Last night I thought I could unhinge my secret … just for a moment. That I was stronger than it.
It has a hold that I can’t deny … or underestimate it’s power.
One of the most amazing things that can happen in life, is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.
But until that secret is gone … nothing can let me see myself as a strength. Wipe the tears, put on the mask … keep going.
I need to be somewhere different. Maybe I need to be someone different, too.
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
“I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me” is part of the chorus of a song made popular by the group Journey. It sums up the longing of many to know true love, to be able to recognize it when they see it.
The view of love that today’s verse gives us is not the sugary sweet romantic love based on looks and feelings. It is not that of love based on sensuality. It not that of loved based on brotherhood or common bond. Instead it is a love that is extended to one not worthy of it. It is a love that looks beyond the condition of the one it is extended to. It is a love that does not wait for everything to be right before being extended. It is a love that comes in at the lowest moment and bid us to look up.
God did not wait for us to get cleaned up to send his son to die in our place and pay the price of our sin. We never could have done it. No, while we were yet in our sin, Christ died for us. While we were yet in our sin, unaware of the depth of our need, God commended his love towards us. Christ in his love for us paid a debt he did not owe because we had a debt we could not pay.
Overcoming heartbreak is impossible. I think we get through it but I don’t think we overcome it. People say just let go and move on. You are just torturing yourself. You can’t make someone love you. It’s true. I have loved and not been loved in return and have been loved but not shared the same feelings. I understand that “hope” will not change anything. There is love or there isn’t. It can not be forced. When you know a person has been awful and don’t deserve your love but you love them anyway. It just means your intentions and heart is pure. It’s not their fault they don’t feel the same way and it doesn’t make them bad. Journaling has helped and I believe there is a story forthcoming. I will have a book that shares those letters and the many things I have learned in this journey.