12/12/2019

Alright. Hello. I am still alive. And I realise I have not ranted in quite a while so I am doing it now.

Parents who do not understand being an introvert, am I right?

Since I am moving schools for Senior High School, we obviously had to go apply to another school.

It so happens that an interview is a part of the process of applying to this specific school. Let us call this school, School A.

The interview was today at 0800H, which meant I had to be able to properly talk with people that early in the fucking morning. And fuck I was able to do it, but I feel so fucking drained because I used up all my energy for today on that fucking morning interview.

And my mother decides to be fucking annoyed at me because I am fucking tired??? She was like “you have been tired the whole day” and I would fucking love to explain to her about introversion but I just know that she will not fucking understand it. I get that we have like family reunion kind of, but I thought that at least my health fucking mattered to you???

Thank the fucking lord my aunt offered to bring me back to the room we are staying at. I am currently typing this while lying down in the bed, still really tired but not able to sleep because it is just not happening.

Fuck. I wish parents were more fucking open and understanding to shit like this.

End

I’m tired of being so exhausted.

Work wore me out today!

Mi-ai pus pământ peste suflet

Mi-ai luat puterea din urlet

M-ai lăsat fără vreun zâmbet

L-ai înlocuit cu plânset!💔😔

-DMC

If you peel back the tear stained flesh of my cheeks, you’ll find criticisms etched into my jaw, the bleached bones ruined, grafitied with doubt. Letters and numbers scar my skull, the eroding system has reduced me to this pitiful cage of existence.

-c.f

Alyssis n Acholee da super team

pouty today tho

Ugh, bleh. I’ve got allergies

Tomorrow is a huge day for me and i’m nervous af.

Well shit

Tired

Friday we went and shut down my moms bank account. She’s been gone a year now and she would have been 72 this year. Afterward we went to a horse show.

Both of these really brought me down. I miss my mom so much, this time of year, Christmas was never a good time for me anyway but I always looked forward to the time I could spend with her during her works shut down when I was a kid.

I miss riding horses, I miss the sound and the smell of the barn. Before we bought the house we are in now, we owned a small farm. We had a few horses, Rae, Lotto, Jake, Doc, Skip and Nibs. Due to health issues almost 4 years ago I am now physically unable to ride. Watching as each horse found a new home broke my heart. When my horse Rae left the farm it was so bad I had to leave for the weekend. I couldn’t stand the empty barn.

I try to be upbeat for my baby girl so she doesn’t have the memories of Christmas being a bad time of year as I did. But this year I find it extra hard.

Love you all

MG

cigarettes are a girls best friend

I’m really, really bad at holding onto stupid shit

Really just ready for 2020 now… forget Christmas & the rest of December.

Despite being tired as fuck, I finished my essay 👍🏾. I’ve been really productive today, now I’m going to sleep lol 😴.

I’m so tired of the dramas
I’m so tired of being used
I’m so tired of hearing and telling lies
I’m so tired of being betrayed by people
I’m so tired of hoping things could change
I’m so tired of false hope every damn time
I’m so tired of cheering myself up
I’m so tired of faking smiles and laughter
I’m so tired of caring
I’m so tired of adjusting 
I’m so tired of always overthinking
I’m so tired waking up tired
I’m just so tired of being sad
I’m just so tired of how things are

Ok look.

A few month ago during making love with my now ex-boyfriend, I kinda like bit into his sweater without thinking much, because of obvious reasons. Except it wasn’t just his sweater. So I accidentally like bit his skin and he (also for obvious reasons) said “ow” and I was like apologizing the shit out of myself and he said it’s okay and nothing happened, it just turned purple a little.

So now it’s a few month later, 2 am and I’m still so sorry for that, that I just teared up a little. Like I’m SO sorry.

This is what always happens when I make any mistakes. And it doesn’t stop after a few month. There’s things…like a lot of things…I did wrong as a child that still haunt me a lot.

Just in case you wondered why I hate myself since I’m such a whatever person and have whatever talents. That’s why. I made mistakes, maybe just accidents and that’s ok. BUT HELL ITS NOT OK AT ALL.