#teddyposting Tumblr posts

  • huweetem
    27.01.2022 - 14 hours ago

    "Tastes like military school" the flavor of what I had for breakfast almost every day during that time of my life. Sugary sweet and bringing feelings I don't have words for. That was one of the worst periods of my life by far. I was so much stronger then, by far. I feel the same kind of vigor and stubbornness and spite and determination, just a bit more rekindling that fire - it tastes like a horrible time. It tastes like stubbornness, too.

    #teddyposting #intentionally triggering that up because I have need of it today. Lucky me I have grown with the body. #Lucky me I am still the same as then #just more knowledgeable. more well-versed in adult life and with more up my sleeve than before #and not nearly as powerless - but I have felt lacking in craftiness and willpower lately #so it is necessary to tap into that well.
    View Full
  • huweetem
    26.01.2022 - 16 hours ago

    in trying to keep away from the next actions as decided by anselm i have just been doing (drumroll)........ miserable! and i *know* i should just suck it up and keep moving. and i know i am capable of it! but i don't feel ready to put this down. if i waited til i felt ready to walk away from this wound i'd wait til the sun exploded. i need to just bite the bullet and keep moving. i feel heartless and hollowed out and i am capable but i have scooped out all my innards that make me a person and not someone just going and moving along. there is no other way to live for me right now except by being heartless and hollowed out and empty. the only thing that was in me was all kinds of wounds and various things that slow me down and what i need is to keep on moving.

    View Full
  • huweetem
    26.01.2022 - 20 hours ago

    I literally cannot wait for the era in life where we get to see how much of our difficulties are a product of disability and how much is a product of being in a constantly unsafe, stressful environment while not meeting my basic bodily needs. That era is going to be SO sexy no matter what because it'll mean meeting my basic needs and being safe.

    View Full
  • huweetem
    26.01.2022 - 20 hours ago

    on the plus side, my mood swing has gone back to the up-end despite the pain i am in! god awful menstrual cycle swing of hell brings highest highs and lowest lows every single FUCKING month but i am on the high end right now. so maybe i will do fun and productive things about it

    View Full
  • huweetem
    26.01.2022 - 20 hours ago

    the pain moved up from my legs and tummy up to my goddamn tits. my tits hurt now but my legs and all below the tits are fine again. i hate having my period -_-

    #teddyposting #i just wanna lay doooown but im feeling like DOING STUFF but im in PAAAAIIIN
    View Full
  • huweetem
    26.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    We gotta get to the laundromat to do laundry at some point soon. But we cannot get there without family.

    I was trying to get them to drive us there since weeks ago but it was all "Wait for the new dryer to get here!" But it turns out that that super cheap new dryer never showed up cuz they got scammed. I really do not understand the way my mom and grandma think and make decisions.

    #teddyposting #it's just so. UUUGGHH #they are always picking sketchy options like this
    View Full
  • huweetem
    26.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    Incredibly malicious this evening after being woken up by my period starting after less than 5 hours of sleep

    #teddyposting #if the uterus was not stuck in my body well i would want to mangle it 🖤 #i cant even see this stupid thing as being part of my body. it is just a horrible organ that hurts me on purpose in my eyes #i cant get that perception to leave cuz it hurts in all the worst places every fucking month #bringing me extra strength hell on earth ptsd and wasting my resources for noooo reason 👍
    View Full
  • huweetem
    25.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    Biting and biting and biting and biting and tearing and biting and rending and tearing and clawing and biting and maiming and biting and clawing and biting and biting, so on and so forth etc etc coming to a village near you!

    View Full
  • huweetem
    25.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    ahee hee giggle (I am wishing death on all my exes and all my shitty old friends and all who have wronged me 💖)

    View Full
  • huweetem
    25.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    It finally hit me 😶

    #teddyposting #when the full weight of all the current problems comes crashing down full force for a couple minutes #after i spent just a little too long letting myself feel my feelings (less than 2 mins of feelings.) #ended up having some sort of Problem and freaked out felt like i was gonna die for all of 45 seconds and then #had some crackers and spent some time with Opal and sat on the floor and tried to calm down #it worked and now i am laying in bed because i feel like i just got hit by a train 💔
    View Full
  • huweetem
    24.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    freaking out cuz i lost the paper where i wrote down my own basic info on it cuz i cant remember my own fucking address or dob or full legal name and genuinely i mean it that info is just gone and i Need The Paper but i Cannot Fuckin Find It and then finally finding it, what might be the single most important note i have for myself, wedged in between the journals on the bookshelf. 💀😭🤡

    View Full
  • huweetem
    24.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    catwalking on the line between joking abt my household being hell and being half-convinced i am in actual hell as a way to understand why bad things are happening 🥴😳

    #teddyposting #ladies it is time to try not to be delusional this is Not Good
    View Full
  • huweetem
    24.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    today is just a huge stupid blur of trying to get shit done, freaking out and still trying to get shit done, the way i cannot do anything when i hear my mom losing her shit out in the hall again and still trying to get shit done, trying to shove down the weird heartache that i cannot deal with right now it's really inconvenient and why is this happening and why does this have to be this way i hate this i hate every decision ive ever made i hate being touchable i hate i hate i hate and still trying to get shit done :), and trying to plan and take a few steps forward as i go and feeling paralyzed by the fear that comes with knowing that theres nothing guaranteed to support me if i make the wrong move (isolated this is what they meant by divide and conquer isnt it this is how people get got it is when they are separated from the rest why do you think baby elephants are kept in the middle?) and still trying :) to get :) shit done :)

