new crumb animation! mind the trigger warning!
new crumb animation! mind the trigger warning!
Currently trying to cope with the fact I was forced to have an affair with my dads girlfriend
Nina is 20, Japanese, 4′2,
Her fashion of choice is mostly made up of Mori Kei or Lolita
Nina has a very quiet, shy personality, and her voice is unusually high for someone her age, or even someone any age.
Nina usually wears facemasks of varying designs due to her mouth being cut and scarred, though she likes having people know it she is just an all around shy person.
Nina wears blue colored contacts over her dark brown eyes and wears her skin color of makeup while she’s outside to cover her scabs and scars over her mouth when she isn’t wearing the facemasks to seem more approachable, she also dyed part of her hair pink though only a tiny part as she couldn’t dye her whole head because it took bleaching it, as her hair is naturally black and she didn’t want to ruin it.
Nina refers to herself as Nina Hikikomori or Nina the Killer, because of her odd obsession with Jeff the Killer and the fact she’s a shy shut-in who doesn’t socialize.
she has siblings, which they all go in order of
Nyla, 30 Illia, 25 Nina, 20 Alice, 10
Thomas, 25 Hannibal, 10 Edward, 12
her cousins are
Kayla, 36 Isabelle, 29 Luna, 27 Lucas, 25 Evie, 15 Rosalie, 12
they all live together since Nina’s mother, Charlolette died.
Nina’s little brothers and sister were all adopted after Nina’s father went to prison because her mother didn’t want to date anymore.
Nina had an encounter with Kuchisake-onna when she was seven, the most dangerous day of her life, when the woman asked if she thought she was beautiful, Nina said yes.
when she asked again, she removed the facemask on her face to show her slashed open mouth to her...
Nina couldn’t look away from the awfully torn rip across the woman’s cheeks.. she was frozen for a solid ten minutes, looking at the spirit before replying
“ ... Yes.. “
Nina has an eating disorder, she’s quite skinny for her age and her growth’s been stunted because of this.
Nina collects bugs in amber that she finds, colorful rocks and gemstones, decorative miniature versions of things, plushes and dolls, figurines and the like.
from ages 5-15, Nina was sexually abused and raped by her father, as was her sister Nyla from ages 15-20, the two have very different ways of dealing with the abuse, Nina by shutting out the world around her and reclusing while Nyla is now a 30 year old party girl who drinks, does drugs and has unprotected sex with strangers.
so while Nina’s main motivation in life is keeping herself safe and happy, her sister’s main motivation is to try to die faster.
because of this, Nina has grown quite weary of the topic of sex, most sexual things making her very paranoid, scared, and want to hide.
but because of Nyla’s behavior, Nina has a hard time accepting that this is her reality, she feels like she’s constantly living in Nyla’s shadow, like Nyla was good enough to “ get passed “ the trauma and “ move on and be confident “, even if she doesn’t know Nyla is just using her fake confidence to try and tempt death.
Nyla likes to make jabs and jokes at Nina whenever she expresses fear with sex, asking her if she’s a virgin even though she clearly knows the answer.
it’s unknown by the family weither or not Illia was sexually abused as well, as she’s a very quiet person to begin with and she never told anyone if she was, but it’s speculated that they all suffered by the hand of their father.
but despite all of this pain, and because of Kuchisake-onna, Nina is attracted to both male and female ( omnisexual ), and is mostly attracted to people like her, who have mouth trauma of some kind, weither that be a carved smile, broken teeth, or large scabs around the mouth.
during the worst parts of Nina’s sexual abuse ( 10-15 ) she grew an obsession with creepypasta as an outlet to express herself, she particularly liked Ticci Toby’s story because of how he killed his father for his abuse, even if her father never drank, but soon after grew an attachment to Jeff because of how similar they looked, and due to the fact he almost killed his whole family and she had a grudge against her mother, despite her not knowing what was taking place.
it’s unknown how Charlotte died, because Nina was too careful as to not let anyone know that she poisoned her mother’s cough medicine with a high dosage of what was already in it, as to not raise suspicion.
