seeing people scream with ecstatic enthusiasm over realism arts and instead just be like ‘cute!’ at anime/cartoon arts makes me feel so defensive like I’m being personally attacked on every level
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coming to terms im a attention whore, all i want of affection and validation from a parent figure type of friend, older but not old, gives me a shit ton of platonic love, cares about me,and thats how i get into those situations, how i fall for grooming. im a fucking idiot!! i let it happen, i enjoyed the personal attention and they knew i was dying for it!! they fucking used me and never loved me their affection was a lie. all i wanted was a nice dad figure was that too hard to ask for? am i the fuckinb sLuT!!1 for wanting validation and affection from older people? its platonic and all but what if it doesnt come off that way? what if im seen as the freak who runs on attention? they will all be creeped out and leave me and if the leave me i will DIE. im sorry for being a freak, im sorry for being disgusting, im sorry i know i deserve everything that happened and should happen to me.
1slighest thing happens :
my brain : ah, what a bummer!! why dont we solve that by dying?
0I need to.leave this house but I can’t. My mum needs me, she needs me to do everything she can’t do or doesn’t want to. The cooking and cleaning, looking after her two year old son while she naps and has alone time. Looking after the house and kids while she shops and meets friends.
I can’t leave because as much as it effects my mental and physical health- she needs.me and I can’t make her stressed.
And the other thing is,.I don’t know how to get out of here.
0I was scrolling down the tua tag as one does and I saw a post tagged as Klaus x Ben. For a moment I forgot these people existed. I am not ready for another wave of inc*st lovers in the fandom oh no.
8Can we acknowledge that there ARE straghts in the lgbt+ community and that’s ok? And that straght trans people, straght non binary and GNC ppl and mspec ppl in straght relationships are valid as fuck? And saying that u”hate all straghts” or “no straghts belong here” is toxic as fuck? and u can hate the opressers without throwing hate at our own community.
But nah y’all ain’t ready for that conversation? Ig?
0i’ve been struggling the last few years figuring out what i want to do with my life. i’ve worked in the same restaurant for almost 5 years and never went to college.
i’ve always toyed with the idea of moving to the beach for three years now.
something about watching obx made me realize it’s something i really, really want. i don’t think i’ll be happy unless i’m somewhere by the beach. i’m not meant to be a city girl. i’m depressed because i feel stuck here, with hardly any friends and nothing going for me.
this time next year, i will have what i want. i will have my little house in a beach town. i will be living my best life.
i’m manifesting this for myself. i’m going to strive to make this happen.
8Everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me
IM SO STUPID AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT
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SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP0I don’t know why I even care about what I look like so much? Why do I care if I’m skinny or fat why does it matter if I’m ugly am I as ugly as I see myself? I feel like I don’t even know what I look like and it’s so frustrating I wanna cry I wanna cry so badly I feel so fucking terrible rn I hate how fat and fucking repulsive and ugly I am. I feel like a monster, I feel like the most hideous person on earth and I’m scared my bf will start seeing it or he will find someone better than me. I don’t wanna lose him, and because I’ve been so upset over this shit I’m starting to dissociate and it sucks I haven’t done it in so long why is this happening? I wish I was better I hate being me I wish I was someone else I need to stop being such a disgusting gluttonous piece of shit and stop eating. I don’t even deserve food I’m disgusting.
2Why today? Of all days? I was so excited about today. I had so many plans. I made up my mind to be happy, I spent the morning blasting songs that reminded me of you. I spent the night breaking down but pulled myself together in the morning for you. For. You. You can’t even reply. You don’t even remember. Maybe it was dumb to you. Maybe you didn’t think it was a big deal. But today meant a lot to me. It was the only thing I had been looking forward to for days. I was so excited. Why today?
0was considering going to a protest tomorrow. but i guess i thought abt it too fucking hard bc my brain went haywire with intrusive thoughts of worst case scenarios and i got so livid and upset about police brutality and racism and the general state of our country that i was. shaking. and someone i love deeply is going tomorrow and i dont know what the fuck id do if he got hurt. i ended up giving myself an anxiety attack that made me unable to leave bed for what felt like at least 2 hours and then hardcore dissociation that kept me in bed even longer and then a depressive episode w suicidal ideation worse than anything i can remember. relapsed again.
basically i feel things very deep and am good at sending myself in a downward spiral
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