Archie: Sooo, you know how you didn’t pay child support for the first 14 years of my life?
Alex: ...Because I literally had no idea you existed and you were in a completely different dimension of which I physically had no access to, but yes, go on.
Archie: I’m thinking you can pay me back for all that with one singular purchase!
Alex: I’m not buying you a puppy, Archie.
Archie: AWW, C’MOOOOON, ONLY A LITTLE ONE!!!! IT WON’T TAKE UP MUCH SPACE, I PROMISE!!!!!!!
Alex: I don’t want a puppy, I want a giant isopod!
Archie: :( Please? Just one puppy!!
Alex: No, I said I’d never have a dog again.
Archie: Why? What happened to the last one?
Archie: Ohmygod - you didn’t eat it, did you?!
Alex: NO, Archimedes!! It died and I don’t want another dog.
Archie: ...What if we enchanted a dog that never dies?
Alex: Oh, you’re asking me to commit a miracle now???
Archie: Hey, I don’t know!!!! I thought faeries were supposed to do that sort of thing!!!!
Alex: Archimedes, I’m an unseelie changeling, the best I can do with my magic is give your puppy parvovirus and two weeks left to live, is that what you want????
Caroline: (enters with puppy) Hey, Archie, I got that puppy you told me your Dad asked for!
Alex: .........................You little shit.
Archie: :’) Oh yeah, the puppy you wanted! *takes puppy from Caroline* Here you go Dad...! *holds on to puppy* Here’s the puppy you definitely asked me to ask Caroline to get you! *still holding on to puppy* ............. *still holding on to puppy*
Archie: :’) .......... *still holding on to puppy*
Archie: CAN I KEEP HIM??? PLEASE???
Caroline: :o I thought it was a bit odd that Alex would ask for a dog! He hates dogs!
Alex: I don’t hate dogs, Caroline, I brought home a lost puppy when I was a child and my father stomped it to death in front of me.
Caroline: JESUS CHRIST, ALEXSANDER?????????????????
Archie: THAT’S HORRIBLE?!!?!?!?!??!
Alex: Is it? I still have its skull. *reaches into pocket and pours many broken pieces of bone and dust onto the table*
Caroline: STOOOOOPP, OH MY GOD, PUT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alex: Nice puppy -- *reaches to pet the puppy*
Archie: O_O *hiding the puppy protectively underneath his jacket* HELL no...!
Alex: ...Caroline, you have a puppy now.
Archie: NooOOooo - pleaseeee, let me keep him!!!
Caroline: :) It’s okay, Archie! You can visit him all the time!! *takes back the puppy and scratches behind its ears* I’m gonna call him Baxter!!!!
Archie: *being dragged away by Alex holding on to his ankles while he’s kicking and screaming* NOOOOOO, GIVE ME BACK MY DOG, THAT’S MY DOG, MY BABYYYYYYYYYYY---------