Sure is fun to remember that your mothers would explode into anger if you ever sounded “snotty” and threaten to physically hurt you, and following through with it on occasion; full palm slap, clawing at your eye, shoving you because of a bad grade
Even more fun to remember that sometimes they’d detect backtalk that wasn’t there, getting angry and leading you to plead and beg desperately to prove that you really weren’t trying to talk back
Had almost forgotten about that
I want to be treated gently for once. Please.
I honestly, genuinely don’t want what life has coming for me in the next year. I dont want it. I just want to sleep
[TW for depression, suicide, cursing]
Everyone keeps saying it gets better. Everyone keeps saying it gets easier it’s worth it life has good times and all that
I don’t get it. It got better for like a year and a half and then it was right back to where I started. I quit my job after starting yesterday because my anxiety got so bad I couldn’t bring myself to go back. Moms mad at me, aunts gonna be disappointed, all I wanna do is drop out and kill myself. Maybe slip into a drug induced haze for a while. Find out the deadly dose of meth. Idk. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong with only using overdose-proof drugs.
I’m over it. Everything’s going wrong. I’m useless and unreliable and a burden and a disappointment and I’m tired of everyone around me being so damn happy and feeling my heart tear every time I fake a smile and struggling to fucking exist let alone contribute. I’m done. I’m so done. I’m so fed up and overwhelmed and there’s no way I’m gonna be able to do anything.
My father was right I’m never gonna go anywhere. I’m gonna be homeless at 30. No one will ever love me. There’s no point. There’s no fucking point anymore in getting up and suffering and struggling and feeling awful just to do it again and never get fucking anywhere.
Es ist mal wieder soweit.
Eine dieser Nächte, die so unendlich lange scheinen.
So unendlich traurig und einsam.
So unerträglich kalt und schmerzhaft.
Ich wünsche mir so sehnlich den Schlaf der mich fort trägt.
Fort von meinen Gedanken,
Fort von den Erinnerungen,
Fort von der Dunkelheit.
Doch dieser Schlaf den ich mir so sehr wünsche wird mir verweht.
PTSD triggers be like:
Movie: *has a violent and drawn out rape scene*
Me: *is fine*
Radio: *plays Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns and Roses*
Me: *has a literal panic attack*
I could not keep my feet on the ground. My brain was full of poison and Harry. I was surprised he couldn’t feel my thoughts in his flesh like daggers. I couldn’t keep from messaging him, in a passion.
Me: “You’ve messed me up with this. It’s like I’m back where I was months ago when you were making all these promises that weren’t true. I can’t go through this again.”
Him: “I’m sorry. If you would like to choose to disbelieve everything I’ve said and continue trying to move on I will stay off contact.”
Me: “Do you think I can just forget you’ve said this?”
Him: “I’m sorry if it was the wrong decision to tell you. My judgement where you’re concerned isn’t always the best. I feel like you’re trying to tell me you’ve started seeing someone. If that’s true I have no comment other than to say I hope it’s making you feel better.”
I ignored his last ridiculous statement.
Me: “Tell me what’s going to happen after the therapeutic disclosure. Since you’re sure about this, you must have some sort of plan in place. So what’s going to happen?”
Him: “The details will be done on where my wife decides she wants to live. I feel like you’re trying to catch me out somehow. Who are you seeing? Is it someone I know?”
I felt so angry, I wasn’t able to formulate a reply.
After a few minutes he rang me.
“Su, it seems like you’re trying to trick me or catch me out.”
“I’m trying to get the truth out of you, Harry! You say all these things but you don’t have a clue what you’re doing.”
“I am telling you the truth.”
“Just like all the other times you’ve told me the truth?”
“I know this has been drawn out longer than I thought it would be, but I’m trying to do things the right way. Please will you just tell me if you’re seeing someone?”
It seemed so unfair of him to be asking this question, this question he had been obsessed with as long as he’d known me, that I could barely gather my thoughts to form an articulate response.
