Take a breath.
What are you needing right now?
Your needs are important, too. Your wise mind knows what you need. You just need to listen.
So I have avoided contacting any professionals about the fact that my mental health is getting worse. I’m like it’s not too bad, it’s an awkward time, I don’t want to bother anyone I’m sure other people need it more than me.
I work in a hospital and this pandemic hasn’t really hit us yet. The hospital is sitting at about 50% occupancy. Everyone who works there is like where are the sick people? People don’t just suddenly stop getting sick…. people are avoiding going to the Dr, hospital ect. A nurse the other day said there is probably lots of old people unwell sitting at home like it will come right, people overloaded like my weight is going up but I’m sure it will sort itself out.
At this point I realised that that was what I was doing just slightly different. But at work I was thinking other people shouldn’t be avoiding the doctor….
It is embarrassing, going back to T and having to admit to a relapse.
I tell her about the feeling that sits inside me, that chews away and even though I ignore it it is always there. How when I am alone and when I pay attention to it, it gets so big that it hurts, but it is an inside ache, not one that I can fix, how I want it to stop.
She asks me what I do, does it go away? I tell her sometimes I have to make it go away
(In hindsight now, it does, eventually when I get distracted by something else but I don’t always remember that)
She asks me how I make it stop.
I hesitate. I am afraid (of what? Of making her angry? Disappointing her? Disappointing myself? Admitting my failure out loud?). I hide. She points this out. Big sigh. I tell her same old same old. She understands what I mean. I feel a sense of relief. I also feel like a worm.
T says that recovery includes lapses or relapses, and that in times of stress, especially now where everything ive been piecing together has fallen apart, it is understandable I have fallen back in what used to bring me comfort. Just like any other addiction, it served a purpose, it has an emotion attached to it, even though it doesn’t serve the purpose anymore. But there was a reason why I fought so hard to get on top of it (I have forgotten) and there will be a reason why I want to get on top of it again. She reminds me that it worked pretty well in the short term, but it isn’t something I wanted in the long term. The relapses bring with it shame, and shame is a massive trigger for me and starts the cycle again.
She is right, I know.. but part of me wants to keep these behaviours to myself. Because they are mine, the one thing I have left that I can still do, the one thing that that hasn’t changed. And that is where the shame comes in- I should know better, actually I do know better and yet, I do not want to do better.
Coloured version of a modern, human relationship between (okay) Therapist, Hakala, and her (idiot) Patient, Nox.
Hakala: Red; Nox: Dark Green.
Am I going to have to call Jethro on this one, gentlemen?
NCIS 3x05 // Switch
I’m gonna pop this into the world for those of you who work hard at therapy and have those people in your life who often lean on you to be their own therapist just because you’ve learned good coping mechanisms and value your own personal recovery but they dont want to take that leap.
Keep on friends!
im doing ok, ive had a couple of counselling sessions from my uni. i hope everyone is ok during the pandemic, i know it’s a struggle and i just want everyone to be safe, stay indoors, video call friends and loved ones, make sure u take this time to obviously do ur work etc. but to take care of urself and nurture urself. i love u guys !
Marc Chagall, Over The Town (1918)
Honestly one of the most helpful things about therapy isn’t even the therapy session itself…it is thinking about what I am going to tell my therapist when they ask me how I’ve been, how I am going to explain to them what I am feeling, because scheduling with the therapist is hard and is costly in terms of both sleep and money, and I want to make sure I use my time well. And it has helped me so much to actually understand what it is that I am feeling
Not one part of me but wanted to workout today. One, because I’m kinda getting used to @rallypig10 being here to push me. And two, I’ve also been an emotional wreck, because I think the guy I adore most in this world is slipping away, and I don’t know how to stop that from happening.
This is what went up today:
15 min EMOM
3 Push Press 75#
-rest 3 min
15 min EMOM
2 push press 85#
-rest 3 min
15 min EMOM
1 push jerk 95#
My brother-in-law, Bruce Harlow, has spoke as an advocate for NAMI. What he fail to mention was that he exhibited signs of depressive schizophrenia at the age of 14 to 16. He was in trouble with the law both in high school and in his early years of college. So What is missing is that schizophrenia is definitely inherited and when you pretend that it only comes as a shock to you, it doesn’t help people adjust and heal from the damage that you have done to them as well as your own problems.For people to receive help, the larger picture must be allowed into the scope of events. Denial does not help anyone
Me at the beginning of 2020: This year I’m really gonna have to try and be more social to get over my social anxiety. I’ll never make it in this world if I’m too afraid to even leave the house. No more social isolation for me!
2020: Uhmmmm I think the fuck not
I have a text therapy appointment today so obviously I’m going to be doing bong rips while unpacking my trauma
it’ll be just like sexting Grizz 🐻
so i have diagnosed MDD and anxiety and have depressive episodes/panic attacks/meltdowns pretty often, and my darling SO does not know how to support even though he wants to. i put this list together for him so that he can help me, and i thought it would be nice to share for anyone who wants to help a loved one during a mental episode. keep in mind everyone is different and that this list is specific to me :))
1. if i say “i’m fine”, i am absolutely not fine (alternatively, “i’m alright” is good, and i’m probably actually alright haha)
2. if i say something lengthy and depressing and quickly apologize and change the subject, don’t move on to the subject change. show me you care enough to notice that i’m upset about something, you’ll probably get me to talk about it
3. this includes avoiding questions or giving vague answers to stuff
4. if i make a concerning comment about depression/death/anxiety, assume it’s a cry for help and take it seriously
5. these emojis 😎😁😆😞 signify that something is probably up, but determine that based on the context
6. please entertain my weird philosophical discussions, i like sharing my thinking process and learning about yours
7. if you don’t know what to do to help/support, just ask me
8. please let me know if you’re overwhelmed with something i’m saying and need a breather, the last thing i want is to drag you down if you’re trying to pull me up
9. genuine compliments that counteract the insecurity i’m talking about work wonders
10. short answers or an “i gtg” out of nowhere mean i’m upset, give me some space and then when we talk next ask me about it
11. checking in on me means a lot to me! start the conversation once in a while so i know that i’m not bothering you and you actually do want to talk to me, and every now and then ask “how are you feeling” or “how’s your mood” or “has today been a good day” or smth along those lines
12. teasing/roasting is good and welcome but please balance it out with affection and compliments! im an (affectionate) bully, but i’m also sensitive
13. if you’re stressed or not feeling well and need support, please come to me!! it shows me that you’re vulnerable too and that i can trust you, and helping other people makes me feel really good
14. tell me that you’re here for me
15. if i’m having a panic attack, tell me to breathe and have me calm down, then i can sort out the rest myself
16. be proactive!! i’m like a little plant, water and sunlight every day, not just when i look like i’m wilting!!
17. don’t feel the need to fix my problems. good advice is usually welcome but i’m generally just looking for someone to listen, so just a “that sucks, i’m sorry, i’m here for you” after a rant is plenty
I SHOULD NEVER BE AN OBLIGATION TO YOU OR STRESS YOU OUT, YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO BE MY THERAPIST. IM GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP, ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO BE THAT FOR ME. you should only try to help if you actively want to, not out of a sense of duty. it’s not an easy thing to do and that’s okay!! you’ll learn, i’ll learn, it’ll be alright. just supporting me and having fun conversations does plenty ❤️