I just told our therapist in our Zoom session that I was ‘leaking’ from my eyes because I was so dissociated I couldn’t remember the word ‘crying’. It’s one of those days 🤦
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When i was working I was afraid to be honest with my therapist because I thought that if I was honest about the extent of my mental situation I would be institutionalized against my will and lose my job (I was trying to keep my job, but by the end I had to leave because of my mental health anyway, so it was really pointless)
Now that I’m not working I wonder how different my experience of therapy would be.
0I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. I feel…hopeful. So hopeful.
I really like this therapist. I connect with her, she lets me talk but also really listens and responds to what I’m saying. She’s licensed in areas that I want to improve with myself - like my disordered eating and forming healthy habits.
I feel safe and not judged and I am so filled with hope. I can talk to someone who is trained to listen. I don’t have to worry about piling on too much with friends or family.
I don’t feel so alone. It makes me cry to think about but I just feel so relieved - I don’t have to try and deal with all of this by myself.
1A few weeks ago, I ordered some items online and received a stuffed bunny by mistake. She’s soft, petite, and delicate with very long ears; and I’ve named her Lavender Bun. Lav for short.
Slowly, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been using her for a kind of inner child therapy, which has been surprisingly helpful in my day to day life, and goes to show that the things you really need come to you when you least expect them.1
I want to go to therapy but I’m terrified of it. It’s something I’ve never done and I’m scared of not knowing what to say, of the therapist judging me or literally any interaction. One of my biggest fears in the world is meeting new people and being with a stranger and it’s something that’s been holding me back for a really long time now and my mental health is getting pretty bad. If anyone has any advice or can tell me anything about therapy it could help me a lot.
0me: *gets a panic attack during therepy @ my therapist talking about just talking about talking about It*
me: lol it’s nothing dw dw i’m making this up this is fine it’s fine it’s FINE
4Hey all you guys, gals, and non-binary pals: ive been gone for a wile sorry guys ive just been feeling really down lately. ive been locking my self in my room all day oly coming out for “food’ and to use the bathroom. this week i aslo came out to my dad… it felt really good and i think it went well however for some reason it felt conflicting about some of the things he said a couple things that really triggerd me and i dont want want to assume he was being rude but some of the things or assumptions or his thought process was very conflicting and triggering, however he said that this is my life how ever the brought up the word “choices”… umm me being trans is not a choice i cant choose to be trans just like he cant chooose to be a cis black man. this is who i am i was born trans, growing up was difficult supressing and denying and faking it though life. something that he also said was “not to be a burdin to peopple” whatever that means… how can i be a burdan by simply just being me truly who i am and living my life, whow does that make me a burdan, now i get it as parents they might be worrid or scarred for me about things being hard or tough or if ya know what im saying but all the things that they are are say has happend is happing and will happen regardless however im not scared anymore to be who i am. but the the reason why thus triggered me is through out him using this statement implys or feels like hes saying that me being who i is problematic or the feeling of him also saying i need work on taking other peoples feelings into consideration…. ummm WHY? i dont understand this logic if this is what hes saying. i do not , i will not, have never, or will never, let a persons feelings or assumptions, or fear stop me for living my life, stop me from being who i am, or stop me from going on HRT. its not your deccession, its not about you and what you feel is right. for so long ive been told to take other peoples feelings into consideration and personally i feel like thats fucked up. the “assumption” or the thought or statement that you say this then say THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU low blow dad ive never said that nor have i ever once thought that but however in this momment it is and im not going to nor can i make the “deccession” to go on HRT bassed off your level of comfortablity. i came out to you “AGAIN” because cause from what i see or what you show you thought it was something that will go away it hasent it wont and because the last time i told you about all this you said ok and dident talk to me for a week and we never brought it back up until litterly tuesday. and last reason i came out again is because your hard to talk to and mom knows but you needed to know expeccally if mom talks about yall getting therapy to talk to a therapist to help understand and learn and grow,,, whenever the fuck thats going to happen! whitch honistly i highly doubt will happen there to fucking busy to eve thake the time to learn and do reserch or even talk about things or fucking ask your fucking child how they are. seriouslly taking to parent that lack in the emotional or effection deparrtment sucks. i wish my werent on 50/50 on the support aspect its like they support but they want to choose and select and monitor what they want to support or what they want to see or allow. last thing he said was what is finances going to look like ok i know HRT can be expencive but why would you bing that up yoj dont think i know that obviouslly i fucking do otherwise why would i be pushing for it, i need it and i want it. also why whould you tell your 26 year old who has disabilitys and other shit and tell them “ i dont care what you do but dont burden us and expect us to support you” that felt like not kicking me but the momment i leave dont come back or ask for help. i dont know im feeling really conflicted like yeas i should be proud that he supports but on the other hand i dont feel fully trully supported. why do i find it difficult to talk to him… to the poit were i just dont tell him anything and thats bad. theres alos the other feeling of feeling conflicted but also trying to stay positive about the talk i mean he did say he dident care im an adult,, soooo am i over reacting, am i too sensitive, or lookin to into it. also im not saying hes like the worst dad ever and that he doesn’t love me he does love me, i think… hes never said it to me, i think he supports me but even through all this why do i feel this way. if your reading this and you got his far have gone through something like this if so any advice. i have a therapy sesssion today at 3:00pm i will deffinetly bring this up with my therapist and see what he thinks. i hope theres a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for reading
Joeii
1my mate was sad cos she hasn’t been doing too good mentally - she feels like life is too long, too pointless, too dark, stuff like that ya know?? she said this advice was actually helpful, so i thought maybe i could post it here so maybe someone else finds it helpful!! life is worth living even if it doesn’t feel that way, trust me on that
6me: imagining my own death everynight before bed
my psychiatrist: so how have you been feeling
me: i’m quite alright doc! :)
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I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused when I was young and nobody protected me
0i made the executive decision to open up abt my mental health w the school head of the wellness center (basically a school therapist) and i was extremely skeptical bc school mental health departments suck ass and… i was right 😃😃😃
they asked me some questions and I think i’ve grown so accustomed to speaking carefully and watching my words that i managed to convince them that im not suicidal, while trying to admit i was suicidal lmfaooo i find that really fucking funny 🗿
anyways everyone thinks im swaggy and doing completely find; the therapist thinks im just philosophically questioning the meaning of life which, i am, but not the way she thinks. part of me just wants to scream at everyone i know that im losing my fucking mind and have more plans of suicide than future goals but we clownin
im still not telling anyone abt my possible ed. i need to lose enough weight before i decide to recover bc then theyre gonna make me gain hella
2Honestly shout out to tumblr for being so great with mental health education. I had to start therapy because of the stress of COVID and it really helped that I knew enough terms to explain how I felt and what was going on. It’s possible I wouldn’t be receiving the same level of care if I hadn’t been on tumblr since middle school and learned about concepts like “emotional labor” and “compulsions”
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