause of your smile was now a despicable man who was the reason behind your anguish. How he wished to engulf you into his arms, rest your head against his chest and tell you that he loved you more than life itself, that whatever little meaning his existence held was because of you, that his only reason to continue breathing was you.
Instead, he turned around to lie with his back towards you, clearly hearing your heart shatter with the painful gasp that left your lips. He held himself back when he heard you call out to him one last time, your voice softer than a mere breeze. He only let his walls break when he heard the click of the door, shifting once more to make sure you were indeed gone. He wept woefully, holding his knees close to his chest, rocking himself gently in search of comfort that he would never find.
Hazel eyes were glued to the ground as he walked, mesmerized by the cadenced patterns that the pavers made in unison with the mortar holding them together. He only looked up to ensure that he didn’t accidentally bump into anybody, in turn inviting a slew of nasty words from them. Even holding the Armored Titan didn’t stop the Marleyans from spewing hate at ‘his kind’. It was something Reiner was accustomed to by now, since it was all that, he received growing up.
The red band on his bicep, which he toiled for every single day of his life, stood for nothing but everything abhorrent in this world. He lost his comrades, pushed you away, his mother still cried herself to sleep every night, he had no idea if his father was still alive, and now, the people who he had unintentionally grown attached to, an entire civilization of Eldians within the walls across the ocean, was out for his blood. And worst of all, he despised his own existence.
Every moment that Reiner’s mind found him alone, it would race away to places of torment, constantly reminding him of what a failure he was, how the world would be a better place if he was never born. He dwelled in an inferno where he burned alive for every second of every day in the memories of all the people that he wronged.
He blindly followed a zealous Gabi, being held back by a distressed Falco, Udo, and Zofia through the thronging streets of Marley’s main market, until he was torn from his thoughts by all four of them screaming in unison, a name he recognized far too well.
His eyes shot up from the ground, a muted gasp leaving his lips at your sight. You cheerfully greeted the kids with the two girls wrapped around your waist and the boys shyly saying hello. You looked a thousand times more beautiful than he remembered, your features having matured immaculately. Reiner was mesmerized by your swaying hair that was now much longer than the last time you met, the smile on your face which was now unknowingly mirroring on his own, the way your pastel skirt fluidly blew with the breeze, and the sound of your voice that was like cold water for his parched ears. The only feature of yours that hadn't changed was the twinkle in your eye, still reminiscent of the lively girl he grew up with.
He was so lost that his mind didn’t even register you looking back at him. Except, yours was a look of concern, rather than of amazement. He looked almost weak, like he had lost a substantial amount of weight since he returned to Marley. Had he not been eating well? His cheekbones were prominent, as were the deep lines on his forehead. His eyes, despite holding the same golden shine, looked tired, and you knew better than to ask.
“Uh - We’ll walk with Porco and Pieck. Meanwhile, you two can catch up!”, the string of your gazes broke when Falco awkwardly squeaked. Reiner furrowed his brows questioningly. How did he know? “Colt talks a lot when he drinks!”, the boy smiled, rubbing the back of his neck.
He joined the others in walking a few steps ahead of you, browsing through the many stalls of food, games and nick-knacks. The two of you strolled side by side, your shoulders often bumping into each other, occasional glances being exchanged, but neither of you attempting to break the silence.
“How have you been?”, he finally asked a short eternity later.
“Been better. You?”
Porco’s and Pieck’s appetites were soaring today, with the kids’ not lagging far behind. They stopped at every other stall, dining on the delicacies cooked by vendors who had traveled to Liberio from all over the country. Reiner paid for their food every time, but didn’t eat anything himself. Three stalls later, you still walked in silence, not another word uttered since your brief exchange. He took a deep breath to prepare himself to talk, but couldn’t muster up the courage since hadn’t forgotten how he treated you the last time he met you; or how you had run out of the infirmary room in tears, never to be seen or heard from again for four years until today.
His heart skipped a beat when he caught you walking away from the corner of his eye. Maybe you had only kept him company for Falco’s sake. Maybe you didn’t want to see or talk to him, but that is what he asked for, right? Did you really hate him now? The girl who used to be such a big part of his life was now a complete stranger. Too repulsed by him to even walk by his side. Too disgusted to initiate a conversation.
The lines between his brows began to deepen as his mind started to spiral out of control until a hand holding out a stick of bright pink candy-floss entered his line of vision. He visibly jumped and stopped in his tracks, gaping at you with wide eyes. You brought him his favorite snack from a stall you often visited together as kids, blowing up both your allowances on the delightful, sweet snack.
