Honesty time. Ok, so this pandemic is longer than I
thought it would be and spiritually, I have been in a weird space. I have not
been feeling connected to God at all and frankly have just felt as if I was out
in the world, wandering. There were some things I was hoping to accomplish by
now that I haven’t, and some prayers that just seemingly were going unanswered.
So, like the good Christian that I am, I did the good Christian thing and
stopped talking to God. Of course, I prayed my normal prayers with my kiddos
and hubby, our normal Lord’s prayer and even added in some Psalms 91 because
the pandemic and life is still so real. Recently, I was sitting and watching a
church service and heard the pastor say, could God trust you, as he quoted Malachi
referencing tithe and offerings. I began to think about all the things I was
trying to accomplish and how they were not progressing, the depression I was in
and the overwhelming stress I was experiencing and chalked it all up to “God
must not trust me.” I recalled when I was a little girl my mother would say
things like “take care of your things so God can trust you with other things”
and “You have to show God he can trust you.” The guilt and shame that hit me
came at oddly wonderful time. I was in a low space. Low enough to recognize,
this saying was not from God and because I question just about everything, I went
into full investigation mode. I have come to find that a lot of the things we
say in our Christian walk that sounds good and appears to be from and of God,
are completely wrong and contrary to his word.
There I was, searching and searching for a scripture or
anything that said, “God…trusts…us.” I finally closed google and after reading
several scriptures on trust, I finally just asked, “God do you trust me?” I must
admit I was offended by his very straightforward, “No.” I said to myself, “wait
Lord…maybe you didn’t hear me correctly.” After asking again, I got the same
answer. In my mind, I promise I heard God answer, “Nah Bruh.” Me being me, I
needed an explanation. Why didn’t God trust me. Not one time in my research did
I ever land on a verse that said trust man. Instead it was always, in variations,
“trust God, and put your trust in the Lord.” I said, “God, why then do you
contend with me?” God’s answer, “Because of Me.” (meaning himself) So often, we
make everything about us that we have even convinced ourselves that God finds
us trustworthy. We serve a God whom states that after searching for someone
worthy enough to swear an oath on His own word by, He found none greater or
more trustworthy than himself and proceeded to swear by himself on His own word. His explanation
to me was so simple and yet so profound. “It’s the God in me that God trusts.” God
only trust his own word because it alone is true. So many times, I, like many
of you, have been guilted into thinking that God couldn’t trust me and could
have saved myself a ton of stress by acknowledging that God doesn’t and God won’t.
My weird space was due to way too much self-indulgence.
All the pressure I have put on myself because I had believed in clichés that
are so common they seemed true. If God never tells us to trust us, why would He?
I am remised at how often I have exalted
myself, by removing my loving Father from his throne and taking His place to
govern my own life. Repeatedly, God reminds us to trust him because He will only
trust His word. Even the angels only hearken to the voice of God. But what
about us? God says, “I have not left you without an advocate that dwells inside
of you.” He says, “I will pour out MY spirit on all people.” He goes even further
“It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in humans.” Because it
is the God in us, that God trusts.
We must stop asking people…humans…mere
mortals…man, can God trust them, because it sounds good and we want them to do better, because the answer will
always be NO. However, we must put the onus of trust back on God. That God would fill us so
that we would have something inside of us for His word to stand on. Fill us
that when we speak, it sounds like you God, and angels move. I’m convinced, these
trust issues I once had, I shall see them no more and I am grateful that it is
not a burden I have to bear. God is God alone, not me. I cannot be trusted, but
God and Him in me, can.