seems lately you keep
going missing, even when
you haven’t moved an inch,
people stay longer in my
ahead than they do in
my life, kiss me until I
no longer taste the
sadness on my lips. I
woke up thinking about
your hands never letting
go of mine - the first time
we touch will be the last time
we ever feel alone
this chorus of young ladies
is filling up my
and I am
in the rising of
tender musical notes
with the light bulb
out for the count
I lay here
on the floor
as the music comes
right at me
in the candlelight
and making me feel
fuzzy like a
the mellow trumpet
deeply in love
with the pair of
lips that blows
and as I close my eyes
to dig in deeper with the
beauty of the melody
I think of the woman I love
and how nice it would be
to share this moment with her
but for now
this solitude will have to do
as she is so far off now
as the brass comes in
for the climax
I hold on tight to my neck
as the notes soar high and then
of the sky and the song
the audience applauds
and I can picture
the thrown flowers
hitting the stage for the ravishing
young ladies with the
voices of a thousand
the show has concluded
and I rise to blow out my
candle and get on
with the rest of the night
which will pale in comparison
to the moment I just enjoyed
Standard fare of popcorn with licorice,
yellow subtitles, & gish theatrics;
an usher under cover of darkness
escorts we seven magnificent
to Row G—
Then right down to the error
& coffee ring,
Bomb-doves make love mid-flight
to moderate swing;
there are strong forces at work,
biting into hard rock candy,
I know you know
Are foreign to me
But I imagine I’m a broken bulb
In the shimmering lights
caught in between
a half filled glass
foggy with poison
whose self-brewed wrath
lasts beyond the impulse
patching up cracked glass
evaporating to misty hate
rotting out the inner walls
breaking open the flood gates
I’m always in the ring, dodging low blows and hard jabs, all day. The pressure is on me as my peers watch from the crowd with their judgements and opinions about my every move. I wonder if they know I’m just dust, from a land between a rock and a hard place. I struggle. I wonder if they know my skin is made of glass and certain things break me, leaving my brokeness ripping to shreds my fleshly heart. I feel things. I wonder if they know how much pain I endure as I inspire and entertain those who love and hate me, the most. I precieve what’s occuring. I wonder if they’ll ever know, not just the truth but, the real me. I’m human. I’m trying. I have bad days too. To be honest, in this world…I’m a survivor and a fighter. I’m just like you. That’s all I’ll ever be. Human.
@kidgillis | Fight against Humanity | #poetry
we talked for hours. I can barely remember a word.
I drank an aptly-named blood bath cocktail
and she told me how she messed around
with her male friend now and then
even though she was gay,
and I thought… she’s a fucking mirror.
she made me feel a little less ashamed
of my own antics that so confused me
(“I’ve just told everyone I’m gay…
I can’t do this with him again…”)
but she disappeared, lost between hours of a too-busy schedule
of fundraisers and mountain climbing.
thinking of his hands on her body
and half wanting them to be my hands.
[put down the cocktail and kiss her]
the thing was, there was no attraction there at all.
I liked her but she was just a little pretentious -
and she wasn’t really my type anyway.
no, I think I just wanted her because
I’d almost told her what I’d been doing.
I almost told her my whole sexuality was a joke, and one I didn’t get.
[there was a need for labels, I guess,
for a while.
well, why should I have to announce or explain a thing?]
I ate a bowl of hard granola and soft strawberry yogurt, later
and thought about quitting the whole dating site.
I listened to the comments about how greedy I was,
how fickle, how I didn’t know what I wanted,
how maybe it was all for attention.
the more I think about it now
the more I think the more I get it.
the more I see who I was when I drank that sickly-sweet pink cocktail,
who I was when I crunched that hard granola
and who I was when I fucked him.
it was only me. no other name for it,
it was just me and what I needed
or at least what I wanted.
why should I swallow with shame the secrets that moulded me?
why should I worry what word fits best?
who I like
who I love
my very being
dark of countenance
I frighten the horses
men of a certain
in some as yet not vocalised
way of doing
in the world
& there I was contemplating
the garden the view
wondering just what
was going on
for the simplest things
everything costs the poor more
in hard earned cold coins
scraping the edges of my tired hands
in the giving over
for each minor mistake
I felt the lash on my bent back
pushing me along
go further along steel tracks
find something there
you can’t be here amongst us
try over again make like new
no accidents here
no misspokes misunderstands
no walking it back
responsibility is only
really there for the low
& I hear them uptown singing now
justice does not apply to me
& I’m wondering why my back teeth ache
this hot anger ebbs & flows
only the gospel choir really knows
how many times have you fallen to the ground
just to see if you would get back up?
how often did you allow them to question
your intellect just so you would have an excuse
to keep your mouth shut?
how many wounds of yours are collecting dust?
why do you avoid them?
how many people stay sane in your memory because
you refuse to confront them?
do you enjoy being alive?
are you just existing to pass the time until you die?
who else knows about your sadness?
how many of your distractions make you feel full?
why do you question yourself more than
this big and ambiguous world, kira?
questions about me questioning myself // kira malibu
you can have everything
and still feel broken
and not know what’s wrong
yes, you can be loved
loved by everyone
and feel like you don’t deserve it
feel like you haven’t earned it
and here you are
so capable, so beautiful
inside and outside, it’s easy to see
yet still feel like your not worthy
but let me tell you
you will find your special spark
confidence will emerge
from the dark
everything that’s amazing about you
about you, eventually
everything that’s so magical
I’m here to tell you, wait and see
because you’re beautiful
simply special as can be
and you are loved, loved so dearly
and soon you’ll know it
everything fantastic about you
you’re going to wake up and own it
it’s about time for your arrival
you’re going places
you’re going to step into certainty
and what joy it’s going to be
Copyright @followcb | February 24, 2020
I saw an old man
sitting in a lawn chair
on the corner
in the middle
he held up a sign
as I slowly drove by
“we are all immigrants”
it got me to thinking
just how long
the list of those
who needed to be
reminded of this
as I passed him
I tipped my hat
in honor of his courage
Polaroid pictures capture our love story
Black and white images
Tear stained letters tell of our heartbreak
Broken promises of forever
Smeared dark ink.
Dull rusty guitar strings play our song
Tears fall from my eyes
And I fall into madness.
You fell for me , and I’ll never understand why.
I hate that I hurt you, I hate that we had to say goodbye
I hate that I’m a mess of pain and walls I’ve had to build
I hate that I couldn’t let you in, every entrance to my heart is sealed.
I hate that I’m not good enough to fit my own expectations
I hate that I’m constantly filled with endless frustrations
I hate that I’m still hung up on people who will never love me
I hate that I am me, and not who you want me to be.