    #teddyposting #[SCREAMS IN AGONY] why cant i be productive anyways?
    View Full
  • huweetem
    24.01.2022 - 3 days ago

    Had weird dreams about being given some books by someone and they had all sorts of stuff in them (magic stuff and plants stuff and prayers??) and I am pretty sure that there was something to do with a saint (like a literal actual saint) and something about just picking where to start and starting instead of trying to pick the perfect start and never starting. Also in the dream was some kind of home I was in that belonged to someone who had a very very very good impression on me it felt warm and safe and sunny and I do not remember who it was but I do remember she was warm. And there were other people there looking at the books too, and it all felt so peaceful. Gentle.

    View Full
  • huweetem
    23.01.2022 - 3 days ago

    Hello Snelm. Before you is a paper with the words "Being numb to it is the same as being over it: True / False". Circle one. Choose wisely.

    View Full
  • huweetem
    23.01.2022 - 3 days ago

    "You have to feel your feelings though." "I'LL SOONER DIE." Is absolutely rich coming from us, a bunch of parts of what maybe could be if we ever got that far, one guy disowning all at once from one another, rendering all of this 'YOUR feelings not my feelings no no' hypocritical at the very start!

    View Full
  • huweetem
    23.01.2022 - 4 days ago

    learned where a lot of energy is being diverted to: self-destructive loathing, malice directed inwards

    but also managed to re-direct that into getting some important self care done this morning, because oh my god there is so much juice in that. all that battery power is probably still usable for other stuff too if i could just get it to stop feeling so god awful (because hearing the inner voice go "you goddamn useless son of a bitch-" is NOT helpful. but that insider has a WHOLE LOT of battery power.)

    View Full
  • huweetem
    23.01.2022 - 4 days ago

    the 1am pep-talk consists of "so i am in crisis but it's not like i can get help about it without fucking my entire life over in ways i only recently managed to un-fuck it, im burning the candle at both ends being disabled and trying to both manage in this situation and pull my way up out of it, i know i am not going to receive the kind of structured support i'd need to NOT have to pour straight from my life-blood to get out of here because of the way this hell is structured (capitalist. i am valued for what i can do and i can do little of note in terms of what is seen as being something done.) and no matter how unfair it is i cant just get out of here by calling it for what it is, it doesn't even matter how unreasonable this is - either i manage or i don't and i die. the choices are, as always, be resilient or die. what else can i do but keep trying even if it kills me? i can die from being here or i can risk dying from trying to get out of here and i can hope that my death will just be after i am out of here and ideally after i have had a chance to experience a life that isn't horrifying. so i just have to keep going because there is no other option. i am doing the best i can right now but i really need to do better because this is not enough still to get me out" type sentiments.

    i cant even point to a time where it "started to get bad" this life has been one long struggle with the help of compartments where i dont have to struggle with all of it at one time. so it got worse. so there's new fear piled on top and new hurt and more and more and more of it. the options are still as always be resilient or die.

    #teddyposting #got very concerning and bad news about family stuff and then everything else going on is still a problem and i am still exhausted #and i know that being exhausted doesnt mean that there still isnt shit to be handled that i must handle or face the consequences of not #handling it. life does not care how worn down i am and i understand that very well. #this isnt conducive to feeling ''better'' about it but itd be crazy to try and feel over the moon #about being in danger and being subjected to scary things and having bad things happen to me. like #being hurt and being tired and being scared and being sad are the rational responses. #id have to be a robot not to feel all of that. but even still i HAVE to continue doing my best - MORE than that best #if i want to not be in danger and be subjected to scary things and have more bad things happen to me. #so no it does not feel good but does that matter? no. #so i am just. [SCREAMS IN AGONY] and going about my day
    View Full
  • huweetem
    22.01.2022 - 4 days ago

    i wish that i had been born to literally almost anyone else. and not someone who is just... i dont even have a word for it. sadistic? self-centered?? on a power trip about having kids and the way she's given every right with little to no suspicion or supervision about it. making her problems everyone's problems, especially her kids who cannot leave. totally lacking in compassion. sometimes so incredibly stupid it is ridiculous, but amazing at pretending to be a good person around the authorities - goes from acting too dumb to understand basic shit like "don't hurt people when you're mad" to demonstrating clear understanding of it when it can get her out of trouble or get someone else in trouble by lying. i really, truly wish that every fucking thing were different, and that i had never been around this, and that it had not shaped me, and that it had not amplified every other danger, and that she was not still trying to dig her claws into my life and stop me from being able to leave in so many ways from my family stealing my money to exhausting me with violence to making me doubt my perception of reality and what is happening and making me doubt my ability and worth as a person.

    View Full
  • huweetem
    21.01.2022 - 6 days ago

    If this computer eats shit and dies well then I fucking guess I am just going to have 1 less thing to take with me but oh yeah! A lot of my important shit for work is on here. Cant have her die on me. I am so proud of this thing for lasting this long I hope she lives even longer at least long enough for me to be able to replace her in a new home. 🧿

    View Full