“You haven't eaten anything all evening.”, you said, jolting your arm once more to divert his attention from your face to the sugary cloud which he swiftly took from you. You entered an alley between two buildings and sat down on an empty barrel, a little pocket of peace not far off from the chaotic market. The flutter in his heart crept up to his lips, bringing a slight curve to them as he took the first bite.
“You remembered?”, he asked.
“Obviously.”, you blushed. “How could I forget? You used to practically inhale three of these in a matter of seconds.”
He noticed the golden heart adorning your neck. You watched throngs of people go by, a sheepish smile on both your faces after the return of the familiar warmth in between you. Just like old times, he passed the stick to you and you plucked out a generous tuft of the cottony candy before shoving it into your mouth. His eyes continued to rest on the view of the glimmering jewelry around your neck, the one he bought for you many years ago. You still wore it.
“After all this time?”, he asked, silently gesturing towards it when you looked at him in confusion.
“Like I told you the last time we met; I waited for you, just like you asked me to.”, you sighed.
“Even after what I said to you then?”
“You think I blame you for saying that to me, hours after returning from a five-year-long traumatizing mission?”, you scolded. “I’ve waited for you for twelve years. That’s half of our lives. It’s only you for me, Reiner. There can never be anyone else. So, I’ll wait for twelve more if I have to.”
“Good thing I don’t have that long remaining.”, he smirked, earning himself a slap on the shoulder from you.
“I know that, you jerk.”, you grumbled. Your posture visibly slumped with the bitter truth having been spelled out directly, “But- we’ve lost so much time, Reiner. Time that we could have spent happily together if the world hadn't driven us apart. I have felt this way since we were kids, and I still do. I love-”
“But - “
“Damn it, Reiner, I will lose my mind if I don’t get to say it this time.”, the generally poised woman he had known was nowhere to be found as you glared at him with large eyes and flared nostrils. “I love you, okay? And I know that you’re going through hell. But I will walk down that path with you with my hand in yours if that makes you feel even a little bit stronger. Just don’t push me away again. Because I will claw my way back to you like I always do. I've done it before, Reiner Braun. And I'll do it again. Because I love you. I fucking love -”
This time, you happily welcomed being interrupted when he slammed his lips onto yours. Your heart stopped in your chest when you felt him this close to you for the first ever time. Warm tears fell from his eyes onto your cheeks as he chanted, I love you’s and I’m sorry’s against your lips, never once breaking contact. It was all you ever wished for, all you ever needed, everything that you had yearned for. Not even in your dreams did you think this moment would be this magical – the feeling of having your face cupped in his strong hands, of his breath fanning over your skin, of his lips moving in perfect sync with yours, all the pent-up feelings being expressed all at once as you wept in each other’s embrace, invisible to everyone else.
“Promise you’ll never let me go again?”, you sobbed, resting your forehead against his.
The sun shone brightly, beaming down on a lone man walking through the vast farmlands stretching as far as the eye could see. Nothing but silence filled the warm air, occasionally interrupted by the whinnies of horses grazing nearby. Lush blades of grass tickled his feet as he inched towards the distant maple tree, a tree house perched atop it waiting for him to arrive. He looked to his side, hoping to find that same girl who took this route with him many times in the past, only to be greeted by more open land, devoid of her presence.
It had been one year since the Liberio festival. One year since you told him that you loved him for the first and the last time. One year since the day he lost you to the explosion that resulted from Eren’s transformation.
This was the first time that he visited this place after the day he had expressed his own love for you as a naïve young boy. He climbed up the ladder, that still hung from the same branch as thirteen years ago, and entered the dilapidated tree house. Everything looked the same, apart from the thick layer of dust covering every inch of the dimly lit room.
Reiner walked across the space, glazing over everything you once touched. Every corner brought back an old memory, sounds of your giggles echoing in his mind when his gaze fell on the hay bale. He sat exactly where he remembered sitting the last time, leaning against the wall to look up at the tattered roof. Sunlight still poured in through the gaps in between the slats, highlighting little flecks of dust floating in the stagnant air. But the spot beside him that was once occupied by someone who meant the world to him, now lay cold and vacated.
“We should have never left this tree house.”, he whispered, gingerly brushing his hand over the patch of dried grass to his side.
