What Have I Done to Deserve This?
Fandom: Love, Victor
Relationships: Romantic Victor/Felix, Victor & Simon
Characters: Victor Salazar, Felix Weston, Simon Spier
Summary: Victor is usually the one who talks first on the walkie-talkie, so he's surprised that the opposite happens at 2:00 AM.
Word count: 2.413
A/N: And here I go violently shipping a pairing that will never EVER be canon. I know the endgame pairings btw. But I’ve been an avid Velix shipper since episode one. I’m honestly surprised Victor and Felix didn’t have SOMETHING, even a hint Felix might be LGBT himself. That kid is definitely not straight.
Anyway, this is... mostly canon as of Victor coming out to Felix. This is pretty loose though, so just take this as harmless fanfiction. Maybe it was a way of projecting myself onto Felix. This poor baby 3 I hope you enjoy this, but please do watch out for the trigger warnings below.
Title is a nod to Pet Shop Boys. Kudos to Love, Victor playing a PSB song in the gay club. PSB is absolutely gay culture.
TRIGGER WARNINGS - bullying and implied homophobia
Hate comments will be deleted. No I especially do not want anyone saying “but they’re better as friends-”, shut up. Let me have this.
He’s usually the one activating the walkie-talkie, and always gets a response no matter the time.
After a… particularly good day today, Victor wasn’t quite expecting Felix’s voice coming from the old-fashioned device at 2:00 AM.
“… Victor? Are you there?” Felix adds, “Over.”
Yawning, he takes the walkie-talkie. “Yeah?”
“S- Sorry for waking you up.”
“It’s alright, man. What’s up?”
Felix is not quite a silent character, so hearing it personally concerns him. If he’s quiet, then there’s definitely something off.
“Could you, um… meet me up at that weird old tree we go to?” Felix requests. “I-I mean, you don’t have to—”
“No, no, don’t worry. I’m coming.” Victor is already coming out of his bed for this reason, as he puts Simon’s jacket over his pajamas, and tiptoes to the window. You never knew if Pilar was on the night watch-out, so he’d have to be extra careful.
In less than five minutes Victor is in front of the famous tree, a dried out, old specimen filled with probably century-old carvings. Some are initials of couples that Victor will probably never hear from. The fruits of the tree are something unknown even to Felix who’s apparently lived here his whole life. Who knows if that fruit is even edible?
Felix rushes himself to the tree, his hair looking wilder than ever, like he’s been grabbing it every other five minutes. Unbeknownst to him, the streetlight reflecting on his face gives away silent tear stains, at which Victor is shocked.
“Hey,” he says instinctively, meeting up with Felix on the way. “What happened? You okay?”
Felix isn’t looking at him; he shakes his head while staring at their socked feet.
Unsure what it was meant to answer, Victor guides him to the lonely bench by the old tree, like it’s its own historical attraction in this neighborhood. He’s seen a few Creekwood couples taking pictures here, but overall, it seems untouched.
“Well, something is definitely bothering you,” Victor states the obvious. “You… wanna talk about it?”
Felix has his arms crossed, still refusing to look at Victor in the eye. His lips are hidden, pressing teeth over one another.
“… there’s… a lot you don’t know about me. Even if it doesn’t look like it,” Felix admits in a low voice. “I don’t think I have the gut to tell you yet. Or ever. D-Don’t take it personally.”
Felix sighs, biting his lip.
“I’m always sad, really… I’ve had my fair share of sleepless crying nights over the years. At this point I don’t think anyone bothers to check on me, because it’s never going away. I think I can at least… swallow that up and move on.”
Victor nods, seeing there’s more.
“I’m trying to be- y’know, proud of myself, despite everything else telling me the opposite. At least I like to think I’m not pretending to say witty things just to be weird. But maybe I’m too stupid to admit the truth.” Felix’s voice breaks in the last words, somehow reduced to a whisper that could easily be blown away by the cold chill.
“I wish I was someone you’d be proud of. Not just as in the best friend way – ‘cause everyone knows I’m your best friend and I’m definitely proud of being your friend –, I mean in… the ordinary boyfriend way. In the way someone is willing to hold my hand or give me a little peck on the cheek or a good luck kiss before a game. In the way someone wants to call me on a date and not cover me with a dark cap and a baggy disguise like I’m in a Marvel movie. I wish I could actually be Clark Kent, and not Superman for a change. Or Peter Parker in this case.”
