i just want to stop.
stop causing problems. stop feeling like im causing problems. stop breathing. just, stop.
im at my limit in all honesty and sometimes i almost hope i get into some kind of accident and end up not pulling through or something. cause at least that way, its not me taking my own life right? so i wont be leaving too many issues behind. if i left any behind at all.
my chest constantly feels heavy.
my mom tells me that i just need to “keep myself busy and focus on the good things” and eat better and get more sleep, as if my mental issues were just that simple. as if there wasnt a chemical imbalance in my brain and its just a switch i can flip to stop being depressed.
i feel like i keep pushing away the one i love. even if they say the opposite in the moment when i express that feeling. what they say when they get upset tells me that i am causing issues and i wish to fucking god i could stop. i dont want to lose them. in any sense of the word and ive already lost them in one way. i dont think i could handle much more.
i dont know.
all i know is, i hurt. insanely, incredibly badly. and i feel like i cant scream about it to anyone anymore. so im just internalizing. and its getting worse. so much worse. but i dont have a choice.
one day i guess itll either get better, or itll stop. whichever comes first i guess.
who can tell.