He turned back to look up at the light cascading down on his face through the crevices, painting him in a glorious golden hue. Silvery streaks of precious tears made their way down his cheek with nobody to wipe them this time.
“Wait for me.”, he called out, extending his arm towards the bright light, the only thing reminiscent of your missing warmth.
So I believe I have found something in CFMOT 7.
*WARNING: TW S*ICIDE*
So I dont know if this has already been talked about but-
I saw this and thought it was odd that some of the letters were a different color. So with the help of @iwishihadfireyplush translating, when the letters are separated it’s “ст само биво й у.” however that can be changed to “Самоубийство” which means “S*icide”.
Now at first I thought this was talking about Lightbolb since she’s been acting weird but then I remembered that Knify unfortunately committed s*icide in БФИ 1. Honestly, I hope that it doesnt go in that direction. Especially since they were very... distasteful about it in БФИ... But it is possible that they dont even go that way. So whatever they plan to do- hopefully its done well.
knowing that it could’ve been stopped but adults around were too lazy to do anything about it pisses me off so much. and when i bring it up my grandma just says “well, he USED to hit you. not anymore.” just because he doesnt anymore doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt, grandma.
and knowing my family knew i was planning to off myself a couple years ago but did NOTHING about literally makes me want to cry. the only thing that stopped it from happening was me being a fucking pussy.
the perks of being a wallflower is always going to be my comfort movie because i watched it at the perfect moment
#it was just so spot on #warning suicide mention from now on #tw suicice #tw self half #imagine being me and being 12 and very suicidal and depressed #and going to see a movie bc theres logan lerman and emma watson in it #and its this one #it was such a beacon of hope for me #i was self harming a lot back then #and i started watching it more and more so i would distract myself from doing it #i cry every time i watch it #to this day #of course it wasn’t miraculous but with time i got better and stopped self harming and etc #and this film kind of started the whole im going to try and get better #and its homestly been a few years since i self harmed in a bodily way #now i just do other destructive things
#I hope they all get pissed at me taking my only chance of life away. #I hope they get angry their favorite child is gone just like that. #I hope they stew and steam over how all my potential is gone. #That their beloved child can never give love and forgiveness that they can't blame me anymore that they have to- #-Fail. #I hope people hate me and realize how terrible I was. #Benny Rambles#Benny Vents#Suicide tw#Crying tw
If I killed myself, in the end, it wouldn't matter.
#I am a single person. #What difference will my death make? #I do not matter in the long run. There is no point in being alive. #If I disappeared for months would people think I am alive? Well? Or will they think I have finally done it. #Will they care years later? Or forget the person they only knew online that died? #I will be forgotten. I will be hated and disliked and etc. #What's the point. I don't even have a stupid future. #All I am is just some nobody. It's all I can be. #Benny Rambles#Benny Vents#Suicide tw
1. laurens is transgender and met hamilton through the internet, he is being bullied by the jeffersons (aka macaroni shit) and also by his father. eliza broke up with alex and started dating maria
2. they meet irl at a production of miranda the musical and also john's wearing a turtle jacket
3. when alex comes home to meet john, he goes to his school and becomes Good Friends TM with laf and herc. and also john but shh, because they're secretly gay for each other
4. charles lee comes out of literal nowhere and henry laurens says he will help john get his "womanhood back" or some shit i don't remember, but instead he does the exact opposite. this was so weird because what the fuck sir, john is 19, also having sex with a 40 year old man will not untrans your gender
5. uh oh spaghettio's, this really ruffles alex's feathers! john is wearing lipstick and a dress and is all sad, there is blood everywhere, alex is also sad, they cry, cry some more, cry even more. oh fiddlesticks.
6. uh oh spaghettio's is right! they have another fight and and alex deadnames him! and also john runs to the bathroom and gets poison out of absolutely nowhere and just. fucking dies
7. just kidding. when he comes back from recovery, people make fun of him because they think he did it for attention. (it's jefferson, jefferson's people.) eliza reveals that she's still in love with alex!!! and trying to ruin their relationship!! because maria isn't enough!!! and alex cries!!
8. alex's cousin dies, he has a breakdown, john's dad comes out of nowhere back to the apartment and slams his head down with a bricsk. john fucking dies, and this time for real
9. alex is so sad that john died that he dies too! btw they're like 18 in this
#well. that happened #i guess #tw suicide mention #tw rape mention #tw self harm mention #tw death #tw blood mention