came home and my computers freaking frozen

Who wants to see me swell up even further??

@prize-pig-collection

whatever. i’m going to post bc this is my blog but want to preface w this: i’m a college dropout suffering from terminal brainrot and do not consider myself an authority on anything. normally i wouldn’t feel the need to say that but svu’s audience has a proportionally high percentage of survivors in it, and out of the utmost respect for that, i want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that i have no intention whatsoever to invalidate your experience if it differs from my opinion. i care 0 to disk horse, but if you do want to talk about this, even if it’s to disagree, please do.

that said, im still obsessively thinking abt how svu codes olivia as a figure with power and also objectifies her + male gaze. brain sick abt it, fully feverish in the head. it’s so fraught and weird! and i was thinking, that as pop feminism evolved, that we as the audience are invited to fetishize her not only as a sex object but also as a figure of power (yay women’s rights i guess), and the lines between power fantasy and sex fantasy become SO uncomfortably blurred as a result. this is long so ✨read more✨

it’s visible in so many small, pervasive ways that as isolated incidents don’t amount to much, but reach critical mass as they build up over time. for instance, in the postfeminist workspace svu occurs in, her colleagues are too ~enlightened~ to make any comment on her physical appearance, but the show really wants to tell us she’s beautiful, so the way it does that is by putting the words into the mouths of people who are not so enlightened: perps, suspects, witnesses. often these exchanges involve sexist, humiliating, or violent undertones, and it’s with crude and debasing language. a perfect example of those sex/power fantasies being presented simultaneously is as far back as episode 1.3, where a leering suspect asks her what her cup size is, followed by olivia kneeing him in the balls. spooked even gets meta- it encourages us to fetishize her as as a sex object while she’s the one in power performing as a sex object in a literal fetish scene about a power fantasy (the “lick it!” dominatrix scene, one has to laugh). in the same way her work colleagues do not comment on her physicality, olivia as olivia does not often dress in a particularly provocative way (she’s at work, why would she?), so the instances where olivia is then put on physical display often involve some level of menace or duress (stripping to her bra in wildlife, the plethora of times she wears tiny dresses to serve as bait, surveilling under the guise of being a sex worker in strain). over time, this too means that the situations where we are most invited to objectify her are the situations where her control over her presentation is compromised. case in point: iirc, the single most physically revealing scene is the shower sequence in undercover, a situation where her control over her nudity and who may see it has been revoked entirely (interesting to note here tho, since i talk abt male gaze a couple paragraphs down, that the camerawork of this particular scene is fairly restrained; it understands that this is a violation and does not revel in the flesh displayed. this did not, however, stop the viewers from doing so at the time 🙃).

this only gets muddier when she is the woman in the woman-in-distress stories. her status as a power fantasy is double edged; she ultimately gets to survive and usually comes out on top when she’s put in danger, but her gender makes her the target of kinds of violence her male colleagues are never threatened with, and her power is measured by just how much of that abuse she can take. as seasons progress, this turns into a queasy brinkmanship, each instance of gendered violence anteing up in imminence of threat and the intensity of the brutality (stalked, for instance, looks almost polite when compared to, say, townhouse incident). episodes where olivia is in peril, there is usually a simmering, unspoken edge of sexual threat, even in those where the danger is brief (stalked, starved, hunting ground, perverted), that is absent in scenes of peril featuring men, say, the lead-up to elliot being shot in wildlife. and then we have the episodes where the sexual menace is the plot. the true narrative of undercover, of surrender benson, of beast’s obsession, even of much of townhouse incident, no matter what the ostensible synopses are, comes down to “is olivia going to be raped?” the show does not really attempt to obscure this; for surrender benson it was literally a marketing point.