“ No, i don’t believe in superheroes, because in the end, no one saves you, you don’t get to be saved, no one really cares.. You have to do all that by yourself... “
- Nina Hikikomori
Just remembered that when I was 9 I would listen to girl in the mirror while pacing around to burn calories. If that isn’t super ironic and sad then idk what is
IM GOING TO BECOME SOMETHING YOU FEAR
I need to move out of this neighborhood.
My neighbors are screaming at one of their pets or kids (I can’t tell which without looking and being seen rn) in such an angry tone. Like, legitimately made me jump in fear. It’s triggering the fuck out of me.I’m grown, but my childhood trauma can never be far enough in the rearview for that tone to not mess me up when I hear it boom from the other side of a wall.
If someone buy me a cute knife I can show you pictures or videos of me cutting myself with it if you want something in exchange
Muu's whole head is a conundrum right now of wanting to unpack and move beyond the weight of sexual related trauma bg communicating it to other people, but then not doing so out of worry of the discourse surrounding him being at fault / the boy who cried wolf because of it. Being stuck in the resentment for others yet blaming of himself part of healing sucks major ass.
I hate maintaining weight but my period is also soon
religion on the dream smp.
[tw religion, religious trauma, mentions of traumas + events of the dream smp roleplay]
tommy being a staunch believer in the god of prime, once taught by dream, sticking to his faith all throughout pogtopia and through exile ,, praying when things get hard and before bed, wearing a necklace that he found in church prime, visiting the church every week.
tommy who never loses his belief, no matter what a cynical tubbo tells him about science or what ranboo hesitantly tells him about the improbability of god. god is out there, he knows it — and his prayers, though sometimes short, are always sincere.
tommy, who rasps and stutters his way through a prayer the moment he gets out of the prison and gets home: protect me, he says hoarsely, don’t let him hurt me again.
(he feels he’s promised this before. maybe if he prays hard enough, it’ll come true this time.)
wilbur, a believer turned stout atheist who cynically watches his little brother pray and wishes he could tell him how useless it is. an atheist who sobs god’s name in the depths of pogtopia in hopes he’ll hear — an atheist who grows more disillusioned when no god answers.
(an atheist who dies an atheist in his father’s arms. the hands of his father, that once prayed to the smp’s god and to his own, are stained with blood.)
(philza doesn’t pray that night. it’s the first night he thinks the gods have abandoned them all on that server.)
techno, who has his own skepticism for the prime god, who has his own god. who dedicates himself to the blood god, who farms, kills, works, trains for the blood god — blood for the blood god, runs through his mind in thousands of whispering voices.
the only universal language is violence, he tells tommy.
(he knows other languages. none of them work on this server.)
blood for the blood god, he murmurs the night of the festival.
(he knows other gods. none of them listen on this server.)
blood for the blood god.
(it rings hollow when he remembers tubbo’s fear.)
george who wanders through dreams and reality and finds satisfaction in neither, finding a god and calling that god his.
george who promises idly to become friends (“forever?” “yes, forever.”) with a lonely god, who doesn’t know forever is a long, long time for an immortal.
george finding some hollow thing like satisfaction in dream XD, who forgets, sometimes, that this is a god — that the god he calls dream XD isn’t his old best friend.
he watches the god send a friend to hell and back and feels numb.
george doesn’t ever pray to his god. his god always hears and always comes.
(until one day he wakes up, and realises his best friends are gone.)
(no amount of praying brings dream or sapnap back.)
sapnap who doesn’t quite believe in prime like dream did, but who doesn’t disbelieve in prime like george. sapnap who sits in church prime and talks to the god like an old friend, a little uncertain, but friendly enough.
sapnap, whose faith grows stronger, who asks everyday for karl and quackity to be safe. sapnap, whose faith grows brighter, who asks everyday for george and dream to come back.
(sapnap, whose faith is stronger than ever, hoping that one day his prayers will be answered.)
dream, who turned away from prime as the months passed. who dedicated himself to trying to reunite the server for his god — a happy family, he’d promised in church last year, just like it used to be.
(he’d received no answer then. now, he wonders if that had been deliberate.)
the most staunch believer until the smp had grown worse and worse, until l’manburg had been blown up and wilbur had gone and schlatt had gone — he’d visited the church that day, hands stained with grit and blood, and known that god had gone too.