Although Felix’s references might be too… specific or weirdly used, this time it makes the more sense Victor has heard. Especially as he’s wearing Simon’s jacket, still smelling much like the food and basketball of New York.
“I’ll never be an ordinary boyfriend. It’s like I’m wearing a colorful diaper over my pants the entire time. I guess the Lone Stone truly is… lonesome.” Felix sniffs. “And that’s the superhero destiny the world has forced upon me.”
He’s not crying right now but he sounds like he’s about to break down. Victor puts an arm around his shoulders, just to remind Felix he’s not alone right now.
“Felix,” Victor speaks, “you’d be the perfect ordinary boyfriend.”
The other boy simply shakes his head.
“I’m not lying to you,” Victor reassures, “I, I know I’m not good with the truth, but… I think you’re the only person I’ve never lied to. Not even my mom or my sister or- or my girlfriend knows I’m…” he gulps. “What I’m saying is, you’re not someone to be embarrassed of. You weren’t born to be lonely. The world might think that way, but believe me, it’s not true.”
Felix’s eyes finally meet his eyes, though for the first time they’re completely doubtful. Felix is usually the one who reassures Victor he’s not alone in this entirely elitist world, so the role swap is certainly interesting – but not bad.
“I know I can only speak as your friend who’s not been around for too long, but I… I wouldn’t be ashamed if you were my boyfriend. I think I’d be pretty lucky.” Victor grins. “You inspire me to be a better person.”
Felix smirks and then laughs. “You’re exaggerating.”
“No, I’m not!” Victor exclaims but not angrily, as he’s smiling too. “You get out of your bed every single day even when you have every reason not to come out. You come by earlier than 7:00 AM to take me to school, never once breaking that promise you don’t have to keep up. You’ve been my friend the moment I stepped here, you always answer the walkie-talkie whenever I need someone to talk to, you’ve never once left me even when I was being unreasonable – and for that I’m sorry because you don’t deserve to be treated like trash. You deserve every credit for still standing. You deserve someone who loves you the same way you love them. You deserve to be fought for.”
This entire time, Felix is smiling, crying tears of relief. Victor squeezes him in the half-hug, certainly he’ll wrap both arms around Felix, but for now they need to share the eye contact.
“You deserve to just be Clark Kent or Peter Parker or… every ordinary guy out there. There’s nothing bad about wanting to be ordinary,” Victor tells him. “And it’s okay if today you’re not smiling. You’re as valid when you’re unhappy. You’re valid all the time.”
Felix snorts, failing to clean his nose with his sleeve. “I-I’m glad my p-pep talks have gotten into you.”
“See? I learn from the best.”
Finally, Felix crashes in his arms, and Victor takes a hold of him without a problem. Felix doesn’t cry loudly; he doesn’t sob like his life depends on it. In spite of his flamboyant personality, his suffering is quiet, unseen, ignored. It shouldn’t count less for not being “apparent”.
Victor definitely knows what he’s talking about.
Felix stops trembling at least, the cold wind isn’t coming off too strong. The bench is admittedly freezing, but they’re able to get through it together.
Some of the remaining fruits fall off though, as least you can tell with Felix’s pained interjection. Victor can’t help snickering.
“Alas, poor Lone Stone,” he quotes. “I can’t even be vulnerable without a tree telling me to shut up.”
“I’ll protect you.”
Victor indeed does take his jacket off and puts it over Felix’s head.
“… Oookay, I didn’t think you’d be serious.”
“It matters, Felix. You matter to me.”
They smile in quietude. The streetlights seem to make Felix brighter than he already is.
“It’s… warm,” Felix mumbles, cozying in the denim jacket. Victor automatically reaches out a finger to a sticking tear drop on the other’s cheek that won’t leave his face alone.
Felix doesn’t flinch away, though he instantly looks his way with surprise. Victor takes it away almost immediately.
“Uhm… t-that was nice, actually,” Felix laughs nervously. “Uh, that sounds like I never have maternal affection at all. I mean… Okay, I’ll stop talking.”
Although he has second thoughts, Victor does touch Felix’s cheek again, cleaning the not dried tear stains. Felix might melt at the gestures.
“I’m acting like a child, aren’t I,” Felix fears. Victor shakes his head.
“I p-probably should…” he finally stops. “I don’t want to- c-complicate everything more than I have. You especially don’t deserve it.”
Felix shrugs, “I know you’ll figure things out and be honest with yourself. You have my whole support. Nothing’s gonna change our friendship.”
