Starting on my 32nd day clean. It’s only 9 minutes after midnight but hey it’s a new day. I’m really trying this time again.
The month of October I was using opiates heavily daily and into the first few days of November. I ended up going to rehab for 3 days and I was so sick and they didn’t do detox there so they sent me to a hospital for 3 days where they gave me subutex. Only those 3 days that gave that to me though and after detox I didn’t go back to rehab I went back to the duplex where I lived with my husband until august when we seperated. He’s been trying to work things out with me but honestly I’m still heartbroken and not able to forgive. He put me through hell getting with that girl I befriended from Narcotics Anonymous. An 18 year old. She acted like she was my best friend. We stopped being friends in September.. Then they started sleeping together or they were already. Anyway when I was using heavily. He had her in my bed. Moved in. Watching my kids and lying to my face. I used to “china white” 2 nights before rehab hoping it was fentayl cause there is only tar really here and hoping it would just kill me. It was some bullshit not strong enough to be fentayl and I didn’t fucking die. I’d already done several pills and tar that day. I spent like 1500 on opiates in like 4 weeks which is crazy when I went so long and even since I used opiates again after 2 years in may it never got that constant. That expensive until that month. I was taking care of bryans mom staying with her and she dropped her roxys all over the floor. Me and bryan were fighting I knew she had several so I kept some I found and then began searching it out everyday or it found me. People asking for help getting and would throw me some. It became too easy some days. A few times I was so sick I thought I was gonna die and was in shock because I forgot how bad that sickness was. Or that it could happen that fast. Anyway I don’t want some other bitch that I hate to be in this fucking house or watching my kids. I also don’t want to be sick or get arrested ever again. The truth is I do way better when I’m clean so I should stay that way. I just don’t give a fuck about myself most of the time though. I still want out of here but I’m scared to stay and scared to go. Also I was offered some roxys today and turned it down. Since I left detox I can’t tell you how many times people message or call offering free drugs. How fucked right.. But I’m not gonna give up like everyone fucking expects. Thanks for letting me share.