I stuttered, and then exploded. “Why is that the only thing that ever matters! I’m waiting for you, not the other way around. All you’ve done for the last eighteen months is ask me if I’m seeing somebody else, when it’s you who’s seeing somebody else!”
“So you are, then.”
I wanted to scream and smash my phone into the ground.
“Fine, since it is the only thing you can think about, no. No, I’m not seeing somebody else. My response is the same as it has been the last ten thousand times you’ve asked me this question. I only want you, nobody else interests me, and I’m in no fit state to be dating anyway. Are you happy now? Does it please you that I’m so pathetic?”
“I’m just so frightened that you’re going to settle for somebody else because you think there’s no hope.”
“Have I ever, ever, given you any indication that I’m interested in anyone but you? I left my boyfriend for you over a year ago. I’ve done everything I need to do to be with you but you’re acting as if I’m the one messing you around. Can’t you see how cruel it is to ask me these questions just to satisfy your own insecurities?”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m doing everything wrong. I’m trying, though. I promise I’m trying. Look, I promise I won’t contact you again until it’s done. I want to do the right thing by you. Please just do whatever you need to do in the meantime and don’t think about me.”
“Easier said than done, Harry. I have one question for you, before you go. If your wife still wants to make it work after the therapeutic disclosure, would you still leave her?”
“It’s entirely hypothetical but, yes, I would leave her.”
“Because there is no way she’ll want to stay once she hears it all. She’d have too much self-respect to want to be with me once I’ve told her I don’t want to be with her.”
Poor, deluded Harry, I thought. Even now, he cannot understand how his wife will react. Self-respect didn’t come into it. This was about blood.
it’s back to feeling anger and resentment in my head and hands and being super depressed the moment i see a notification from my mom again. back to she knowing the topic upsets me greatly yet purposely bring it up everyday because “it’s the truth though;” like she knows better and i know nothing and she has to spoon feed me, pretending she’s superior; or that she’s “just trying to help” while in reality she’s just projecting her anxiety on me and i can see nothing but selfishness and immaturity in that.
my pet peeve is someone explaining to me things that i actually know more than them about. absolute worst pet peeve.
My hot take of the week:
When you don’t think of someone as an actual person, with emotions and needs just like you, you’re desensitized from them. You can kill them easier.
You can shatter them easier.
As a diamond, Pink hardly ever got to see the other sides to the gems except for the Diamonds. She begins to learn that Pearl has different sides to her and realizes gems aren’t just one thing with one purpose- but this takes a while to learn. Afterall, the idea that gems can only be one thing was burned into her brain from the beggining. It had to be if she was going to be a diamond.
She left Spinel before she learned that gems aren’t just these one sided simulations that cant be hurt- in other words, she left Spinel before she knew the depth and dimension a gem could have. What Pink thought she was leaving was a lifeless hologram akin to any other gem that served and “loved” her. But Pink was wrong- Spinel DID truly love her.
So who’s fault is it for Spinel’s trauma? I argue it’s not a black and white situation. I believe Pink didn’t leave Spinel because she was annoyed. Spinel reminded her of every other sad lifeless gem that “loved” her and she wanted to escape that. But Spinel DID truly love her. And that was Pink’s mistake.
I am NOT saying Pink was in the right! But I am absolutely saying she didn’t mean to hurt Spinel.
God I hope this was articulated well because to me it looks like indecipherable word vomit
This body is not a temple
But rather, a decaying showcase of ruin
By the cruelty and ideology of this world.
It is repulsive, you have filled me with rage and rot.
Admitting that what happened wasn’t and isn’t okay is one of the first steps to recovery.
Admitting that you are hurt is hard, but it can help bring forth progress with healing.
It is alright to feel hurt and pain for what was done to you. It is not weakness.
Even with the pain, you are strong.
Keep up the hard fight.
Hey is it normal for your dad to make jokes about you being his slave and him having to ‘crack the whip because nobody else will’ constantly, and say that you should be grateful that you have food and a house? Asking for a friend.
today would have marked 5 years with my abuser.
While I have grown from that (and him), I feel stuck in place. My trauma has pinned me down and not let me take a breath. I don’t know what to do.