Licking his own dry lip, Victor scoots closer, their smoky breaths overlapping. Saying like this probably sounds grosser than it should, but Victor at this point doesn’t care anymore. Their hands even touch like in a romantic movie.
“If… If it does change…” he wonders, “would that be a good change?”
They’re close enough to touch each other’s lips. Felix smells like… books, those old books no one bothers reading despite having the most unique and outstanding covers. Only a few will take it out of the stand, and fewer might bring it home with them.
“I… hope so,” Felix whispers, his brown eyes drawn to Victor’s dry lips.
The chemistry between them has always been there. Staring at them, asking them each time, “Well, are you gonna do it? When are you gonna do it?”
And well, they do it.
Quite too fast for his likening, but Felix is the one that advances.
“So maybe I’ve wanted to kiss your pretty face for a while now,” Felix laughs.
Victor blinks and falls in laughter too.
“Yeah, I mean, you’re blushing.”
Felix’s eyes widen comically, “I am?”
Victor snorts, “Oh, you totally are.”
“Oh jeez. I’m too white.”
“Like Snow White.”
Felix grins, “Maybe I’ve finally found the prince to awaken me from eternal sleep.”
Victor can tell he’s blushing too.
“Just, um… be honest to Mia. To yourself. You’re honest to me, but I want you to be true to yourself. Okay?” Felix advises.
Felix sighs deeply, clapping and rubbing his hands together. “Guess we should go back to bed. It’s getting nasty cold out here.” They stand up. “Believe me, you don’t want to see me sick.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“You say that, but you’ll change your mind when you realize I’m the touchiest thing to exist. I wouldn’t leave you out of my bed the entire day.”
“Really, I wouldn’t mind that.”
“Even if you got sick, too?”
“Even then. It’d be worth it.”
Felix’s blush reddens even more somehow; Victor guesses the streetlight only makes him look paler and redder.
Before they part their ways in the same building, they squeeze each other’s hands for a quick second. And before going to bed, Victor texts Mia they need to talk – in person, obviously. He hopes he can finally solve this without hurting anyone else anymore.
The day after his difficult talk with Mia – which goes… quite too well, or so he hopes –, is (thankfully) not a school day, so when Victor wakes up at 7:00 AM, his parents and his siblings are still soundly asleep. Hence why only Victor comes to the doorstep to meet Felix, and the two walk out in the upcoming winter. They hold hands the entire time, looking out for one another in this cloudy sunrise, this chilly and scary but beautiful fog.
They’re not too certain what’s ahead of them, but at least they’ve got each other. As corny as it might sound.
Today I learned that sometimes life does turn out like in a lot of romantic movies: the love you’ve been seeking might be right next door. Felix is not really seen as the dreamy guy everyone fantasizes about, like Benji or Andrew, but he’s definitely too good to be true.
I guess the tension between us has always been there, but I didn’t want to admit it. And I think he was also a little scared considering all the bullying he went through for so long. But this morning we went on a walk together, holding hands. It felt really good. Is it really this good when you hold Bram’s hand?
Talking to Mia wasn’t easy, of course, but I actually talked to her instead of building false hopes up. I don’t expect her to forgive me. I know didn’t do right by her. So, I hope I’m good for Felix, because he also deserves someone who loves him for who he is. He deserves to be himself and not be a joke.
Thank you for everything, Simon.
Did you know that’s exactly how I knew Bram was my other half? At school he’d ask me for fries and Oreos, and it flew completely over my head that he was Blue the whole time. I did suspect it at first though, but like you said, Bram was… too good to be true.
Is it weird to admit that I already suspected about you and Felix? The way you write about him is particularly telling. But don’t feel stupid. At the moment things are never obvious until they finally come back to you, even years later.
Yes, holding hands is a pretty darn good feeling. Every time I hold Bram’s hand it always feels like the first time. I should probably get over it, but actually, we should be proud we can even hold hands. We have the right to be cheesy and romantic. That shouldn’t be inappropriate at all.
I’m sorry about Mia, I’m sure you really do like her. I’m glad you told her the truth, though. She deserves better and so do you. I hope she’s okay. Maybe you two will be friends again, but maybe not. Everything is possible, so try to be ready for anything.
I’m very happy you and Felix found each other. If things go the way we want them to, we could meet up at New York and have a double date. I’m pretty excited to meet Felix, if you’d want. He’d get along well with our roommates.
Wish you and Felix the best life you can have.