I really do get why I feel so inhuman like whenever I interact with people I feel so Other I feel like an alien trying desperately to connect but I Can't. I'm too Other and Weird and Wrong.
I keep saying I love Tumblr because the UI is the best. And nothing emphasizes that point, more than finding some nice fanart on Instagram, but not on the artist's IG account (because they're not on IG), then searching Twitter for the artist name they cited, and just scrolling forever, and ever, through the right Twitter, unable to find that specific fanart. o~o;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
I hate how much I can't take any of my past back. I have to deal with what so many people dealt me because they couldn't deal with their own fucking issues. I have to live with a reality I can't change stuck in the back of my mind and where it has led me. That past me is never fucking coming back. No wonder I get so hell bent over how unfair it feels that that all happened. I should have the autonomy over who I am. It's fucking gross that it felt like everyone's decision but mine.
It's 3 am, i'm drawing queen x oc things, i'm listening to mukbangers literally fail, i have school tomorrow and i have 3 incomplete requests.good.
karma's a bitch ain't it
Reason 7373828 i will be at least somewhat glad when i get off my family’s COBRA plan and onto my own insurance: won’t have the problem of not being able to go to urgent care after a car accident due to my mother not giving me the plan info for appropriate billing so I don’t have to pay out the ass.
My neck/shoulder/upper back have been fucked up since the ditch incident Saturday night. I have several signs of whiplash. Plus there’s also sharp pain when I move my arm certain directions and a weird clicking noise from somewhere around where my collarbones meet my shoulder. But nah I’m supposed to take tylenol and use a heating pad instead of getting it fucking xrayed and properly treated.
This anger won’t cure you
I just want him to text me so I can ignore him again but secretly think of what would happen if we'd talk like adults
Am I depressed or just in a dry spell in life?
For as long as I can remember I've been like this. Constantly looking for a spark- a drive. A reason to be alive. I know it should selfish since I have friends and loved ones that make life worth living but I can't help but feel hollow and robotic every single day.
As a kid I loved art. Practically obssessed with it. I would spend endless hours sketching and lining characters that I would make complex stories for. This lead on way into High School. But as of late I don't feel that glee or thrill anymore. It's not just art block either cause I've got plenty of ideas just not any motivation to actually pick up a pencil and start drawing.
As of right now I work a warehouse job making decent money but it doesn't leave much time for myself. With I'm not working I'm exahusted and when I finally get some time for myself if I spend my free day working on my own work I feel like I'm wasting it when I should be resting up for another rough haul.
I've tried everything to try and find my motivation and passion but nothing gives me that enthusiastic thrill anymore. It's really upsetting because I'm starting to realize I don't like the person I am but it's hard to change when you don't know the steps you gotta take.
I don't wanna say I feel hopelss but I definitely feel discouraged. Thoughts?
Only on here to vent since I have nowhere else to. I feel so dysphoric right now.
Do any other trans people not want to be trans? I want to be a man, not a trans man, but that's impossible. It feels hopeless because in order to be a man I have to. It's like an unreachable goal.
in the past 2 weeks I’ve lost abt 5ish pounds, which doesnt seem like much but feels like a LOT. I’ve started working out again more consistently so I can actually see and feel tone again although I’m certainly not shredded by any means. I just. want to be smaller. being small makes me feel better and comfortable. I don’t even necessarily care about showing off my body so much as I just want to be able to admire it when I’m alone in my own room and when I look in mirrors. just to feel better. one of my favorite things about relapsing is feeling cold all the time again. it’s so comforting even though it’s uncomfortable. I like it when I’m cold and my friends try to warm me up and whatnot, it feels nice to get that bit of attentiveness from others. I can’t wait for my weight to drop back into the 130s. I’m literally so close. that’s when I’ll start to really feel like im going somewhere.
By the way, apparently even though I only asked for two shifts, I bet SSI is going to cut the amount of money they pay me if this job works out. Like half of whatever I make would be subtracted from my monthly payments. Isn't that crappy!? I hate how society finds any way they can to punish the disabled...
I get $529/month in SSI. I am supposed to get $780/month but they already decided to penalize me for moving out of the mental home and back in with my parents. I imagine I'll end up only getting $200/month from SSI because I'm going to be getting at least $600/month from my job total.
I was told I would get $12 an hour and 7 hours each shift. That's the best anyone has ever agreed to pay me.
Uhhh. Instead of like $1100/month being my net income (which would have been maybe enough for rent and to drive) it's only going to be more like $800. That's not fair. I don't know what to do or who to turn to about it. If I work more hours, they'll just cut it even more. :"(
I hope I don't lose my status as disabled over trying to supplement my income either. I'm sick of living below poverty level- especially under my parents' thumb. I need to stay on disability to get certain educational opportunities, like a "disabled student's allowance," and other grants/scholarships.
I don't know where else I was going with this.
I'll just stop here.
I hope that one day, things will change.
But a little chunk of hope, keeps me going keeps me going everyday.
scared ill never actually transition to male and just be stuck like this bc of my disability
so you kin assigned me a rapist
a sexual assault victim
great look! that is SUCH a good look on you!
something something cutting tw
runnin' outta room
idk i'm bored