(gone, or watching on in amusement, and it hurts too much to think about. because any god still watching the smp had to be a cruel one not to intervene, and dream has never liked thinking of his god as cruel.)
dream, who prays again for the first time after quackity visits for the first time. who rasps out a prayer in a broken voice, who feels part of himself wither and die when no god appears.
(quackity appears instead. quackity appears every day.)
god must be dead, or god must not care. either that, or god is quackity, with his weapons and threats and demand for the revive book, and dream is the devil.
he’d told tommy he’d been a god once. now, he wonders if the torture is punishment for the blasphemy.
(our father who art not there.)
(hallowed be thy name.)
(the god of prime does not listen.)
(the god of prime has long since deserted their followers.)
¿Where am I at in my healing journey?
Well. I fell asleep to Citizen Soldier.
I put these songs ↓ in a playlist...
((yes these are the actual titles, they’re all on YouTube, & I think most if not all are available on Spotify & Apple Music))
Hand-Me-Down, Never Good Enough, Weight Of The World, Bedroom Ceiling, Empty Cup, I’m Not Okay, If These Scars Could Speak, Found, Say Goodbye, In Pieces, Forever Damned, The Cage, Mess Of Me, Always December, Face To Face (← all angst to some degree, not positivity really but understanding), (power songs about overcoming this very dark stuff (abuse, mental illness), & encouragement from the band that it’s worth it at all →) Would Anyone Care, Sacred, Unbreakable, First Blood, Let It Burn, Hallelujah (I’m Not Dead), Stronger Than My Storm, & Thank You For Hating Me
& it ↑ helped me sleep. Not for five minutes either; for 3 hours. I’ve never been able to nap once it’s light out, & it’s light out. & I slept okay last night.
I know some people would interpret this as a bad sign. But I’ve been building a self love playlist on YT lately & only listening to positive music, & I’ve made so much progress....I see this as much needed rest.
When I started this journey, it was all small steps forward, huge steps back. Then medium steps forward, bigger relapses & spirals.
I’ve now made huge steps forward. I don’t hate myself. So I embrace this little step back & grant myself this time to take a break from healing & growing to just rest, be comfortable, & feel like my pain is understood. No guilt, no regret.
I’m still making progress, but it’s exhausting to rewire your brain after trauma. So this rest is needed to keep going. I’ll still reach my end goal of functional healing, and keep growing from there. This is not defeat.
So for anyone else who needs to rest & relapse while you move forward....I see you.
You are still undefeated. Even the strongest warriors rest between battles.
You are still healing. You are not defeated.
I love reliving childhood/teenage trauma for no freaking reason at all :(
away in peculiar dreamstates, creatures of cryptic crystalline ambiguity, resonant with linguistically conscious syntactical magic, beheld within, this translinguistic paradise, parallel to us, our mundane monotony, as one begins to traverse such starlight, so one begins to fall within, to fall away & to fall again, through the machinery of nightfall, lunar lateralus, auric sensimilla, shimmering with radiant retrospection of differentiation, familiar in the most unresponsive ways, we swim, awake & aware, summoning our demons, as twilight nightmares, imbued with the brilliance of the dark blue hue, creep beneath blacklight, starlit mariposa, butterfly of celestial origin, moth of motion, notions which profound, shall forever quell the question of potion & vessel, for our very essence, mixture of emotion, an ocean of perversion, devotions of concoctions, adoptions of adaptions, mere metaphor, alkahest of elegance, solutions of dissociation, such dissolution of our contortionistic ways, trickster stare, formulate & conduce; akin to the dualism, our destiny is found within deceit, to conceal & to secrete, shrouded formation, eclipsed by the consummation of darkness, forevermore, an oath, solemnly sworn to protect oneself, from oneself, for scorn awaits those who, unbeknownst to conscious predilection, dwell within, as the brilliance of brightness, so luminous, shall forever blind those who attempt to quell, the mixture born forth from temptation & the mixture born forth from thirst.
sometimes we're saints & sometimes we're sinners.
I just told a family member about what happened. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I don't know if they believe me or not and I don't know if they care or not but it's another step towards not being silent. This may not seem like a big deal but for me it's massive.