You’re the one and only person I consider my bestfriend, my soulmate, my partner. I won’t ever feel a connection like with you. Everything revolves around our time spent together, I carry you with me every where I go.
Each day without each other has felt hollow, pretend, exhausting, I can’t laugh genuinely with anyone and when I catch myself drifting away into whatever made up reality I’ve conformed to, got comfortable and stuck with. I know I’m not where I’m supposed to be and it’s the most unrelenting pain I can feel, that mistake, I’ve made multiple times…
its never been anyone’s fault, I’ve done this all on my own, I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two but my execution has a high failure rate, like I’m making some righteous fucking decision to be a better person in traveling the unknown, even though it’s so aware, everyone knows, fuck, i know. I’m dying. Slower and faster each day. I’m frantic, bipolar, full of absolute bane for existing, My blood begs for me to open up my heart again, all I can do is scream on the inside. I am screaming, constantly. Horrified by my own creations.
Yet… I cannot control my growing as a person, so fast and confusing, never of a one track mind, I change, always, my ideas, passions, mental health, my theories of the human condition and the universe, they are constantly shifting and it effects my surroundings, the people, those who love and care for me, my way of life, my reputation in their eyes.
I hope one day everything falls back into place, I really do. I want you to be happy, to be free, to grow and learn to love again. Please don’t be afraid. Things will make sense. It gives me hope and a reason to look forward to a future life, to know you might be there. We can laugh and share like we’ve never met before… but we both know we have, how much we have lived.. In past lives, dozens of times, if not hundreds.