You know those fairy tale moments you longed to hear as a kid? The forbidden kiss, the secret romance, the misguided girl, the locked away child and above all true love? As a child you sit and you listen and all you can think is, one day i want to have this. And you grow older and wiser and yet you still believe in magic. Magic as pure and beautiful as all the stars in the sky, the souls of the night guiding the lost ones home. I believed in a world of happiness despite all that had been thrown at me, despite what had dragged me down and smashed my heart into pieces. I was here. Barely breathing but here.
And when I first saw him on those steps on those stairs in that building that was hidden behind the road, which stood out but was unwanted i truly felt something in me shift. It was forbidden but i was drawn. From the moment he sat down and he said hello and i nodded back because holy hell i was nervous and i put in my Harry Potter podcast and then walked to get an energy drink because this feeling had taken over my body and fuck i needed to get my head on straight, i just knew. Deep down i had found someone so incredibly special and who would one day be incredibly special to me.
I didn’t know then that that day was the start of so many more. From the energy craze and jokes to walking me to my class at the end of the day because i was lost. It was new and special and it was ours. Days and days of us hanging around and laughing became almost second nature and day by day i was being drawn ever closer to the core of who he was. It didn’t take us long to start falling and even when we started we fell deep. It felt right and beautiful and it was our fairy tale. But soon it became the secret romance, stolen kisses in the bedroom and i became the girl that wanted to live in the happiness that we created forever.
And we were off. Starting our adventure and being so incredibly in love and we were okay. But something spiked and we had taken it as a hill on the path. But soon there were to many hills and to many unresolved problems that we ended up just circling and circling all over again except he was still walking straight. I was stuck. I didn’t know how and i didn’t know why and i couldn’t tell him because how do you tell someone when you don’t know yourself?
And the fights were horrible and nasty and unresolved. We were spent after each one and while we loved each other so much it was all to consuming. Our memories and our moments and our conversations that no one will ever know or hear about were our magic moments. Soul mates find each other and then they leave but they come back again. At some point he will come back and find me down the track… maybe he will stay as friends and we will build ourselves back up slowly or maybe he will leave and we will run into each other and the feeling of the world shifting will hit us and we just know. There is so much pain inside me now, full of anxiety and hopelessness and pieces i thought would stay fixed forever have slowly chipped away until i have part of me lying in shatters across the floor. Parts of him are flashing at me, red and burning my skin, and i know that its not him but they flash and they linger inside my mind and i cant help wondering if not yet is our two letter words. How do you love someone so much but need them to step back so much? How do you live and you breathe their air and then cut yourself off of your dependence?
I am stuck between my head and my heart. Following my heart has led me here and following my head will stabilise me until i am ready and i am strong. But until those two opposite ends meet i worry that i will never truly be ready. My heart is my emotion and my head the decision. I am stuck at three crossroads and none seem right to me. I am walking ever so slowly to the intersection and one takes me to heaven, the unknown or to hell and figuring out which is which is hopeless without my map.
I am stuck here trying to draw breathe in but i fear that im fading, withdrawing and i need to press restart. Reset was never an option but if i can restart and do things right maybe i will truly find happiness and magic. But if i choose wrong then i am lost and i will drift into the unknown. So many lines have been snapped and the ultimate question is: do i follow my heart or my head? Or do i wait for both to align?