svu’s own camerawork compounds this problem by primarily “watching” this violence through the male gaze (it almost goes without saying but i checked, and yes, the directors and cinematographers/dops for all four of these previously mentioned episodes were men). there is a lot of conversation and debate currently about how to responsibly portray sexual assault on screen without fetishizing it, and many skilled women directors have offered varied takes, but it seems to coalesce around focusing on the emotional state or headspace of the woman (ie, tight closeups on faces, depicting the emotional reaction and not the act itself. not to say this is the only or best way it can be done, but that at the moment this seems to be the prevailing wisdom). this has been going on for years, yet, unfortunately, svu seems to have excused themselves from this conversation entirely, and as depictions continue to become more nuanced, svu’s actually got worse (compare the shot composition and framing in scenes from undercover vs surrender benson). the show’s own gaze plays right into that fetishization, producing an extremely uncomfortable visual conflation of violence and eroticism. the worst offenders, naturally, being the episodes in the lewis arc. the long, slow close-up of olivia’s gun being forced into her mouth in surrender benson is just 🙃. and then beast’s obsession is honestly in a class all it’s own in the way it objectifies her in the midst of an assault, quite literally reducing olivia to the collection of fragmented, faceless body parts lewis himself is focused on. her legs, forced and taped apart (an image whose composition is sexualized so prevalently it even has a name, the a-frame), a hand clenching the table edge, a shot from her left flank displaying her entire bent torso and buttocks but hiding her face, a high-angle shot that obscures her eyes and expression but displays her bared neck, her open mouth, her tousled hair, the pan from her legs up that captures her thighs and hands and comes to rest at her waist, leaving her face out of frame entirely as her belt is undone. at best, they’re voyeuristic. at worst, near-pornographic. when the viewer is alienated from olivia’s headspace and internal experience in this way, who in this scenario are we left to identify with? and for a show that bills itself as giving a voice to survivors, why, when the character many use as a symbol of survivorship is put into a situation where she is being harmed, did they choose to not go out of their way to center her perspective? to put it extremely bluntly: why, why are we put into a position to have to see olivia through the eyes of the man who wants to rape her?

wish that i had something intelligent to sum this up with or like some zinger to end this post on, but i don’t. and, like, for the record, this is not to say that i believe portraying sexual assault or traumatic/violent situations on screen is Morally Wrong- the opposite actually. roger ebert called film an “empathy machine”; i believe everything common to the human experience should be fair game for examination in art, and with a multiplicity of perspectives and viewpoints. but as a matter of just… respect for the actual humans who have done the experiencing, the more sensitive the material the greater the care should be taken in those portrayals. even now, years later, as desensitized as i am, skimming scenes in the lewis arc is a nauseating, infuriating experience, and still feels like a betrayal of the contract i had with the show as a viewer. all i can say is that it didn’t (and doesn’t) have to be that way. it’s that same thing i keep coming back to- the missed opportunity of it all. svu has done marked, measurable good, and to keep seeing them in this position to do even more marked, measurable good, and watch as they continually miss the mark they themselves set in the beginning? it just…. there’s no more elegant way to say it. it just makes me sad.

My weight keeps dropping n dropping :(

What lifestyle do you follow?

Vegan, Veggie, Peski... Omni?

Anyone think im 300 lbs?

How big should i get??

@prize-pig-collection guess my weight anyone??

someone bring vicious here and give me his stupid fucking sword, i’m gonna cut him up into tiny little pieces i’m

I hate the fact that even though I starve myself I still have to deal with these things called bones and they stop me from being actually skinny

hi tw

its 2 am first day of school 2morow and i start @ 7 but i refuse to fall asleep until i workout but ive been getting distracted 4 2 fuckin hours

I keep forgetting to weight myself in the morning because I work in the mornings and if I eat anything I refuse to weigh myself because I know I’m obviously going to weight more, even if I’ve just been drinking coke zeros, but I guess seeing my weight at the start at the week vs the end of the week is more motivating than seeing it every day

I only had half of this as a snack cause my stomach started to feel upset. Anyways, here are my numbers for today:

Calories total: 989

Weight evening: 59,8

Exercise: 196

All in all a ok day, I just hope to reach the 58 finally by tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

I’ve given up on life lol

Do I take another shot of rum or nah?

I haven’t eaten anything lol and I’ll probably take the shot anyway. Happy Monday 🥰

Before & after ^

Check out the GIF to see his powerbelly nearly tearing through a belt.. his gut is squeezing out of the bottom with nowhere to hide 😈

My current weight is 53Kg/116lbs.

that means i'm back at my starting weight.

Seriously? I gained 6Kg/13lbs in only 5 months? :‘)