okay time to go to sleep and have another trauma dream :) probably also gonna have a nightmare about the social worker :) god i am so anxious :)
goodnight, rotten dreams~!
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Hhhhhhh ouch
Whole body hurts
Throat hurting
Scared I may have the covid
Send prayers and good vibes my way pls😔✌🏼
0im sick.
i’m sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick!!!!!!!0oh lmfao i just remembered that my “”mother”” is cheating on my “”father””. lmao. i cant believe i actually used to care. i cant believe i used to think they were good peopl. i cant believe i used to want to help them. fuck them, i hope my “”father”” gets his heart broken, then he’ll feel a small fraction of the pain he caused me. i hope i get taken away and i can completely cut them off and they’ll be so hurt, they’ll feel a tiny bit of all the hurt they’ve caused me. maybe i sound like a bad person but god you dont know how fucking horrible this shit is. my mind is twisted, i’ll admit it, but how could it not be after this shit? they fucking deserve to hurt after what they did to me.
0Every time I hear people drive past my house, I panic and I don’t know why. This is brand new.
0I have a plan, you see.
When the night falls,
When everyone is blind in the abyss,
I will fall into the leaves.
And then, maybe then
We will see
That everything was just to be set free.
0oh fuck it’s late and i have to talk to a social worker in the morning :) fuck, i’m really fucking scared. it’s apparently because i missed school but also i emailed about some abuse like 2 days before so like… idk. maybe it’s a mix. either way i hope i can get the fuck out of this hellhole. i dont want to fucking live with my abusers and relive my trauma every day. it’d be nice to have actual parents or family. though i’m kinda scared about telling the social worker about shit since last time all they did was talk to my ““““parents”””” and tell them about what i said and basically told them how to not get caught, which made things way more unsafe and the abuse starting up again way worse and way more subtle, subtle enough for it to be ““not important””. so yeah, i’m very anxious and scared.
0I can’t seem to focus on just one thought and thus, everything inside is screaming but it feels so sick on the outside.
0Ok Every time I open the cage to feed the rats or clean it Rosalina has started to lunge at me like a wild animal and bite my fingers as hard as she can. What is with this super aggression all of the sudden??? She acts the same towards Daisy it’s just like all of the sudden she wants to literally kill me. She’s got rabies or something I swear
1even though i’ve forsaken cringe culture, it’s such a prevalent thing and i’ve grown up with it so it’s just,, imbedded in my head. it’s internalized and i hate it. i feel cringy for having a fucking my little pony introject. like. i’ve been around forever. we had a special interest in my little pony as a kid. this is an observed phenomena, with plural kids having introjects from pieces of media that comforted them. it makes fucking sense. but the internet and this shameful culture irl have corrupted my mind so much that i feel like it’s bad or makes me a fake. ive been made to feel that my fucking existance is bad and cringy. every single piece of it. my gender, my neurotype, my trauma, my plurality, my body type, my height, my interests, every single fucking piece of me is bad and cringy. im sick of it. this is why i rejected cringe culture.
0I mean, it looks like this friendship is done for as well, congrats to me! I’m so fucking dumb. All of this makes me think about that image saying if we never speak again, I truly loved you (and always will). Maybe she didn’t even entered here yesterday, maybe she did and just didn’t want to answer - which is an answer.
Once again I can’t stop thinking about how I really fucked up everything. I’m so sorry and so tired of dealing with myself and all these mistakes. Just hope she’s doing okay and thriving, is what she deserves, after all.
0(Ooc: I feel so stressed. I haven’t broken up with him yet… I’m just waiting for him to come home. I’m going to couch surf at a friends for the next while. Fuck fuck fuck fuck ugh ughhhhh this is why I’m glad I have those beautiful friends who can get me through this )
0That moment when you realize that you may have a mental problem that is preventing you from hearing as you recently got a hearing test done and passed perfectly but then you sit down and try to watch some tv with your family and suddenly can barely hear the tv even though your parents are saying its too loud for them and, “why cant you hear it I thought you passed your hearing test?” And you kind of want to cry because why CANT you hear? Why CANT you remember things in conversation? What is constantly wrong with you? Are you going insane??
3I know I’m gonna get some hate for this, but I just gotta let it out. I see all these posts about how America is in shambles and no matter who gets elected it’s still going to be awful and I’m like “Okay. What do you want me to do about it?” Because as a tiny, insignificant 18 year old, there is literally nothing I can do to change the face of this country. We’re fucked no matter what. So what can I possibly do to help?
And honestly, I don’t want to be a defeatist. I want to know what I can do to help. I want to be able to make things better. I just don’t think it’s possible.
0Vent-
I feel so small and so useless and helpless and im scared
what if i lose him because im not good enough, i cant provide enough, because i am too far away. The world is too mean and i dont have the money or the strength or the means to do shit about it
LMFAOOOOOOOO
I hate this. I hate it. I cant lose him. There is nothing left if he goes and dies on me. Lmao i have never
Been able to save anyone
i have never been enough
as soon as the weight is put on me i end up being a god damn loser who doesnt have enough to make it better. cant help my parents. Cant help my friends. ex husband. My boyfriend. this is fucking stupid
2020 really be kicking me when im down huh. This isnt karma this is just cruelty
If anything happens im done, man. I am done. It has been too much. I tap out.
0haha im convinced my friends hate me and are planning on killing me :) love paranoia ❤ /s
0fuck, of course you didn’t say goodnight to me, i knew you didn’t really care. you act like i’m the only one you love and then you igore me. fuck you.
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