✨Possible TW. Don’t know.✨
✨Family decided to come over today. Great. Knew things would get nasty really quickly. Mum decides to make shepherds pie, but she cooked the mash into little balls, and put that in the meat mixture. She also brings some fruit, which I guess is a bonus, so I decide to only eat that and head up to my room - I’ll either throw it away, chew & spit, (gross, I know), or simply eat it. It’s around 2 in the afternoon, and I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday evening, so of course my body has to to want to eat more.✨
✨So, I go and check out some of the pie she made. Smells delicious- kind of. I take three, or so, scoops, my mind tells me to stop; you’re going to get fat and have to start all over again. You know, all the classic thoughts. Ate some more food that we had in the house, along with that too, so that was amazing. I shove that all down mechanically, not thinking about the taste, texture, or even my surroundings. I just eat.✨
And eat,
And eat.
I feel like I’m about to implode,
✨Before I stop. Just sitting there. I honestly found it so difficult to even want to look down at my bloated, fat self. I can’t go to the bathrooom because they’d hear me. Fuck. Im screwed. I was planning on a 72 - hour fast, that started last night, but I guess that’s gone to waste. 14 whole hours gone. Just binging day, after day, after day, promising and telling myself that tomorrow is a new day, (it’s not), and that I can always start again, but better. I never fucking do. It’s the same bullshit every single day.✨
✨The rest of my freinds are beautiful, skinny, careless. Don’t have to worry about the way their thighs jiggle, or how heavy they are when they sit on the couch. In fact, they’re always boasting about their size. How proud they are of themselves. Then that leaves me. Insecure as fuck, and failing at what I love doing the most.✨
All I want to do is too loose weight, and do it right, but I just end up failing myself, and all those around me.
Wish I was six feet under right now. I guess all I have to comfort me now are my razor blades.
0I woke up at 4:20am and now I’m getting really really tired. Might need a nap after work. But I don’t want to miss another study day. :(
2Day twelve:
I don’t eat much tbh, I usually snack throughout the day. (I need to stop that lol)
One normal day for me is:
Breakfast -> nothing on weekdays and cereal on weekends
Lunch -> Coca-Cola or energy drink(monster) and whatever my mom made lol
Dinner ->hot chocolate or black tea lol
Snacks -> a fruit, chips or something like that
The majority of the calories I consume are from energy drinks and snacks lol
1“I couldn’t tell you why she felt that way. She felt it everyday. And I couldn’t help her. I just watched her make the same mistakes again…”
Avril Lavigne, “Nobody’s Home”
22Bakit ganon? Ikaw na yung umiintindi, ikaw na yung nagpaparaya, pero sa huli ikaw pa yung masama?
Kapag oras dapat namin, bigla siyang tatawagan para utus-utusan. Minsan 1 hour nalang time namin para makapagsama which is thankful na ako. Palagi siyang tatawagan para utusan sa kanila which is i understand kasi girlfriend lang naman ako. Family first. So i’m understanding everything na di ako priority when it comes to family niya.
But there are times na parang sakin pa yung sisi, like?? Wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang umintindi sa kanya. Kahit may sakit ako at sobrang sakit ng ulo at kailangan ko alaga niya pero inutusan din siya sakanila go lang ako. Pumapayag ako. I don’t want to be selfish. Pero sana naman wag ako yung sisihin niya kung bakit siya napapagalitan diba? Like alam ko naiipit siya at napapagod siya but sana alam niyang wala akong ginagawa sa kanya para magalit siya at sakin niya isisi lahat.
Napapagod din naman ako. Palagi nalang kasing ganyan. Palaging ako yung masama samin. Minsan natatakot na ko humingi pa ng oras sa kanya kasi baka masabihan akong demanding. Kaya kung anong oras natataggap ko i appreciate pa rin. Kasi halos lahat ng time ko nasakanya, kapag nagtuturo ako ng modules sa kapatid ko at dumaing siyang gutom kahit busy ako ipagsasaing ko pa siya at papupuntahin sa bahay. Kahit busy ako sa paperworks makikipagusap ako sakanya. At ako pa gagawa ng assignments niya lahat.
Pero napapagod din naman ako. Sana alam niya yon. Kasi depressed na nga ako tapos yung taong akala ko ay mabibigyan ako ng comfort at happiness, pangdodown pa ginagawa sakin.
0Struggling through to the weekend. Planning my outdoor dining outfits.
#morningcommute #outdoordining #work #tired #tier2 #covid19 #coronavirus #lockdown #London (at Westminster)
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGo1lWegD8_/?igshid=1o1s2ddz2simz0I’m getting tired of this iron deficiency anemia… usually you’re told what the reason is behind the anemia. My doctor didn’t look into it at all!!! I mentioned my periods and she said “No, you have to bleed so much that you wake up twice to change a pad”… what?!
What makes it worse is that my chest pain hasn’t gone away. I’ve been dealing with this for 3 months and it hasn’t gotten better. I just want to be able to walk normally again without feeling winded or my heart racing. I have no one to really talk with about my struggles… I’m nervous cause I think it might be something worse. A few months back, I got bit by 6 ticks (not at once). I’m scared it might be Lyme disease and I’m tired of doctors not listening…
0god i’m tired like so tired to the point where i’m too tired to force myself to go to bed does that make any sense please it’s 3 in the morning
0
