My family never knew it was this bad.
When we thought my grandpa was struggling so much from having to take care of his wife who couldent do anything herself or even remember where she was, we got her into a retirement facility - grandpa did not get better.
His depression worsened, and my brother went to live with him for about a month to take care of him. He spoke of several days where he had to beg grandpa to get out of bed and give life another chance. We didn’t know it was that bad. My brother said it was one of the scariest and saddest moments of his life, having to do that. He was doing literally Everything in grandpa’s steed while he was with him, but grandpa still loathed and suffered over things he wasn’t even doing anymore - convinced it was too much trouble
After years of avoiding my mother as much as I could while living u see the same roof, she began to grieve for the loss of her daughter. My brother had already moved past his own personal withdrawal from her, and begged me to make amends with her and put it all to an end. But they didn’t know how bad it was. I cried on the steps of the staircase as I conveyed my trauma and depression to my dad and brother while mom wasn’t home, although I didn’t know it was trauma and depression at the time. We didn’t know how bad it was
As i met up with my first therapist once a week, I asked and prodded and hinted at my desire to find a mental disability that would explain why my brain is wired the way it is. But apparently it’s all just been symptoms of depression all along, and there is no logical explanation for that. I didn’t know….
I didn’t think depression could be the reason. I don’t have a single memory without the symptoms, so there was no ‘normal’ state of mind for me to compare to a depressed one of my life experiences. All the depression videos I watched compared life to a time when the person was not depressed - if my symptoms have existed all my life, how could I have known? How could my family have known?
How does someone know that, yes, it is indeed that bad. How does someone know they aren’t biting off more they can chew with every new thing in such a foreign situation? How do we know…..
…..When lines are about to be crossed. My brother has been unfortunate enough to see our grandpa tempted by them, and I didn’t realize how badly living with him for that time had effected him. Not till I heard him talk about it. He was so unfortunate to experience first hand how badly grandpa’s mental health has treated him, and I’m starting to think he’s seeing simular patterns repeat itself in me - or at least the potential for them to repeat. He may be 17, but that’s too young to be worrying about failing suicide watch. And school. And covid. And now his sister possibly in the same way as grandpa
I’ve noticed his behaviour with me change slightly. Asking me more often if I’m ok and offering support and comfort. No matter how awkwardly foreign feeling it is and awkward for me to accept it properly, he’s trying his best. Thats all he can do. I am not currently, nor have I ever been in a state of mind to even think about genuinely leaving my physical body, but he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know the differences in how grandpa’s and my me talk health are affecting us. But bless his heart, he’s trying to help. He doesn’t want it to be this bad for me. He doesn’t want to experience living with someone on such a verge again. He shouldent have to. He shouldent have had to do it the first time, for God’s sakes he’s just a kid
He’s just a human. And so are all of us. So full of error are we, that we don’t realize how bad things truly are till it becomes a smack in the face. These errors are normal, but not without grief or regret. These errors hurt too much upon realization. It’s too much. For anyone, I think
A smack in the face that sends you a few steps back like that leaves most people shaken. I’m starting to worry my brother is developing his own mental health issues over all this, but he’s not the type to go to therapy if I told him I think he needs it. And I’m not the type of person to have a proper conversation with him that would convince him to at least consider the state of his mind.
And that is how people get smacks in the face. They wait and ignore the issue. If mental health was a properly normalized priority, these errors would happen less. People would have the conversations they need to, and I like to think the world would be a little more healed that was. Still with cracks, but more of them are patched up than they were before.