That switch is oh so tempting
That switch is oh so tempting
Sunday was goin’ bad, then GGC started their stream, then I had to leave, now I’m sad again
im so tired i just want to actually sleep for once
I’m honestly just so hurt.
This whole day has been absolutely terrible, but that’s not even why I’m upset.
This is the first day in almost 2 months that I’ve actually had time to sit down and draw a little, and I can’t even do it now because this say has taken all the motivation out of me.
And it kills me, because getting to the point where I could finally take a break and draw for a bit was the only thing keeping me going.
😔🤷🏻♀️ That’s life I guess. No dinner for me tonight, I clearly don’t deserve shit.
-a broken heart.
background: ive been talking to this person we’ll call C for about a month now. in the beginning it was hardcore flirting (and
sexting. theyre like the 3rd person ive ever been sexually attracted to and im 20). after like 2 weeks a few things hit me
so i told them the former 2 and they were like “for sure! thank u for being honest with me and im okay taking a step back too” which is great!!!! weve maintained our dynamic with the understanding im not ready for anything romantic!!!
current situation: now i realize i dont want anything romantic whatsoever. my feelings for them are dwindling and now im starting to split on them 🙂🙂🙂 theyve been annoying me lately even even tho their behavior hasnt changed. im exhausted from emotional labor in general and since ive been talking to them virtually nonstop, thats where my attention is focused. im just so numb and dont care abt their problems (which i feel a twang of guilt bc its so insensitive). i talked with a friend who also has BPD and gave some solid advice as to what to do in this situation. i know i need to tell them im not sure howninterested i am anymore and when we had that convo, i was fine staying friends but now idk if i do and idk id thats the splitting or genuine!!!!!!
tldr: splitting on someone ive heen flirting/sexting with and conflicted on my feelings abt them
I feel better now!!! Getting that off my chest was nice
i look at the people i love and wonder how long itll take for them to abandon me like the rest, get rid of my rotting corspe. i died long ago and now i just rot.
I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for the last couple days. I have had a harder time than usual being on my own. And not to mention, I have made things so much harder for myself. I told John about Mexico. I’m not even super sure why. To be honest, I don’t think it was a big deal. This all happened before John and I really stated “yes we like each other, we aren’t seeing anyone else.” And yet, my heart feels so…in pain. Like someone is squeezing my chest and I can’t take another breath without crying. I know it was the right thing to tell him, but I can’t help but feel like I have destroyed everything. And I probably haven’t as we have still talked most of today, doing the usual but something feels off on my side. And it’s weird because I asked all these people for advice and I told them about the aftermath; I HAVE people to talk to. But I don’t have people I can REALLY talk to. Like I can share all the surface level stuff, but nothing more than that. How I feel like such an awful person. How I haven’t been able to stop crying for hours and I essentially woke up crying after taking my anxiety medicine (which I never use) to sleep through all the thoughts. How I’m selfish and I must be a bad person if I could hurt someone like John. And that’s what I am. A bad person. And I’m tired of people telling me I’m not. Because they don’t know me. And the people I have selfishly hurt with my actions.
But I just feel like I have no one to turn to. I can’t talk to John because I am not going to make this about me. I can’t talk to Garet because he doesn’t wanna know about John. I feel like I can’t dive in deeper with most of my friends, because I just don’t trust them enough to know about my feelings. I can’t talk to my family, because, well, that was never an option. I’ve been crying for days and keeping it to myself and the only things I get from my mom are “what are you upset about NOW” or today’s “I don’t know if you’re in a bad mood or upset with something but if so, you can go somewhere else. I don’t need to deal with it”. I listen to my mom tell me about how she wants to kill herself every day, every terrible word she uses about my family members, what she says about me; I am essentially her live-in therapist, and yet, I could never tell her about anything I feel. And God knows what she would call me if I told her about this. She calls me a whore for things smaller than this.
I’m just so mad at myself. I can’t even look in the mirror without crying and screaming at myself. I’m supposed to be better than this. And granted, I think I have become better than the person I was in March. Quarantine has made me shift my ideals and try to be better. God, I am so infatuated with John that maybe new Eden couldn’t bear to keep a secret from him, whereas old pre-quarantine Eden could. Maybe that’s how I’ll look at it. Maybe it’s growth. Hopefully it’s growth.
I just wanted to draw trolls lol
So I suppose it’s official. I have been wordlessly dumped. Tried to talk to them on another chat and they unfriended and blocked me there. I literally do not know what I did to deserve to be cut out like this. To be dumped without a single word, reason, explanation.. Nothing. Just gone. Ghosted. I was the only one trying anymore but I loved them dearly… Love them dearly… To have my trust, effort, and love betrayed so thoroughly is hard… Four months together just gone…
Managed to get a spider out of my room. So scared I feel like I’m on the verge of death. Had a lower than good day today and this did not help. In other news, been weirdly depressed today. Hoping to feel better tomorrow. I hate getting like this. I’ve had such a good few days and I feels like I’m coming down from being super happy. This always happens.
*patiently waits for the blackout to end so i can get new blades*
The fact that he refers to me as one of his exes makes me so sick.
You fetishized me for being FTM and you raped me several times.
I hope you choke on your bullshit, you useless fucking paperclip.
I miss you so much, I wish the person I hoped was close would come back…
I would give anything for you to be back…
I miss my bestfriend painfully and now you…
I miss my beloved bestfriend…
Bro fuck this… WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS
“battlefield” (vent poem)
First scratches, now cuts.
First my arms, now my legs.
First scissors, now a blade.
My body feels like a battlefield for my negative thoughts
that only gets worse as time passes.
I just read a post that claimed demisexuality is fake and that a bunch of identities like it are also fake and the communities for them are supposedly cults???? And I am so upset by it.
I’m not demisexual, but that post shook me to the core and told me every part of my identity aside from possibly my bisexuality was completely fake? Which definitely isn’t true! But I’m upset anyway! I don’t like questioning everything to the point where I constantly doubt myself! I’m feeling so doubtful of myself that I want to cry. FUCK that post.
Demisexuality is NOT fake, nor is it the “Normal” way to experience attraction. I don’t care what that post nor what the comments on it say. If you id as such, I respect you!